I don't like my baby or being a mum

[2020firsttimemum]

I already know that this will probably make me sound like a horrible person / mum but sometimes you need to vent

I had a pretty crappy pregnancy with backache and rib pain, stupidly swollen feet / hands and constant fatigue. I was also pretty big considering I'm only 5'2 with a petite frame normally.

The birth was traumatic. I wanted a peaceful as natural as I could birth but was open to things not going completely my way. However things went really wrong for me and I ended up having medication for blood pressure, being constantly monitored, a cannula in and and an epidural (which I really didn't want even at the time) a catheter fitted which took 3 people 4 attempts to get in, a clip placed on babies head via me, samples taken from babies head via me, at least 15 internal examinations in about 12 hours, my waters broken which had meconium and ultimately an emergency c section which was my worst fear / nightmare

It's really affected me I think. My boy is now 4 weeks old and I cannot shake this feeling of him not being mine and really disliking him a lot of the time. I can't bare it when he cries and for some reason it just makes me feel so angry at him (I would never hurt him obviously) I feel no form of motherly instinct, and I would have no concern for him staying the night elsewhere or someone else having him for the day. Like I wouldn't worry about him and I feel like that's not normal.

I have horrendous stretch marks which look hideous and purple, I'm still recovering from the section and obviously can't drive, nothing fits as maternity stuff is too big and my normal clothes are too small and I feel like I'm resenting my baby for all of these things.

I do love him, but I don't feel an overwhelming amount of love if that makes sense.

Please tell me it gets better or can anyone else share their experiences.

My boyfriend and I spoke about this tonight and it's really upset him with how I feel understandably and I just don't know how to fix it 😭

[SlB09]

It absolutely will pass, well done for talking about it early x

[user32723]

Traumatic birth and PND are linked, because the cocktail of fight or flight mode/exhaustion/artificial hormones/drugs etc all interfere with the rush of oxytocin that those who talk about the 'love at first sight' experience. This helps attachments form in the early days. I had the same with my first, I didn't get that instant love, I was just going through the motions. I was very protective but although I couldn't bare to admit it, I didn't actually love my DC at first. I'd had stronger emotions towards friends and relatives babies. It was horrible, especially as I couldn't bare to tell anyone. I didn't feel depressed or anxious so I didn't relate it to PND.

It's great you've been to the GP. My suggestion in the meantime is do lots of skin to skin cuddles, bath with your baby, try a sling like a Close carrier, try baby massage. It will just be going through the motions at first but will all help to strengthen attachment.

To quote Louis Theroux about his documentary (on post partum psychosis rather than PND but relevant to all parents) "It’s the nature of parenthood to feel, some of the time, that you might be one of the worst parents who ever lived. It’s very rarely an uncomplicated rush of positive emotions.”

[Batshittery]

I understand why you feel sad, but you should also feel proud of yourself for acknowledging that you were struggling and getting help so quickly.
I hope you feel an improvement quickly.

[Ori82]

Hey OP well done for being brave & seeking help. So many many women feel they struggle after birth, I know I did. You sound like a great mum BTW. You are not alone, & I am here to tell you that it does get easier, you will find love for your baby.

[Lemonysherbet]

Hey @2020firsttimemum how are you getting on?

[2020firsttimemum]

@Lemonysherbet I'm doing okay thank you! Baby cries a lot (colic) but I'm just letting him sleep on me for now to get some peace 😂 my partner stayed up late with the baby last night and I went to bed super early to get a good nights sleep so I felt better today!

Each day gets a little easier. Thank you for checking up on me 🤍

[Lemonysherbet]

@2020firsttimemum glad you're feeling a bit better. It's tough for sure. I've got a 3 month old (where the hell did the time go!) And he's my first and I've found it really tough without colic thrown in on top. Also were mumming through a pandemic so you know, were doing ok ☺️

[Batshittery]

Nice to see the update. Thanks Lemony and OP.

[2020firsttimemum]

I feel like I'm back at square one.

I've just walked out.
My baby has screamed all morning the second I put him down. Even when I'm holding him he's fidgeting.

I just can't do it. I'm a terrible mother. When does this get better.

I wish I had my old life back before being 'mum and dad'
I just don't want this

[SummerHouse]

Is someone with your baby?

Can you call someone to come and be with you?

Read your posts back and see how positive you were. This is just a bad day. I have been there. Colic / reflux / angry at being born baby is now the light of my life. I absolutely promise yours will be too.

Deep breaths. Please just get through this difficult day.

[Breadandbutterandjam]

I went through the same thing. It’s so hard but it will get better!
My baby was so angry (or so it seemed to me - who was also angry). Didn’t want to be held and didn’t seem to be soothed & delighted by me as I had expected. I felt all the negative things you describe - my husband hated to hear me express those feelings as did my friends, I think. It’s taboo, isn’t it, feeling un-motherly.
Perhaps you could put yourself in to survival mode for a few months, as I did in the unhappy newborn phase. Focus on the treats in store for you when this first bit is over: new clothes, time away on your own, whatever.
It’s like being ill but you will recover.
There were days when I hated my baby. Even after a year I still didn’t feel the way I thought I should about the poor little thing. BUT eight years later it’s all water under the bridge - I’ve grown to adore and admire my bolshy, angry, tough, brave little offspring! I probably spoil her a bit to make up for the negative feelings I had at the start of her life but otherwise I know I’m a good enough mother now.
Babies are a nightmare to look after even without the traumatic start you had. But this phase will pass before you know it and you’ll look back at it like a bad dream.
Every day you are getting further away from the trauma of pregnancy and birth. Your baby is becoming more independent. You will get your life and your sanity back.
I hope you can forgive yourself for all the bad thoughts you are having. It doesn’t make you a bad person.
Your baby is fed and cared for and loves you and that’s all that matters to him.
Be gentle with yourself and just hunker down and wait for the storm to pass.
This time next year you’ll be a new woman!
Sending love - I’m sorry you’re going through this miserable time. It’s the hardest thing. Women have to be so so tough sometimes. You can do this! Just focus on the good things to come.

[Motherissues2020]

You're not a terrible mother. You're finding it hard at the moment and it is hard. It's a massive adjustment. You'll get there. Lots of people feel like this, and don't talk about it. You've been really brave to open up to your partner and GP and ask for help.

Parenting is relentless and you need to find a way to be kind to yourself. Make sure he's safe with someone else and take some time to yourself. Then come back with a plan of action. Plan in your breaks and things to look forward to. Remember it's ok to leave him safe in his cot and go and have a cup of tea/go to the toilet/have a little cry or scream. You will get through this.

[Fast90]

You really need to consider calling your health visitor. I think you’re in desperate need of more support (outside of your family circle). Would you consider doing that OP?

[xtinak]

OP that sucks and I can totally relate. I had a rough pregnancy, bad birth, velcro baby, a bunch of health issues and went through months of counselling, psychologist etc. Really really hated it at the start and was filled with deep regret all the time!

It has gotten much much better but looking back I'm not surprised at how I felt at all - it would be stranger if I found it easy. Overall I had a tough time in comparison to many others and you clearly have as well, so no wonder you aren't having fun! It isn't fun!!

Solution? I got all the help I could with looking after DD in the first months and I put her nursery in nursery full time when she was 6 months old and went back to work. Therefore got some semblance of my old life back. They get more and more independent and it gets much easier over time. It is fun now.

It's not you, it's just genuinely really hard sometimes and it takes a village. You are being pushed to the limit.

[blackcat86]

You're not a terrible mother but you do need to give it time and get stuck in so you can bond with your baby. I know its really hard when so many classes aren't running but finding quiet time together is great, as is baby massage, swimming etc (depending what is open in your area). Its great that you've seen the GP and I echoe others saying to speak to your HV today for urgent help. Baby shouldn't be going off for the day to MIL as this will simply reinforce the idea that you cannot cope when you can be a fantastic mother. I had a horribly traumatic birth and nearly lost my baby- i actually had to move into special care with her post c section. Dh was shit, PIL were psycho and I was left to deal with it all until I simply couldn't. I had PND and PNA which was helped by meds, counselling and a support group. My HV was great to and I a volunteer to come and listen to me just talk without judgement. Remember that the feeling of not being able to bond or being good enough is the PND talking.

[CaMePlaitPas]

Hi OP, I didn't want to read and run. Your birth experience sounds exactly the same as my second birth. It was dreadful and I remember feeling angry and plain devastated at how it went. I also winced everytime my baby cried or needed food, and I'll be honest, it lasted about a year. I didn't get any mental health support, and I ask myself why. You are not failing, this is a huge moment in your life which didn't live up to your hopes and expectations. Take a deep breath and start asking those around you for help.

It is so normal, you are not alone. And how your feeling now doesn't define how successful a Mum you'll be.

[Anurulz]

Virtual hugs OP. You are definitely not a bad mother. Babies can be, let's say difficult, that's an understatement. They can make you want to tear your hair out and curl up into a ball and cry at the same time. You have had a very tough time and it's been only a few weeks. Take the medication regularly, it takes a while to set in. Dont be disheartened that it didnt make a difference immediately. And reach out for whatever help you can get. Call your HV when you need to. And maybe get the contact of support groups. They may be there to help you cope during times like these.

[2020firsttimemum]

He wasn't left on his own don't worry I'm not that mad 😂 he was with his dad

I feel like I'm being ridiculous. He's a great night time sleeper. The last 2 nights he's gone 8:30pm until 4am. Bottle and straight back done until about 7. But during the day he is a nightmare.

He won't nap, you can't leave him on his own or he cries. He's settled for about 10 mins on his play mat before he starts bawling. He's either got to be rocked in his chair or on me. He refuses his dummy during the day and seems to need feeding more during the day than he does at night (more regularly) I can't get anything done and he's just a pain unless I'm giving him full attention

I'm sure when he's older I'll miss him needing me so much but right now I feel like he's smothering me 😭

[Kittykat93]

But op your baby's behaviour is totally normal for a baby so young. It's nothing you or the baby are doing wrong, it's just how a lot of them are at this stage. They don't want to be put down, ever! But it will get easier. If you're really not coping at all you need to seek support, either with your partner cutting back on work hours to help you, or relatives helping or maybe even a nanny if you could afford that. Becoming a mum was and still is the fucking most relentless, toughest job I've ever done in my life. But my boy is nearly 3 years now and I can honestly say although I'm still knackered, I'm so much happier than I was when he was a baby, I felt like you. Nothing prepares you for how much your life changes and its not surprising new mothers feel this way, just try and get some support and let people help you.

[Anyat212]

You aren't being ridiculous! Honestly it's so natural to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes the best thing you can do is what you've done - is to take time out! Baby will be fine with Dad and you need a break. I've done it before, when DD was being difficult or having a whinge I popped her in her cot and stood outside for a few minutes. She was safe, I had the monitor (muted!) But it was on and I gathered my thoughts and went back to her. Sometimes it's needed.

Do you have anyone close to you who could watch your baby for a couple of hours? It really sounds like you could do with "you" time. It is a phase your baby is going through, my DD is 17 months now and is a happy, funny, full of beans little girl! She has a few tantrums here and there but soo much easier to deal with.

As others say too, I would really consider reaching out to your HV. I know MN doesn't have a good opinion on them but both of mine I've found to be great. Please be kind yourself, you are doing great!

[Motherissues2020]

You're not being ridiculous. It's really tough. I have a baby who is 3 months and a 3 year old and some days I just want not to be touched or needed so much. It just gets too much.

I've had anxiety and depression and the things that have helped me are:

Asking for practical help from my DH. He has to do his share of bed times, nappy changes etc when he's not at work. He also comes and takes the baby for a bit 10 minutes after he gets home, or straight away if I've had a difficult day. I need a bit of time everyday to do something non baby/child related even if i end up cooking dinner or doing something around the house.

Having a plan for the day - making a small plan, just 1 load of laundry to do, or a walk round the park, or having a coffee out somewhere. Knowing I've done that one small thing gives me a feeling of accomplishment/achievement.

Knowing that other people are feeling the same as me. I've got a what's app group from NCT and I know I can have a moan on there and someone else will have had a similar thought or problem and I'm not alone. Do you have some friends/acquaintances who have kids and seem understanding?

You're right about missing it someday. With the 3 year old I do sort of miss the sleepy cuddles, but then when she chooses to cuddle me it feels extra nice. And I can send her happily off to nursery, which is sometimes even better!

It seems never-ending when you're in the middle of it, but it does get better slowly. It's a cliche but everything is a phase, what's a problem now won't last forever and then you'll be onto the next thing.

Also, people are different. Some people love the tiny baby stage, other people are better with toddlers or teenagers. It's okay not to like it all.

You've probably already tried it, but getting out for a walk with the pram or sling can really help with getting the little one to nap and gets you out of the house too. Maybe try and do it before he gets upset, as if he's getting over tired it can make it harder to get him to sleep.

Hope you're feeling a bit better. Virtual hugs OP. It's a difficult time and sounds like you've had a particularly raw deal with a difficult birth and a lack of support due to covid.

[SummerHouse]

I had a similar baby. Best thing I could do was pack all we needed and go on a really long walk. Sounds pretty boring but it literally was the highlight of the day. He was always happy (well at least not angry) when he was moving. God it's hard though.

[Breadandbutterandjam]

Hope you ha e a better day today - thinking of you OP!

[neverenoughchelseaboots]

It's such a difficult time and you've had such a rough ride.

I remember someone telling me weeks 3-6 are the worse and it's so true.

I went to a swimming lesson with DD at about 6 weeks and cried on the way home with relief because it's the first time I'd enjoyed it.

Be kind to yourself, take every day as it comes and it will get better.

[2020firsttimemum]

Thank you everyone again for your messages.

Mumsnet can be a really horrible place sometimes but you have all made me feel like it's okay not to be okay and to have a bad day

Today is much better, he slept 8:30pm until 6:30am for the first tine (yasssss!) and he's been an angel all day. Oh swings and roundabouts. 💙