Postpartum Ocd about love for family

[eryn123]

Hi everyone
my baby is nearly 14 weeks old, a time that was meant to be full of love has been honestly hell. it all started 4 weeks postpartum when i had constant intrusive thoughts that i dont love my partner - which i know isn't true. i would wake up so anxious and not be able to eat, i've been on medication and it's helped with the physical side effects of anxiety but the thoughts are still there. the thoughts are now on my daughter, i never got that overwhelming feeling of love and now i can't stop questioning if i love her, when she does something cute my brain says 'do you even find her cute your lieing' i can't express how distressing this has been. i think it's relationship ocd attached to my family. i want this to go away. has anyone experienced similar and came out the other side? i've never struggled like this in my life. it's not the bond isn't there, it's my brain constantly questioning it. i have cbt lined up for november. will i ever get those feelings for my daughter? i'm usually quite a sensitive empathetic person and now i'm questioning if i ever even was or this is really who i am and i've just been lieing to myself

Intrusive thoughts are really common OP, particularly after a high stress event like birth.
There was a really recent thread about a new dad who had them with lots of great advice.

Yes, CBT should help.
Also the knowledge that these fears are the least likely to be actually true, they are just fears. Nothing more than the worst thing that your over simulated anxious brain can think of.

It is a combination of worry, hormones, lack of sleep and naturally being a sensitive person that have pushed you to this place.

It will pass.

@moresleepthanks thank you so much for your response. i’m praying this passes, i’m paranoid i have full blown ocd and i’ve read too much online and seeing there’s no cure makes me fearful this will last forever. the thoughts don’t leave my brain from the time i wake up to the time i go to sleep.

https://go.skimresources.com?id=470X1716091&xs=1&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.co.uk%2FOvercoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening%2Fdp%2F1626254346&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.mumsnet.com%2Ftalk%2Famiibeingunreasonable%2F4884369-dh-just-admitted-to-having-intrusive-thoughts-how-do-i-help%3Freply%3D128826133

Here is one of the resources on the previous thread.

DH just admitted to having intrusive thoughts, how do I help? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4884369-dh-just-admitted-to-having-intrusive-thoughts-how-do-i-help

Okay worked out how to link previous thread.

There is lots of good advice on here and mum's who experienced this but are not suffering anymore.

Oh @eryn123 I’m so sorry you’re having such distressing intrusive thoughts keeping you up at night. It certainly sounds like ocd.

My husband had severe ocd when I was pregnant and for a while when my daughter was very young (she’s 18 months now). He had intrusive thoughts that he wouldn’t love the baby and thoughts about how he wouldn’t be able to cope when she was older and would harm her. He wanted to leave both of us and live separately but give us all his money because he couldn’t be trusted nearby.

He received counselling from the NHS and started taking a low dose of sertraline. It has taken a long time and taking every day one step at a time but he is having far fewer instrusive thoughts. We are able to enjoy a happy life altogether.

One of the things he did was to join a help group. He joined this group: https://www.norwichandnorfolkocdsupport.org.uk/index.html
They go through a CBT workbook so you could start that before the counselling in November.

There’s also lots of groups with OCD Action including a specific perinatal support group: https://ocdaction.org.uk/online-support-groups/

If you have enough money, I would seriously consider getting a private therapist. There’s a page on OCD UK about how to find a good one. https://www.ocduk.org/overcoming-ocd/accessing-ocd-treatment/accessing-ocd-treatment-privately/finding-a-private-therapist/

Right now though I would remember that intrusive thoughts happen to everyone. Your thoughts will get better and talk to your family, your partner, see your GP. Thinking of you and know you will be able to come out the other side xx

@OOlivePenderghast thank you also for responding, i'm so glad to hear your husband is doing better and your able to enjoy family life. this has been really really tough. does he have a good connection to your daughter?

He has a fantastic connection to her and a really lovely bond. Right now, we’re both up in the middle or the night because she’s got a sickness bug.

All the feelings are so common but I think it’s much less talked about than other things and it doesn’t mean anything about you or your bond with the baby. It’s more about anxiety.

It gets better. Every new mum similar thoughts but it becomes OCD when you get so worried and anxious when they happen.

I just want to say OP that this is not rare. And that you aren’t alone. Many, many years ago I had intrusive thoughts similar to yours.

One repeated intrusive thought I had was that I actually feared I was capable of harming my baby. I didn’t want to do so, and I had no urge to do so. But this thought would come into my head and because I didn’t get that feeling of aversion to a distasteful or horrible thought as we normally do, I started to fear that I might be capable of doing so.

I was horrified by my lack of horror at this intrusive thought if you get my meaning. (It’s hard to explain thoughts and feelings.)

This was a long time ago. No one talked about these thoughts back then, but I had enough money to see a private psychiatrist and he told me I wasn’t going to hurt my children (by then it grown into a fear of harming all of my children) He explained that I was suffering post natal depression. It was barely heard of back then and never spoken of. It (All anyone mentioned back then was the postnatal ‘ 5th day blues’ - when your hormones bottom and you feel teary).

The psychiatrist helped me a lot. When I first went to see him I thought he would arrange to have my children taken from me, I was frightened of that. But he knew immediately what was happening to me and helped me a lot. It was so long ago there was no CBT for it. (I’m old lol). Time, reassurance, and making some changes in my life, were what saw me come out of it. But there is better help for it now.

Seek help. know other posters have been there and understand you.

Best wishes to you OP. One day you’ll find yourself laughing, and smiling, and feeling totally connected to your little child. You can bet on it

Hi OP

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. When my DS was born, I had very similar feelings during the first 6-8 weeks and it was honestly hellish. I used to question whether I loved him enough, whether we would ever have a good bond, whether I loved my DP - constantly - it was all consuming and that with the added pressure of it supposed to be the best time of my life was so hard to handle.

I just want to reassure that it can and will get better over time but that it's absolutely ok to ask for help. I did some telephone counselling which really helped me talk through specific issues, but also I joined a local mums group specifically targeted towards mental health with new mums - it was called Mindful Mums and it was honestly incredible. I'm based in SE London but there may be some equivalent support groups where you are so it's worth looking up. Also please don't feel that you have to hide how you're feeling - I was always open with friends and family about how anxious I was and it was amazing how many people said they felt the same and never voiced it. You truly aren't alone.

The fact that you are so worried about how you are feeling shows that you are an incredible mum that wants the best for her child - you might not feel that right now but once the cloud starts to lift you will realise it for yourself.

It's hard to do but please please be kind to yourself - you're doing so well and I promise you'll get through this xx

Hi OP

I was diagnosed with OCD about a year and a half go.l, with a lot it focused on my partner and whether the relationship was right and also some other themes.

I know it’s so terrifying now and I can really empathise with how you are feeling right now. It’s so scary.

I first started talk therapy with a counsellor and that was useful. In the last six months I started with NOCD, who focus on exposure therapy which has been a god send. My OCD has improved so much and I have learnt so many useful techniques. I am feeling much better in my self and life in general.

please reach out and try and get professional help. I was afraid because I thought they wouldn’t understand but honestly it’s been the best decision I have ever made. You are not alone.

@eryn123 I"m going through this just now...although my kids are 13,9 and 3 but getting intrusive thoughts I don't love them and i'm just pretending. Its unbearable. Or I'll have the thought I hate being a mum but can't make it go away or "prove" it to be untrue :( Anyone any tips I feel so awful x