I don't like my baby or being a mum

[2020firsttimemum]

I already know that this will probably make me sound like a horrible person / mum but sometimes you need to vent

I had a pretty crappy pregnancy with backache and rib pain, stupidly swollen feet / hands and constant fatigue. I was also pretty big considering I'm only 5'2 with a petite frame normally.

The birth was traumatic. I wanted a peaceful as natural as I could birth but was open to things not going completely my way. However things went really wrong for me and I ended up having medication for blood pressure, being constantly monitored, a cannula in and and an epidural (which I really didn't want even at the time) a catheter fitted which took 3 people 4 attempts to get in, a clip placed on babies head via me, samples taken from babies head via me, at least 15 internal examinations in about 12 hours, my waters broken which had meconium and ultimately an emergency c section which was my worst fear / nightmare

It's really affected me I think. My boy is now 4 weeks old and I cannot shake this feeling of him not being mine and really disliking him a lot of the time. I can't bare it when he cries and for some reason it just makes me feel so angry at him (I would never hurt him obviously) I feel no form of motherly instinct, and I would have no concern for him staying the night elsewhere or someone else having him for the day. Like I wouldn't worry about him and I feel like that's not normal.

I have horrendous stretch marks which look hideous and purple, I'm still recovering from the section and obviously can't drive, nothing fits as maternity stuff is too big and my normal clothes are too small and I feel like I'm resenting my baby for all of these things.

I do love him, but I don't feel an overwhelming amount of love if that makes sense.

Please tell me it gets better or can anyone else share their experiences.

My boyfriend and I spoke about this tonight and it's really upset him with how I feel understandably and I just don't know how to fix it 😭

[Breadandbutterandjam]

Yay! Fantastic! X

[LesLavandes]

Op. When I was a first time mother, before birth, I was so excited. However, like you I had a v traumatic birth and 28 days after had to have another operation.

I found bonding with my baby so difficult. But we go there in the end. It is so very exhausting and particularly if you are not completely well. I really feel for you

[Trixie18]

It will get better I promise but may be s slow process and take some time. I felt exactly as you do about my twins after a traumatic pregnancy and labour. It wasn't really PND but postnatal anxiety. It wasn't until their first birthday I really started feeling how I thought I should. Hang in there, it does get easier xx

[SummerHouse]

This time is supposed to be lovely but for most (?) people it just isn't. I felt like there was another me in a sound proof glass box banging on the glass and screaming "can nobody see I am not coping!!!!" Then another me which I presented to world who was just a "normal" mum, if a little tired and flat.

I can't go back to myself (and I never would have believed me) but I can say to you: one day you will be looking at your little boy and you will be in awe of how lucky you are, how big your love is, how beautiful he is. These early days will be a distant memory and he will love you more than anyone on earth regardless.

You are doing amazing. No one will ever know or understand how hard it's been for you. But you will. And you will be mighty proud of yourself.

[Lemonysherbet]

Hope you're ok op, just checking in xx

[2020firsttimemum]

Hi everyone,

I thought I'd just update this thread! I'm 4 months into being a mum and so much has changed since I started this thread. I hope that if there are any new mums that feel like I did, they read this and see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Since writing the thread, the medication has kicked in and helped so much. I think even without it I would now be much happier. I'm glad to be out of the newborn stage that's for sure! We have a routine, Hudson sleeps through the night and takes to his naps pretty well (he has like 4 a day cause he only naps for 40 mins at a time but that's a different challenge) I now feel so lucky that I get to spend every day with my little bestie. I love him so very much and watching him change every day is something I love. Don't get me wrong, I still get bad days but my patience has grown massively and I'm able to assess the situation better than I was before.

Thank you to everyone on here for all your kind words previously. I've read them 10000 times when I felt I needed them.

If you're a new mum going through this as well, please make sure you talk to someone, get some help and I assure you the days will get easier (within reason) there's a new challenge at each milestone but you learn how to adapt ❤️