Finally admitting to myself that I don't believe

[Doglovesbooksx]

I grew up in a religious family, with a preacher as a father, so basically spent most Sundays of my life listening to my dad tell me what I should believe. I did believe it, though I was never a very "good" Christian, although I would do my best to read the Bible, pray and read lots of religious books to help me be better at the whole thing. While my siblings left church as soon as they could, I stayed. I blamed many things for my failure to be a better Christian, one of which was never having any Christian friends (it was a small, ageing church). I finally moved to another church in the hope that it would help me, but it actually did the opposite - seeing all these people at my age and stage of life with genuine faith slowly confirmed to me what I had feared for a while, that I never really believed at all. I was a fake. I know I have issues around disappointing my parents and now wonder if I was just so desperate to please them that I forced myself to "believe". I stopped going to church months ago, originally on a temporary basis for a specific reason, but just never went back, mainly because I don't know if I can face being there knowing that I'm such a fraud. What I feel worst about is that I have young children who will grow up with no knowledge of God unless I take them to church. Should I take them to church? Attend church not knowing if I actually believe any of it any more? What if it's true and I'm preventing them from hearing about it? The whole thing is weighing really heavily on my mind, and I have depressive tendencies, which doesn't help. I feel so guilty and confused.

[Lesina]

It’s not true, religion is a concept defined by man to control other people. Just teach your children to be nice to people, don’t fuck anyone over, be kind to animals. If you feel you want ceremony find a Buddhist temple. They are great places. The Christian god is a lovely thought… but doesn’t exist :)

[Supersoakers]

I’m an ex Christian and it took a while to get over the guilt from years of religious teaching. I’m completely over it now and very free to believe whatever I like. Give yourself some credit for trusting your own judgement. You’ve walked free, why would you want to walk your kids back into an archaic law system? Mine were not brought up religious (the first 2 were baptised before I left the church). They’re lovely people with great morals, no piousness, no hang ups about sex and no guilt. It’s great.

[MumChp]

If you want to take your children to church do. If you don't want to don't. Either way is fine.

[siameselife]

As an ex-Christian I don't feel any guilt but I feel some sadness.
Both for my dc and me. I loved being part of a religious community growing up and my dc haven't had this.
I don't have that community either which is sad.

[CurlsnSunshinetime4tea]

nothing wrong with not believing the whole entirety of religion but still finding some aspects beneficial. the homily often focuses on how to treat others kindly and to be mindful of excess in life.
having a sense of community and a good social support system is also healthy.
stepping back is fine of course but so is being lukewarm.

[Sorciere1]

@Lesina

It’s not true, religion is a concept defined by man to control other people. Just teach your children to be nice to people, don’t fuck anyone over, be kind to animals. If you feel you want ceremony find a Buddhist temple. They are great places. The Christian god is a lovely thought… but doesn’t exist :)

Second this about going to a Buddhist temple; it would be nice, as it gives your children community+ values. I'm Buddhist and this anchors me as well as an adult.
You also would benefit from learning meditation as it helps to cut off unproductive thoughts.

[Supersoakers]

Why the need to join any religious group? Buddhism has its own dogma and issues too. Funnily enough it was the only religious place that wanted to charge us as a school group learning about different religions.

[DeepBiscuit]

Why would you take your children to church to be taught something you don't believe is true?

Enjoy your new found freedom OP.

[Thegreatestoftheseislove]

In the kindest way, I think you are putting too much emphasis on what others think and their opinion. Our journey and relationship with the Lord is entirely personal, but whilst we're focussing on 'man' we're taking our eyes off Him. I agree with @MumChp , if you feel moved to take your children to church then do so, but don't take them if you would rather not.

[pointythings]

I think you should seek help for your depression because you deserve happiness. Be honest with your children about what you do and do not believe - they will find their own path to their own beliefs, whatever they may be. Take in the small everyday wonders the world presents us with every day and take pleasure in them. You don't need a religious faith to be a good person or to be happy. You'll find your place eventually.

[ArtyWren]

There is so much more out than the man made concepts of god and religion. You are already coming to that realisation yourself. You are free to be who you want to be and no longer need to be told, (as indoctrinated from birth) what you are expected to be, without the threat of eternal damnation if you don’t believe. You can pass on this worldly perspective to your own children. They can still learn about religion, after all it’s part of all of our history, but it can be done so objectively and free of any spiritual obligation. You don’t need religion to teach your kids to be good, decent human beings, you will pass that on to them without the need for self proclaimed religious men and books commanding you to do so “or else”. if you still crave that community maybe look into humanism?

[Thegreatestoftheseislove]

@pointythings

I think you should seek help for your depression because you deserve happiness. Be honest with your children about what you do and do not believe - they will find their own path to their own beliefs, whatever they may be. Take in the small everyday wonders the world presents us with every day and take pleasure in them. You don't need a religious faith to be a good person or to be happy. You'll find your place eventually.

This too. 🙂

[Catinabeanbag]

I walked away from church in 2008, after having a moment where, reading the creed, I thought 'I don't beleive this any more'.
I was brought up in a church environment, stuck with it all through my 20s and into my early 30's.
I didn't return until 2019. I wasn't struck by lightning in the meantime. As soon as I made the decision not to go to church, all the guilt of 'I ought to be going to church' etc, stopped. Not going was actually quite freeing.
I basically dismantled the faith I'd been brought up with and looked at it and ask myself 'do I still want this / does this hold any value / truth for me?'
As it happened, ultimately yes I did, and yes it does, but that's my 'journey' and I came back to faith and church. Others may well have a different experience and outcome. I think whatever decision people come to, it has to be theirs, especially if it involves coming back to faith. It has to be your faith / belief, not that which was handed down to you from your parents or a church. Everyone needs to work out their own stuff - whatever that might be.

[skylions]

Matthew 24 vs 10 to 14

[Soozikinzii]

If you want your child to benefit with the community aspect Unitatian Universalism might be for you? They believe everyone is on their own spiritual journey so you may be an atheist , Buddhist , Christian or whatever. They're very welcoming and have famous historical members such as Charles Dickens Beatrix Potter and 4 American presidents I believe !

[SiriAlexa]

I’m a former Christian too and also had very committed parents. I can relate to the feelings of guilt you are experiencing. It takes so much courage to acknowledge that you don’t believe and you should give yourself credit for that. It also takes a lot of integrity not to fake belief. I suspect many people intentionally do not question their beliefs because they enjoy the community.

I am really glad that I walked away from Christianity and I have no guilt about that now. I am free from the many ways it weighed me down through expectations that were imposes on me. You describe yourself as not a ‘good Christian’ so it sounds like the expectations of what is ‘good’ are causing you problems and making you unhappy.

I hope you are able to find a way to live that is true to yourself and find the freedom that comes with acknowledging your doubts / beliefs and living authentically in that.

I keep my children as far from religion as I can as I don’t want them to be controlled the way that I was or to experience the guilt and shame that religion imposed on me.

[EducatingArti]

There is a book by a Canadian author, Sarah Bessey, which I think you might find helpful.

It is called "Out of Sorts"

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Out-Sorts-Making-Peace-Evolving/dp/0232532397/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=BIJUCYGT7WRL&amp%3Bdib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.OhUrroIu7t5x3Y6IRTw_E7LgoOicITVauVkUxR-HJJw.p5skQnLaI3nj1ce1X8i6n2LrrlgVBhnaMbPPchHuyWs&amp%3Bdib_tag=se&amp%3Bkeywords=out%20of%20sorts%20sarah%20bessey&amp%3Bqid=1714313729&amp%3Bsprefix=out%20of%20so%2Caps%2C155&amp%3Bsr=8-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Doglovesbooksx]

@EducatingArti

There is a book by a Canadian author, Sarah Bessey, which I think you might find helpful.

It is called "Out of Sorts"

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Out-Sorts-Making-Peace-Evolving/dp/0232532397/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=BIJUCYGT7WRL&amp%3Bdib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.OhUrroIu7t5x3Y6IRTw_E7LgoOicITVauVkUxR-HJJw.p5skQnLaI3nj1ce1X8i6n2LrrlgVBhnaMbPPchHuyWs&amp%3Bdib_tag=se&amp%3Bkeywords=out%20of%20sorts%20sarah%20bessey&amp%3Bqid=1714313729&amp%3Bsprefix=out%20of%20so%2Caps%2C155&amp%3Bsr=8-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Thank you. Can I ask why you have recommended it?

[EducatingArti]

It has made a profound impact on me. She tells her own story of an evolving faith but is also so encouraging of treading your own path and working your own way through shifting and changing faith.