"I don't want you involved in this pregnancy!"

[Gregwar]

It's really breaking my heart to hear about all you "soon to be a mum"/"soon to have another baby" ladies who have partners who are wanting to bail on them and you're nowhere near your due date. Pregnancy can be stressful enough (obviously not talking from experience), and the last thing you need, is loss of support.

Being a man on the other side of the spectrum, I wanna hear anyone and everyone's story.
I'm currently wanting to be as involved as I can but the relationship between me and my baby mum has grew unhealthy. I want to do all I can to make "us" work and to be a family, but things aren't going to plan.
It's very early days, and I need to be patient. If it's one thing that this situation is teaching me, it's patience.

But what's your story?
Are you in a situation where your partner wants to wash his hand of all responsibility?

I especially wanna hear from the mums who actually don't want their partner to take any responsibility for whatever reason....what are your reasons?

[SunnyDayDreaming101]

P.S the way you wrote the OP is either very creepy or fishing - not sure what to think

[SunnyDayDreaming101]

Relationships end for a reason, one party doesn't want to be in it. You need to understand that and that it won't change. If you keep trying you will end up annoying the crap out of her even more. Passive nerdy apologetic I promise I will 'fix' what you don't like behaviour is the exact opposite of attractive, it's awful to be on either end of.

Break ups are tough, hell even but you need to pull yourself together man. Get over your breakup and focus on how you can be a good dad, after all that is what is most important here.

[haveacupoftea]

She doesn't want you because you're dramatic and a bit creepy. Stop pestering her.

[ALLthedinosaurs]

You're all right in saying that there must be a reason why she's not into me, and that's ultimately what I'm trying to get to the bottom of.

It doesn't really matter what it is. You can't change yourself into what you think someone wants. From what you've said and from the looks of your interactions with other mumsnetters, you appear to rush into connections and heap much more meaning and importance on "relationships" than isnreciprocated.

For example with Betty... you PMed a few times. I don't know the context but PMs rarely constitute chats or friendships as such and to repeat that you "really enjoyed them" over and over makes you appear needy. I'm not saying you are, that's just my perspective. But take a look at how you form attachments.

Bit of background, my ex came across like you do, and I found him overwhelming, cloying, suffocating and needy. I ended up treating him badly, which I regret (and I suppose is why I'm spending time posting about it to you) - we were just totally incompatible and I found the pressure to like him unbearably stressful and I should have done the honest thing from the start. Your ex is doing you a favour, believe me.

For the record I believe he is pretty happy and successful now 😊

I guess what I am saying is don't do this to yourself. Chill out and take a step back. Keep your dignity. I am so sorry that you are in this position - I can't imagine what it's like for a dad to not see his child... but you can't obsess and try to change. If you play that game you're in for a whole load more heartache.

Ps. There is a relationships board here

[10Betty10]

Digging*

[10Betty10]

Can I just clarify that we didn't have 'chats' plural. You messaged me a few times in relation to the post you had made and I responded no more than 3 times. That does not constitute 'chats'. What you are saying doesn't ring true- lots of contradictions across your multiple threads and PMs. If nothing else, you are acting in a creepy way. Lots of people have given you advice, which basically constitutes to back off and let her make her own decisions. If you are who you say you are, your behaviour is slipping into very uncomfortable territory. She's right to want to stay away.
If you are something more sinister and in fact someone trolling, time wasting or dogging for research- do us all a favour and go away.

[PollytheDolly]

Wow! Give the guy a break.

Don't be too passive with her, if you want her in your life best be talking it out. If she's not interested then you need to ensure you are in your baby's life at least.

Good luck.

[Gregwar]

I'm not about to try and prove my authenticity. Honestly, 10Better10, it's such a shame you've lost all faith in me. I really enjoyed our chats.

ALLthedinosaurs, tbh...I completely agree with you. Clearly I went about it the wrong way but that's what I needed to hear: Harsh truth as such. That was the kind of thing I was hoping would come up in people "sharing".
I honestly don't know how I come across sometimes. I don't know how I'm perceived. I'm not very socially aware.

You're all right in saying that there must be a reason why she's not into me, and that's ultimately what I'm trying to get to the bottom of. I've had to filter this advice through the parts of my relationship that I've not got time to talk about.
And you're right about me needing to be in a different forum, perhaps more suited to relationship advice lol.

And Ps: I refer to her as my BM because right now, that's all she is. I used to call her my partner but since someone else on here referred to her as my baby mum, I figured it made sense.

[ALLthedinosaurs]

Greg, you don't need pregnancy stories, you need relationship advice.

You may well be as lovely, kind, compassionate and caring as you say, but there is more to attraction than that, isn't there. You can't make her want you around by being as nice and passive as you can. She just isn't into you.

In a previous thread you've said that your relationship is short lived and loosely defined as such, yet you've also gone on about how much you love her, want to be her husband etc and to be honest, borders on obsessive sounding. I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you come across very dramatic in your posts.

I think it's highly likely that you've become overly emotionally involved in this woman when it hasn't been reciprocated. I am sorry, but if this is the case, there is nothing you can do to change that. Getting her pregnant, whether accidentally or on purpose (I'm not specutating how it happened, in the kindest way, I don't care) isn't going to change that either or secure the kind of happy family situation you want.

I am sorry, but it IS up to her who she involves in her pregnancy. The chances are, if you carry on behaving like this, you're going to push her away.

Pull yourself away, stop the obsessing, get some space and offer support from afar, like a text or something, for her to take up when and if she wants it... but don't do this "I'm so lovely and passive" thing. It won't do you any favours. Honestly.

[Barefootcontessa84]

I actually recognise the style of this poster - I'm sure he's posted very similarly in relationships before (without the baby aspect), not knowing what he could possibly be doing wrong. I think he referred to women as 'females'...

[TheresAlwaysTimeForTea]

God please stop referring to her as your BM?! That is vile! And may I suggest you talk to her instead of posting on the internet for sympathy. If she doesn't want to talk to you, I'm sure there is a reason.

[Cailler]

Maybe start by stopping referring to her as your "baby mum"?

[10Betty10]

I really do not believe you. If you wanted more help and support you could have continued your original thread or started another in a similar vein.

What you have done here is fished for information about people being left by their partners to be used for god knows what reason- it can't be a good one as it it in no way relates to your 'situation'. I call bullshit.

[Gallavich]

Being passive is not nice, it's awful in a partner. Why has she told you she doesn't want you involved? You haven't actually said

[SpeakNoWords]

The "ego boost" comes from hoping to get lots of stories about men that are shittier than you, so you feel better about yourself.

Your ex is allowed to decide, for any reason, that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. There's nothing you can do about this. It's sad for you that she's pregnant and so you won't be as involved in your baby's life as you'd have liked. You can still do the best you can in the circumstances you're in to prioritise your child, including working on a civil and respectful parenting relationship with your ex.

[gamerchick]

You don't have to just stop taking it you're genuine. You need a bit of a tough skin sometimes on here. We get a lot of researchers and journos wanting people to bare their soul just to print somewhere else. Have a look about, get involved in other places, this is a big site.

I don't see how abandoned stories will help you as you're not wanting to abandon though. All you can do is go down the correct channels, be persistent and sort out child support. No fighting with your ex, just a plan of the legal route so you get a relationship with your child when the time comes.

[Maudlinmaud]

So this woman does not want you in her life? I don't think there is much you can do.

[Gregwar]

I wasn't looking for an ego boost.

Where is the ego boost in the fact that, despite everything I've done, everything I'm doing, and everything I'm trying to do, my BM still doesn't want me? How am I supposed to feel good about that?
I'm kind, I'm caring, compassionate, often selfless. I try to put my BM before me and consider her feelings over my....and she still doesn't want me around?

I NOW realise that, what I asked was a very broad question and that chances of me getting anything from it are slim. I didn't think it through.

[PurpleDaisies]

Again, tendency to be passive isn't a reason to cut someone out of their life. There's more to this than you're saying here.

[Gregwar]

I have a tendency to be quite passive.

Anyway, I'm clearly digging myself a hole so I'm just gonna stop talking

[Gallavich]

There's a small chance you're genuine, in which case, post a thread talking about your specific situation and asking for advice. Trolling for women's sob stories is shitty behaviour, whatever your motivation. Even if you just want to be made to feel better because you're not like those awful men - you're asking women to share their painful histories for the sake of an ego boost to you. Think about it.

[PurpleDaisies]

If anything, she struggles with the fact I'm TOO nice.

I've never seen ANYONE cut someone out of their life for being too nice.

[Barefootcontessa84]

Also the woman whom I love more than any woman I've ever loved (bar my mum and and my sister)

[Gregwar]

MsGameandWatch: There's no chance she thinks that. If anything, she struggles with the fact I'm TOO nice.

[Barefootcontessa84]

Why do you need to hear experiences of women with men who don't want to be involved, when you do? Do you think you shouldn't want to be or something? How are those women's situations any of your business, or do you want to hear so it gives you some kind of ego boost/makes you think you're extra special?