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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Depression is such a kick in the teeth - and it's not even my depression.

28 replies

ArmyWifenMum · 29/10/2022 17:57

How do I help my daughter who is living a half life? She doesn't work, can't work, her poor mental health rules her life and ours. I would gladly give my last penny and last breath to keep her upright, but today... feeling like the world is on top of me. I'm so sad at how bleak her future looks and feels. I'm out of options and one of the hardest things is that she is wonderful, just wonderful and should be living! Should be grabbing handfuls of life and drinking it in! My heart breaks for her.

OP posts:
LightandMomentary · 29/10/2022 17:59

It's rough isn't it. First questions - has she been to her GP, is she on meds, does she have counselling.

Original poster
ArmyWifenMum · 29/10/2022 18:01

Was on meds, now drug free as it fogged her brain and she felt worse. She has seen a counsellor but not nearly as effective as we hoped - on waiting list for a psych appointment. So many waiting lists... I'm feeling very frustrated on her behalf. Just a bad day.

OP posts:
LightandMomentary · 29/10/2022 18:05

OK, difficult then. I only found that my dc was able to make use of the counselling when their mood was a little more stable due to meds. Not lifted, but just even, as opposed to deep, deep pits. They still have some low pit days, but they don't last as long thankfully. Did she try more than 1 type of med?

Original poster
ArmyWifenMum · 29/10/2022 18:07

No, i think that's a good place to start - new drugs/different drugs/different dosage. I shall investigate and advocate where I can - thank you - even feel calmer just knowing i'm not alone in this. Thank you X

OP posts:
LightandMomentary · 29/10/2022 18:10

xx🙏

Quitelikeit · 29/10/2022 18:11

Have you thought about the pill? Could this be hormonal related?

is there a family history of MH issues?

does she have friends?

how does she spend her free time?

Original poster
ArmyWifenMum · 29/10/2022 18:13

There is a history of MH issues - some freinds, sporadic contact, sleeps all the time, a life spent in bed really. Heartbreaking.

OP posts:
vipersnest1 · 29/10/2022 18:16

Supporting one of my dc through mental ill health took a huge toll on my own, so I know how you feel. Flowers

TeenDivided · 29/10/2022 18:16

LightandMomentary · 29/10/2022 18:05

OK, difficult then. I only found that my dc was able to make use of the counselling when their mood was a little more stable due to meds. Not lifted, but just even, as opposed to deep, deep pits. They still have some low pit days, but they don't last as long thankfully. Did she try more than 1 type of med?

This is the same as for my DD, couldn't access counselling until depression evened out a bit. We are 2.5 years in. First year was awful before we got help and then got on to the right meds and right dose, then in the last 18 months things have slowly improved. Still a long way to go to be 'normal' but even compared with 6 months ago doing much better.
(She's on Fluoxetine, went up to 40mg, now reduced to 30mg.)

Original poster
ArmyWifenMum · 29/10/2022 18:17

Its hard isn't it, exhausting. x

OP posts:
Original poster
ArmyWifenMum · 29/10/2022 18:18

@LightandMomentary @TeenDivided Okay - so i think it's the drugs that might give best hope. Thank you thank you thank you - grateful and calmer - will make appt and try again down drug route if she is willing.

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 29/10/2022 18:20

ArmyWifenMum · 29/10/2022 18:17

Its hard isn't it, exhausting. x

I'm with you on that. I've had counselling for 2 years just to keep me going. In fact I'm due to have my last session next week.
Try to look after yourself.

Original poster
ArmyWifenMum · 29/10/2022 18:24

@TeenDivided and you look after yourself too - sending you strength and support.

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 29/10/2022 18:28

Therapy works when you meet a therapist who is smart and with whom you ‘click’. I’d encourage her to try again and definitely talk to a few people before deciding. Also, have patience. She may not feel much different for a while, even with the best therapist ever, and might feel a little worse for a while because she’s exploring what the issues are.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 29/10/2022 18:35

My DD19 has been mostly housebound for over 4 years. She has specialist psychiatric and psychological support, drug therapist y etc she has so little quality of life. It’s hard to remain hopeful but we must. How old is your DD OP?

BigBlueHandbag · 31/10/2022 23:53

Gosh, the words of the OP “her poor mental health rules her life and ours” absolutely resonated with me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am too. My DD has been struggling with depression and anxiety for five long years now. It is making me depressed now, living with her seldom and short-lived ups and her many downs. I am starting to feel I can’t cope with it for much longer. She’s attempted suicide multiple times and she self-harms. She’s interesting and capable and clever and funny, and I hate how much she hates herself. It breaks my heart a little more every time she hurts herself or shares her suicidal thoughts/plans. We’re trying so many things to make her well. But it’s really exhausting and really sad. I hope that everyone going through this as a parent has better times to come. One day at a time is how we’re getting through it.

watcherintherye · 01/11/2022 00:07

Flowers to everyone. It really is true that you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child, isn’t it?

Original poster
ArmyWifenMum · 01/11/2022 06:58

@Craftycorvid i think this is good advice, thank you. Will try and find someone else for her to talk to. I dream of it all clicking into place.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArmyWifenMum · 01/11/2022 07:00

@HangerLaneGyratorySystem she is 25. "She’s attempted suicide multiple times and she self-harms. She’s interesting and capable and clever and funny, and I hate how much she hates herself." This - really resonates. My heart goes out to you both, to you all.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArmyWifenMum · 01/11/2022 07:00

@watcherintherye yes, a thousand times yes x

OP posts:
EttieWarbler · 01/11/2022 07:11

Get yourself a copy of Depression: the Way Out of Your Prison by Dorothy Rowe.

Flowers
Hopingforbrightertimes · 18/12/2022 18:45

Sorry to resurrect this but just came on to say thank you to all of you for sharing your experiences and hope that there are better times ahead for all of us. It helps so much to know that I’m not alone even though I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Feeling grief stricken by the feeling of powerlessness and despondent as my own DD is in a huge downward spiral and refusing not only to see a doctor or consider medication but has completely shut down and won’t speak to anyone. Feeling terrified that she might do something awful but completely powerless to do anything other than reiterate that I love her and I’m here for her.

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 21/12/2022 15:33

BigBlueHandbag · 31/10/2022 23:53

Gosh, the words of the OP “her poor mental health rules her life and ours” absolutely resonated with me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am too. My DD has been struggling with depression and anxiety for five long years now. It is making me depressed now, living with her seldom and short-lived ups and her many downs. I am starting to feel I can’t cope with it for much longer. She’s attempted suicide multiple times and she self-harms. She’s interesting and capable and clever and funny, and I hate how much she hates herself. It breaks my heart a little more every time she hurts herself or shares her suicidal thoughts/plans. We’re trying so many things to make her well. But it’s really exhausting and really sad. I hope that everyone going through this as a parent has better times to come. One day at a time is how we’re getting through it.

I really get this. In a similar position. I am at rock bottom really having had years and years of it. It would be great to have a support thread .

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 22/12/2022 23:15

me too. Only thing is you’d then get people who aren’t in our shoes coming on and offering opinions etc - also sometimes it’s just overwhelmingly sad and you feel
hopeless. Then despite being entirely entitled to feeling like that sometimes, you always get people banging on about hope. You must have hope, as if that’s something that a much wiser person needs to tell you as if you don’t have all this hope it’s somehow your fault.

sorry for rant!

steppingcarefully · 19/01/2023 06:32

I would also advise looking at a different medication. My DS is on his 3rd AD and is in a much better place now than he has been for the last 3 years. As a parent it is so hard to see them suffer but it's reassuring to know how many of us are doing our best to support them.