Am I making a terrible decision?

[whitesnake80]

I would really appreciate some advice as I'm struggling with my potential decision to have a termination. I have NC for this but am a regular poster, usually on Chat and AIBU.

I'm 38 and I am 4 weeks pregnant. I also have a DS age 10 from a previous relationship. I was a single parent from his birth until I met DP 3 years ago. We weren't actively trying for a baby, but not being particularly careful either. My DP is in his 40's and has a history of significant health problems. There is a real possibility that he may require an organ transplant in the next ten years.

I really thought I wanted another baby until I got my positive test 4 days ago. Since then I can't sleep, feel overwhelmingly sad for my DS and have only felt relief at the thought I am still early enough to terminate.

I worked long hours when DS was young and missed out on a lot of the toddler stuff. I realise I'm yearning for his early years rather than those with a new child. My DS has said lots of times he doesn't want a sibling. We love having one to one time and we currently do a lot of activities/go on holidays that wouldn't be suitable for a young child. I work 4 days a week and would have to use childcare/my parents - DP wouldn't be able to manage childcare due to his health. I fortunately earn a decent salary and we have a biggish house so would have room/money for an extra child - but I worry in case I will resent DP as I can see my evenings being even more hectic than they are at present.

My final fear - my own health. I am obese with a BMI of 40, and previously had gestational diabetes and pre eclampsia, and DS was premature. And this was when I was 10 years younger and 3 stone lighter.

I have considered arrangements for a termination, but am now feeling torn. I am scared to tell DP - he was ambivalent about trying for a baby on previous discussions, but I know he would be pleased at the news. But he would tell everyone - his family can't keep anything to themselves - last year his SIL has a miscarriage, and although she only confided in one person, we all ended up hearing about it, causing great upset for her.

Please please don't flame me - I am open to all advice. I realise I'm probably a terrible person

[StealthPolarBear]

Presuming you won't be back to this op (as name changing back and forward is a pain) so good luck x

[MusicToMyEars800]

that's a good idea OP, I had the implant but I didn't get on with it but I hope it works for you, the good thing is it's 3 years and you don't have to worry about remembering to take a contraceptive. it doesn't hurt having it put in either bit there is lots of bruising afterwards.

[whitesnake80]

Thanks everyone again for the advice. I have made an appointment to see about getting the implant in, and I agree, DP and I will need to have a conversation soon about children.

I appreciate everyone's help through all this. I'm going to change back to my old username soon, thanks again

[kittytom]

Fair enough about future protection winelover (though I am sure she is aware), however the OP explained why she didn't tell her partner - it may potentially have taken away her choice which IMO would have been worse. OP I am glad you are doing better today.

[winelover99]

Please don't think I'm being horrible by saying this. I'm not against abortion (it's every woman's choice) but I think you now need to make sure this doesn't ever happen again. By not actively going on contraception you've found yourself in this awful position. You've also taken away your partners chance of having a family without even telling him. You need to make sure you now protect yourself and I think it's only fair that you tell your partner that you're going on contraception and that you do not want any more children. You say he would've been pleased at the pregnancy so it's only right that he knows he will never have that opportunity to have a family. Hopefully he'll accept that but if not; you need to allow him to walk away.

[StealthPolarBear]

That sounds as good as possible. It's surely understandable that you're sad - this isn't a happy event. But doesn't mean it was the wrong decision
(Sorey I'm sure you know that yourself, just checking. Don't mean to offend or patronise)

[whitesnake80]

Thanks I'm feeling a lot better today, just a bit nauseated but the bleeding is a lot lighter. I feel mostly relieved, but a little sad too.

[BettyBaggins]

How are you doing whitesnake?

[StealthPolarBear]

Ps that's my totally inexpert opinion

[StealthPolarBear]

I'd take all pills as instructed if yiu can just in case there's more to pass x

[kittytom]

I can't offer any advice about the pills but just wanted to also offer my support OP. I am sorry you are having to go through this alone

[MusicToMyEars800]

I had mine at marie stopes, I only remember taking 2 tablets (I can't remember what they were called) and an anti sickness tablet and it was not pleasant by any means, take some paracetemol or ibuprofen to help with the pain, The nausea is horrendous I will not sugar coat anything, you will feel awful in the next few days, get as much rest as you can. I'sorry I couldn't be of more help to you.

[whitesnake80]

Thanks everyone I really appreciate all the support. I feel horrendous right now, the cramps are a lot more painful than I expected, so I'm tucked up in bed with a hot water bottle.

Sorry about the next part - TMI - but I clearly passed the pregnancy sac about an hour ago. According to the Women on Web instructions I still need to take another 2 Misoprostol tablets right about now. I honestly can't face it as the nausea and cramping is already so bad and the first dose appears to have worked. Marie Stopes and BPAS websites seem to refer to only one dose (4 tablets) of Misoprostol being needed. So I'm not sure what to do, does anyone have any experience if this?

[MusicToMyEars800]

the next steps aren't easy OP, it will be painful and there will be heavy bleeding. but you did what was right for you How are you doing? I will be here if you need to talk I had to go through a pill termination myself about 4 years a go now. Look after yourself, sending you my love.

[AltheaThoon]

Look after yourself. Feign illness for as long as you need to and take time to do be kind to yourself. Early nights, long baths, watching films, reading books, whatever will help you to relax while dp has the children.

Relief and sadness are both normal reactions. Emotions can be up and down.

I'm so sorry you're having to do it by yourself. I wish I lived close enough to pop over to give you a hug.

[BettyBaggins]

Thinking of you. Thank goodness for services like Women on Web.

[StealthPolarBear]

I wish you could tell your dp :(
But here's to an early night (and a huge hot chocolate?)

[whitesnake80]

Hi everyone, thanks again for all the lovely support and advice. I took the first pill yesterday and have just taken the first dose of Misoprostol an hour ago. I'm starting to feel a few cramps now, and feeling a strange mixture of relief and sadness. Thank goodness we have a quiet weekend planned and I've told DP I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to have an early night.

[AltheaThoon]

The law really is an ass. We know that when women are desperate they will find a way. It just means they have to go through it without the benefit of support and counselling.

Come back here if you need to whitesnake. You're so early on so I hope, physically, it will be without issue. Emotionally it can be rough. The hormone crash can be upsetting and confusing xx

[CashelGirl]

Best of luck Whitesnake. It is never an easy choice to make, especially when the law isn't designed to support your choice. Be gentle and kind to yourself for the next couple of weeks. Xx

[StealthPolarBear]

Ok even, sorry

[StealthPolarBear]

Hope youre oj x

[whitesnake80]

Thanks very much everyone. I'm going to start the pills tomorrow as I have the rest of the week booked off work

[AltheaThoon]

Still thinking of you @whitesnake. I hope everything's going okay, whatever you've decided x

[capercaillie]

I feel for you living in Ireland. I had a termination recently and was grateful I had the option. Look after yourself and come back to the thread if you need some support - it can be a lonely process...