Talk

Flip

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Unplanned Pregnancy

6 replies

LoveYouHoneybear · 17/08/2020 09:09

Hi everyone, first time posting but long-time lurker. My partner (40) and I (32) found out that we're pregnant a few days ago... I'm only 4 weeks and 5 days. It wasn't planned but we've always wanted to have a family-we were going to start trying next year- but now we've found ourselves in a sticky situation. This month we're moving to a new city and next month I'll be starting a one-year Masters. To make matters even more stressful, my entire family lives in Canada (although his family live in the U.K. and they would be over-the-moon for a grandchild) and my older sister has been trying for a baby for two years, currently in the beginning stages of IVF. I know my partner and I would be great parents, he has an amazing career and we have always wanted to have kids but I'm just so scared to A) tell my family as my sister would be heartbroken and B) start a Masters. I don't know what I'm even asking. I just feel so overwhelmed and I don't know who to talk to other than my incredibly supportive partner. I've been considering terminating to avoid family drama and school stress but both my partner and I would feel sad to do so. But maybe it's the right thing to do? Any kind words would be much appreciated right now. Thank you.

OP posts:

Report

Nsky · 17/08/2020 09:11

Don’t be hasty, maybe you can re plan life and a master’s

Report

LoveYouHoneybear · 17/08/2020 09:22

Thank you, you're right. We are taking our time to weigh the decision. I wouldn't rush into terminating. It's just like a ping-pong match in my head though! Any way I look at it, it's going to be a challenge. My sister means the world to me and the thought of telling her makes me feel terrible.

OP posts:

Report

NameChange564738 · 17/08/2020 09:26

Congratulations

Ultimately it’s what ever you feel comfortable with but I had a not too dissimilar situation however I do have lots of family around for support (I’ll come back to that).

When we found out I was pregnant I was in the 3rd year of 4 year integrated masters degree, DPs step sister also is going through IVF (2nd round). DC is now 9 weeks old so..

I had to defer some uni work until this year, uni were great and very accommodating even now they’re allowing me more time if required but I want to get it done. Whilst pregnant I think it was the hormones but I just couldn’t concentrate, all I could think about was DC. It was the best decision to defer because to me.. the knowledge understanding and grades is more important that adding an extra year.

DPs step sister was unbelievably understanding and very interested in everY stage, bought us lovely gifts after birth and has taken a real interest since. I was very nervous telling them as you are but what I kept in mind is, they’re going to those huge lengths to get pregnant because they love and yearn for children. Even if upset initially or maybe jealous initially they’re bound to be happy for you because they understand how lovely it is/would be.

I’m not sure how I would have coped the first few weeks without family around, DP had 6 weeks off work with us and almost all of my family is off for one reason or another (retirement, school hols, furlough, wfh) so I’ve had places to go catch a break whilst someone else cuddles DC for a while, those moments have been a lifeline for me.

You’re not in a rush to make a decision, take your time and think it through. Don’t feel forced into a corner because of what you think it might be like. Just go with what you truly want.

Report

fuckingcovid · 17/08/2020 09:40

You can't be responsible for you sisters un/happiness. You must live your live for yourselves.

Report

heroineinahalfshell · 17/08/2020 09:52

Definitely speak to your university about your options, they're likely to be very accommodating and there would be potential to either defer entry to next year, start your course and take a break mid-way through, or delay submission of your assignments and/or dissertation if they fell when the baby was due. So e.g. at my Uni you could complete the 2 taught semesters, Sep - Dec and Jan - Mar, then take a break and return the following April 2022 to write your dissertation April - Sep.

Re: not having family around, would that situation have been any different if you waited til next year to conceive? And if you are planning a move back to Canada, maybe this timing is actually a blessing, as it allows your partner's family a chance to meet and bond with the baby prior to your move. I'm in the same boat as my family is all in the USA, but I have no plans to ever move back so we knew when planning kids that the only support would be from in-laws, and I'm OK with that. Of course it's lovely to have family around but lots of people cope without for various reasons.

Report

LoveYouHoneybear · 17/08/2020 10:30

Thank you everyone, for taking the time to post. I read each message out loud to my partner and we had a little (happy) cry. It's so encouraging to hear that other people have been through this and have come out the other side. I've looked at my Uni's website and they have a lot of support for pregnant students, I think deferring my dissertation might be a great option. We are planning to move back to Canada in about 5 years so maybe it is a blessing that our family and friends here will have time with the baby. And you're right, I can't control my sister's happiness as much as I want her to have a baby herself. Loved hearing your stories, found it all very reassuring so thank you from the bottom of my heart!