AIBU about preparing nursery?

[outthere]

My in-laws are going over to Australia about 3 weeks before my due date. They live in France but are flying out from the UK. They want to stay at ours for one or two nights before they catch their flight.

They asked if they could stay in the spare room. The spare room is going to be baby number three's bedroom (DS1 and 2 already share). At the moment it has a double bed in it. From around September time I want to start putting up nursery furniture and getting organised (I'm due end Nov).

In theory we could JUST ABOUT squeeze the nursery furniture around the double bed but there would be no cot and only a few centimeters access to drawers/ changing table etc, it really would be a very tight squeeze.

We're not planning on baby sleeping in there but I will definitely need the space for baby's clothes and access to the changing table. Like I said, it's POSSIBLE but very awkward and difficult.

Having suffered severe PND after my boys were born I want to do whatever I can to make my life easier because I'm determined not to get ill again.

I offered to make the in-laws as comfortable as possible on a blow up bed in the living room which they have declined. I've just spoken to FIL and he seemed very short with me and DH and generally seems pissed off about the whole thing and I now feel really guilty...

Am I being unreasonable or are they?

[Catsycat]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's not as if you didn't offer them somewhere to sleep, or refuse to see them at all.

My mum and dad rarely stay here - my Dad is allergic to my cats, so they stay in a holiday cottage down the road when they visit, though they know we'd be very happy to have them here. We now don't have a spare room, but my Mum has made it clear she would never expect our DCs to give up their room. She used to have to do this when she was little, and my grandparents had visitors, and she absolutely hated it herself!

Hope the in laws calm down by the time they visit!

[sugartongue]

One of us always gave up our room when grandparents came, and then bunked in with another sibling. Didn't seem odd or unreasonable - it was hospitality, you can't expect elderly people to sleep on a sofa bed, it's downright rude when there are other options. And as for grandparents sleeping in the parents bed - there's no way I'd want my parents in my marital bed!!

[babyonbord]

can you not fit the babies furniture in your bedroom ( thats what we have done as i dont want to have to go into the nursery everytime i need to change the baby in the night) at the moment my nursery is empty im planning to decoate it once the baby is here

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Goodness, I always gave up my room for visiting relatives, no way would I make them sleep on a sofa etc. My aunt and cousin used to share my room and it pissed me off no end that my aunt would let my cousin have the bed instead of her. I can't believe that people would object to giving up their room for a night or two.

[benne81]

Hi I'm quite surprised that everyone seems so negative and that they think your being unreasonable. I think if your 3 weeks before your due then it is to be expected that you will have a nursery rather than a spare room and at least you have offered them another option. I certainly don't think they should be off with you, but maybe I'm wrong as people obviously think differently.

My mum is coming down to London when I'm 34 weeks and is booking into a hotel as I plan to have the nursery sorted by then and will have sold the futon in the spare room - now I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable! oops!

[KateeTheBump]

YANBU - our nursery used to be my office/study, so whilst we haven't given up a bedroom (as such), the nursery is about ready and I'm 26 weeks. 3 weeks before due date I would expect the nursery to be finished. I'm not sure its about whether the baby will sleep in there or not - ours will be co-sleeping - but for me its about making space for the baby and acknowledging their arrival and place within the household rather than their 'need'. I appreciate its a luxury that I can do that (those with small houses/1 bedroom etc), but I bet if you could, you probably would so...

[MummyAbroad]

YANBU at all. You have experienced PND before and know what is going to help and what isnt and you already have two children so you know whats coming and are trying to prepare as best you can. You are prioritising your childrens and your own well being above that over your FIL and that is exactly as it should be.

It sounds like you already know the way you would like things to pan out, but are feeling guilty about upsetting other people if you do it that way. Dont!! If ever there is a time to be selfish and think of your needs its now. If you dont organise things the way you want you are likely to feel resentment later on, and that will be really difficult to handle with the post natal hormone crash.

If your MIL keeps on dropping hints, then that is obviously the way that things are handled in her family - why not take a leaf out of her book? Try and drop hints ALL THE TIME about how "the depression last time was awful..." "hope I dont get depressed again" "I want to do everything to be comfortable and avoid getting stressed and depressed" etc and dont forget "early birth this..." and "premature that..." perhaps she will get the message if it is drip fed enough?

Or.. how about you offer to let the FIL use the spare room if they agree to move the baby furniture back into it (and all the clothes and everything needed to "get it ready") the next day? Maybe they would like to feel included in the preparations and you get the room all ready without lifing a finger?

[lightsandshapes]

YANBU - they are! If they don't like the blow up bed idea then what's wrong with a hotel. They sound like users to me!

[ksaunders]

I think your in-laws are being unreasonable considering they should be well aware of what you went through before and you have offered to let them stay just not in the nursery. You are doing them the favour so they should be grateful whatever you can offer. If it was me I'd decorate and put in as much furniture as I could around the double bed, leaving them just enough room to get into bed lol!
As for kicking a kid out of their bedroom, that would be a definite no no as it's their personal space. Also, younger children often have difficulties sleeping outside of their normal environment.

[dycey]

Yanbu in my view. I understand the wish to feel as in control as poss before baby comes. I didn't have a nursery etc as was in one bed flat for our first and now am 2 weeks off second baby I am keen to have a space sorted for him / her... I think if it helps you feel more in control in a situation where one is totally out of control then yanbu...

Anything to have a calm approach to the birth.

It may be unreasonable in non pregnant terms but that's not the issue here since you are pregnant and expecting upheaval again. Anything to avoid pnd... Whatever it takes.

Difficult dealing with inlaws though! Mine always make me feel a bit out if control!

[DuelingFanjo]

As a compromise, could you dismantle the bed and put the blow up bed into the spare room then the second they leave start putting the nursery together? I didn't 'do' a nursery while pregnant but wish I had as it's harder once the baby is here.

[MrsBloomingTroll]

As many others have already said, YANBU in my opinion. I'm currently 36 weeks with DC2 and the fact that the nursery isn't "sorted" is driving me crazy (hurry up John Lewis - bring me my new furniture!). Late pregnancy and the early weeks with the new baby are when we (IME) return to our primitive/lizard brain and the need for basics like safety and territory are paramount.

In my case it's my own family who are likely to come and stay (if they can make up their minds one way or another, but that's another story!) but I've made it clear that they can no longer have the former spare room (now the baby's room) and that the box room, which just about fits a double, is all we can offer.

And no, I wouldn't turf a child older than a baby out of their room to make way for grandparents. If the grandparents are there to visit their grandchildren, they shouldn't mind about such things. However, some members of the older generations (my own Dad included) do tend to put their own needs first.

Good luck OP!

[Catsycat]

Re. my previous post, I think my Mum's issue with giving up her room as a child was that it was always her that had to do it because she was youngest. Her brother (4 years older) was allowed to stay in his own room, and my grandparents never gave up there room either. I think it was the perceived unfairness that riled. We recently offered her our bed when she stayed over (I was in hospital having a mc) - she refused and slept on the sofa (DH had put new bedlinen out and everything!!!).

[tryingtobeagooddadandhusband]

You're the one going through the pregnancy...everyone else is being unreasonable by even suggesting you should be reasonable! Especially given past experiences. Your husband is probably not pissed off with you as such,just fed up with the aggro of the situation. I would apologise for being 'awkward' and just stick to your guns. Motherhood requires bit of bloodymindedness!
And as for everyone posting here suggesting disastrous consequences in terms of a family rift...it's one night in a hotel for a couple who are clearly comfortable with travelling! No one is entitled to stay in anyone else's home,especially at a sensitive time. And who's going to tidy up, change bedsheets, arrange nursery at last minute, prepare in-lawish tea etc?
Why do women delight in expecting so much of each other?