Struggling with maternity leave

[Alice2014]

So at 38 weeks I've just started maternity leave - I've always worked and never had any significant length of time of work other than a full week off for my honeymoon a couple of years ago. My job is (was) incredibly demanding and I now feel completely out my comfort zone. I'm no good at just sitting and doing nothing, the house is cleaner than clean, my freezer is fully stocked and everything is ready for our new arrival.

My DH is very supportive but with very few female friends, and no friends who are parents I have no idea how to make use of my time off work. I've worried about this since very early on in pregnancy, but didn't want to dwell on it too much - now it's here it's hit me hard.

Obviously when our son comes, I shall have something to fill my time with; even then I worry that once I'm over the initial tiredness and that I'll return to feeling like I need something more to fill my time and keep my mind active. I know I'll be a good mother and am really looking forward to parenthood.

Has anyone else felt like this and have some advice for me?

[weebairn]

Oh I loved mat leave. I have a very stressful tiring physical job too and I think I fainted at work 3 bloody times in the last week before I was off. So I spent the first 3 days of mat leave in bed sobbing and having a breakdown and then I had the best time EVER. I :

• watched almost all of the Olympics - I had to get DP to show me how to put the TV on the right channel cause I hadn't watched any in so long!
  
• watched lots of films
  
• read lots of books
  
• exercised every day, twice a day sometimes - yoga and swimming and walks along the river
  
• lots of shopping and window shopping
  
• visited friends, especially ones with kids who were free in the day
  
• listened to loads of relaxation cds and had afternoon naps/rests
  
• near the end when I was overdue I went out for a few "last" evening meals with DP!
  
• had a massage (or two, ahem)
  
• got a haircut, legs waxed…
  
• phoned and wrote to all my friends who lived further away and who I'd struggled to keep in touch with working so hard
  

GOD IT WAS BLISS. Apart from not being able to sleep cause my hips hurt too much. Wanted to punch everyone who told me to sleep.

I think my main bit of advice for when the baby is here is to accept that life does not go at the same pace as before. It's very relentless, but in a completely different way to working a fast paced job. You don't have to leave the house in 2 minutes flat. It's ok to spend a morning in bed if the night's been rough. I kept busy but tried not to pressurise myself to "achieve" things. It's usually worth just getting naked into bed or a bath with a newborn if things get stressful. Take an hour to cuddle, don't worry about the housework or your plans. Cancel on people, or tell them to come to you instead. It's ok to slow down.

I had the full year on mat leave and thought returning to 100mph work was tough, it was amazing for me. I was so obviously buckling under chronic stress and a year with a totally different focus and pace was amazingly healing for me. Other people really miss work and want to go back early - that's ok too.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I don't find it hilarious at all. Whilst I'd welcome some skivey relaxing time, I understand that not everyone is like me.

[Sunbeam18]

This is hilarious. At 38 weeks pregnant the OP has between 0 and 4 weeks (max) of relaxation time before her every minute is filled with looking after a newborn. Aren't you tired at this stage after working full time until this late? I was happy to have some down time to get the house and my head ready for the major life change ahead. Volunteering certainly wasn't something that entered my head!

[HomeIsWhereTheGinIs]

OP I am so pleased when I read posts like yours, it makes me feel less alone. I'm terrified that I'll be bored to tears with time off alone at home. Daytime TV holds no interest for me (although I'm another radio four aficionado). I plan to spend some time doing practical stuff (I'm only going on leave a week before the baby is due as I don't want to be climbing the walls with boredom) like organising our photo collection and starting to read the mountain of books I've been stockpiling to get me through mat leave. Classes like those mentioned above might be a nice idea to help you get out and about but don't worry if you're eager to get back to work. Being at home doesn't suit everyone! Might you be able to sign up to do some volunteer work with a local committee or similar? We have several festivals where I live and they're always looking for professional people to help them with presentations etc?

[Mummytobe2014]

Does anyone here have to deal with partners/husbands who works nights so they r asleep during day? Today is my first day of mat leave im 37 weeks today and find it very hard to do anything round the hse incase i wake him, its worse currently as he hasnt had nytime off for weeks as he is trying to earn as much as poss before baby comes etc. I dnt really have any friends that r around during day so i dnt know what to do with myself?
A friend from work hs jst hd her baby and i said i wld like to see her but as its all so new to her i dnt think she wants many people round etc.
Annoyingly i have loads to get on with at home but its jst not possible till the eve when im exhausted lol.
Does anyone hve any suggestions?

[DewClawDisaster]

I had a really sensible mw when gp with my first, and she told me that people like me (ft work, new to area) can find may leave hard and advised putting some effort into making friends and getting familiar with our neighbourhood.

I did nct, pregnancy yoga, aqua natal, and attended a midwives drop in session once a week. After aqua natal at the local leisure centre, all the mums would go to a local coffee shop and once popped the mums with babies would meet us there. I clicked with a couple of people and we started meeting up. My nct group has met weekly ever since. I still get together occasionally with local mums from the mw group and pg yoga.

I walked a lot, read a lot and thought a lot - 5 years on and I still don't get much time to do those things, so I'm really glad I made use of that time. Try and go with it rather than fight it, it's a unique time that will never come again. Good luck.

[Scotinoz]

I had three weeks off before the baby arrived, from a fast pace 50/60 hour a week job. I seriously worried how I'd fill my time. I don't have many girlfriends or know many people with kids either.

First week was spent cleaning, doing a million tasks etc. Seconf week was spent desperately trying to fill my time - museums, throwing stuff out etc. First day of the third week I sat down with morning coffee and caught a repeat of Home & Away from circa '92...that was me. Last week was unbelievably relaxed!

My baby is almost 11 weeks and the days are filled nicely. Find one activity a day - Pilates, yoga, Mother's group, coffee, cinema - and the rest of the day fills itself with just day to day laundry, grocery shopping, hanging out with baby etc.

I manage a bit of the crossword or Suduko most days, and catch the news but it's lovely spending the time the way I do.

You do end up talking babies a lot, but end up speaking to a lot of strangers. I ended up having lunch with two lovely older ladies last week - super company!

[Sunbeam18]

'Once I'm over the initial tiredness...'; you will look back on that sentence and laugh in about 8 months time.

[EeyoreIsh]

I totally understand where you're coming from! I had a really busy job I loved, but I had to stop at 32 weeks as I was getting so uncomfortable and too stressed. The first weeks off were fine as it was Xmas so I was kept busy, but I got quite lost after that. I solved it by setting myself achievements for each day and arranging to meet people for lunch etc.

I'm now 3 weeks in with a newborn and it's different again! I actually find this bit more challenging than the period before the baby, as I'm constrained by baby and exhaustion.

I too don't love social things with strangers, but I've forced myself to go to a few baby groups and it's been ok. Everyone there has been in a similar position so I've found them welcoming. I plan to do something each day, even if it's just a trip to the shops.

I've told myself that I will start using KIT days from September, which doesn't feel as scary as thinking I'll go back to work in February!

[LightTripper]

Glad you are catching up pixie, gives me some hope!!

[Alice2014]

Thanks guys, more wonderful suggestions - I think that should fill the next few days. Thanks SuzieTwo for sharing your experience, I've already logged in and tweaked some code I wrote because I couldn't stop thinking about a different solution to what I had been working on; but I've promised myself that your all right and I should focus on me for a little bit - but KiT days and going back earlier are certainly things I'll consider later on. For now I'll take it a day at a time, which is easy on a weekend of family Birthdays!

[nearlyreadytopop]

I remember feeling like that whilst waiting on ds's appearance. I finished at 38 weeks and he was 10 days late. I have never been so bored and like you my house has never been so clean. I ended up addicted to a computer game whilst sitting on a gym ball.
If you think you might want to bf look for a local support group, they welcome pregnant ladies and you might meet up with others in similar circumstances.

[Pixielady83]

lighttripper I have just finished 2008 photobooks and tomorrow's job is sorting through 1300 photos from 2009!

[LightTripper]

I am hoping to have a couple of weeks before baby arrives to get all my digital photos from the last few years turned into albums. I am currently about half way through one from 2009 which I started about a year ago! Probably now she'll arrive early and I won't have time, but that is my plan. If I'm really at a loose end (maybe if she's late) I was also thinking of getting a sewing machine and starting to learn to sew.

I am actually kind of looking forward to the change, but work is so intense I suspect it might be a bit of a shock to the system when I get there, so can totally understand where you are coming from!

Good luck! LT xx

[PervyMuskrat]

I'm with SweetPea86 on this. I went on mat leave at 32 weeks last time as my job was stressful and I wanted a decent break before DC arrived. I used the time to rest, catch up with friends, do jigsaws, go out with DH, read in peace etc. I loved that time and felt much better for it when DC arrived and proved not to be very adept at this sleeping lark.

This time round I'll be working until 36 weeks (provided all goes well) and I'm looking forward to doing similar again when DC is in nursery.

Find a really good set of books and lose yourself in them. Would recommend the Discworld books or the Robin Hobb Farseer trilogy

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

If you have mobile numbers for the other women, maybe just send a friendly text to see how they're doing, you can see how they respond and decide whether to suggest meeting up.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I was also going to suggest the Ted lectures for something nice to do at home.

[SweetPea86]

Seriously? I'm on my mat leave and I'm 32 weeks but I decided to slow down at work due to sickness and SPD like you worked all my life never took a single sick day. But I wanted the last couple of months to be stress free. I haven't been sitting around been busy doing things I never get chance to do whilst at work,

It's time you will never get back for your self and once baby is here you won't stop. I don't know how I would of coped working till 38 weeks as I was in so much pain. But using my extra time off to an advantage. Why not catch up with family and friends, shopping, swimming going for a walk around the park. Read a good book. Take nice relaxing baths because that's one thing out the window once baba is here.

Don't get me wrong I love my job I love being busy and love all the people I work with. But life's not all about working. Life is for living enjoy your last few weeks of free time. :)

[Suzietwo]

A slightly different approach- you don't actually have to embrace it. With my first I was employed and worked a few hours from home until baby was born. I was back on work emails at my leisure within a few days, used my KiT days over first few months and went back at 3 months.

I left when baby was 10 months and went self employed so it was even more full on when baby 2 arrived. I was drafting stuff on 29.11 and she was born by c section on 22.11.

This is my third and I am due end of May and have a date I need to attend court on 20 June.

I'm not saying this is the right way but it is an option which might suit you. I find a holistic approach to work and childcare good for me. There aren't periods of pure child care but equally I am generally around more than most mums who do my sort of job/work. The shit periods are balanced by the good periods and if they're not I reassess.

I appreciate not everyone feels they can find a way of making this sort of thing work for them but I wanted to put it as an option.

[Haahoooo]

I agree with those that suggest planning something for every day once the baby arrives. I'm not very good at being home, and just having an activity every day to plan around is such a bit help.

Things I did first time around and will do again:

• Baby swimming
• Buggyfit
• Gymboree - music and play classes
• NCT coffee afternoon
• Playgroups once baby a bit older
• Meeting for lunch with colleagues or friends (provided they didn't mind me bringing DD!)
• Baby massage course
• Running (with running buggy once DD 6 months)
• Lots of walks, with other mums or alone)

Things I plan to try this time:

• Trips to museums while DS still 'portable' / mainly in sling
• Baby cinema
• Maybe baby yoga
• Maybe bang signing

Quite a few of these things cost money but worth it just for getting out if the house, and with luck you'll meet people there who you can then meet up with afterwards for free

Good luck!

[Pixielady83]

I felt exactly the same going off on my first maternity leave and actually put it back to stay working longer (albeit from home) because I was so freaked out by 'not working'. Having a baby was similar - I was too tired (and disorientated) to do anything much but I felt completely at sea just sitting on the sofa feeding all the time and watching daytime tv. I think listening to Radio 4 is a very good suggestion. Also watching documentaries on demand and TED talks. It took a long time for me to come to terms with a different pace of life that was not centred on being intellectually engaged on 'work' in all honesty and I'm not sure how I'll manage again this time (although I have enjoyed my early start to maternity leave far more as I appreciate that you just don't get time to do anything much for yourself, the house etc for so long afterwards!).

When you're ready (probably around the 10-12 week mark when things start settling down) finding good baby classes where you do an activity alongside other mums is a really good way to meet people - I found it much easier than the groups where you just sit around and drink coffee as there is an activity to focus on if conversation isn't flowing. Baby massage was free in our area when I had DD and was a nice low impact social thing to start with. The library activities were always nice and friendly too, and friends have enjoyed baby sign and baby swim classes also.

Don't feel bad if you're ready to go back to work earlier than planned. I had planned to take a year off and ended up going back on slightly reduced hours after 9 months because I needed to get back to feeling a bit more 'me' again. Also, remember you can have up to 10 'keeping in touch' days which don't affect your maternity leave but keep you in touch with what's going on in work - I used a few last time just to feel like I wasn't completely out of the loop and it really helped going back.

On the other hand you may take to it like a duck to water in which case embrace it, it doesn't last forever - the baby stage or maternity leave (although it may feel like it might at times in that first year!). Good luck

[Trooperslane]

I remember wandering round John Lewis baby section, bewildered!

My job sounds the same op and I've always worked really hard.

My 6 month old is a relatively (!) easy baby and I still have days like this.

It's a massive adjustment.

I'm out every day doing baby stuff, meeting DH or my boozy mummy friend for lunch and a cheeky vino

And (not a stealth boast I promise) my house has never been so organised and clean. My freezer is full and I'm on top of stuff.

(Clearly everything will go tits up when I'm back to work!)

[shobby]

I remember finishing work at 36 weeks with my first baby and feeling bored and very similar to you. Three months later I couldn't remember what we used to do in evenings and days off before our DD came along!
I found post natal life the hardest part of having a family, but second time around it was much better because a collegue was on mat leave with her first baby at the same time so we used to meet up and plan something together every few days, and we went to NCT pn exercise classes once a week which were fab. I went back to work at four months after my second child, and that was about right for me.

[Alice2014]

Pointing me in that direction.

[Alice2014]

Thanks for all your advice, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I've been to antenatal classes but felt awkward getting in touch with the two other ladies who attended - I've never been particularly good in social situations. I'm determined to work on this though.

I had started to crotchet but have been getting cramp in my fingers lately so found it too painful. Coursera sounds right up my street for keeping my mind busy - have just downloaded the app so thanks for p