Unsupportive partner sorry for the rant

[Smile150]

Hi I'm new to this,

I'm currently about 6 weeks pregnant with second child with my partner and I feel no support from him at all. I've been suffering with nausea and lightheadedNess and been generally feeling awful . Our daughter doesn't sleep much at night so I rarely get a good night's sleep and she is with me all day so I never have time for myself. He doesn't contribute towards our bills I pay for pretty much everything, he only looks after our daughter every now and again for me to have a break, he never cleans up after himself and he never even cooks I have to do everything. And If I don't cook then he can become a bit funny. But as he is self employed and works everyday I feel like Im supposed to be cooking and doing it all.. he doesn't even ask me if I'm feeling ok or if he can do anything he just turns it around to be all about him. I'm really struggling with this pregancy with how I'm feeling I'm so happy to be pregmany just feeling like this brings me down and is making me feel depressed and he is not helping which makes me snap at him then he just turns it all around that I'm being a horrible person. What should I do.. sorry for the rant

[Stom91]

Yup. What keyboard said. She hit the nail on the head xx

[KeyboardMum]

Lol what? There is only one thing tighter than your dear partners arsehole right now, and that is a Chinese finger trap.

With all due respect, you are needlessly, financially impoverishing yourself and it's really sad.

You're pregnant and you already have a child dependant on you. It's so important that you hit this nail on the head now, because unnecessary stress is not good for a developing baby, and it's really not good for you either. All of this stress can be avoided!

So he has two jobs (from which neither currently yields a penny to your household), one which pays a wage into his bank account, and one which he 'does on the side' for extra cash, which also mysteriously disappears every time he accrues it? That sounds pretty dodgy to me to be honest.
I assume he isn't doing his self-employed tax contributions correctly either if it's cash in hand and he can't provide a record of it.
If you can't squeeze any maintenance out of him, you could always threaten him with HMRC... ;)

Okay, so that means that he does have some kind of record of his wages for the other job at least. Get ahold of these statements and look at where the money is going. Like I mentioned earlier, work out how much your house is currently running on and what is needed from him to help supplement that. Don't forget, If you are cohabiting with him, then your bills are also his bills and he needs to help pay them. Otherwise, he needs to GTFO. It's simple.

YOUR Benefits are affected

As a full time mum, with no job and no support from your Leech, I'd assume that you are living on benefits?

Don't forget that the amount you can receive in benefits is directly affected by both your income (which I'd assume is 0, because you're a full time mum), and your partners income. This is all calculated when your housing and social situation is assessed. In simpler terms:

Because you don't work, the money you currently receive in benefits is calculated based on how much your partner is bringing in.

If that money is not being provided, then your benefits calculation is grossly undervalued, and you are not receiving the support that you should be - because you aren't getting the money from him - the extra money that that calculation is based upon.

The money is not flowing into the household as it should be. This is a huge problem for you... So stand your bloody ground. If he isn't paying, it's directly affecting how much support you can get - how much council tax you have to pay, how much rent you have to pay etc...

He either pays, or he needs to go.

[Smile150]

He has money from another job that goes into his bank account and pays his own bills. But he never puts any cash he gets paid into the bank it goes into his poctet

[AKP79]

How are you managing to pay the bills yourself if you don't work and he doesn't contribute?

Having done the controlling partner thing and the single mum thing, I can wholeheartedly say that being a single mum was by far the easier and healthier option.

[KeyboardMum]

So, he gets paid cash in hand and pays for everything with cash? He doesn't deposit anything into his bank account? He just... Stuffs it all into a jar somewhere instead and then spends it as and when?

Just to get this strait, if you were to get a hold of 3 months worth of his bank statements, there would basically be no information there?

[Smile150]

I do have access to his bank account it's the money he gets paid in cash that I don't no what's happening to it. And no my family have helped me loads before they won't help again so I'm not able to ask them

[KeyboardMum]

Make a list. Lists are the answer to everything.

List your current expenditures and how much you are paying for each on a monthly basis. So, do a Google Docs spreadsheet, do something like:

Money in:
HB - £xxx
Child benefit - £xxx
Wage - £xxx
etc, etc...

Money out:
Rent - £xxx
Water - £xxx
Gas & Electric - £xxx
Food - £xxx
Internet - £xxx
Mobile Phone - £xxx
TV License - £xxx
Child - £xxx
Pet - £xxx
Travel/petrol - £xxx
Council tax - £xxx
Insurance - £xxx
Savings - £xxx
etc, etc...

Get tangible evidence for how much you are contributing financially, and how much your household needs to function. Get a figure.

Now work out what your leech, sorry 'other half', does to contribute towards the household expenditures.

Present your results to him and ask where his wage is going and why you are covering all of these costs by yourself. Sit down with him and work out, together, where his wage is going and how much of it he can contribute monthly to all of the household costs. It will be more then he is letting on. He needs to show you his bank balance, so you can see when and where the money is being withdraw and what it is being wasted on.

Get a direct debit set up, get that money going into your account monthly. (make sure a small amount of it (like £10 - £50) goes into a separate savings account of which he does not have access.

If he can't help out with the costs of living together in a household (and does nothing to contribute towards the chores or the cooking OR the child) then he shouldn't be living with you. Kick him out until he is able to grow up and front some of the bills.

in the meantime, perhaps you could try asking some relatives for money?

[Smile150]

Think he is slowly getting the message but we will see. He always seems to be so busy at work yet never see any money and then says he had to buy things for work and that yet he can't be using all of it so what's happening to the rest.. he was starting to give me money to put away but then stopped and started making excuses and it's not good enough. We have vintage shows we go to in the summer but he will have money for that but what about my bills and rent that need to be paid. Yet he doesn't give me the money to put away

[Stom91]

How are you OP?

[Stom91]

I would def talk to your family Hun. And if you can't find the words. I'd perhaps show them this thread. Especially what you wrote first. Then go from there x

[Smile150]

I think I have always felt this way even before I got with him I'm just obsessed with not putting weight on and have to weight every day.

[KatharinaRosalie]

you can still talk to your family, even if they don't like him. Especially if they don't like him, I would say. Their low opinion does not see entirely unjustified.

[Smile150]

No don't really have anyone I can talk to other than him. My family don't like him and won't be happy in pregant either

[skankingpiglet]

He's an emotionally abusive cocklodger. Easier said than done but I'd say LTB. As a PP said, what example does it set to your child(soon-to-be-'ren')? What does he bring to the relationship over the occasional portion of fish and chips? At least if you separate he'll have to financially contribute towards his own children and you'd get some down time when he has his access days.

The way you talk about your weight makes it sound like your self-esteem is pretty low at the moment. Have you always felt this was or do you think it has happened since you got together with your OH?

[Stom91]

Does the housework *

[lia666]

You need to be rid of him I think, if u stay with someone like that, that's allowing your daughter to think that it's ok for her to be treated like that whenables she is older, and if u have a boy, he will grow up to think it's ok to treat women like that, I had an ex partner like that, got rid of him and 3 months later he was in a relationship with someone that did exactly the same to him as he used to to me, so he knew how it felt, honestly u and your children deserve to be trated with respect, sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, just want u to know there is always a way out, if ur not happy change it, hope things go ok

[Stom91]

Agree with ava
My other half works as do I and we have a 2 yr old DD and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. He pays the bills with his money as it covers is and then we half my money as its our spending money type thing.
He come home from work and doesn't housework and takes care of DD.
I usually cook and he usually washes up.
Some days / weeks he does more house work than I do.

Your Dp is being selfish and sounds like he doesn't have any respect for you at all.

My friend had been through something similar but she had twins. He wouldn't help out or pay bills he was horrible to her made her feel bad. She left him. The. Took him back because it was easier. In the end she had enough and and left him for
Good and she hasn't been happier. He's still a prick. And makes her life difficult but she is 100X happier.

Sometimes you've just to do what's best for you and your happiness xx

[AvaCrowder]

It's not because he is a man. Lots of men contribute equally to their families and households. It's because he is selfish and controlling. You sound like you'd be better off without him, at least then you could enjoy your dd and your pregnancy. And lovely new baby

[Kimuli]

He is a control freak...relationships aren't one way, you deserve better, may be you should consider getting a job in the future? Sounds like you two are living different lives, I think you are better off on your own, you don't need this stress, some men think and behave like children.

[Smile150]

No I don't have anyone to talk to don't have many friends. So that makes it harder. He pays sometimes but I need to bag he won't offer money

[wombthereitis]

I know you're saying you do love him but it's not really clear what it is you love about him? He comes across as a controlling cocklodger who gets nasty when you ask to be treated with any sort of consideration and respect It doesn't seem like you'd be losing a great deal by leaving him. As a PP poster said, relationships don't have to be like this.

[sammyjayneex]

Sounds like my husband

[Stom91]

Easier to be with him but you're clearly unhappy.
Living an unhappy life isn't living at all.
And yes leaving will be bloody hard and struggle to begin with but in a years time it will all have settled down and you'll be a lot happier. And if people believe his lies they aren't friends anyway.
He's sounds controlling especially as he doesn't like you on your phone. And he doesn't pay any bills!? But he lives there?
Id be telling him he can shove it.

Do you have anyone in Real life you can talk to? X

[Smile150]

Yes we live together