have this baby

[user1990]

I don't know what to do, I have a 3year old and I have had a brief relationship and I have found out I'm pregnant. The baby's dad hasn't been in touch since I told him and I'm too scared to tell my mum as I've got no job, single and will have two children with no father for them. I don't know if I can face them going through a pregnancy alone when my parents will be so upset and ashamed. I always wanted another baby but I wanted it to be happy news in a relationship as last time I was only in a short relationship and my parents couldn't get over it, they are better now but they didn't have anything to do with me for two years and they are nice with my little one now but I can see they are still bothered about me not being in a stable relationship when I had her. She is amazing and I know I'm a good mum but I don't know what to do and was looking for some advice.

[Brenna24]

I also say stuff what your parents think. They will come round as they did last time when they have a lovely grandchild to get to know. It is none of their business. In terms of your older child, I am sure she would love having a wee brother or sister to play with. You sound like you are coping fine being a single mum. As long as you can feed, house and clothe them both and feel you can give them both what they need as a parent (and I see nothing in your post that says you don't think you can), then the decision really does come down to whether or not you want this baby. TO me it sounds like you do and that the only thing holding you back is the worry about what your parents and other people will think. Other people are not going to bat an eye - it is a common situation now. You are 24 and a Mum yourself, so your parents really should have limited say in your choices. I made several big choices when I was in my early 20s based on what my parents wanted knowing that otherwise they would go NC with me and be very upset with me. I regret them all. I am now nearly 40 and struggling with stress and anxiety in a job I hate, living in area I hate and apparently no longer able to have children. I'd give anything to turn the clock back and live my life for me. I am making big changes over the next couple of years to go and do (most of) the things I want but the scars are going to take a while to heal.

Live your life for you and your child or children. that is the limit of your responsibility. And big hugs. It is a hard place to be in.

[Tryingtosaveup]

No, I'm sorry but you are on benefits which means we are paying for your child not you. Having this second baby is irresponsible when you can't afford to bring it up.
I am not judging you, just stating the facts.

[MissElizaBennettsBookmark]

It's not about your parents, OP. It's about what is best for you and your DD.

I could never turn my back on my DD if she became pregnant. That's because I love her and respect her life choices - even if they are not necessarily the choices I would have made. Because it's her life.

Good luck, whatever you decide

[Bubblebloodypop]

You gave birth and came home alone?! I could never let my child go through that alone, I think your parents are the issue not you. You're clearly a very strong person who loves her child very much. If you want this baby then have it, you're 24 and have plenty of time to make a good life for you and your children.

[Lovewineandchocs]

Your parents have no right to dictate when you can and can't have children. You are a fully grown adult and can obviously cope alone, independent of them. Doesn't sound like they add much to your life tbh, the weekly visits sound stressful for you. It's down to what's best for you and your little girl. Good luck, whatever you decide.

[ComtesseDeSpair]

I don't believe that having a baby when you will be relying on benefits to support it is a good thing. Quite apart from anything else, benefits are subject to huge change and you can't rely on having the same money in a year's time that you think you'll be entitled to at the moment. As s PP said, you do need to think of your existing DC and whether her quality of life will be impacted by family finances being stretched even further to accommodate a new baby.

However, the opinion of your parents and those around you is fairly irrelevant, it's not for them to judge that being a lone parent is shameful.

[x2boys]

Well really its nothing to do with your parents and quite frankly their attitude to the grandchild they aleady have isnt great ,if you want the baby then there thats your decision to make babies are never really a mistake and your parents shouldnt make you feel that they are ,just because they are born in less than ideal circumstances do you have RL support?

[CoolCarrie]

You are right, you need to consider how this situation will affect your little girl, as well as yourself. But do have a good long think about this, you already have a lovely daughter, you have managed to rebuild your relationship with your parents, put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if your daughter found herself in this situation when she grows up? Would you really be happy for her? You would love her & support her, yes, but would you really want her to repeat your way of life, especially as you know how difficult it has been for you. It isn't the 1950s I know but you do have plenty of time on your side to have a child in a stable relationship in the future. It is ultimately up to you. Good luck with your choice.

[YelloDraw]

what will the impact be on your three year old? It is much harder looking after a baby and a toddler as a single parent than just a 3 year old.

Don't underestimate how hard it will be, and the impact on your finances. You're putting back getting a job by another 3 years.

i think it sounds like a bad idea to have a second child when you get no outside practical or financials support, but it's your life. Just think about your existing daughter and impact on her, not just your desire for another baby.

[user1990]

Having my little girl has been the best thing that's ever happened to me, being a mum is the only thing I've been really good at. The midwife and health visitor said I was brilliant and my little girl is really happy. I have worked in the past, I have quite bad problems with my confidence and I suffer with my nerves which has meant no employer has ever kept me on. I have tried since leaving college but have never fitted in anywhere. I have been at college since my little girl and I finished my foundation degree in July. It's just very difficult to find someone to keep me on in a job as I am so nervous I can't hold down the job but I am a good mum and my little girl is very confident and outgoing and I've put everything into being a good mum.

[MorrisZapp]

I really wouldn't have a second child in those circumstances. Your parents views are only a small part of the picture, it's how you will cope day to day that matters.

MN is full of struggling parents who have bitten off more than they can chew. Do what's right for you, but think very carefully about it.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I have to agree that you shouldn't make a decision based on your parents' feelings and thoughts.

What you do have to look at is the impact on your DD and yourself. But as others have said, people have more children within marriages and still end up single parents when the father fucks off, so I wouldn't worry about that part either - just worry about how YOU will manage, and how your DD will be affected.

Sorry you've been left in this position - and this will now sound very rude - but I think you should try to manage your contraception better so that you don't have to face this situation again when you're not in a good position (of course you might have had a contraception failure, I don't know - but to be caught twice like this suggests that you need to try something else, if what you're doing already isn't working for you)

[WSsmum]

It's sad that your parents are so judgy. Wondering what your other support networks are like. Can you surround yourself with non-judgemental people who will support you whatever? In the past I have struggled with a judgemental parent and although it was a long time ago it is still hard to think about.

[Yogamamma0]

I think, and I may be wrong, that you have already decided to have this baby. If so congratulations you will have a lovely age gap between your babies. You are not alone this time you have your dd. Things are different. You are older you hopefully have a support network of friends who have children. Your parents have somehow got over their 'shame' and have contact with you and their grandchild. They may well disapprove, but cuddles with newborn babies are fleeting and they missed out once. Also they must know that your situation is not that unusual any more. If they turn their backs on you again, then they will suffer as much as anyone else. This is their choice to make. You may want to let them know that if they don't support you now but decide they want contact in the future that you may not want to know. If you decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy make sure it is a choice that you haven't felt bullied by your parents previous unreasonable behaviour into making.

[waitingforsomething]

Forget shame or judgement, other people don't matter. Only you and what is best for you and your family matter.
Why don't you go and have some counselling at BPAS or Marie Stopes, it can really help to talk these things through with someone unattached.

Fwiw I had my first child in difficult circumstances. I was in a very new relationship, a few weeks into my first job and unqualified for maternity pay and living in a one bedroom flat with a friend. I had the baby, she's nearly 4 now, I'm married to her dad, we had another one. What I'm saying is it worked out in the end, in the way it was probably meant to. I had my daughter because I couldn't face a termination in the end even though the circumstances were far from ideal at the time. I feel sure I'd have regretted it, so I didn't do it.
If termination is right for you though, then it is your choice and a perfectly reasonable one. Don't factor how your parents feel into any of it.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

It sounds to me like you are coping well at the moment given the circumstances, but that having another baby would make things very much more difficult. You need to concentrate on your confidence issues as well, you can't keep losing jobs because of poor confidence. What about this guy you were having a relationship ? Are you confident he would acknowledge the child as his, and pay his share with no hassle? Love the baby, help out?


Termination does not have to be this great big life ruining guilty thing you carry round with you for the rest of your life. It really doesn't. And having babies, as you'll know already, isn't all cute clothes and gummy smiles and unconditional love.

[whattodowiththepoo]

I wouldn't have another child in your current situation but I would also know my parents reasoning is bollocks and not make any decisions based on that.

[MardyGrave]

Where's your support network? With your parents choosing not to be involved, both fathers choosing not to be involved, what about friends or extended family?
Pregnancy and child birth quite often don't run smoothly, who will take care of your daughter if you suffer from extreme sickness or painful pregnancy? If you need a c section and cannot do any lifting for 6 weeks?

I don't believe you have the resources (financially, practically etc) to have any certainty that you could provide for two human beings in addition to yourself at this moment in time.

[Benedikte2]

User1990 Congratulations on coping so well with motherhood up to this point. However you know how much of a struggle it has been and how careful you have to be with money and another baby will make life that much more difficult. The fact that you are great at producing babies is not a reason to have them when conditions are not right.
Your daughter may be at nursery but she still needs a lot of attention and it seems from what you have said that you are the only one who is available to give her that attention.
The time will come when it is right to have another baby and in the meantime use the time while your DD is at nursery to work on your self confidence and nervousness so that you are better able to get a job. You have proved you're capable of further education so how about a qualification in pre school education? That will combine your natural ability with young children and a less formal workplace.
No one has a termination for fun but it is often the best option for everyone and it need not cause the trauma the anti-choice proponents claim.

[RepentAtLeisure]

To be honest, I'd try to be pragmatic about the situation, not romantic. Having a second child alone is going to mean less money and make it harder for you to go back to work or study. Maybe you could see your GP about CBT and anti anxiety medication?

If you really want the baby it's your body and your choice alone. Your parents' wishes should not be a factor in your decision. But if you are having the "I'd never forgive myself" response, really ask yourself why. It's the response women are taught to have in our patriarchal society, and it's extremely callous. Especially considering that same society allows men to walk off without a backward glance...

[Olympiathequeen]

Having a second child with no support is very hard going. A small child and a baby are hard work and we tend to forget all the struggles we had when they were babies.

Only go ahead if you think you can cope and are realistic that your only support (horrible parents) will not be there.

You've done a great job with your DD but it takes enormous patience and energy to do it alone and do it well.

If you found coping in a work environment stressful you may also find 2 children a similar situation. More juggling time and money and sleepless nights etc.

Do you have a friends network? You just need to weight it all up carefully as you don't seem to be very able to manage situations when they get too much or to think through the consequences. You've enough coping for one child but would two be too much?

[pinkyredrose]

Didn't you use contraception? Condom? Have you been to an STI clinic? Keep the baby if you want but do look at why you're having another baby with a loser.

[allthecarbs]

It's completely your decision but personally I wouldn't have another child in your position. You need to be able to support it financially. How will you afford childcare for 2 children on your own when you go back to work? I'm assuming you don't get any money from your ex here.

[MuseumOfCurry]

I'd never box myself into such a dreadfully stressful situation. Why would you have a second baby while single, unemployed and with no family support?

I've had an abortion and I skipped out of the clinic feeling a new lease on life. It's not a fun experience but neither is it traumatic. If you attach a lot of sentimentality to foetus, then you should be extremely careful with BC.