Dealing with gender disappointment advice

[Mooseboots]

Hey,

I've made an account on this site after reading some of the posts here.
I'm currently dealing with gender disappointment and have ready on multiple posts that it's completely normal and natural to feel this way and I shouldnt feel bad... but I honestly didn't expect to feel as bad as I do.
I've always pictured myself having a girl. I've even had dreams about my future daughter during pregnancy which made me 90% sure we were having a daughter.
I feel I must mention this is my first pregnancy and I've always always wanted to be a mother.
Sure enough we went for our scan last week and found our we are having a boy and I've been crying since.
People just keep telling me the same things.
"It's just your hormones!"
"Boys are easier!"
"You'll feel differently when he's here."
"You'll love him just the same!"
Which is fine and I'm happy to know it's going to get better but that doesn't really help me now.
I used to love being pregnant. I've had no issues whatsoever... no morning sickness at all. No odd cravings... only the occasional ache.
I used to rub the belly and talk to it whenever I was alone... now I won't even really acknowledge that I'm pregnant at all. The kicks that I once loved to feel are now an annoyance to me and I can't go baby shopping without getting massively emotional and having to go home.

I've read online that this is more common with people who feel they won't be able to connect with a certain gender but also with people that have experienced distress from a certain gender, whether that be emotional or physical... that's me all over. I know this is my issue but I don't know how to solve anything.
I worry that my depression is ruining the experience for my partner and I really want to work on changing my attitude towards it.

I feel absolutely terrible.
So in short... my question is...
Has anyone else gone through similar and how did you overcome it and continue enjoying the rest of the pregnancy?

Thanks a lot for your help!

[Mooseboots]

Oh as I say, we are getting used to it now, we have a name picked out. And he is definitely a he when weveryone refer to him now so it's not like I'm completely letting my mind run away with the fairies. I'm just scared of all I'll miss out on without a girl.

[Micah]

What are you going to "miss out on with a girl" though?

There is honestly nothing you can do with a girl that you can't do with a boy.

[cbigs]

I understand op. I have 2 ds and my third was a girl. I adore my boys but would have felt a massive disappointment at never having both experiences . I had an early scan with my daughter because I needed to prepare if it wasn't a girl. I don't think people understand a lot of the time what gender disappointment is like so it's lovely there are so many supportive comments on this thread. You will melt when you see that baby I promise you.

[Mooseboots]

Pretty sure I'd get some strange looks if I went disney princess dress shopping with my son tbh xD. It's just not the same picking up a spiderman costume. (Baby is due just after Halloween so looking forward to having dress up bday parties every year).

I'm actually really glad many people seem to have gone through it too. I know someone that feel exactly the same in real life and ended up having 7 kids just so she could have one girl.
I don't expect anyone to understand, but I'm glad some do.

[Micah]

Pretty sure I'd get some strange looks if I went disney princess dress shopping with my son tbh xD. It's just not the same picking up a spiderman costume. (Baby is due just after Halloween so looking forward to having dress up bday parties every year)

You might get a girl that prefers spiderman to princesses. I did. Mine is born on halloween and she has never worn a princess dress, ever. She far prefers cats.

I did feel like you, I'm not being awkward. When I found out we were having a boy I went through everything I thought I wanted a girl for. Stuff like I'm a big ballet buff- but have you seen male ballet dancers? Many boys are better than girls.

When you come down to it what you do with your child depends more on their personality than a willy or lack of. Some boys enjoys shopping, some girls hate it (I do!). Some girls hate make up and dresses, and like football. Some boys are talented at arts and crafts, some girls are scientists.

When your child grows find out what they like, and do those things. Not what you think "a girl" should like, or "a boy".

As I tell my kids, there is nothing to stop you doing what you like. Nothing is "for boys" or "for girls". If it is, it's not suitable for children ;).

[Scarydinosaurs]

moose equally, your girl could have hated Disney princesses.

We don't get to pick the children we get, we're just given them. Having no expectations is the best place to start.

Imagine how those six brothers felt about their mother and their sister? It isn't a mentally healthy perspective; try and address these fears with a positive outlook and take back all the preconceptions you thought you had.

You never know, you might get to go Disney princess dress shopping with your son after all.

[Chinks123]

I wouldn't dwell on the whole Disney princess thing, my DD is a little tomboy and loves anything with paw patrol on, she wears dresses but is always muddy and racing round on her bike she's not a girly girl. I do understand what you mean, I was 1000% sure I was having a boy and couldn't take it in when I knew she was a girl. But now I can't imagine having a boy she's just perfect. Children are children and as pps have said they tend to hate the gender stereotypical activities you plan in your head anyway!

[Mooseboots]

I would hope not lol. Not being funny but I can't see myself being one of these gender neutral mothers that are perfectly okay with their son's wearing dresses. (My ex came out as a transvestite after we got married. It's certainly not a life that I would wish on anyone and I will be swaying my child away from that life as much as possible.)

In hindsight my issues may be simply because I've had so many problems with men!

[Chinks123]

How will you be 'swaying your child away from it as much as possible?' If he asks if he can wear a dress you'll say no?
Genuine question btw not being a dick.

[Mooseboots]

I'll not be saying an outright no... but I wouldn't want him to grow up with any confusion either. I'd try to explain that girls and boys have different clothes to wear. Simply put.
My ex husband now walks around in fishnet tights and a miniskirt and gets called the town freak. That's not exactly the life I'd want for my son.

[Micah]

Has it occurred to you by letting a little boy explore female clothing when he is young you may take the mystery and forbidden ness of it all away?

Was your ex allowed to experiment with clothes as a child or was he told he couldn't?

I don't think children get confused, I think it's more confusing that they like stuff and they are told they can't because of their willy. That's might be what sets them off to gender confusion- I like dolls and dresses, that makes me a girl...

[Scarydinosaurs]

I think the root of your problem is clearly your issues with your ex.

Have you ever had counselling for this?

[Mooseboots]

See in all fairness, this is exactly why I have fears of raising a boy. There's so many taboos with boys that you just can't talk about, there's so many things that you are not allowed to say you wouldn't be comfortable with. You don't get that very much at all with girls. They can dress how they want, do what they want.
How am I supposed to know ow if I'm doing the right thing or not by telling my little boy it's incorrect for him to wear dresses when do many people seem to think that it's okay these days?

I don't feel my issues are so much with my ex, more that I'll accidently raise my child to be like him.

[GashleyCrumbTiny]

Based your last couple of updates I think you should look into finding someone with whom you can talk through your hangups about gender conformity. Someone sympathetic to your issues can probably help you make this a lot easier for yourself.

[DavinaETaylor]

I'm a little late coming to this thread, but I wanted to offer my experiences up for you.

My first baby was a boy and I was ecstatic about him. When it came to my second, I knew I wanted to find out what we were having so I could prepare myself if it turned out to be another boy.

It was another boy.

I cried on and off for a week and kept hugging my bump and apologising for being sad and telling my baby over and over that I loved him and I wanted him and I couldn't wait to meet him.

21 months on and I still feel pangs of sadness now and again when I know I'm not going to ever have a daughter (even more so when I found out that my estranged brother was having a daughter). BUT I adore my second little boy and we have an incredibly strong bond. I wouldn't trade him for a daughter even if I could.

I wrote this blog post on the subject and I hope it might help you.

“Do you wish you had a girl?” | Motherhood IRL
motherhoodirl.wordpress.com/2016/06/17/do-you-wish-you-had-a-girl/

[Casmama]

In the nicest possible way OP, get a grip!
Yes you might have found it easier to bond with the idea of a girl but actually your daydreams of Disney princess dress at very little to do with actually bringing up children.
I think you need to fake it till you make it. Actively try to think of gender neutral scenarios or things you think of as boyish. Think of your babies first smile or when they first call you mummy, the delighted grin they might have when they learn to through a ball and you catch it or the big deep breath they take when they stop crying cos mummy is giving them a cuddle and that is the one thing in the world that they need at that moment. These are the real things that foster a bond with your baby, not princess dresses!

[GlitterGlassEye]

My dps family produce boys so when first dc was a boy I wasn't surprised. 4 years later we discovered we were having a girl, the first in his family for nearly 4 decades. I always saw myself with boys but she was and still is my little rose (her first baby grow was covered in them). 7 years later, pregnant again. I assumed a boy but another girl for us. As an only child I'd always wished for a big brother. So I'm happy how things turned out despite it not matching image in my head.

[GlitterGlassEye]

Fcks sake, here we go with the 'it's perfectly fine for boys to wear dresses' brigade.

No.

It doesn't fit within societal norms for most people outside this site.

There you go.

[winkywinkola]

Whenever I found out the sex of my babies, I was distraught. I was saying good bye to the other sex. I was definitely grieving for the other I wasn't going to have.

I have a dd and dss. It didn't matter which sex. I still bawled and sulked about it.

My reaction was totally disproportionate. But that's partly because the baby is still abstract when you're pg.

When your son, your flesh and blood, your fine boy, has arrived, you will look at him and you will want to fiercely protect him and have such pride that he is your boy.

[WalkingZed]

Little boys are amazing! I don't understand why anyone could be disappointed to be pregnant with a boy! Honestly and truly I could eat my little boy up (he's 3) I love him so much.

Sorry to point out the obvious but it was a bit silly to assume you were having a girl based on a dream.

Anyway as others have said you get what you get! The whole Disney princess thing is nonsense and you might do this what, once or twice?

I've a dd (only 1.5 to be fair) and she loves cars, tractors, Lego. My ds likes these too but plays with the dolls that dd doesn't bother with, clips around in my shoes and puts on my makeup when I don't put it out of reach

The bubble and abstractness of pregnancy is NOTHING like reality.

Your son will be your world!

[malvinandhobbes]

My first two were boys, and I was terribly disappointed each time. Both times I was sure I was having a girl.

My boys are so wonderful. They are cuddly, and sweet, and transparently simple to read. They are older and all elbows and big feet and sometimes smelly and wonderfully sweet and vulnerable. They are so very, very easy to love. You know this must be true because I just said they were smelly and wonderful in the same sentence. There is something very special about a mother/son bond. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it really will be fine and you will fall in love with you son.

Now after many years I am having a girl and I am terrified. I am worried I won't be able to love a girl as much, or that I will have more conflict with a girl. I am very worried about this girl conflict because I never have serious conflict with my boys (their father does). I know these are silly fears but they are mine and I am working through them.

Go to JoJo and look at the baby clothes. I much preferred the boys clothes when I was in there last time.

[Wishfulmakeupping]

I agree you should look into counselling regarding your ex op think it would really help you but (and I know you've heard it a million times already) you really will feel differently when your son is here

[joellevandyne]

OP, it sounds like you have a lot going on. It's hard when you've put faith in an intuition, and then find out that your intuition was wrong. It makes you question yourself, and your own judgement.

But that's not a bad thing, going into parenting. This is probably the first of many, many times you'll need to reevaluate your ideas about how parenting actually is, compared to how you thought it would be.

The situation with your ex is another aspect of this. One thing you'll learn quite fast is that there's not much swaying that can be done when it comes to your kids' personalities. If your little boy loves pink and Ariel, showing him all the Spider-Man costumes in the world isn't likely to change it. He'll just hide that preference for you until he's old enough to claim it for himself, like your ex did.

You say your ex gets called "the town freak" and that's not the life you'd want for your son. But that's the life your ex chose; the life that he feels is better than the 'normal' one he used to have. It must have taken him a huge amount of courage to claim it.

If I were your ex's mum, I'd be proud of my son for being true to himself. That takes character. It doesn't take a lick of character to call someone a freak though.

[Knightridergirl]

I know how you feel.
I also had dreams during pregnancy that I was having a baby girl and I was totally convinced a girl was on the way but I was disappointed when we found out it was a boy. (My husband was over the moon!)

For the rest of the pregnancy I was like you and still couldn't shake the disappointment until I went potential baby boy clothes shopping;
if you go to Mothercare or Next you'll be depressed at the lack of baby boy's choices but it was at a GANT store in Bluewater that I saw my first baby boy oxford shirt and I discovered the truly amazing baby boy clothes there are if you look for them. Zara baby clothes also helped me to look forward to having a boy.
It sounds ridiculous I know, but in the first 20 weeks when I thought I was having a girl I had planned all the outfits and even baby jewellery for my potential baby girl (but didn't buy any) so I was heartbroken when my scan showed a boy.
Its a cliché but you really will feel different once he's here in your arms and he looks at you in a way that no other male ever would and I'm sure you will love him just as much as you would have your baby girl.

[Fourfifthsof]

I thought my son was a girl to start with and I thought I would have a girl as soon as I found out I was PG. I had planned clothes for a girl, names for a girl - everything.

Firstly, I think if you feel this strongly and this disappointed then you should speak to your midwife or GP about potential prenatal depression. There is no shame in how you are feeling - it is completely natural and you just need some time and some help to work thorough it.

Secondly... Boys are ACE. (I am sure girls are too) I LOVE that I have had a boy and I would never change him, despite my initial longing for a girl. We relate to one another completely (he is 1) and are completely inseparable - I thought I would feel closer to a girl but I can't imagine I would feel closer to a baby than this, based on sex at least. He is a total Mama's boy and we adore each other. I love him so much I can't explain and when he smiles at me and I look at his little face and into his beautiful eyes, I just see love, love, love...

I guess what I am saying is that although I thought I was having a girl and called the baby 'she' and picked outfits and shoes and thought about her name etc the same as you, there is much more than you ever imagined to come, and you need some help to work towards it.

I hope you can find a way to feel better and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

P.S. Buy some little outfits if / when you feel ready - seeing the tiny clothes really brings it home how scrumptious your baby is, regardless of his sex.