pregnancy means I can't have important operation

[nello]

Hello, I really need some help with the situation that I am in. Four months ago I was physically asaulted resulting in significant damage to my eye. I was totaly innocent to this asault and had to recieve surgery to rebuild bones etc. This was not totally successful and I have been left with a change in appearance, which has left me quite depressed I think. I recently saw a surgeon who can operate upon me to restore a significant amount of my appearance and vision. I was due for the operation but the day before I found out I was pregnant and so I could not have it. I was so desperate to be repaired and to feel and look like myself again and so this was really traumatic. I have since found it impossible to feel happy about the pregnancy as I just wanted the operation so much. My partner was thrilled about the news as we had been trying for a baby prior to this. I am now 12 weeks and going through all the motions in a daze. Although he has been great our relationship has suffered with my response to this (I am 30 and it will be my first baby) as I have pulled away into my wn little world. I considered a termination but he really wants it and i don't think this is something I can decide to do. I can have the operation after the baby is born. But I just can't feel happy about it right now. I don't think I know my own feelings and i just keep thinking that having a baby can't ever be a bad decision surely, whereas if I chose to terminate it I could really regret it. I always thought I would be so happy when I got pregnant but I just feel lost and scared and can't take my focus away from the missed surgery and feeling scared waiting for the future surgery. I'd really appreciate anyone who can offer me support or advice. Thanks :)

[BabyValentine]

For what it's worth Nello, it sounds as if you are coping remarkably well under the circumstances. And all you responses and feelings towards the pregnancy and operation are perfectly natural - please don't think otherwise.

Perhaps telling a few people about the pregnancy would help - their excitement could be contagious IYSWIM.

Also, have you had your scan yet? Seeing your baby on the screen might help you to feel more connected.

Take care and don't be too hard on yourself

[gingerkirsty]

Crying is good and very healthy. Can you talk to someone in RL about how you feel? DP or a parent/sibling? The way you are feeling is completely natural and they won't think badly of you - and I think you will feel so much better for sharing the load a bit.

[japhrimel]

nello - don't worry about spending counselling crying! IME it's totally normal, especially at first.

I'd hang in there. I think after the scans, and then when you start feeling the baby moving, it'll feel a lot more real and positive.

[Flighttattendant]

Nello I can see exactly where you are coming from ref the baby getting mixed up with your frustration and so on...I felt similar, and it did affect how I felt through most of the pregnancy but then just at the end it all became OK. It is a hard time for you but you are doing all the right things.

I wish you every joy with the baby and your operation.

(Lougle - if you look in 'chat' there is a thread I started yesterday with your name in the title - no need to reply, just letting you know all is Ok!)

Sorry for hijack OP.

[Lougle]

nello, this is a hard time for you. Only you know what to do. I will say though, that this pregnancy will last another 6 months. A termination will live with you forever. Honestly, I have a 4 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old. The last 4 years have flown.

[nello]

Thank you so much for your replies :), it really does help to hear your views and to not feel so alone. I started having counselling last week, which I do think is useful, although at the moment it seems to be taken up with an hour of tears! I think I feel so cross that after wanting a baby, I manage to get pregnant but can't enjoy it because of the timing. But I do think that maybe when its a little more real maybe i'll start feeling more excited. I am having my first scan next week...

It is very true that it is the assault that i'm not ok with, and missing the operation, not actually the baby. But the two have become so horribly intertwined in my head. I haven't really told anyone yet, maybe when I do it might feel a bit better too. I am just desperately wishing the year away, and then maybe next summer everything will be better, with a little baby, and a repaired face! It seems so far away and i'm so scared that something could happen in the meantime to mean i can't have my operation (inventing a multitude of scenarios in my head!) Thanks so much :)

[gingerkirsty]

How are you feeling this morning Nello?

[Bumperlicious]

Don't really have any useful advice but just wanted to acknowledge your post. Sounds like a really difficult time for you. Pregnancy can be a tough time anyway, even without your history it can feel hard to longer be in control of your body. Counselling sounds like a good idea. Do try and talk to your GP. Make sure your husband understands how you are feeling and can try and support you.

[Flighttattendant]

I should add that I had a hideous pregnancy with ds2 in difficult circumstances, but when he was born he took all that away and I loved him from the start. It was an awful time but once he arrived, everything was worth it and I would never go back and change what I chose to do, ie keep him. And I really wasn't sure I wanted him at the time.

[Flighttattendant]

Oh you poor thing.

It sounds as though you haven't yet got past the horrible thing that happened to you, and it is this which is causing you to be miserable, not the pregnancy itself - if that makes sense?

You have some way to go in your emotional recovery, but it will still be there to deal with whether you are pregnant or you have terminated - and if you terminate, there will be the emotional fallout from that to go through on top of the assault.

I would see your GP and try to get some proper counselling as soon as possible. I really hope it helps. And you are right, a baby is always a lovely thing, and a termination is always a horrid thing. It is really hard for you that these things have all happened at once but you will get through it, you really will - remember it isn't the pregnancy making you feel this way, it's what happened to you a few months ago.

Often there is a delayed response to terrible events such as this. I expect your focus was on the physical reconstruction but that isn't the whole picture, and won't take away all the other feelings you will still need to go through about what took place.
In a way this has forced you to confront those without the 'prop' of the physical repair, which is not easy but you CAN do it and you will feel better over time.

Good luck x

[japhrimel]

It's normal when pregnant to feel emotional, unsure, scared and a bit freaked out by the physical changes that happen to us! Add in what you've been through and I'm not surprised you're struggling.

I think some women feel pressure because there is this idea that when we're pregnant with a wanted baby, we should be happy & content. Pregnancy can be bloody difficult though. That doesn't mean we shouldn't be having our babies - just that we're normal and not one of the few lucky women who sail through pregnancy.

Could you get some counselling to help you deal with all this? I've had it for various reasons in the past and found it very helpful.

TBH, I wouldn't recommend having a termination just to have the op as it's something that can be extremely hard to get over. If you are not 100% sure it's the right decision for you, including taking into account the effect it could have on your relationship, then don't do it. I'm pro-choice, but if you're not 100% sure you'll second guess yourself afterwards.

[excitedmummy2be]

I can't imagine how this feels for you... It must be awful. So I don't feel I can give you a really informed answer.... But I will try and give you my opinion. I really think you should go ahead with the pregnancy. It must be very disheartening to wait for your op but you can still have it later on. You can have it all in fact, the op, the baby you both wanted and a good relationship. If you did terminate to PG youre relationship may well suffer and there's no guarantee you would get PG again. We miscarried our first DC... which only took us 2 months to conceive.... I am now 32 weeks with our next which took a year. A heart breaking, difficult and traumatic year of many failed attempts. No reason it took so long second time round, just nature. Imagine this happened to you or worse still you couldn't have another. I know I make this sound simplistic and I'm only going on my experience of TTC but I would never take for granted being able to conceive. We would love another baby after this and I already hope that this will be possible. Good luck whatever your decision x

[gingerkirsty]

And congratulations on your pregnancy, your body is doing an amazing thing right now!

[gingerkirsty]

Nello that is awful, you poor thing. You have been through a traumatic experience, which has left you injured and, for want of a better word, disfigured. This has obviously had a dramatic effect on you and now you are pregnant, awash with hormones and as you say your body is not your own - it sounds like it's all a bit much for you. I really think you need to speak to someone about this - I would start with your GP if I were you. You need to get some help dealing with how you feel, don't let your attacker ruin this experience for you.

[nello]

I want to add that I was really looking forward to being in control of my body again after the asault and i receiving this operation would really help in this. Now being pregnant seems to have taken me in the opposite direction.