have this baby

[user1990]

I don't know what to do, I have a 3year old and I have had a brief relationship and I have found out I'm pregnant. The baby's dad hasn't been in touch since I told him and I'm too scared to tell my mum as I've got no job, single and will have two children with no father for them. I don't know if I can face them going through a pregnancy alone when my parents will be so upset and ashamed. I always wanted another baby but I wanted it to be happy news in a relationship as last time I was only in a short relationship and my parents couldn't get over it, they are better now but they didn't have anything to do with me for two years and they are nice with my little one now but I can see they are still bothered about me not being in a stable relationship when I had her. She is amazing and I know I'm a good mum but I don't know what to do and was looking for some advice.

[MuseumOfCurry]

Penguin get a grip. Maybe the OP wants to avoid the chaotic path that you seem intent on glossing over.

[Cabrinha]

penguins, I think you are right, your judgement is clouded.
I am sorry about your miscarriage, that's hard.
But I have to say this - as someone who has been through two miscarriages and IVF - you simply do not tell people who are considering terminating that they are killing a child
They are not.
And even if we want to say that we can all have an opinion on that, fine - but even if that is your opinion, there is a time to keep it to yourself.

[pinkyredrose]

thepenguins just because you're happy popping out baby after baby there's no reason to try and tell the OP how wonderful life would be if she continues the pregnancy. You're being very immature, unfair and emotionally manipulative.

[thepenguinsrock]

I'm 29 and have 4 children of my own 😂
The op seems very worried about other people's opinions and having been in that situation myself I was nearly pressured into aborting at 19 by my parents and I decided fuck them and had my baby it can be done hardly unrealistic to think life can be good still if she keeps her baby.
I'm now happily married (after a 6 year very abusive relationship resulting in my first 2 children) and life is awesome so why not say it can happen?
I recently miscarried so maybe my judgement is clouded on the subject as I'd give anything to still be carrying my baby now 😕

[Lovemylittlebear]

If you want your baby then you keep your baby! And don't let anyone bully you or try and tell you that you shouldn't have him/her because of your circumstances. Buggar the fact that you are on benefits in terms of a reason why you shouldn't 'keep your baby'. It's a reason not to choose to get pregnant but not a reason to terminate. It's up to you, how you feel about it all. If you feel like you won't financially manage then get advice about your options and see what help is available to you should you choose to keep your baby. Your life doesn't have to be any way in particular. You can take charge and create something that will work for you and your family, whatever that might be. Best of luck and don't be bullied into anything, it should be your decision whatever you decide and then you work out a detailed action plan on how to manage with whatever you decide.

[SloanePeterson]

Another one here saying a termination needn't be traumatic. I felt nothing but relief after mine and tbh it doesn't haunt me at all. Totally the right decision. I was kind of in your shoes when I had my second dc. Bit of a waster of a partner who buggered off when I got pregnant. I had ds, and of course I love him but the impact it had on my life and that of dd is immense. Ds has special needs that were only diagnosed relatively recently and its very hard on us all. I had terrible postnatal depression and haven't worked since. I didn't really consider my options at the time, it was very much, I'm pregnant, I'll have the baby. My dd had been a great baby and I managed to get on with my life after she was born. A second child was a complete gamechanger

[RepentAtLeisure]

BUT that choice is now should I kill my child that I will love and give everything to just because other people think you should!
I'd say it's too late your pregnant already kept it, love it and the rest will fall into place one day

How old are you Penguins? You sound very young.

No-one is suggesting she kill her daughter, who is the only child in this situation. And unless she is well into her second trimester it's not too late to be proactive. She's not a dumb brood mare who has no choices. And she's not living in a Disney movie where everyone gets a happy ever after. You really must be very young.

That said... ultimately OP, this is no-one else's decision. We don't know you, we don't know how you live or your ambitions, or what your friends are like. You are the only person who can decide whether another child would add to your life or make it harder. No-one else can decide that.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Can we not talk about "killing children" for fuck's sake

[YouAreMyRain]

Your parents can fuck off. You survived without them for two years, you don't need them.

It would be a good age gap between your two DC.

(I suspect that your confidence and nerves may be related to your parents behaviour towards you, have you had any counselling?)

[pinkyredrose]

thepenguins what an absolutely whimsical unrealistic view

[DawnMumsnet]

Afternoon all,

We can see that the OP's getting some good advice here but we're going to move this thread over to our Pregnancy Choices topic now.

[MLGs]

Don't take any notice of any one else's judgment or bullying.

If you want it, you keep it.

If you have a termination because of someone else's opinion i think you will end up resenting them alot and finding this hard to get over.

[Cabrinha]

Your main reason for an abortion is a bad one - far too concerned about keeping your parents happy.

But in your situation I would abort.

Your existing child is about to start nursery, you're just getting to the point where you can get a job or retrain. I personally wouldn't delay that.

My decision might be different depending on housing. If I was in private rented - no way. Too insecure. If I had a secure council flat I'd be more likely to go for it (though personally still wouldn't!)

You also need to chat to someone about your contraceptive choices. If your method isn't working for you, there are lots of alternatives these days.

[thepenguinsrock]

The thing is the people who are saying I wouldn't have another child in your situation or no your on benefits etc seem to be skipping the point that it's not like your saying hmm should I get pregnant to which the answer here should probably be no BUT that choice is now should I kill my child that I will love and give everything to just because other people think you should!
I'd say it's too late your pregnant already kept it, love it and the rest will fall into place one day 😊

[aprilanne]

lets be honest the best situation would be for you to be married to a loving man isnt that ideal .BUT how many folk have a perfect life .if you want this baby then that is all that matters family comes in all shapes and sizes i was brought up by a single mother who was wonderful love is all they need not a perfect life .and who cares what anyone thinks .no one is perfect they nailed the last perfect person to a cross .hope all goes well for you and the children

[CoolCarrie]

It is great that you are such a good mum to your daughter, she is a lucky little girl to have a good mum, however it seems to me that having another baby might well boost your confidence, as you do seem to be doing a good job now, but is that confidence boost enough reason to have another child?
I think you need to work on yourself, your life, confidence, relationships and work. Don't have this baby to give yourself confidence or purpose in life, it doesn't always work out like that.

[Farmmummy]

At the end of the day only you can decide what's best for you and your daughter. You are a mum, and a good one so your parents do not come into it although obviously you would benefit from their support but you know you can cope without. By the way you don't have to visit once a week if they are stressing you or making you feel ashamed this attitude towards you is probably why you don't have a lot of confidence in the outside world. One important thing is you aren't confident in the workplace but are a good and confident mum and have ensured your daughter is confident and outgoing maybe this tells you all you need to know.

[MuseumOfCurry]

I'd never box myself into such a dreadfully stressful situation. Why would you have a second baby while single, unemployed and with no family support?

I've had an abortion and I skipped out of the clinic feeling a new lease on life. It's not a fun experience but neither is it traumatic. If you attach a lot of sentimentality to foetus, then you should be extremely careful with BC.

[allthecarbs]

It's completely your decision but personally I wouldn't have another child in your position. You need to be able to support it financially. How will you afford childcare for 2 children on your own when you go back to work? I'm assuming you don't get any money from your ex here.

[pinkyredrose]

Didn't you use contraception? Condom? Have you been to an STI clinic? Keep the baby if you want but do look at why you're having another baby with a loser.

[Olympiathequeen]

Having a second child with no support is very hard going. A small child and a baby are hard work and we tend to forget all the struggles we had when they were babies.

Only go ahead if you think you can cope and are realistic that your only support (horrible parents) will not be there.

You've done a great job with your DD but it takes enormous patience and energy to do it alone and do it well.

If you found coping in a work environment stressful you may also find 2 children a similar situation. More juggling time and money and sleepless nights etc.

Do you have a friends network? You just need to weight it all up carefully as you don't seem to be very able to manage situations when they get too much or to think through the consequences. You've enough coping for one child but would two be too much?

[RepentAtLeisure]

To be honest, I'd try to be pragmatic about the situation, not romantic. Having a second child alone is going to mean less money and make it harder for you to go back to work or study. Maybe you could see your GP about CBT and anti anxiety medication?

If you really want the baby it's your body and your choice alone. Your parents' wishes should not be a factor in your decision. But if you are having the "I'd never forgive myself" response, really ask yourself why. It's the response women are taught to have in our patriarchal society, and it's extremely callous. Especially considering that same society allows men to walk off without a backward glance...

[Benedikte2]

User1990 Congratulations on coping so well with motherhood up to this point. However you know how much of a struggle it has been and how careful you have to be with money and another baby will make life that much more difficult. The fact that you are great at producing babies is not a reason to have them when conditions are not right.
Your daughter may be at nursery but she still needs a lot of attention and it seems from what you have said that you are the only one who is available to give her that attention.
The time will come when it is right to have another baby and in the meantime use the time while your DD is at nursery to work on your self confidence and nervousness so that you are better able to get a job. You have proved you're capable of further education so how about a qualification in pre school education? That will combine your natural ability with young children and a less formal workplace.
No one has a termination for fun but it is often the best option for everyone and it need not cause the trauma the anti-choice proponents claim.

[MardyGrave]

Where's your support network? With your parents choosing not to be involved, both fathers choosing not to be involved, what about friends or extended family?
Pregnancy and child birth quite often don't run smoothly, who will take care of your daughter if you suffer from extreme sickness or painful pregnancy? If you need a c section and cannot do any lifting for 6 weeks?

I don't believe you have the resources (financially, practically etc) to have any certainty that you could provide for two human beings in addition to yourself at this moment in time.