DP going on a stag weekend when I'll be 38w

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

Yes. You read that correctly.

My DS came at 37 weeks as well, so kind of expecting this one to make an early appearance too.

He will be 6 hours away, so if I do go into labour when he's away he will most likely miss the birth.

Is it bad that I'm not actually annoyed? When I was in labour with DS (who has a different father) I felt like I just wanted to be left alone, like when an animal hides in a room to give birth. I'm planning a home birth this time and can just imagine him getting on my nerves (distracting me when I'm contracting, lurking, playing on his phone, just being him, ect) and I quite like the idea of just being on my own to deal with it until the midwife comes for the delivery. None of his flapping about, getting in a state, getting on my nerves ect.

My parents live on the road next to me, so if there was ever a need to rush to hospital they could always drive me anyway.

I've got no interest in finding an emergency birth partner for this particular weekend, and just think that if he misses the birth, that's on him... I can't tell him what he can and can't do and I can't particularly plead my case to have him there when I don't particularly want him there...

Sorry mr cake... I do really love you. You're just very very annoying.

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

Lulus- that is exactly the situation I think it'll be if he were here anyway, it wouldn't occur to him that behaviour is all done in the heat of the moment and he needs to step back from that. I shouldn't have to babysit him whilst in labour.

Hmmm maybe that's another thing to add to the riot act 'labour is not about you, I will not baby sit you so either make yourself useful with the midwifes or fuck off' and 'I love you with all my whole but if I hear one word on complaint about me being rude during labour, so help me god, I will destroy you'

The list is nearly complete

[LulusMiniEgg]

My DH didn't have this quandary but I'm pretty sure if he had he would have asked to go on the stag and I would have said yes.

We are both adament that having a baby won't change us from doing things socially apart from each other or together. We may need to adapt slightly but I'm not going to become a baby bore just because I have a child. I don't want our relationship with each other to become resentful.

DS1 was born 10 days ago and I was similar to you. I wanted to be left alone to concentrate and focus. After he was born I asked DH if I had been ok and he replied no you were rude and ignored me, I do t really know what the point of me being there was! I don't think he would miss further children's births but I don't think either of us would be devasted if he did. And don't get me wrong my DH is pretty much perfect - handsome, a hero (he's a fireman!), good round the house, social & so so smitten with our DS (and me!) that this one little thing doesn't matter.

Go with your gut, let him go, Sod's law you'll still be there at 42weeks!!!

[GotToBeInItToWinIt]

Luckily DH realised I was in no mood to be messed with and just left me alone... Seriously I don't think he said a word for about 10 hours. The midwife stayed pretty quiet too, I think I was giving off bad vibes

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

Weeblueberry- I am absolutely cracking up, my God id have done exactly the same thing! Honestly have the women that teach men to do these things actually given birth themselves? WTF were they thinking? It's the situation I need to avoid with DP entirely as he's quite the sensitive soul and would take it personally!

Weebarra- I think it's just my coping method, I was quite young when I had to have it and it was just how I learned to deal with nausea and pain! It worked for me so I tried it in labour and it worked for me again!

[weebarra]

You do sound very together about the whole thing and really, it is his loss if he's not there. I was different during labour, but I've done the surgery/chemo stuff too and I very much focused on myself then, really didn't want anyone around.

[weeblueberry]

I actually took a swing at DP because he kept looking deeply into my eyes and saying 'try and calm your breathing, look, breathe like I am....'. So I tried to punch him. Seemed like the most natural thing to do at the time tbh...

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

Gottobe I'm still cracking up at your 'definitly not allowed to speak to me' comment! I just relate to it so much!

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

Violetta- I agree, but I think that's on him! Not me! Personally if I was him, I wouldn't go because I wouldn't want to risk missing this... But I cant tell him that's how he should feel!!

Firsttimemummy- I'm not, I was more just wondering if it's normal to not be that fussed and not actually want him there

Thescenic- I've probably jinxed myself now and will want all those things!

Gottobe- I'm glad someone agrees with my list! I think I should run child birth classes... Instead of teaching massage I could be like 'don't do this' 'don't do that' 'do that and I'll break your knee caps!' He's not the father of my DS and I think he's underestimating how special child birth is. DS dad didn't want to see anything 'business end' when DS was born but in the heat of it all he had his head down there watching his son be born and he loved it!

[GotToBeInItToWinIt]

YANBU re your list of demands! I thought id want DH to rub my back, distract me and feed me snacks etc during labour. As it was, he was not allowed to touch me and definitely wasn't allowed to speak to me. The only words I spoke to him for the duration were 'put those fucking crisps away you're making me feel sick'.

YANBU about wanting to be on your own but I think he is BVVU about risking missing the birth of his child. Is he the father of your DS? Having said that my DH went away for the night when I was 2 days overdue with my blessing. My mum was there and he could be back in 2-3 hours if necessary.

[avocadotoast]

I'd be furious. I'm due mid-May and DH is happy not to make any big plans/overnight trips etc from late March just in case anything happens, I need support etc.

Even if you do want to be alone while you're in labour, it's not just then, is it? You'll likely need support in the days after.

[TheScenicRoute]

I'd have been annoyed, but you sound like you know exactly what you want and are very clear on the matter. Good on you. I just hope that hormones don't change the situation and you regret it, but for now, it's what you want and he'll think you're a legend for letting him go without a fuss. X good luck.

[Firstimemummy15]

My god I'm 38 weeks pregnant and I'm not allowed to even lock the bathroom door with out my partner worrying something is going to happen!! I say each to their own though and you do what's right for the 2 of you. I do wonder though that even though you seem like you don't mind if he isn't there for the birth it's playing on your mind enough to share on here so maybe you are a little??!!! x

[ViolettaBridgettettette]

How can he risk missing the birth of his child? I'd be gutted

[weelamb123]

Sorry to say nut he is being very inconsiderate. He should be at ur beck and call at the later stages. I would murder my dh if he even suggested it! Put ur foot down......xxx

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

Haha I'm pretty terrifying. Like a nippy little chihuahua biting your ankles.

To be honest, I'm usually really laid back, I just know what I'm like and what I'll want, I'm always the same. When I had chemo and surgery I was the same, and with my first labour being like that was the only thing that would relax me. I just felt I should maybe pre warn about how I'm going to be so he doesn't start flapping about thinking I need fanning and back rubs and soothing and I bite his head off, or throw his phone out the window.

Aside from this whole stag do thing, I think he'd be quite scared there anyway. Has anyone seen TBBT when Sheldon's sister is in labour? He'd be like that.

My DS is 5, and desperately wants to be there so the idea with him is to play it by ear. If it is too much or he doesn't like it my mum is about 90 seconds away to come and collect him, so I'm not too concerned about him at the moment!

He'd actually probably be a more useful support than DP!

[weeblueberry]

Given your list of 'don'ts' I think I'd be out of the country too, you sound scary!

I'd have said so before my first labour too but then it turned out I wanted pretty much all those things too! You can't know what you're going to want/need until you're there I suppose but each birth is different.

Frankly if you're not keen on having him there I'd let him go. It's totally normal to want to crawl into a corner alone to give birth - lots of women want to.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

I wouldn't point it out to him, he's an adult, and you're not his mother.

Like you, it wouldn't bother me to be left, but it would bother me that he didn't want to be there enough not to take this risk.

Is your DS old enough not to need looking after?

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

I know you 'love' him, but it doesn't sound like you like him very much?!

Given your list of 'don'ts' I think I'd be out of the country too, you sound scary!

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

I think I'm just going to point out to him before he goes (it's in April anyway) that I'm not fussed about him missing the birth, however, if I do give birth when he's away, then HE will probably come to regret that, and god forbid if anything bad happens, then you won't be there for either of us, as you'll be drunk and 6 hours away.

Most likely though I'll tell him that, nothing will happen that weekend and he will come home all smug and 'I told you so'

[Schweetheart]

I think you go into your own world anyway.

With both of my home births I didn't really know or care what anyone else was up to around me. DH's job was to sort the pool and that was it.

Also remember that as soon as you've had the baby you'll feel totally unpregnant, so that "I want my baby to myself" thing might be strong now whilst you are pregnant but might weaken quickly. At least that's what I felt anyway.

But if you're not bothered about having him there then no worries about the stag do. I think it's a bit of a shame that he could miss this amazing moment but each to their own!!

[ViolettaBridgettettette]

Or get him to ring the midwife and quiz her

[ViolettaBridgettettette]

I know you didn't need the support last time but what of you do this time?

I'd probably tell him that it up to him if he goes or not but that he must know there is a very good chance he might miss the birth because you were early last time.

[ViolettaBridgettettette]

I think its rather selfish/immature of him to want to be pissing it up with his mates rather then supporting his partner through something very special and intense and unique.

[Letmeeatcakecakecake]

I think in his head, he thinks that the baby won't arrive for another 2-4 weeks and he will be in the country so it's a safe bet.

I think if I were to object to him going, He wouldn't go. But I haven't because I remember just how primitive I felt when I was in labour the first time around...

I was actually on the verge of giving him a list of rules like .... Do not speak to me unless spoken to, do not burst into the room I'm in unless I ask, do not touch me unless I ask, do not turn any lights on unless I ask, do not DARE sit and watch videos on your phone ESPECIALLY with the sound on and NO LURKING AWKWARDLY ect... Just to show how serious I feel about being left to it!

He's always very bad at blood, can't handle needles (even though he's covered in tattoos), extremely squeamish, and a complete wuss.

I kind of like the idea of just being left to it, and having some one on one bonding time with the bubba after it's born without having to share!