In-laws wont stop being so self centred!

[KMoo22]

Iv posted before about my in-laws and how demanding the have been with me and the baby. He’s 10 weeks this week and 1000% exclusively breastfed and has been since day 1.

Multiple arguments have gone on quite regular, WEEKLY to be precise as they seemed to be in denial and refusing to accept home truths or boundaries we put in place. It goes quite for a few days then next visit it starts all over again and I’m a person who stands my ground firmly!
We had quite a large argument this weekend as the in-laws became pushy with the baby again, demanding to see him at x-time until x-time. I accidentally caught on a phone call between my FIL and my Boyfriend to which the FIL said
“ she needs to stop being so selfish and psychotic with this baby. She is clearly struggling and breastfeeding is not working she needs to stop being so selfish and let us help feed the baby and take care of him. Mums fed up as she feels shes not allowed to be involved with caring for him. She would love to give him bottles when you visit and to be able to feed him. Why cant she just tit feed when she’s at home and then give him a bottle then we can all help and feel more involved with this baby, she could let him sleep over then and everyone else can enjoy him too. We don't see why we need to ask for permission to see or spend time with this baby, he belongs to everybody not just her. Mum feels she is being left out with the caring for this baby”

THE RAGE
The absolute RAGE that filled my body within is indescribable. I feel so pressured into giving up breastfeeding for someone else's selfish, self centred satisfaction. How many times do they have to be told that they are being incredibly SELFISH and CONTROLLING. Why so much pressure to make me change how the baby is fed!!! Why should I stop when the MIL exclusively breast fed all of her children!!!! I feel horrible as my partner is trapped in the middle, he’s tried talking to them, reasoning and it goes back to square one every single time. Grandma this, Grandma that, Grandmas upset, Grandma wants this or that. I hate it. Im so fed up and anxious. I can’t tolerate the outbursts anymore as its just pushed me to feel like I gave birth too a baby that was intended for them and their pleasure and not for me. I feel like I’m just the wet nurse. I waited for so many years to have a baby, I lost one in 2017 to my ex and then promised myself I would wait until the time was right and I met the right man. 2018 I met my current partner. I never realised when I became a parent with my partner; that his parents also automatically decided that they had a right to be the babies parents too. Its gone from excited first time grandparents to overbearing annoying people who dont like the word NO.

I have never known a more RUDE, selfish bunch as them in my life. The say we want to be good Grandparents. BACK OFF THEN, BACK OFF AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP AND HAD THEIR OWN, BUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN CHILDREN TO TAKE CHARGE OF SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER. IT IS YOUR SONS BABY NOT YOURS.

(In my dreams id love to scream that at them but I wouldn’t dream of it as I'm too polite).

[bellac11]

Is this the situation where the inlaws said they wanted to co sleep with baby?

In any case, you say you are too polite to respond with what you want to say.

The time for being polite is over

You need to write a carefully crafted letter, let your anger show but dont be rude or offensive. Set out the complete inappropriateness/control that comes from his mentality (does the wife share the view?) and refuse to have anything more to do with them

Fair enough if someone had these views or expectations and then in the early fe days of the babys life came to understand that this is now inappropriate and they shifted their thinking perhaps. But youve said this is now 10 weeks with rows frequently about this

This isnt good for you and your partner, not good for baby.

Time to say goodbye to them

[KMoo22]

@Maka21

I had very similar. I am still getting over it now over 2 years later. Amongst many other stressors that were going on at the time, it has been the worst experience of my adult life, broken my trust in my in laws, and affected my relationship with my husband deeply.

you absolutely need to have your husband on side and it is really good your family support you (mine wanted to stay neutral and not rock the boat, which still hurts to this day,)

Sit down as calmly as you can alongside your husband and in laws and explain to them how their behaviour is affecting you mentally and the toll it is taking on your relationship. Give specific examples, say the most 5 hurtful experience s that you have gone through because of them.

You both will need to stand your ground on how you wish to go forward with them. Ie you will contact to arrange meet ups.

The relationship can be salvaged, it has (just about) for us but still has taken such a toll on me. I am now at the stage of trying to reconnect and repair with my husband.

@Maka21 identical to me and my partner then 😭😭 its causing so much strain on our relationship, we argue SO MUCH, we dont see eye to eye much now, his dad is forever getting in the middle and runs to my partner calls me all sorts of names and says I deny them a basic right when I say fine 'sod you, dont bother coming to see him if you wanna start that controlling and taking over bullshit you can stay away if you cant behave' and i think they do it on purpose to cause a split as they know if my parter was a co-parent that he'd take the baby to them and let his mother play mummy and daddy...i think the 'empty nest' thing below is definitely a factor in my MIL's life she is hollow and has an empty nest she wants to fill but knows she cant!

I remember once saying no to something and they looked at me like id just kicked their dog!

[Maka21]

I had very similar. I am still getting over it now over 2 years later. Amongst many other stressors that were going on at the time, it has been the worst experience of my adult life, broken my trust in my in laws, and affected my relationship with my husband deeply.

you absolutely need to have your husband on side and it is really good your family support you (mine wanted to stay neutral and not rock the boat, which still hurts to this day,)

Sit down as calmly as you can alongside your husband and in laws and explain to them how their behaviour is affecting you mentally and the toll it is taking on your relationship. Give specific examples, say the most 5 hurtful experience s that you have gone through because of them.

You both will need to stand your ground on how you wish to go forward with them. Ie you will contact to arrange meet ups.

The relationship can be salvaged, it has (just about) for us but still has taken such a toll on me. I am now at the stage of trying to reconnect and repair with my husband.

[KMoo22]

@Puffalicious @Ihaveanoldiphone

I think my partner scared of his dad, his friend said as A kid it was always his dads way or the highway. My I tell him straight..
Early mother hood, my mental is incredibly vulnerable at this crucial stage and they keep going trying to take over. I feel like when our hormones are so sensitive atm its actually a good thing as it allows women to be open and vulnerable and allows us yo learn to love in a different nature. Thats my thoughts as before pregnancy I was always quite detached from feelings and I wasn't the most open to talk, kept to myself and never opened up too any man or woman apart from my own family. Having a baby has allowed me to be vulnerable with the baby, its taught me love on a very different level and a new kind of love I never knew existed! But its left some emotions exposed and some quite sensitive.

I think his parents don't really care about that or respect that. His mum I always got along with her before and I never saw bad in her. Shes not BAD person but shes over bearing and cant accept that she's not longer the alpha mum anymore!

[GG1986]

Fuck em! Assholes. Tell them if this continues then you will go no contact, they have no legal rights to their grandchild if you are in the UK. Do not give up breastfeeding and do not give in to their ridiculous demands.

[Ihaveanoldiphone]

@Puffalicious

Yes, but you also need to respect other people's culture. If you were overbearing towards my babies I'd have told you to back off too- your culture or not, it's my child.

Yup and often these cultures are toxic to the mother! Definitely not something a mother needs to try to understand and I say this coming from the culture. It’s not cute it’s damaging to mothers’ mental health especially if she can’t assert herself and nobody else is advocating for her.

[CaptainMum]

I feel the RAGE on your behalf! They are being ridiculous!

[Ihaveanoldiphone]

This happens a lot in my culture, fake concern about baby when it’s really a patriarchial power thing, they want to separate mum from baby and devalue her status/position as mother to incubator. Not saying this is the case here but I would go low contact, your partner needs to do the dirty work and you should spend your time on baby, not stressing about this but I understand it won’t be easy for him but it really is important he steps out of his comfort zone and stands up to them

[Puffalicious]

@antelopevalley

Are they a different culture?
In Britain's white culture the baby belongs to the mum and dad. But that is not the same everywhere. In some cultures the baby does belong to the wider family. That does not mean you have to accept that, but just try and see their point of view.
I come from a different culture and do not understand how my nieces and nephews are not seen as the wider family. I ended up withdrawing and having little to do with them. There seemed no point being involved only to get rebuffed.

Yes, but you also need to respect other people's culture. If you were overbearing towards my babies I'd have told you to back off too- your culture or not, it's my child.

[Geppili]

Do NOT give ip breast feeding. Never let them see your child. They are nasty and deranged. They think your baby is a thing.

[margaritasbythebeach]

@awwbiscuits

I'd be done. Like, done, done. No way is there any coming back from that.

This ^

[Calphurnia88]

The ironic thing is that the way they're behaving is not in the best interests of the baby whatsoever, it's entirely for themselves.

[Pumpkintopf]

They are being ridiculous. I hope your partner challenged them back after that text message (did he show you what he wrote?) as it's really his job to manage the relationship with his family otherwise they won't be having much of a relationship with any of you.

[Flamingooooooooooooooo]

I'd go fucking nuclear if I heard somebody say that.

[Irridescantshimmmer]

They are selfish and callous and probably jelous of the bond you have with your baby.

They have no right to make you stop BF your baby which you have more than every right to.

I really don't understand how someone can try and seperate a young baby from their mother, its totally HORRIFIC to me.

Again, you need as much distance from the monster in laws and your partner needs to grow a spine and back you up,



Or else.......is for you to decide.

[LemonsOnSaleAgain]

It sounds like they don't trust you to bring up their grandchild and they want control. I don't see what else you can do other than cut off contact, for now at least.

[CuppaTeaAndSammich]

Sounds like an extreme case of empty nest syndrome!! It's like your in laws haven't been able to get over the fact your partner is now grown up and doesn't need them now so they are trying to fill that void with the new baby. It's scary just how obsessed they are with your baby. I can't believe your FIL said your baby belongs to everyone. That's such a weird thing for him to say!! I have no advice but I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Sounds like a living nightmare!

Perhaps the in laws could do with some counselling to address their very obvious empty nest syndrome!!

[excitingusername]

@KMoo22

@excitingusername i honestly think she finds it hard too accept that for the first time in her life shes not in charge of something and for some reason a mother and her daughter are closer which is natural? I think she finds it hard too accept that I wont ever put her before my mum.

My mum made, carried, birthed and raised me, she will always be my priority above anyone except not before my baby ofc! He comes first always.

But she just lit a fire inside me and she let it spread and get out of control with her lack of willingness to listen, accept and get along with!

Yep sounds like it. Don't let the fire burn YOU out though, because that rage could cause you problems and you don't need that. Don't revisit the whole situation until you've had time to calm, try and distract yourself from it and enjoy your boy, noone can take him, he is completely yours. Potentially, eventually, your son may need his Grandparents on that side. They are out of line now but they are family and in the future they might (might!) be a boon to you if you are happy with their overall approach when he's older. I hope the situation resolves a bit :s

[antelopevalley]

Are they a different culture?
In Britain's white culture the baby belongs to the mum and dad. But that is not the same everywhere. In some cultures the baby does belong to the wider family. That does not mean you have to accept that, but just try and see their point of view.
I come from a different culture and do not understand how my nieces and nephews are not seen as the wider family. I ended up withdrawing and having little to do with them. There seemed no point being involved only to get rebuffed.

[awwbiscuits]

So what are you going to do?

[KMoo22]

@excitingusername i honestly think she finds it hard too accept that for the first time in her life shes not in charge of something and for some reason a mother and her daughter are closer which is natural? I think she finds it hard too accept that I wont ever put her before my mum.

My mum made, carried, birthed and raised me, she will always be my priority above anyone except not before my baby ofc! He comes first always.

But she just lit a fire inside me and she let it spread and get out of control with her lack of willingness to listen, accept and get along with!

[Geppili]

Do NOT give ip breast feeding. Never let them see your child. They are nasty and deranged. They think your baby is a thing.

[RainbowsMoonbeams]

It’s like you are the Handmaid, and must hand the baby over to them on demand.

They sound bloody unhinged.

[excitingusername]

@KMoo22

@excitingusername i think for her she seems to think because her son let her do everything and STILL does she can do it with me and the baby.

Im close to my mum anyways NATURALLY and she has some extreme jealousy over her which iv never understood as shes obsessed that my mum has him alone, feeds, changes, dresses him etc in reality she doesnt!! My dad's always at work he sees him for an hour maybe before we go to bed??

Shes fixated on all things and doing things with him being about her which ok fine she has first time grandma syndrome. But her hints went to nagging, nagging went to demanding, demanding has turned to possessiveness. Its like whenever shes with him she feels she can just waltz in and do what she wants and doesn't need permission...

Iv said you can have him for sleepovers WHEN he is old enough, but its not happening right now. Have patience and stop wishing his life away!

I think the jealousy thing is way worse in some women than others. My MIL was incredibly laid-back, but her own MIL was very needy and intrusive, I wonder if some Grandmothers have a genuine hormonal response.

Just know that first-time Mums can see everything as a threat and an invasion. It's definitely a thing.

In-laws are infuriating too though, I struggled and still would probably if they were near tbh. I don't think I ever really stopped being that bit hostile with them.

[ImAvingOops]

This sort of behaviour absolutely ruins in law relationships - I don't think mine ever fully recovered from it tbh. I don't understand why in-laws go so bloody crazy!
How you feel is completely normal, your in-laws are trying to get in the way of your natural bond with your baby and your instincts are screaming against it.

If this was me, I'd make it really easy and block all contact. They would cease to exist for me. DP can tell them it's their own doing. No discussion, no negotiation. You've tried being nice and look where it got you.