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Pregnancy

Upset DH can't be bothered to come to 20 week scan

47 replies

Wottywot · 30/05/2011 10:45

I just assumed that he would be coming or taking me. He didn't come to my 12 week which is fair enough as he was working but he has been working from home for the past couple of months and suddenly decided this morning he would be going back into the office therefore won't be coming. I will have to go by myself with our 18 month DD on the bus - great!
I'm just upset really and wanted to rant. Why can't he be bothered?

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Wottywot · 31/05/2011 16:55

congrats on your ds1 lunatic. I hope he is doing well and healthy. Sounds like a complete nightmare what you experienced. Thanks for sharing. x

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LunaticFringe · 31/05/2011 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

otchayaniye · 31/05/2011 09:09

I should add, that although he hasn't been able to be in the room while I've had the scans (I can hear him outside with our daughter though) it hasn't made the pregnancy any less real for him.

And like I said, he must have been present for about 20 scans in my first pregnancy but that didn't feel as real as this one. Does that make sense?

But then he has made the effort to be present, for me, that's the main thing.

otchayaniye · 31/05/2011 09:07

FWIW, although my husband was longing for a child, pretty much before I was, and 'into it' he seemed to me more disconnected from the whole pregnancy thing during the process. He still used to go off taking track days on his sportsbike (in Malaysia without telling me, when we lived in Singapore), go out drinking with friends whenever. He hired a nanny for us and had read and agreed with the GF method. I think he thought his life would change but not that much.

Cue me giving birth a month early and all that went out of the window and he's the biggest attachment parenter I've come across and has basically taken a career break (still works two night shifts) while our children are small so he can stay home and look after them. And he loves it.

But you'd have never known that before we had children.

Wottywot · 31/05/2011 08:47

Thanks both, mam, if I knew he was really struggling to earn money for a house for us all, I think he would pardonned, because I would know he was doing something special for us. I know there are trade offs in parenting and I honestly don't ask much. If it were a one off, maybe that would be different too, but its not. The thing is it is really his choice atm whether he works from home or goes into the office, he works all weekend too, so a couple of hours off in the week is not a huge sacrifice.
Georgie I agree, I think it's difficult for a man to understand pregnancy and I would imagine it makes them feel more involved if we try and engage them in it more.

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georgie22 · 31/05/2011 08:38

He's definitely out of order IMO. I think the scans make it more real to the men as we have the constant awareness and reminders that we're pregnant but they miss all that. We had a private scan at 8 weeks (I felt that I needed to see something to believe I was pregnant!), then our nuchal scan at 12 weeks and anomoly scan at 20 weeks and dh wouldn't have missed them. He either took the day off or rearranged his day. I had a growth scan at 28 weeks due to my hypothyroidism and my mom came with me as dh knew she would love to come.

It sounds like you need to sit down and talk to him about how his behaviour makes you feel. He's not being fair, plus he's missing out on so much in his children's development.

mamaesi · 31/05/2011 08:29

if it makes you feel any better my husband has never come to any of my scans... first or second baby... work has always interfered.

although he has agreed to watch the toddler while I went for the second one.

My husband was very excited for the second baby, but also needs to work like a dog to save money to buy us a house... there are always trade offs in parenting.

Wottywot · 31/05/2011 08:21

Yes, I think I was too really. My sister had pre eclamsia too and had to have a c section in the end, but I hope yours settles down. Do you have treatment for it?

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otchayaniye · 31/05/2011 08:18

Yes, I was blase with first (ignorance is bliss and after first 12 weeks I thought I was home and dry) as I had weekly scans.

This time around they loom large! And I had preeclmapsia with first so they are monitoring growth with this one which makes me nervous.

Fingers crossed, you'll be fine though.

Wottywot · 31/05/2011 08:09

Thanks Otcha
It's tomorrow - :) I am very excited and also a bit nervous but I will be fine. If baby is ok I guess that's all that matters.

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otchayaniye · 31/05/2011 08:06

Oh, I'm sorry. With my first I had a scan each week (was in Asia and private care) apart from the second trimester and my husband came to most.

For this one he (he's a part time SAHD as I am a part time SAHM so we don't have childcare) comes to almost all my scans but can't come into the actual scan room as he has our 2-1/2 year old and she hates doctors! So he's there but not there, if you see what I mean.

My mother doesn't do childcare and I can't rustle it up out of thin air so we have to make do.

I've got a big one for growth coming up on Friday I'm a bit nervous about and yes, I'm a bit disappointed he can't be in the room (although I'll try again)

Very best of luck.

Wottywot · 31/05/2011 07:52

How did your DP react when you got the news?

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Wottywot · 31/05/2011 07:52

Lunatic, I'm so sorry. I have been reading the other thread about this too.
I can't imagine wht you ladies must go through and how you cope. I am also glad people are becoming more aware of the subject because it must be very hard to talk about it. I tested positive for ANA antibodies in one test and had a clot after my last pregnancy so it has been on my mind a bit more.
Do you have any other children?

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LunaticFringe · 30/05/2011 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wottywot · 30/05/2011 21:15

Well I asked this other lady to come now so it's his loss. I don't understand it because I am so excited. Oh well :( I just hope all is ok in there but like you said, you never know. If my parents knew he wasn't coming they would be really upset with him too as would the rest of my family.

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EllieUK · 30/05/2011 21:10

Oh hun..well u could always give the baby a name of your choice if he cant be bothered to get involved from the start..and if he complains well tough..it takes 2 to tango as they say..just because you have had one healthy child already doesnt necessarily mean this one wont have problems..im not saying you will im sure your baby will be very healthy..but thats the whole point of having the scans..and u need him to be supportive..

Lets go with my first idea..

Wottywot · 30/05/2011 20:51

lol Ellie, I'm not sure if I remember where his short and curlies are though now! :(

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EllieUK · 30/05/2011 20:50

U could drag him there by his short and curlies..or threaten to castrate him with a spoon..i find that violence against the manhood works very well lol..sometimes..

Wottywot · 30/05/2011 20:45

Thats lovely of you DH to want a private scan eglu, it shows how he wants to be involved and supportive.

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Wottywot · 30/05/2011 20:44

Sounds like DH , I take DD to church on my own too and to everything and I think it will be like that in the future. His work will always come first.
I used to read Enid Blyton and the famous five and he reminds me of Georinas dad (the scientist) who just sat in his office all day!

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oinkyoink · 30/05/2011 20:40

Yes, I have to say I did feel resentful and angry towards my dad growing up. I think now we are all older he understands what he missed out on but it has made our relationship a little strained and we are not very close. I think he saw his role as the provider and that was it, he had no interest in coming to church with us, going to any school plays or concerts we were in, coming to the park at weekends, nothing to be honest. It baffles me but there you go!

Eglu · 30/05/2011 19:06

I think that is awful that he won't go. DH couldn't make my NHS scan as he is self employed and couldn't get away at the time of it. He insisted we had a private one in the evening so he could go too. I was so pleased that he felt so strongly about it.

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Wottywot · 30/05/2011 19:03

Thankyou Oinky, I am glad you are now happily married with a great man, its so easy to subconsciously fall for something you have been used to before.
Did you ever feel resentful do you think towards your dad?

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oinkyoink · 30/05/2011 18:31

Poor you wotty I would be very annoyed if my DH didn't come to the 20 week scan. And on top of that you say he doesn't do very much with you as a family? That must be very hard for you, but as you say there is little you can do. I grew up with a dad who was the exact same and now I am married to a lovely man who is very involved with our children. It is only now that I have children that I feel so sorry for my own mum who did everything with us on her own. She was very strong, I don't know how she did it. Good luck for everything!

Wottywot · 30/05/2011 17:35

I know how you feel Icelolly. I guess he would have been quite hapy stopping at one even though he seems happy to be having another. I find it very difficult him not wanting to be involved etc so much to the point that I sometimes feel a little envious of other women whose partners are very hands on. I don't mind him not being that involved in changing nappies, feeding etc....but he just doesnt seem interested in ever doing anything with us as a family. I think he also sees it as my decision and my department to look after them. It will also inevitably have an effect on the DC's as they are growing up I think.
Paddy DH was good for a few weeks after the birth, I think he felt chuffed and proud to be a dad but I guess the novelty wore off! :(

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