I'm 40. I've just had a boozy holiday with a 'light period' throughout. Just POAS :-(

[ColdComfort1974]

I di

[ToAvoidConversation]

This is such a common worry. Please don't worry! I was TTC for nearly 2 years and the one time I let myself drink during the two week wait was the one month I was pregnant. But then I was relaxed, I was on holiday and that possibly helped with the conception I suppose! (Well that and the clomid). I know during the first few weeks of being pregnant with me my Mum was on holiday and getting drunk.

I also have a few friends who didn't realise until 5/6 months and drunk very heavily and their babies are fine.

[wigglylines]

My sister's friend went full term without realising she was pregnant, when she was a student. Drank fairly regularly throughout. The baby - now a strapping 11yo boy, was absolutely fine. Obviously that's an extreme example and shouldn't be used as a reason to drink while, pregnant, but just to say babies can be tougher than you think.

Personally i had a few boozy nights before i found out i was pregnany, at about 4 weeks past conception, as did lots of us. If FAS was a certainty there would be a huge number of affected babies, there are thousands of accidebts every year, and many many mums who have had nights out before realising they're drunk.

I did some training on substance use (among teens) some years back. We learnt about FAS but we also learnt perhaps a more significant risk to pregnancies where the mother is a drinker is termination because she thinks she's harmed the baby.

I tried to hold onto that idea when i found out i was pregnant. I remember the feeling of dread, i worried i had harmed my baby. That is a distant memory now, he's 5, super bright, l and a joy.

[wigglylines]

Oops, freudian slip perhaps?!

That should say plenty of mums have nights out not realising they're pregnant, not drunk!!

[Littleturkish]

Please do not worry! I spent the first month drinking every few days and properly drunk drunk several times before I clocked I was pregnant. I have one very active, bright and totally healthy 18 month old now who was completely unaffected. At this early stage, it won't make a difference. I only realised I was pregnant when suddenly I didn't want to finish my bottle of wine!

Deep breaths. You will be fine. And huge congratulations! You're going to be a mother!!

[bunchoffives]

Don't worry OP. It will be fine re the alcohol. I remember getting really soaked on vodka then finding out I was pg despite to negative tests. My baby was fine.

I'd worry more about vits + minerals now. Are you taking your folic acid? Vit D?

[bunchoffives]

two neg tests ffs

[wigglylines]

Coldcomfort, how are you feeling? Are you allowing yourself to understand it's probably all ok? Other than worries about booze, do you want this baby? Can we say congratulations?! :)

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

Congratulations and stop worrying. If boozing and conceiving were that bad, by home small town would have very few healthy babies. (Rumoured to have the most pubs per head of population in country.)

[Planetwaves]

I thought the embryo mainly lives off the egg sac until the placenta starts to form and the maternal blood supply takes over and that's a few weeks in? I think you shouldn't worry at all OP!!

[allisgood1]

Another one who drank over Xmas because " can't possibly be pregnant with a negative test". I'm now 38 weeks and healthy. Congratulations. Don't panic.

[ikeaismylocal]

Just think, not very long ago these early tests just didn't exist so no one had any idea that they were 4/5 weeks pregnant. You did everything you could to check and see if you were pregnant, anyone would have assumed the same as you with a negative test and spotting.

In the article you linked it also said that it was possible slight facial changes that could be made, not brain changes. so even if the article is correct and your fetus had been effected it would be ever so ever so slight and would not effect their life at all.

I was told that there was no way I would get pregnant the month I got pregnant with ds, I had a scan of my overies done by an ivf dr and he said I wouldn't even ovulate that month. The month after we were due to start IVF so I drank on multiple occasions quite large amounts (drowning my sorrows a little), we were on holiday and I just saw no reason not to. My period never came, I was pregnant. I think possibly it was all the alcohol that helped me finally relax enough to get pregnant but I did worry hugely about the alcohol I had consumed. Ds is now coming up for 2 and a perfect little boy, he hit all his milestones early and is seemingly very bright and happy.

I hope things go well for you, congratulations on your pregnancy!

[ColdComfort1974]

Oh goodness - what lovely kind women you are to take the time to help - I am truly touched.

It would appear I con conceived 2 days after my 40th birthday. Frantically scanning diaries and piecing it together. I have 2 happy healthy kids - 7 and 8 - we went in for another 'go' 4 years ago with no luck and I had come to accept my family was a complete unit. Now this! I'm 40! I was thinking of throwing myself into my career to get the mortgage paid off and early bloody retirement! My husband is 46. It's insane to throw our family into such chaos -particularly with the chance of complex special needs. The guilt and worry would end our beautiful existing family that has been a total joy. But what if? What if we actually could manage? Does any 20 year old want a 66 year old dad? God, what a mess. Keep remembering how lovely toddlers are though

[ApocalypseThen]

My sister in law had the same boozy concern. She got pregnant on honeymoon and really didn't expect to. There's so much talk about how women of 35+ struggle to conceive she really didn't think it could happen.

She "confessed" all to the GP who laughed and said that every woman says just the same thing.

Her son's a 2.5 year old delight.

[Littleturkish]

My mum had my little brother in her 40s. Built in babysitters, relaxed wisdom of an experienced mum and all the baby stuff already bought!

It's not easy, but it never is. I really hope whatever you decide to do you are reassured by the fact you've done no harm by drinking.

[ColdComfort1974]

Hello littleturkish - did you feel the need to grow up very quickly? Do you have a connection with him? Once he was an 'only child' as it were was he lonely? Too many questions I know.

[oldandhaggard]

Name changed for this ..

[m33r]

Hi op. I hope you are feeling much better about the drinking. My dm (who is the BEST dm in the world) found out she was pg on Christmas Eve and decided to 'ignore' it so she could enjoy Christmas and new year. Obviously not condoning this but I am totally fine and actually fairly intelligent .

Re age, my DH is 42. It's not exactly the same but I shouldn't worry about age. A 31 year old could get hit by a bus or whatever.

Good luck whatever you decide but please do not worry about alcohol having an effect x

[ColdComfort1974]

I feel so hideously irresponsible - every time I ordered a drink part of me said 'negative test or no negative test, this is a bit late even by your standards' then 'oh what are the chances? I'm 40 and we tried every month for 2 years' let this be a dire warning to anyone that might read this in future - rationalising it doesn't work just because you're in Greece having a lovely time :-( if I'd been here I'd have popped to boots several times 'just to make sure' :-( Every part of having a special needs child surely is thrown into sharp relief when you are very much at fault, surely? Would they even let me keep it post diagnosis? Would they start looking into my family generally? Oh dear - at every second my timing appears to have been extraordinarily unlucky - what were the chances?

[lettertoherms]

My brother was around your dcs age when I was born. My dad was in his forties.

I don't think my brother would ever say he had to grow up very quickly, though he was a wonderful, caring big brother. The dynamic of having an sibling with that gap was fantastic for me, he's been my protector all my life. Obviously, we didn't have the same friends growing up, and it's only as adults we're starting to have our circles overlap a bit. But we always had a great relationship, even as pre-teen and older teen we'd do things like go to the cinema together. I never felt lonely, I did play a lot on my own as a small child like an only child might, but I did have friends of my age.

And my dad, in his sixties now, is fab. Wouldn't go trading him for a younger model for any money.

[oldandhaggard]

Sorry Cold, can we hold hands.. I am 46 and unexpectedly pregnant - contraceptive failure. We only managed sex once (holidays and working away got in the way). I was always vvv fertile but I can't believe it.

I am just about to go back to my career properly - 8 year old DC at a lovely stage.

I have a complication that makes me high risk, had so many miscarriages - into double figures, some quite late. Last one at 40 when I was very ill for a good few months afterwards

Saw a consultant last week and they are throwing the book at me medically (am six weeks).

To terminate after such a long battle to increase our family seems almost wrong but I am so unsure about it right now. Like you we would be paying off our mortgage v quickly with my career back on track but with another child and two lots of school fees etc., etc., life will be very different.

I think we would deal with all that but to be honest now that it is all behind us I realise that I really didn't enjoy the baby stage at all, I found it all very boring and mundane.

My biggest worry is the risk to my health I think - I find the thought of it all going wrong terrifying. Then there is how DC 1 adapts to it all if it happens.

I don't think your age is a problem, nor your husbands. Lots of people have children in their 40s these days. It is just whether you can or want to deal with the loss of your plans and the disruption to your current family unit.

VVV hard indeed.

[Georgina1975]

I got pregnant at 35 - quite unexpected for several reasons!

Was 6/7 weeks when I found out. This was after a VERY boozy Xmas, my Xmas birthday and New Year. Consultant and midwives said not to worry. DC fine too.

DP was 54 when she came along :-0 . We've coped just fine. She has a brilliant relationship with older SDC (now 26 & 23). They have been away to University and started jobs, and the connection remains strong. She gets the best of both worlds tbh. Doting older siblings but the financial advantage of the age gap (we have more money to spend on her).

We have both managed with very demanding careers too.

FWIW I would not get hung-up on the only child issue. Just make sure your house is always open for friends...

[crazykat]

When I would have been between 2 & 6 weeks pregnant with my dd I got absolutely plastered twice and had been drinking every weekend. I was 19 and went out a lot and my dd wasn't planned at all. She's absolutely fine and is top of her class at school.

With my ds2 I was taking diazepam, ibuprofen and tramadol for 3 weeks for a severe back spasm when I found out I was pregnant. It would have been between weeks 2-5 pregnant that I was taking these and he's perfect.

Try not to worry. There's plenty of women who don't know they're pregnant and get regularly plastered and go on to have perfectly healthy babies.

[ColdComfort1974]

Oh oldand - much of that rings so true! A few years ago I would have been over the moon - this is so bitter sweet. New born babies are my idea of hell, but I've been there and know it gets beautiful fairly fast and could cope. My two dd's - without relying on them - presumably would prevent the 4pm dirty dressing gown unbrushed teeth bit. But, childcare costs for a baby plus afterschool, getting through 11+ pre teen angst and then ferrying them about as teenagers with a tot around! It seems impossible - I fought tooth and nail to keep my career - this could end it.

Have you decided one way or the other? I'm still very much in shock so hope I can see out of my own bum enough to be of limited help.

I know I only started enjoying parenthood about 3 years in. That's 4 years off. 4 years of my little girls time that are already here when they need me. And I may be sitting on a whole new world of parental pain through damage I've caused. I never ever thought for one second I would consider termination - but there is so much at stark and even considering continuing seems like an indulgence.

[ColdComfort1974]

stake (iPhone)

[squizita]

Cold you do seem to have picked up a lot of scary ideas about the 'chance' of 'special needs' ...really, your age and circumstances by no means mean a huge chance of this. Under 1% in fact.
Your automatic assumption that age gaps and older parents mean problems for the existing kids.
All of these are 'themes' in the media at the moment which are greatly exaggerated.
Maybe speak to a gynocologist or midwife about your clinical fears? It's not like 'ping' the day you turn 40 the risk becomes huge. It is still very low.

In terms of your family - we don't know them but you do. Same for your circumstances.
But is there someone IRL you can talk to about these anxieties? Who knows you well?