Can Christian couples disagree on evolution/age of the Earth?

[Ahsoka2001]

My girlfriend and I are both Christian and have a very happy, healthy relationship. While I feel science strengthens my faith - and evolution or the Earth being 14 billion years old is in no way incompatible with the existence of God - she's a devout Baptist who takes Genesis rather literally. She believes God created Adam and Eve directly and the Earth was made in 6 days around 6000 years ago.

Even though it'd still be a few years away from happening, we've spoken in hypothetical terms about marriage and children since those are both life goals we share. She's said on several occasions that I'd make a great father/marriage partner and as Christians, we're both "dating to marry".

The other week though, I asked her what her criteria was for a life partner - "Did you just want someone who's saved?" She then said she also wants someone who shares the same ideas around, "How the world was made and evolution". This led to a very tearful discussion where I said I didn't want to lose her in the future. She got upset too and said she doesn't want to lose me and hopes we can find a way around it. She said "I'm sure we'll work something out" and was asking if I really think there's no way around it.

I asked her if there's anything else she wants in a life partner that I don't have and she said no - my theistic evolution is the ONLY thing that's a concern. She said it's fine if it's just us but she thinks teaching kids both evolution and creationism could be too confusing for them - maybe she's right ://

Does anyone have experience of differing values like this in Christian relationships? The thing that's giving me hope here is that she's equally as upset at the thought of this not working and really wants to find a way we can compromise.

[PermanentTemporary]

Have you looked into a marriage preparation course?

I think there are big hurdles ahead. I would be worried that she would simply be unable to present both your beliefs fairly to your children. I don't think they would be confused in a damaging way, but they might not believe the same things as her, and that sounds as if it is a big barrier for her. That worries me - there is no guarantee they would remain Christians after all.

[IwishIcouldfinishabook]

My husband is an atheist. I am Catholic. We both believe in science though. I would not marry a new earther or have children with one.

[Talipesmum]

School and all of society are going to be teaching your child that evolution and a very ancient earth are how we all got here. So if she’s planning on teaching any children about creationism it’s always going to be up against a huge amount of other teaching. It’ll be clear from the start that there’s disagreement and discussion here. So does it really matter if that’s in the home too?

Wishing you both all the best - as an atheist it would be easy to look disparagingly at this argument but I’ve had more than my fair share of very dear to me religious people involved in my life and I know this sort of thing matters greatly to people.

[AnnaMagnani]

I think there is compromise on this if both of you want it.

All of us have a list of things we'd like in our life partners but it's very few of us that get 100% of the list, every one compromises. Realistically the number of Christian men believing in a 7 day creation must be very small - and based on my own experience at Uni, they were all paired off almost immediately.

I think if you talk things through about how you see marriage and bringing up children you will find someway to be together. It is worth bearing in mind that there are many many influences on children other than their parents and if you aren't homeschooling then your children will come in contact with mainstream education, and other children, who will not hesitate to say what they think of creationism.

No-one has a guarantee their children will have the same faith as them, or even if they do that they practice it in the same way.

[DullGret]

Are you really considering marrying and having children with someone this dopey and/or indoctrinated?

[Ahsoka2001]

@PermanentTemporary

Have you looked into a marriage preparation course?

I think there are big hurdles ahead. I would be worried that she would simply be unable to present both your beliefs fairly to your children. I don't think they would be confused in a damaging way, but they might not believe the same things as her, and that sounds as if it is a big barrier for her. That worries me - there is no guarantee they would remain Christians after all.

Not yet but I'm definitely down for a course when it gets nearer to the time.

We've discussed what would happen if our kids didn't stay Christian. She said that if they turned atheist then, "Unfortunately that is their choice and there's not much you can do." She thinks as long as you give them a Christian upbringing you've done all you can essentially which I think is fair aswell.

[Ahsoka2001]

@DullGret

Are you really considering marrying and having children with someone this dopey and/or indoctrinated?

Please don't be rude about her. I don't agree with creationism at all but it's actually not as uncommon as you'd think in other countries. 40% of Americans believe it apparently (her family's from Brazil).

[Ahsoka2001]

@Talipesmum

School and all of society are going to be teaching your child that evolution and a very ancient earth are how we all got here. So if she’s planning on teaching any children about creationism it’s always going to be up against a huge amount of other teaching. It’ll be clear from the start that there’s disagreement and discussion here. So does it really matter if that’s in the home too?

Wishing you both all the best - as an atheist it would be easy to look disparagingly at this argument but I’ve had more than my fair share of very dear to me religious people involved in my life and I know this sort of thing matters greatly to people.

Great point re evolution being taught at school. She herself partook in lessons about it in school so I think she'd be OK with potential kids doing the same.

[DullGret]

@Ahsoka2001

Please don't be rude about her. I don't agree with creationism at all but it's actually not as uncommon as you'd think in other countries. 40% of Americans believe it apparently (her family's from Brazil).

Edited

I know it’s not uncommon. People voting for Donal Trump is not uncommon. People thinking the earth is flat are not uncommon.

[RunningAndSinging]

I don’t think this is a ‘value’ that you disagree on so I would hope it would be ok. You both believe in Christian values and you love each other. It would be sad to throw that away because of a disagreement about how something that happened.

[Ahsoka2001]

@RunningAndSinging

I don’t think this is a ‘value’ that you disagree on so I would hope it would be ok. You both believe in Christian values and you love each other. It would be sad to throw that away because of a disagreement about how something that happened.

That's what I've been thinking. We're both united under the core Christian principles (belief in God and Jesus being our savior which are the most important things of all for a Christian) so surely a matter like HOW God made the world shouldn't go as far as to end this?

[ChaosAndCrumbs]

If there’s a leader at your church who tends to lead discussion groups, they may be able to give some advice. There are usually groups prior to marriage that teach you about how to discuss issues that come up.

Children are likely to be taught all sorts of creation teachings at school and will be taught evolution, which is based in scientific theory. (Some baptists at my CofE school disagreed with it, but still had to learn it.) Children have to be taught a range of ideas so they can work out what they align with. You can guide them as parents, but they have minds and lives of their own. It would be beneficial, in my mind, to have parents with slightly different view points who can give their own opinions and reasons.

I think your girlfriend needs to take a step back. Not every view is something you’ll align on. Even in very strict religious circles, they’ll be some differences in belief and opinion between couples. You won’t agree on every aspect of childcare in the future. You may not agree on the same school or education plan. You may not agree on whether to seek a second opinion during a hospital visit for your child. You might not agree on names or even something simple like how to wean them. You have to learn ways to decide either to choose one if the situation dictates, or in this scenario, to both accept the other has a different view and that you can agree to rub along as it shouldn’t specifically affect anything. No one will be cast out for a slightly differing view of something that can be interpreted in varied ways by differing strands of Christianity. If you are not Baptist, or conform less strictly to literal views, that’s simply another accepted type of Christianity, so unless she can accept that she needs to look only in strict Baptist circles. However, I’d hope she’ll realise (maybe with a bit of guidance from an appropriate church person) that these things can be worked through.

I’m not Christian, but grew up with a parent who was a vicar. I do have children and a husband who originally had very different religious thoughts to me.

[heyhohello]

The compromise is accepting mystery.

In this life we get glimpses of God but we don't have complete knowledge.

"12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." (1 Corinthians 13:12-13)

And as the above scripture says the most important thing is charity or in other words love. 🙂

[heyhohello]

Because to put any particular person's or group of people's understanding of God above God Himself, who is love..that's what is wrong.

"7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love." (1 John 4:7-8)

[Sawitch]

My husband and I, while both Christian, came from very different faith backgrounds. His family belonged to a very fundamentalist branch of the Church and creationism was just one of many things we didn’t always agree on. When the children came along we always discussed issues with them as they cropped up and explained that there are different opinions, both Christian, other faith and no faith. It would be a shame to end your relationship over this as it seems that you would make a great couple.

[MrsBennetsPoorNerves]

The question is really whether you want your children to be brought up by a religious fundamentalist. I think that would be a deal breaker for most people, including most Christians.

Would she be happy for any children to attend mainstream school, or would she want to home educate? In my experience, most creationists tend to want to home educate, so that would be a conversation worth having... from what I have observed, they are very rarely open to encouraging critical thinking and careful scrutiny of their beliefs.

Ultimately, this isn't just about whether she can accept your beliefs. You really need to think about whether you can accept hers, and whether you will be happy if she decides further down the line that she needs to brainwash your future children in order to keep them on what she perceives to be the right track. Is she open-minded enough to expose them freely to all manner of beliefs and to let them choose their own path?

[TheFancyPoet]

Surely we cannot tell our partners what to believe....I mean, we can suggest but it is up to each individual to think and decide

[TheFancyPoet]

When we met with husband , he was lapsed catholic/atheist, me just mash up of ideas. We married and I got baptised in a non denominational ( thought coming from another traditional church ) and I go to all denominations or none plus listen to online sermons and look at all possible points of view. When I look at the universe, it is very obvious the Bible says nowhere the whole earth is just 6000 years old

[Wholettherabbitsout]

This would bother me a lot because you can’t have a sane discussion about volcanos or plate tectonics or dinosaurs or sabre tooth tigers or human migration or genetics or even how the covid virus has evolved and changed since 2019 with some who believes in a 7 day creation 6000 years ago.

[Bluepetergarden]

Your girlfriend is completely wrong and creationism is utter nonsense. Does she have other fundamental beliefs - what about homosexuality ?

[SwedishEdith]

This can't be real? How can you be in a serious relationship with someone who really believes this? At what stage did she tell you this and how come you didn't then think this is a fundamental incompatibility?

[GrumpyPanda]

I'd assume this is merely the tip of the iceberg so would be extremely wary. But then my type of Christianity isn't at odds with rationality and critical thinking. I'd feel the same about antivaxxers and other extremists.

If you want to stick with it, maybe sign both of you up for a really good, academic-level course in Biblical hermeneutics.

[Sussurations]

I think @RunningAndSinging is right in that it’s not a question of values per se. in a sense it doesn’t matter whether all your beliefs match. I would say that one’s understanding of creation is, in itself, pretty insignificant in the big scheme of things, although I’m afraid I do think believing literally in ancient texts that were never intended to be taken literally, and flying in the face of all that we do know, is pretty stupid.

However, I think when it comes to (theoretical) children and their education it is sensible to be cautious. From what you have said, she doesn’t sound especially closed minded, but creationism is still a pretty fundamentalist belief. So I think more exploration and more learning together would be advisable.

also, the fact that you intend to marry doesn’t mean you have to if it becomes apparent that you’re not compatible.

[IncompleteSenten]

Will she expect you to pretend you believe this to any children you may have or will she commit to teaching both as beliefs? I believe x and mum believes y.
If she's willing to talk about both as your respective personal beliefs then imo that's fine but if she wants to teach creationism as fact then I suspect you'll have problems.

[blacksax]

Speaking as a Christian and with the greatest of respect for those whose faith decrees such things as a literal Creation 6000-ish years ago...

I simply could not spend the rest of my life with someone who blindly followed religious teachings, and who completely disregarded all the irrefutable scientific evidence to the contrary.