Fetal alcohol syndrome, risks?. And a general rant!

[Pinky333777]

I'm feeling guilty and having mixed feelings on consuming alcohol while pregnant.
Of course it's obviously best to avoid alcohol completely, but I think I've been ignoring or blocking out potential risks. Just so I can enjoy a glass of wine once a week.
How selfish of me.

I've just come off the phone with DP - who up until now has been okay with my occasional beverage - and he asked me if I were attending a friends party this weekend. Which I am. And he asked me if I will be drinking. I said I may have a glass, yes.
He's now of the opinion I should be completely avoiding alcohol.
I know deep down this is for the best and now feel guilty for having been drinking in the past.
I also selfishly feel sad this is another thing I can't do.
I'm being childish - I see that - I'm just feeling put out by all the 'can't dos and can't haves'
I tried to buy some clothes in a couple of shops recently. Neither had a maternity section. So I can't shop in normal shops.
I'm not allowed to ride my bike.
Or my scooter.
I can't do the escape rooms we hoped to do last weekend, or the Halloween celebrations at theme parks.
Can't enjoy my favourite cheese, or a cheeky cigarette.
I feel like a child always being told no and I want to strop about it 😃

Anyway, back on topic, sort of.
How much of a risk does a glass a week pose to an unborn baby?
Do you think I might have already caused damage??

I wish I had just quit completely and not been so niave and ignorant 😐
Anyone else struggling with this topic?

I cycled plenty while pregnant, news to me that’s not allowed!

I’ve not had anything to drink in either pregnancy because I personally don’t enjoy a “small glass,” I like to get a nice buzz from at least one large one! So there’s no point having a drink for me really.

I did drink while breastfeeding however - I was advised it’s safe to have a drink 2-3 hours before the baby’s next feed. I also expressed (went back to work) so always had “clean” milk as an option on nights out.

Your list of ‘cant dos and can’t haves’ is nothing compared with how your life will change once your DC arrives. If you are struggling to make compromises for them now, how on earth will you fair once they are born?

Honestly, it may seem like a huge list, but in the grand scheme of things it’s actually very little. Is it really that difficult for you to go without a few things? Because the reality is, that’s parenthood

It’s obviously a controversial subject...

The best thing to do when pregnant is to avoid absolutely anything that might harm the baby.

So....no alcohol, no ripe cheese, pate etc

And...no walking by roads to avoid toxic fumes, make sure all your household cleaning products are “natural”, eat only organic food...etc etc

In fact just wrap yourself in cotton wool for 9 months.....

My personal take on this was that a small glass of wine once a week (usually with Sunday Dinner) was not something I felt bad about during pregnancy or was made to feel bad about by DH.

Migraleve, many, many women find pregnancy - and social pressures on pregnant women that OP, PPs and DarthMaiden describe - challenging, and the “can’t” and “don’t” dos stifling.

Feelings and thoughts on this and expressing them isn’t an indicator of one’s readiness for parenting. Unkind at best to criticise the OP in an insiduous way - implying she might not be as good an expectant mother as others who don’t think or say these things - for expressing herself.

The changes affect fathers to a much lesser degree even if they share the parenting and additional domestic work of DC.

Feelings and thoughts on this and expressing them isn’t an indicator of one’s readiness for parenting. Unkind at best to criticise the OP in an insiduous way

Actually that wasn’t my intention. My post was supposed to highlight what a minor thing stopping alcohol is in the overall scheme of parenting.

The pregnancy doesn’t seem real still. I’m 19wks, but can’t feel baby yet. My belly is bigger, and feels bloated, but I used to get that anyway 🤣
I’ve been lucky as in I’ve not had any morning sickness. I feel normal, apart from high emotions.
Again, as a sufferer of anxieties and depression in the past, those emotional rollercoasters seem normal for me.

I’m very well aware parenthood brings change, and I’m ready to embrace that.
I’m sure I’ll have no problem adjusting when I have my baby in my arms and they’re the only thing that matters.
Like I said, right now I’m being selfish in my thoughts and feelings. I won’t be able to be that way for much longer, so why not let me get it out of my system now?
Have none of you perfect mothers who willingly give up your free life styles from preconception never felt just a little bit fed up sometimes?

That’s all my rant was about. Having a day where I felt fed up and letting those feelings out.
It doesn’t mean I’m not ready to try be an amazing mother x

Like I said, right now I’m being selfish in my thoughts and feelings. I won’t be able to be that way for much longer, so why not let me get it out of my system now?.

The answer to that is simply because you should have done the selfish bit BEFORE the pregnancy. You don't become parent as you say when you have the baby in your arms, you are responsible for this baby NOW. Why can't you put the growing life before yourself? The fact that your thread title is concerning feral alcohol syndrome yet you still think it's ok to do as you selfishly please is really quite concerning.

@Pinky I totally get you. It’s overwhelming and a lot of people seem to delight in telling you how much your life is going to change and you’ll never sleep again or be able to relax or enjoy yourself blah blah as if that didn’t cross your mind before or having a child is the end of your life!

I absolutely love peace and quiet and just sitting with a book. So many people have enjoyed telling me I’ll never be able to read a book in peace again. It just seems cruel, you’re on the rollercoaster of parenthood already, you obviously want to embark on it, what benefit does saying things like that have? It’s the same with gory birth stories. I find it so cruel, just yesterday I had a friend tell me her Mum technically died on the bed giving birth and they revived her. Another, more thoughtful friend said “maybe we shouldn’t be telling Haz about this now,” because she could see the panic in my face. I am literally about to pop! I don’t need to hear that shit right now 😣

One thing that helps me is focusing on all the wonderful things I want from parenthood. I think of when I miscarried and how empty I felt and I would have sold my soul to swap lives with a woman 9 months pregnant, or cradling her newborn...I think of Christmas time with children wearing cute footed pyjamas and of Saturday mornings bringing them in to bed with you and of going on adventures and reading them my favourite stories...It’s a whole new amazing life you have ahead of you and there’s a reason so many people choose to do it xx

messy is your life exactly the same as it was pre children?

No, and I didn't say it was. I was objecting to the "nothing is ever the same again, you can't do anything you did before you had children! " nonsense you are giving out.
my life didn't radically change after I had a baby. It changed, but not radically.

I absolutely love peace and quiet and just sitting with a book. So many people have enjoyed telling me I’ll never be able to read a book in peace again
Exactly! And its nonsense. I read more now with multiple children than I did before. I get plenty of peace and quiet. I also go out when I want to, have hobbies and holidays and a full life. This martyrish notion that your life is over is just a way to try and make women feel bad.

I haven't been drinking at all during pregnancy, but I don't really like alcohol so that hasn't been a hardship. I'm sure a glass of wine a week will be absolutely fine.

Some other elements of your rant I think you just need to get over. It's not a massive hardship to buy clothes online (I'm tall and fat so have always had to do it anyway).

Sorry but I think you sound kind of immature - not in a fun 'big kid' kind of way but in a 'wake up dear' kind of way.

Hello OP.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my 2nd and I totally empathise with how you feel - there are so many things we're not supposed to do. I've had to give up riding my bike because my bump was getting in the way and it was becoming uncomfortable and even painful to ride. So now I feel unfit and fat.

I love blue cheese, goats cheese, etc so I try to reduce the feeling of losing out by compromising - had lots of goats cheese on a pizza last night because it's safe if cooked.

I think a small glass of wine now and then is most probably fine, but if you want to reduce worry for yourself and disagreements with your other half by cutting out alcohol for the rest of your pregnancy, there are actually some quite nice non-alcoholic (Well, pretty much - 0.05% to 0.5% which is so little that in my non-medical opinion it probably doesn't matter) alternatives out there. I love prosecco and have really missed it this pregnancy, but discovered that Sainsbury's do an own brand non-alcoholic fizzy wine which is really nice. There's also a non-alcoholic chardonnay by a brand called Fre which is not too bad. If you're into beer, there's a non-alcoholic version of Franziskaner (wheat beer) which tastes almost indistinguishable from the real thing. I could give you a list of the ones I've tried and didn't like too if you want, haha!

Have you actually checked you can't do escape room? We booked one for a hen party specifically because it was something fun that the two heavily pregnant hens could fully participate in.

As always on these kind of threads I heavily recommend getting a copy of Emily Osters 'expecting better'.

You can’t have lots of things and it’s fine to have a little feel sorry for yourself about it.
But what you can have is a baby. And many people who can’t would probably give up all those things and more just to be able to do that.
So look on the bright side and count your blessings!
Also coming up is your 20 week scan and feeling first movements so that should get you over the middle hump and into full blown ‘I love my bump’ mode!

I can’t see why you can’t do the escape room

But otherwise I get you OP and it’s fine to have a moan (and the odd glass of wine)

Another recommendation for Expecting Better here, a great read.

I agree with you OP, the "risks" we all hear about over and over again in pregnancy are sometimes things that are 1 in 100 000 or more, a risk that in everyday life wouldn't even be worth thinking about. In Australia there are 65 cases of listeria per year. Out of 20 million people.

The risk of causing FAS from a glass of wine here and there is literally zero. Out of billions of births it has never happened.

Meanwhile other risks, for example the risks of the various methods of giving birth, are glossed over like "oh well, cost of doing business" even though women are maimed daily from this.

But you know what, you can make your own decisions and you don't need to get your friends, mumsnet, some magazine article or even your doctor to sign off on them. If you look in to it and decide a weekly glass of wine is fine (which I have btw) then go ahead.

Thanks @messyjessy, that does put my mind at ease a bit haha. You know of course these little sacrifices aren’t the end of the world, but you’re allowed to have an odd moan.

And I agree with @mamamalt, the time between your first scan and 20 week one you can almost forget you’re pregnant if you don’t feel movements yet, but once you do you really get to know this little person, (well I did at least), talk to the bump, and it is such an exciting time because although the onus is on you to not drink/smoke/go parachuting or whatever, you also are the only person in the world that can feel those little squirms and kicks from inside from your little human! Pretty bloody awesome. X

I was objecting to the "nothing is ever the same again, you can't do anything you did before you had children! " nonsense you are giving out

Ah but Messy that’s categorically not what I said or even implied.

I said that there are “some things” that you can’t do once you have a child. Which is undeniably true.

Children change your life. Mostly in wonderful ways but they do bring restrictions, you can no longer be wholly selfish in your choices. I gave examples of what I meant in my second post.

I’m happy to agree to disagree or to debate but please don’t misrepresnt me.

Pinky there’s nothing wrong with having a moan. I would be surprised if anyone who has children wouldn’t understand that need and be sympathetic.

But your OP wasn’t just a moan. It expressed concerns about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome because you haven’t chosen to stop drinking and don’t want to. That’s what has driven the responses you’ve received.

Being snarky about “perfect mothers” isn’t going to help you get what you need from this thread.

I understand that it can be hard to connect with the baby early on. That will pass as you get bigger and start to feel the baby’s movements.

What most posters are trying to say is that motherhood doesn’t start when you have the baby in your arms, it’s already started. Your choices impact the baby now.

If you have serious concerns about your choices re alcohol so far go and have a chat with your Midwife, I’m sure she’ll put your mind at rest.

You said earlier that being a mother is all you’ve ever wanted. Having children is wonderful. My DH and I have genuinely never been happier.

But...

Children (lovely and funny and cuddly and adorable as they are) do come with a great deal of hard work.

They are absolutely worth it, but it’s still hard work. Physically and mentally. And that hard work starts when you are pregnant.

@BenLui did you happen to have quite an easy pregnancy by any chance?

No thingy I had hyperemesis and a complicated pregnancy, following IVF.

@BenLui I too have hyperemesis and have had a complicated pregnancy. I take it you took a shit load of antiemetics with hyperemesis and was dehydrated and malnourished. I am surprised by some of the things you have said in that case.

Specifically "I understand that it can be hard to connect with the baby early on. That will pass as you get bigger and start to feel the baby’s movements.

What most posters are trying to say is that motherhood doesn’t start when you have the baby in your arms, it’s already started. Your choices impact the baby now."

I had a twin pregnancy, 50% survival chance for each twin (mono amniotic), was so so so sick until 20 weeks, had to wear prescription support stockings 24 hours a day as my veins were popping out and had carpal tunnel syndrome. Delivered at 33 weeks and still regret not being able to fully enjoy my pregnancy. Pregnant again ten years later now and I am not allowing something as small as giving up soft cheeses and alcohol for 40 weeks make me miserable! It's a very special time and we can really take a lot for granted.

thingy I genuinely have no idea what you are trying to say?

I don’t understand the relevance of the quotations you have taken from my post?