I'm upset my child wasn't returned birthday party invites

[Rightgirlwrongplanet1]

I saw FB photos of a daughter's birthday party and we were not invited even though we invited her classmate to our daughter’s party a month ago and she attended. I am obviously hurt.

I’m confused. Why wasn’t my daughter invited?

It's the second time in days this has happened. We invited another classmate to her birthday party (the mother didn't even rsvp despite getting the invite!) and then we were not invited back 4 weeks later.

In the above example, first mum had invited us to 3 previous whole-of-class parties, and the second mum to 2. We attended all of them, RSVPing as we went. Perhaps they thought enough of inviting children who don’t invite us back? But we didn’t have any parties to invite people back to and they would have known that via FB!

The 2 mums in the above example are similar (older) age to me and seem quite sensible so I expect them to be on a relative same wavelength.

Since we were indebted to them, we invited them back this year when things are a bit more sensible and you invite your friends rather than the whole class. One came, one didn’t. Neither invited us this year when it was time to select friends, one of which I thought was a close friend, though I’m obviously mistaken.

My daughter is the oldest in the class, so we have to send invites out first. We don’t know what future invites will be.

Last year, the girl whose mum didn't rsvp, had a party with whole-class invite except my daughter so I was even more upset then.

And last year, someone who I thought my daughter was very good friends with, wasn't invited to her party! The mother invited her friend’s daughters over her daughter's friends in a cliquey show of allegiance. She got angry I asked her daughter whether my daughter was invited to the party.

This year sees a shift from all-class invitations to a guest list which now consists of selected friends (year 3). My daughter didn’t make the cut for a 10 party guest list, despite belonging to a small cohort of children who transfer to the same class each year as part of their 1.5 form.

I don’t want to approach the mothers because to do so would acknowledge my upset, make things possibly difficult for my daughter (who, after all, is the one I’m seeking happiness, even though is oblivious to the exclusions) and make things even more awkward in future. There are no missing invites in the bottom of the bag.

We didn’t hold any whole-class parties for the first three years ourselves (though we attended everyone else's). We didn’t because we didn’t want the expense of hiring hall and entertainers for a party with 30 kids (and receiving 30 (unwanted) presents 🙈). Expensive waste of money with one or other child/parent unhappy in my humble opinion.

We are in debt when it comes to hosting a party, so I hoped to invite back those that had invited us to their whole-of-class parties in the past (excluding the boys who my daughter just doesn’t get on with). Out of 15 invitations, 5 children turned up with varying levels of RSVP from mothers. (I gave 2 month notice, some had to be prompted again to RSVP a week before).

What am I doing wrong? Must I be friends with the mums too? I try to let my daughter do her own socialising and accept who SHE chooses as HER friends at HER school and she has done a good job of it. I couldn't have picked nicer friends for her. Her school friends were absolutely lovely at her party :)

On the other hand, I'm not friends with any of their mothers except through their children. I can’t be bothered with the extra time, effort or money it takes to pretend to have bonds just so that my daughter can have a birthday party once a year. I'm just friends with some of my neighbours who take their kids to the same school on the same journey ie whoever I bump into, nothing organised.


To put it into context, we go to a state primary school. Other mums are younger and mostly school leavers. I am 10-15 years older on average, different religion and colour. Is it a race/education/ class divide? We live in a nice town of British white people and there is only one other brown face (who similarly doesn’t get on the guest list).

My daughter is overly friendly, loving and caring and I'm not just saying that as her mother. There is no reason she should be excluded

It’s a complete minefield. I am very upset and definitely over analysing.

[NC4Now]

When you get to limited numbers, and the kids are older, you just say ‘ok, you can have three friends along. Which three do you want?’
And the child, who is probably about seven or eight, just picks the three they like best that week.
You’re applying etiquette, logic and feelings to small brains that don’t think like that.
Its out of your control, so I wouldn’t overthink it.

[thirdfiddle]

I really hope you're wrong. We're in a similarly majority white town I'd say but kids don't seem to tune in to skin colour at all. Sad to think they may elsewhere. Or that parents would stop their kids inviting who they actually get on with, which they'd be in a position to know by 9.

I think possibly you might have misjudged the play date thing. Normally here people invite one child at a time. It helps your child form a relationship with that one child and yes many people reciprocate. Others don't and I won't judge them. Maybe they feel their home situation isn't stable enough to host. (Maybe they're so horrified at the state of our house they're trying to discourage the friendship!) Inviting a whole group may not work for fostering relationships as well if guests play with other guests. It may also not work for reciprocation as well as most people won't feel able to host a mass playdate. We did try inviting more than one when DS was short of friends and it didn't help or get reciprocated either.

It really is easy to fall between the gaps of friendship groups at that age. DS did. He's since palled up with a couple of other on the margins children and a new child and much happier.

If I were you, I'd first check with teacher that there are no obvious issues at school. She's not upsetting anyone or equally being bullied by anyone and being pushed out of the friendship groups.

Then ask your DD for one child she'd like to invite over (or maybe out to park/treat/something). Invite via the parent personally, via FB if necessary or speak to them. Follow up if no response. Repeat with another child a few weeks later.

It could be because of colour sadly; it could be because you're a professional and so not part of the school gate clique and people don't feel they know you; it could be clique issues in the class; it could be as I say just falling between the gaps. If you keep persisting and not taking offense you will find people who value your DD. A whole class can't be racist. (And make sure you don't stick to "nice professional people" too. Sometimes they can be the hardest to arrange playdates with as child is either in childcare or swimming/brownies/choir every day.)

[CloudRusting]

It isn’t easy. But it might be lots of things

Maybe your daughter isn’t actually that popular at school and is more tolerated than liked - everyone bar her at a party suggests this may be the case. Might there be something going on at school you’ve not been told about?

Maybe they don’t like you - some of your posts suggests you look down on them and aren’t willing to make an effort

Maybe it is racism

Or maybe a bit of everything

You can’t control the others though. Don’t dwell on it and be extreme breezy if your daughter mentions others having parties.

[howrudeforme]

my ds had a friend years back, best friends at nursery, as the got older they got into their boy groups and girl groups and weren’t friends - but I did whole class parties so she invited.

I was still friends with the mother and she told me dd felt marginalised -her dd disclosed this feeling (not the mum). Mum worked a lot but made effort to invite girls for play dates.no invites back.

She didn’t feel it was racism (v mixed school) - but is was hugely hurtful. I noticed that the parents of dds were quite cliquey and I wonder if it was that.

Is your dd ok? That’s the important thing. When my ds wasn’t invited to stuff I did feel a twang but he didn’t seem bothered at all.

[howrudeforme]

Do you organise play dates?

Blimey, looking back my ds was invited to almost nothing, but looking back ds was oblivious, and friendships were parent driven (and I was almost never present as working). I ended up doing a whole class party just to show he existed.

As kids get older, they decide for themselves.

[Rightgirlwrongplanet1]

@*SKMCR" not a piss take. Genuine feelings of anguish and hurt.

If it's a smaller group of children at 9 years old then why has little one not been invited to broadly school class parties with girls all in same cohort? Especially ones she invites to her birthdays? Why no birthday invitations for 18 months when this is prime time for parties and a sense of belonging?

[smoresmores]

but I can think why wouldn't be invited. We're polite, friendly professionals.

Children don't tend to look for those qualities when selecting party guests. It seems you're taking this personally for yourself, not your kids

[SKMCR]

I don't know whether this is a piss take to see if it makes DM.

Its normal isn't it? Its now smaller group of friends the child has chosen.

[Rightgirlwrongplanet1]

@Fucket

The parties which she hasn't had been invited to have one thing in common and I hate to admit it- race.

Little one has been with the same group of children since reception.

New (white and brown) faces have arrived. The new white ones who joined after reception and old white ones who left school after reception get invited, the new "others" who joined after reception and the old "others" who joined at reception are left out. What other conclusion can one come too?

Yes, playdates. I did the inviting and NEVER got invited back. It was one-sided. I arranged around 4 playdates inviting around 4 children in one go over around 8 months and no one reciprocated. I stopped doing them.

The only child she plays with is our next door neighbour on a casual basis which is a blessing otherwise there would be no play at all. And yes this is the kid we concentrate on.

Yes, after school clubs. It's the only "social" occasion I have control over. Different, obviously, to playdates which are invite-basis, unstructured, child led with no specific aims or skills to learn.

Yes, she has "friends" at school. Her school friends are the precise ones we invited to her birthday party 4 weeks ago.

One invitee failed to reciprocate 4 weeks later and splashed photos across FB which was really upsetting. Two years in a row :(

Another had their 9-year birthday and invited 40 kids (school class plus others minus our child )- all white faces.

It hurts me that this small cohort of children, who move together in the same school year group through 1.5 year format, and invite each other and exclude our daughter.

The mums are friends with me on FB and like and comment my posts so this social exclusion is upsetting and confusing. I hate playing the race card but what other conclusion is there.

Thank you for the advice. It's precisely what my mum said. Ignore them and don't go on FB.

[Fucket]

If you think it’s racism then I’m truly sorry about that. Not sure what else to say.

Does yiur child have play dates? Attend after school clubs? Does she have any friends she hangs about with? Maybe concentrate on those kids. If I were you I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with the other families. Hold my head up high and ignore them. Let them waste their money on parties and presents and teach your child it’s better spend birthdays with people who love and care about you, than waste time and money on shallow false types.

[thirdfiddle]

Seriously, you're over-thinking this. Party invitations usually go by "who do you want to invite to your party dear?". And if you're talking 7-8-9 yr olds that's something where you might get a different answer depending on which week you ask. They don't keep scores. You can't expect 7 yr olds to be friends with the same people this year as last.

Keep an eye on friendships, and if you're concerned about whether your child has friends in school speak to her teacher and maybe try to set up some play dates with children she likes. There can come times when a child wants to be friends with another but it isn't reciprocated; or when one child is friendly and outgoing so lots of people feel they're a special friend but they may not be able to invite everyone they like.

If you think your child is having friendship issues that's a worry. If you think parents are snubbing you in the party invitation trading game, it's probably that they're not playing the game and just asked their child to write a list.

[Rightgirlwrongplanet1]

Adding to my original post because my original suspicions are getting stronger.

Since I wrote this a year ago, there hasn't been a single invitation to a birthday back.

Lots of comments said I shouldn't over analyse. If you were in my position, you'd feel hurt and look for expansions too.

I cannot prove what we're experiencing is racism but I don't know what other reason I can offer.

A total repeat of events this time last year happened. We invited people who belong to a small cohort of school children who have their birthdays close together none of which invited us back within a few weeks of our party with photos on Facebook to boot.

Photos of white girls with long, straight hair versus my daughter who looks entirely different - brown skin with short, black curly hair.

More incredulous is the fact that some invitees were children who left school 2-3 years ago and still made the guest list.

I don't even think they know how painful it feels. I haven't told my daughter because I don't want her to feel hurt.

Our school is white British town with 300 white faces and 3 black children and us, the only Indians.

Is the race card, but I can think why wouldn't be invited. We're polite, friendly professionals.

[ovenchips]

How does your daughter feel about party situation?

I have only skimmed your opening post as it's so long (which is normally, if I am honest, a sign of someone being overly invested in something).

I would take my cue from my daughter in this situation. If she is unaware/ aware but unconcerned, I really would let it go, as (this is meant kindly) it is more about you and your feelings than hers.

If it does bother your daughter, I would direct my energy in making sure she socialises as much as she'd like to - inviting other children round, planning days out and inviting others etc. Whether that meant you got reciprocal invitations back each time wouldn't matter. Forget party reciprocity 'rules' altogether.

I am writing this as a parent whose child does not, generally speaking, get invited to the parties and sleepovers of the main group. He is a really lovely child, as I'm sure your daughter is, but is just not 'in' with the 'in crowd', and probably more significantly, I am not in with the rest of the schoolyard mothers. But my son does get to do plenty of nice things and I invite others to do stuff with us. He is very happy with that, and so I am too.

[Pinkprincess1978]

I think others have it the nail on the head - your dd is popular and gets on well with lots of girls but that has its consequences and that is she won't have a 'best' friend.

My dd was invited to lots of party's in the infants but very few in the juniors and I can't remember that last non family party invite she had.

It's just how it goes, I can't take it personally and I make sure she doesn't either. Party's are expensive and I believe in allowing your children to invite who they want.

There also isn't a debt system, I have never kept track on whose party my kids went to and made sure they were invited to our party's - if I did that and my kids were friends with someone who couldn't afford to host a party then those children would miss out.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

I think that the best way to see parties is a stand alone celebration for your child of their birthday. I have a party for my dc because they want to celebrate with their friends/ classmates. One of mine was always #7 on everyone's invite list when the parties went down to inviting 5 or 6 (She might have been #8 or #9 but I like to think it was #7). I can't make her more popular, I can't make people invite her to their parties. All I can do is give her a fun celebration of her birthday, be thankful that she is sufficiently popular that people want to come to her party - some people on here have children (often with SN) and no one even wants to come to their party.

One thing which you could do is increase the number of play dates- not just to make her popular, but observe the interactions she has with others, see how she is socially with one or two others and help her to see if maybe is is too bossy, too talkative etc. My daughter for example can fail to pick up on cues if someone is bored or doesn't always take turns in conversation.

[shockedballoon]

I know this can be a minefield and it's really common for people to feel a bit put out, but honestly you need to step back a bit and not over think it. Kids friendships and cliques are often relatively volatile - just accept the invites you want, shrug off ones you don't get and invite who you want to your child's parties. Kids parties are expensive and often a line has to be drawn somewhere. I did one whole class invite party for DS's 6th and that's it. This year (9th birthday) he's allowed 4 friends who I'm taking trampolining then for pizza. There will be kids he's not invited whose party he's been to over the year, but this we've also been in the reverse position and that's fine.

[StormcloakNord]

You've got an exceptionally easy life if this is what you choose to have an absolute meltdown about.

It's embarrassing, stop being so invested in kids birthday parties

[Rightgirlwrongplanet1]

@jjemimapuddleduck
Thanks for invalidating my feelings. I was upset.

[jjemimapuddleduck]

Jesus Christ. Excessively long OP and you are far too over invested. You need to take a step back and worry about the real stuff.

I have 3 children, throw 3 big parties a year and don't give a shit about this. I care my children are happy and chat to them about their friendships, but definitely don't keep a list of who invited who where or who has who round for a playdate! I'm fairly sure it all evens out in the end. I do have an acquaintance like you. She gets really worked up about who stole who's rubber, what random child said to her child in the playground or how many house points her child has/has not got that week (for example) and she is just so anxious all the time and her chat can be quite dull!

I feel you need something real to worry about!

[Cupoteap]

@Rightgirlwrongplanet1
@Cupoteap
I think you're forgetting about expense as a party goer. We take presents which are not free
Then think of all the money you are saving!

[shirleyschmidt]

No probs OP, I can be sensitive and overthink something even when my rational side knows I shouldn't give a toss. Lol. I do agree the whole class party which excluded your daughter is awful, to the extent I'd bet my house it's a case of invite gone missing etc.
Anyone normal would be upset at the thought of their child ever being left out but perhaps because you're so conscious of your own party, you're now over-analyzing what others are doing when there's absolutely nothing in it. Hope the thread has reassured you it's not that your daughter is not liked, but there'll be any number of reasons, none worth being upset over (especially when your DD isn't!)

[ADastardlyThing]

Honestly op, no one is dickish enough to not invite a kid because they haven't had a party themselves. We all appreciate people have shit going on/parties are ridiculously expensive etc etc. Well, maybe such people exist but I've never met them!

It really is kids are fickle, invites get lost/forgotten about, turns out ALL the class weren't invited after all etc.

[Thesnobbymiddleclassone]

I tell my daughter the she can invite X amount of friends and she decides. I can't afford a party for 20 odd kids and I don't see why I should make her invite people she doesn't like or aren't particularly nice to her.

My DD also does ballet and to have a whole class party plus ballet kids ends up as about 40 children. Now that would be ridiculous.

[PrincessScarlett]

OP, I think you are over thinking this way too much. And if your DD is oblivious, I'm not sure why you are getting so worked up. Although I think in the case of your DD being the only one not invited to a whole class party that is cruel.

Do you make any effort outside school such as play dates? Your DD may get on with the kids in school but lots of kids see each other outside of school and this is where proper friendships are cemented. So it maybe that now they are older and class parties are not the done thing anymore they are more likely to invite kids who their child has something in common with such as dance, gym, Brownies or who they choose to see outside of school socially.

[titchy]

Why was her invites not returned this year within a few weeks after her birthday?

Because as several people have said party invites don't = a debt that has to be repaid by reciprocating the invite.