Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

1 2

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Family visits after the birth

40 replies

Ziggimajiggi · 28/09/2011 14:04

I was just wondering what the usual protocol is? I know our family (and friends) will want to visit as soon as possible.

I'm staring to feel well stressed about when they should come, how long it's normal to stay and how to get rid of them ahem, how to gently hint that it may be best to go.

So...what worked for you?

OP posts:

Report

MooseyMoo · 30/09/2011 08:44

Only had immediate family at hospital which was great as I was in for 4 nights. Asked people to contact us so we could arrange visit when baby was awake. Got people to come round after 2 weeks as feeding and a vague routine was established by then.

Report

msbuggywinkle · 30/09/2011 09:50

We work it like this...Grandparents are welcome on the day baby is born provided that they don't stay too long, everyone else gets a text/email to let them know and then a follow up one a week later with when they are ok to visit.

I find too many visitors stressful and don't want to be surprised by people turning up when I haven't got dressed and its 5pm!

Report

redexpat · 01/10/2011 04:33

I don't want to sound like an ungrateful cow, but if you get everyone in DHs family together you have 75 people. It's too much for me to deal with at the best of times (tonight for example they were being VERY loud at a party so I went to another room and did sudoku - I can't make conversation in a second language when there is too much background noise and it was loud enough to be giving me a headache abd there were only 28) and I don't want them descending on my house for coffee and cake. I hate the smell of coffee, I'm not a huge fan of cake. Plus I've seen how many of them act around babies and it pisses me off even when I'm not 39+3. Shrieking baby's name, irritating baby talk at stupidly high levels, and disregard for baby sharing ettiquette ie you get your 5 minutes and then pass them on.

One cousin is already expecting me to call her when we're on the way to hospital because she works there in a different department and will come and hold my hand/visit baby. Um NO!

I think I would feel better if it were both sides of the famly but since I live abroad it's only DHs. I should also say I LOVE my PILs and one of my SILs and the other SIL I can tolerate. Will be very happy to see them after the birth.

Report

IssyStark · 01/10/2011 10:42

I would agree that lucamom and exoticfruits are both very lucky with their families and friends.

Our families both live at distance and when they come they expect to be waited on. Even my own mum has to be asked to make a cup of tea - she won't offer because it isn't her kitchen, let alone go to the shops to get anything we've run out of (after all that would mean getting a bus!). Her idea of helping out when she was here was to hold the baby (as long as nappy didn't need changed - she didn't know how our nappies worked) and buy a chinese take-away one evening for dinner (personally I would have prefered her to make a big pan of one of her lovely, comforting casseroles but she didn't ask).

Friends on the other hand were great. And I'll definitely be implementing 'The List' this time around as last time I could never remember what needed doing when there was an offer!

Report

marylou242 · 01/10/2011 14:24

What you need to do is spell out exactly how tired you are, i.e. "I had X hours sleep last night and I can't move because my stitches hurt", keep your pyjamas on and make it clear that 'spectator' visits are banned. This is what I call visits when people stay up until baby starts crying then make their exit, having done nothing to help.

Try to get people to bring a meal, a cake, take the baby out for a walk so you can get some rest, make their own cups of tea, do a bit of cleaning and generally be useful, not just sit on the settee and watch the baby.

We had lots of spectator visits last time and I'm afraid things are going to have to be different with DC2, due soon!

Report

exoticfruits · 01/10/2011 17:35

You do however wonder if some people let others do things in their kitchens. There have been threads where people get upset if MIL even gets gets their washing in off the line! People who are control freaks over visitors are likely to be control freaks over my kitchen.

Report

LilQueenie · 01/10/2011 21:43

erm yes I dont like people doing stuff in my kitchen...bu then when I was unable to do it my mum did and on recovery I could find nothing in teh place it was supposed to be! People have different ways of doing things. Its not always helpful. After DD was born I hated visitors at times. Why? Because they wanted to holdher when she was sleeping, spend all day with her...even now at 3 months. Also found it hard to cope and had constant phone calls to ask if 'everything was all right'. (before I found it hard and before anyone knew) Also the 'you should do this cause its what I did' speeches. Or the 'in our area the HV's would tell you A rather than B' Or blatantly going against your instructions when it comes to the baby. Its no wonder some of us are seen as control freaks.

Report

exoticfruits · 02/10/2011 08:09

I suspect that those who are laid back and just wave visitors in the direction of the kitchen and let them get on with it are quite OK with visitors. Those who don't want them making tea, sandwiches, hanging the washing out etc don't want visitors. It is however a bit unfair saying they need to be waited on-probably over the years they have picked up on the fact that they are not welcome to help.

Report

CitizenOscar · 02/10/2011 08:52

I was worried about this when pregnant but it all worked out ok. All visitors were sensitive (although some blokes a bit weird about me BF in front of them). I was in hospital for a week, so only v close family came. After a couple of days at home we were ready to start seeing people and just made sure to space visits out so we had time for ourselves & didn't tire ourselves out entertaining. But it was lovely to see people & introduce our baby

I have friends with less considerate visitors and they've found it really hard, so it's not to be sneezed at.

Report

Sargesaweyes · 02/10/2011 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kiki22 · 02/10/2011 19:25

I've decided as there is no possible way to please everyone i'm going to please myself. All my family and all DP's wanted to be the first in to see the baby in hospital but i want my niece who will be 5 at the time to be the first in, we are so close and since ive been pg she's been asking a lot if i'll forget she exsists once i have a baby of my own which breaks my heart so i've decided that on the first visit for the first 10 mins DP with bring her in so she gets used to baby without everyone fussing over him, then my mum gran and sister will be allowed in.

DP family have been a lot harder as they wanted Mil her partner and his daughter plus FIL his partner and her daughter plus DP brother (all kids 12) to come at the same time at the hospital had to put my foot down 7 people is just to much and unfair on others in the ward. MIL and FIL are being told no partners step children and if they don't want to come without there partners then they can wait til i get home.

Once i'm home whatever come as you please just don't expect feed or talked to as i will be catching some sleep in the bath while the grandparents aunties and uncles hold the baby :) My sister sent a group txt announcing nieces name weight and they were home adding come as u please just txt first bring your own biccys and you will be on babysitting duty everyone was happy with that and knew what to expect i will be following her example!

Report

dreamfeeder · 02/10/2011 19:31

errr, haven't read it all, but NO-ONE expected to pick up my sleeping baby, and no-one was allowed to!!! (if, by a miracle, she was asleep in her basket and not on someone...)

I hated the visitors- I had a third degree tear, was anaemic, and exhausted and getting the hang of bf. Mostly my visitors were excellent and stayed 3- min to an hour. Those that didn't were evicted by DH

Report

dreamfeeder · 02/10/2011 19:32

3 min- i meant 30!!

Report

Beesok · 02/10/2011 20:50

Having visitors and when to invite them is a personal preference and probably depends on the visitors themselves to some extent ;)

One thing my MW mentioned is that newborns don't really like to be "passed around" by lots of people all the time in the very first days and she did say that they may seem calm at the time but might "take it out" later and be more anxious/unsettled once guests left. I have no experience of this as it's my first pregnancy but I can sort of see how too much stimulation is not great for a tiny newborn when probably all they want is the familiar smell of mum :)

That will be my excuse for limiting visits in the first week at least :)

Report

anniroc · 03/10/2011 20:41

OMG I can't believe relatives think it's okay to pick up a baby when it's sleeping!

Word of warning from me: if you are planning to bf, you probably won't want many visitors coming round for very long in the first week. I basically spent the first week sitting on the sofa with my boobs out learning to bf. Be firm if necessary and get DH to be gatekeeper!