Overbearing in laws making me dread when baby is here.

[Lunastar9]

First I’ll say my in laws are lovely however they are really quite overbearing and constantly show up unannounced.

Myself and DP moved house at the start of the year and we’re slightly closer to them, & I’m not kidding when I say they would turn up unannounced 5 days of the week and let themselves in our house. I work from home a lot and when DP wasn’t in I felt so uncomfortable, there was a few occasions I was in the bath with the door open when they walked in without knocking.

Since lockdown they obviously haven’t been coming in the house but still turn up unannounced constantly to visit from a distance, his mum always asks me to get my belly out so she can take photos of it (this makes me super uncomfortable as I’m really self conscious and I hate showing my body off, DP has told her I don’t like it and she just says ‘it’s growing a baby it’s beautiful!’ And continues to take pics of me from all angles) a few times she has got really too close almost touching me which given covid really upset me and I had to awkwardly back off and remind her of the restrictions.

I didn’t want to announce the baby’s gender on Facebook as i just feel like anyone who I wanted to know I would tell personally, she wouldn’t stop going on about how everyone needed to know then posted it anyway.

After telling her it was a boy we made the mistake of mentioning a few names we liked (but nothing ever set in stone as we had literally discussed it for ten mins at most!) my MIL decided she liked a certain name best and that we were definitely going to call the baby that. She went on to buy clothes personalised with this name and told everyone we had decided on calling the baby that (we hadn’t, and I only found out she had bought clothes with the name on because she let slip after a glass of wine). We ended up saying we deffo weren’t calling him this name as it was just a thought and have since kept his actual name a secret. She was a bit miffed and still to this day says she wants us to call him the name she liked best whenever it’s brought up.

My DPs brother and his wife had their first baby last year and the way they went on really stresses me out. When his wife was in hospital they turned up basically the second the baby popped out and wanted in to see him straight away, the hospital staff had to tell them to go away and come back. They didn’t ask if they wanted any visitors but basically decided for them and arranged for the whole family to turn up for visiting without asking which his wife was uncomfortable with as she had quite a bad labour and I think just wanted some peace.

I have a lot of anxiety and I’m a really private person and I honestly can’t think of anything worse than being bombarded with people showing up unannounced when I’ve had the baby. In a way I’m glad there are visiting restrictions at the moment for this reason, however I’m dreading them turning up at our house or telling other people to just turn up without telling us when I’ve got a newborn and am probably sleep deprived.

I know they mean well but it’s got to a point now where I dread them turning up. They’ve turned up at our house 4 times this week and when I see the car outside my stomach sinks. I feel like I can’t relax in my own house now never mind when baby is here. We have tried to politely tell them to back off a bit or even just ask if it’s ok to turn up but they get defensive and I really don’t want to be horrible as I know they’re just excited about the baby.

Has anyone had similar? What did you do? I’m worried if I don’t nip it in the bud now it’s gonna get worse but I really don’t want to come across as a total b*tch

[LunaFabre]

When his wife was in hospital they turned up basically the second the baby popped out and wanted in to see him straight away.

This happened to me. I was too out of it to object so DP just let them come in. I’ll never forgive my in-laws for bursting in with a box of cakes literally minutes after the midwife had finished my stitches.

You need to set boundaries now or it’ll just get worse when the baby’s here. Try to start standing up for yourself even if it feels rude at first. I wish I did!

[Sushiroller]

Where is your husband (& his backbone) in all this???

Secondly get your key back or change the barrel on the Yale so the main key doesn't work

My mother has a key for ours and always rings even when we are in. Disgraceful behaviour on their part.

[Wolfiefan]

This is up to DP. Don’t answer the door. Let him deal with it.
You need to decide as a couple what you’re comfortable with. He needs to tell them. If they keep turning up he needs to remind them what was said and shut the door on them if he needs to.
Don’t show your bump.
If she gets a camera out then closet the door.
But let DP deal with the fallout.
Also limit how much you tell her. Like names. Or if you’re to be induced etc etc.
I feel for you. This is the last thing you need.

[Scubalubs87]

Don’t tell them when you’re in labour and delay telling them when the baby has arrived. It’s my family with a lack boundaries. I had my first in the middle of the night and told them in the morning he’d arrived - they didn’t know I was in labour. Suddenly, a whole load of them, including my uncle , rocked up just as I fell asleep for the first time in 36 hours. My husband and I have decided to delay telling them the baby is here, this time, until we’re ready to see them. My MIL will be with my looking after son and she’s much better with boundaries

[ThanosSavedMe]

Definitely lock the door.

And I really wouldn’t worry about upsetting them, they’re not worried about upsetting you

[TwinkleStars15]

@Lunastar9 you posted your original post quite a while ago now, I remember it because everyone was telling you to speak up and be more assertive, it’s a shame that you are still struggling with the same issues. Has your partner not stepped up and spoken to his parents properly? He really needs to do this asap, and you really do need to set some boundaries, otherwise things will be really hard when the baby arrives. Do you think the stress of all of this this, might lead to some PND? Especially if it continues or gets worse when baby arrives...

[MindyStClaire]

Lots of good advice on here. I don't think I've ever told someone how they should feed their baby, but I really think you should breastfeed. Start talking now about how they'll have to stop popping in unannounced as you'll need to be relaxed, sit around with top off etc in the early days. (I don't think I ever sat with my top off, but they don't need to know that.)

It would also mean you could disappear upstairs to "feed the baby" and will extend the time until they can sensibly ask to have the baby themselves.

Mostly though you really do need your husband on side.

[ErnDincum]

I know they mean well but it’s got to a point now where I dread them turning up wrong! They don't mean well, they are totally selfish and only interested in satisfying their own wants. You need to establish very firm boundaries with selfish types like this. Your DH needs to step up.

[Zzzbug]

My partners family are the same. I had to just make it known that I wasn't happy about them just turning up and my partner also made it known. There have been comments towards me since and I know they think I'm tetchy but I honestly couldn't care less anymore. Its your life and you need to be happy. Set your boundaries. Good luck xxx

[Roselilly36]

That’s over the top OP, totally overwhelming. It’s your baby, you need time to yourself before you become parents. Turning up unannounced is rude. My MIL has a key to our home, but she would never just turn up. You really need your DP to talk to his parents, if you don’t sort it out now, it will get worse once baby arrives. Good luck.

[bee222]

Just echoing why others have said really.
The less information you give the better. In my situation it’s my mum that is overbearing. Luckily it’s easier to deal with because I choose to live far away from my family.

I have chosen not to tell my mum which hospital I am giving birth in and I’m not telling her my due date. She’s the type to randomly start ringing maternity units at local hospitals around the time she thinks I am due, so I am asking the midwives not to give any information out to anyone that rings, and to turn away any visitors. I’m also not telling her the sex or names, and we are delaying giving news of the birth. That doesn’t make me a “snowflake”, it’s just what I need to do to prevent dealing with tantrums and the possibility of her turning up on my doorstep armed with overnight bags.

This is all easier said than done I know, but your partner really needs to step up and lay down some rules.

[LuckyC27]

This is crazy you and your OH need to set some boundaries before baby is here. My family and in laws aren't like that at all but I still have the occasional stress about visitors in the first few days but my OH and I have discussed in detail my worries etc and he will ask people to leave if they are round for too long/being over bearing, you need your OH to be on the same page.

Like a pp mentioned breastfeeding is another reason to set boundaries, I will have a nursing chair upstairs so if I have visitors round and want to feed baby alone as it will definitely be difficult in the first few weeks especially I will go upstairs and they can stay downstairs with OH.

[RoseGoldEagle]

Not wanting someone to turn up at your house unannounced and let themselves in, or to decide on your baby’s name for you, or to make you show them your belly to take photos does NOT make you difficult or tetchy, it makes you completely normal. Stop feeling awkward about this and start feeling really really pissed off. People like this will not take subtle hints, and she does not ‘mean well’, she’s being incredibly selfish. Your partner needs to be very direct and lay out the ground rules, and you both need to be firm and stick to them, and not worry if she grumbles about it. What kind of a relationship does your partner have with his Mum?

[Superscientist]

We have this but with my parents. We moved close to them a few years ago. We keep the front doors locked and they don't have a key (they had a key for one weekend when we first moved in and we came back to a living room of stuff we didn't want) my sister has a key for emergencies that they don't know about!

We have been firm about them calling before coming round and have told them that they will be sent away if they turn up unannounced. My sister had issues that they kept turning up at her child's bed time, they only stopped when she started sending them away. They have turned up at ours once without calling - we knew they were coming that afternoon but not the time. They were greeted with "what happened to calling" rather than hello and they haven't done it since.

We are expecting our first at the moment and don't plan on calling my mother as soon as she's born, I'm going to wait until I'm ready (I'm talking hours not days) and will be telling her when she can visit first before she give any suggestions. She will not be welcome until I'm home, my mum is the sort of person that puts her needs first, it has taken me a long time to learn that sometimes my needs come first and this is a perfect example. It is slightly easier as it's my mum and not my in law.

One thing I do find helpful is to just say no to things I don't want and not to offer and explanation - she can't come up with a counterargument to a flat no.

[Fleamaker123]

I feel so cross for you... What on earth are they thinking of?! Just letting themselves into your house... that's unbelievable. They're walking all over you. I would tell them things are going to have to be different when you've got a new baby, she can't just do as before. If she tries to take a photo of your tummy and you don't like it, be straight and tell her no, I don't like you doing that. Don't be afraid to assert yourself, they sound really thick skinned with no boundaries so you'll have to be firm and to the point. And your husband needs to work this out with you.
Please don't let them ruin this special time, it's so short and you won't get it back.

[Teacaketotty]

When his wife was in hospital they turned up basically the second the baby popped out and wanted in to see him straight away

This also happened to me, don’t tell them you are in labour - I made that mistake and won’t be making it again. Even after being told not to come they still did.

You aren’t being difficult they are being selfish.

[swaywithme]

Now is the perfect opportunity. Make up a reason why you have to change the locks then if they ask for a key just say obviously they won't be turning up unannounced anymore with a baby in the house.

Don't tell them you're in labour and don't announce the birth to them until you're home. If you need to be induced tell them a different date. It might sound extreme but otherwise you will have to deal with them turning up. I had otherwise very normal and well meaning family turn up right after the birth and it annoys me to this day. They sound like a nightmare.

[Windyatthebeach]

Time to start reducing how much they are told...
Less they know =less to comment on..
Your dh needs the key back. No notice or they will have one cut.....
Blinds up so you can ignore the door.

[Letseatgrandma]

How are they getting in?!

[Blackberrythief]

Definitely nip this in the bud now or you almost set the standard for the in laws to be hugely overbearing. I had this with my MIL once I had my baby, my mum came first and was a god send, she did the shopping, cooked, cleaned, did the laundry so I could rest. We bought some flowers to thank my mum and my DH's mum was annoyed we didn't buy her any. She sat around expecting me to cook for her (I had given birth less than two weeks ago) make her cups of tea and proceeded to tell me how I was spoiling my baby, making a rod for my own back and that she didn't think I would make a good mum 😡 Sadly DH suffers from FOG and thinks this is normal behaviour ("she's my mum, she's always like that" 😡) and I've made it clear that the priority is our child now, not his mother and as a man in his 30s he should not feel obligated to jump whenever she snaps her fingers. Part of my maternity leave was ruined by the horrible cow and I vowed never to let her do it again with her visits. Stay strong and don't let your in laws ruin the beautiful time with your baby.

[peachypetite]

So have you spoken to your husband so he can sort this out?