Iv posted before about my in-laws and how demanding the have been with me and the baby. He’s 10 weeks this week and 1000% exclusively breastfed and has been since day 1.
Multiple arguments have gone on quite regular, WEEKLY to be precise as they seemed to be in denial and refusing to accept home truths or boundaries we put in place. It goes quite for a few days then next visit it starts all over again and I’m a person who stands my ground firmly!
We had quite a large argument this weekend as the in-laws became pushy with the baby again, demanding to see him at x-time until x-time. I accidentally caught on a phone call between my FIL and my Boyfriend to which the FIL said
“ she needs to stop being so selfish and psychotic with this baby. She is clearly struggling and breastfeeding is not working she needs to stop being so selfish and let us help feed the baby and take care of him. Mums fed up as she feels shes not allowed to be involved with caring for him. She would love to give him bottles when you visit and to be able to feed him. Why cant she just tit feed when she’s at home and then give him a bottle then we can all help and feel more involved with this baby, she could let him sleep over then and everyone else can enjoy him too. We don't see why we need to ask for permission to see or spend time with this baby, he belongs to everybody not just her. Mum feels she is being left out with the caring for this baby”
THE RAGE
The absolute RAGE that filled my body within is indescribable. I feel so pressured into giving up breastfeeding for someone else's selfish, self centred satisfaction. How many times do they have to be told that they are being incredibly SELFISH and CONTROLLING. Why so much pressure to make me change how the baby is fed!!! Why should I stop when the MIL exclusively breast fed all of her children!!!! I feel horrible as my partner is trapped in the middle, he’s tried talking to them, reasoning and it goes back to square one every single time. Grandma this, Grandma that, Grandmas upset, Grandma wants this or that. I hate it. Im so fed up and anxious. I can’t tolerate the outbursts anymore as its just pushed me to feel like I gave birth too a baby that was intended for them and their pleasure and not for me. I feel like I’m just the wet nurse. I waited for so many years to have a baby, I lost one in 2017 to my ex and then promised myself I would wait until the time was right and I met the right man. 2018 I met my current partner. I never realised when I became a parent with my partner; that his parents also automatically decided that they had a right to be the babies parents too. Its gone from excited first time grandparents to overbearing annoying people who dont like the word NO.
I have never known a more RUDE, selfish bunch as them in my life. The say we want to be good Grandparents. BACK OFF THEN, BACK OFF AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP AND HAD THEIR OWN, BUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN CHILDREN TO TAKE CHARGE OF SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER. IT IS YOUR SONS BABY NOT YOURS.
(In my dreams id love to scream that at them but I wouldn’t dream of it as I'm too polite).
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In-laws wont stop being so self centred!
KMoo22 · 29/08/2022 17:42
excitingusername · 29/08/2022 19:13
I would also say OP, that I had a particularly enraged reaction to my in-laws and while yours sound genuinely unreasonable, my in-laws didn't have to do very much for me to be 0-100. Just bear that in mind because women usually return to their Mums and some MIL feel like women take their sons and grandchildren away. It's a tricky one. I've also watched friends turn into near psychotic Mama Bears with their in-laws after they had their baby (you sound like you have reason, I'm just saying why it might be as bad as it is). I'm just noting that even the idea of them taking him for a walk is making you physically react with anxiety and revulsion - that's not necessarily just their overbearingness, I was the same and I had no idea just how fiercely protective and anguished I was about my child and how that came across to others.
It sounds like they have completely forgotten what it's like to be parents of babies and also I do think a certain generation was expected to just put up with interfering family members moreso than now. I was pissed off by visitors who didn't call in advance (GIL brought round random friends of hers who I didn't know and I was furious), people wearing perfumes and aftershaves when they held her because then her beautiful babyness smelt of stupid sprays and powders - it made me mad as a hatter. People not handing back when she cried etc etc.
Rounddog · 29/08/2022 19:01
You know often when people talk about people behaving narcissistically on here there are often posters who doubt the perspective of the poster suggesting narcissism. That is textbook narcissistic behaviour. Whether they are narcissists or not is debatable but that behaviour is definitely narcissistic.
Controlling, belittling, undermining, patently untrue. What a pair of toxic twats. Put either a metaphorical or literal ocean between you and those people. They are damaged and damaging.
Rounddog · 29/08/2022 19:01
You know often when people talk about people behaving narcissistically on here there are often posters who doubt the perspective of the poster suggesting narcissism. That is textbook narcissistic behaviour. Whether they are narcissists or not is debatable but that behaviour is definitely narcissistic.
Controlling, belittling, undermining, patently untrue. What a pair of toxic twats. Put either a metaphorical or literal ocean between you and those people. They are damaged and damaging.
awwbiscuits · 29/08/2022 18:55
I assume now that you won't be seeing them again op??
MichelleScarn · 29/08/2022 18:45
@KMoo22 I don't understand how your partner feels 'stuck in the middle' at stretch I could see this if it was something simple like you not wanting them to visit without any of their batshittery, but how can he feel that they're in the right with this?!
excitingusername · 29/08/2022 18:37
Wow. They sound completely ridiculous and the lack of empathy despite having had 4 children who were breastfed is absurd. I too would have been incandescent with rage if anyone had tried to come between me and my daughter. I do not get the 'baby staying over at Grandparents' thing at all. My daughter didn't stay over anywhere without me until she was about 6 or something stupid! And she has zero attachment issues or insecurities about being without me.
Do remember however, that while this is now, things may well calm down. I was incredibly protective and neurotic with my daughter and people thought I was nutty. However, they did respect my boundaries (of which there were many!).
Perhaps a letter, written over a loooong time of reflection and editing being absolutely sure about the wording so that you don't burn any bridges to explain to them what they can't seem to understand. Maybe some reassurance that as long as they are respectful they will eventually get time with their Grandchild but absolutely this is not about them.
@excitingusername weve tried a few approaches.
We approach his dad and we get blocked or told do one... 
I dont get the obsession over being alone with him, surely they know what babies do when they have had their own children? Surely they understand its not appropriate for their 2 month almost 3 month old grandson to be away from his mother.
Its like when she found he'd smiled for the first time I've never seen a look of upset and anguish so strong in my life.. 'oh Right... has he? Well I would have liked to have been there for that first smile...'. When we said he's too young for sleepovers and will be until the wedding next year, we don't need your help with him right now but when he's weaning you can spend some time with him..
We usually get "Why? Just give us a bottle, weve had kids.. dont you think we know what were doing contrary to your belief we had children we know how to look after them". I absolutely hate parenting competitions and being told how to parent!
DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2022 18:06
Sounds like they don't understand how breastfeeding works - perhaps DH could explain. If MiL didn't breastfeed her babies then maybe they don't understand that you can't just do it sometimes, that success relies on supply and demand.
But are you struggling? Could you actually do with a bit more support?
Some families and cultures do think that a baby is part of the larger family, it doesn't mean they are evil or batshit, just different. They may feel disappointed that they don't get to have the baby themselves, and might not appreciate your reasons. I think this calls for more talking, more dialogue until they get where you are coming from.
DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2022 18:06
Sounds like they don't understand how breastfeeding works - perhaps DH could explain. If MiL didn't breastfeed her babies then maybe they don't understand that you can't just do it sometimes, that success relies on supply and demand.
But are you struggling? Could you actually do with a bit more support?
Some families and cultures do think that a baby is part of the larger family, it doesn't mean they are evil or batshit, just different. They may feel disappointed that they don't get to have the baby themselves, and might not appreciate your reasons. I think this calls for more talking, more dialogue until they get where you are coming from.
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