In-laws wont stop being so self centred!

[KMoo22]

Iv posted before about my in-laws and how demanding the have been with me and the baby. He’s 10 weeks this week and 1000% exclusively breastfed and has been since day 1.

Multiple arguments have gone on quite regular, WEEKLY to be precise as they seemed to be in denial and refusing to accept home truths or boundaries we put in place. It goes quite for a few days then next visit it starts all over again and I’m a person who stands my ground firmly!
We had quite a large argument this weekend as the in-laws became pushy with the baby again, demanding to see him at x-time until x-time. I accidentally caught on a phone call between my FIL and my Boyfriend to which the FIL said
“ she needs to stop being so selfish and psychotic with this baby. She is clearly struggling and breastfeeding is not working she needs to stop being so selfish and let us help feed the baby and take care of him. Mums fed up as she feels shes not allowed to be involved with caring for him. She would love to give him bottles when you visit and to be able to feed him. Why cant she just tit feed when she’s at home and then give him a bottle then we can all help and feel more involved with this baby, she could let him sleep over then and everyone else can enjoy him too. We don't see why we need to ask for permission to see or spend time with this baby, he belongs to everybody not just her. Mum feels she is being left out with the caring for this baby”

THE RAGE
The absolute RAGE that filled my body within is indescribable. I feel so pressured into giving up breastfeeding for someone else's selfish, self centred satisfaction. How many times do they have to be told that they are being incredibly SELFISH and CONTROLLING. Why so much pressure to make me change how the baby is fed!!! Why should I stop when the MIL exclusively breast fed all of her children!!!! I feel horrible as my partner is trapped in the middle, he’s tried talking to them, reasoning and it goes back to square one every single time. Grandma this, Grandma that, Grandmas upset, Grandma wants this or that. I hate it. Im so fed up and anxious. I can’t tolerate the outbursts anymore as its just pushed me to feel like I gave birth too a baby that was intended for them and their pleasure and not for me. I feel like I’m just the wet nurse. I waited for so many years to have a baby, I lost one in 2017 to my ex and then promised myself I would wait until the time was right and I met the right man. 2018 I met my current partner. I never realised when I became a parent with my partner; that his parents also automatically decided that they had a right to be the babies parents too. Its gone from excited first time grandparents to overbearing annoying people who dont like the word NO.

I have never known a more RUDE, selfish bunch as them in my life. The say we want to be good Grandparents. BACK OFF THEN, BACK OFF AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP AND HAD THEIR OWN, BUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN CHILDREN TO TAKE CHARGE OF SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER. IT IS YOUR SONS BABY NOT YOURS.

(In my dreams id love to scream that at them but I wouldn’t dream of it as I'm too polite).

[oneOff12]

Can I ask what your relationship is like now? I had a very similar instance of MIL running away with the pram, I found it absolutely traumatising. Interestingly I now have a ds on the way and she had a ds so I’d like to see if the interest levels are the same!

[Petrar]

You are absolutely in the right OP, just let them whinge. I wouldn’t even respond.

[Creepymanonagoatfarm]

Being less available is the way to go.
And never give her a spare key op.

[KMoo22]

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow

Has your partner, his siblings and father all enabled her behaviour before this? Is this the first time what she wants has been challenged?

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow from the last four years of being with him.

YES. Shes always been allowed to just do it without asking and do as she pleases. Absolutely not boundaries with her children, my partners only one who's left home. But literally anything they do the whole family has to do it as well.

We've had a few tears over days out alone and us not inviting them. We went away on a mini break 2 weeks back for my 30th and we got a dig about us not inviting them for a day to spend time with their grandchild. I could have cried, it was like why? Why do you feel you should be invited to EVERYTHING? Where is our privacy and time spent alone?

Dont get me started on the fact when we finally get our house back as its currently being renovated after a flood, shes already planned how many days a week shes coming and how long shes staying having him for. Its so intrusive and not mention RUDE

[KMoo22]

@maddy68

I am going to play devil's advocate here.

Are they worried about you not coping?

You overheard a private conversation between them and your DH

Maybe you aren't t coping? Maybe they are offering to help and offering solutions ?

@maddy68...

Thats very presumptuous. And my short and blunt answer is NO. My mother is a midwife. If I weren't coping she would have mentioned this 10 weeks back. I surprised myself with how well i slotted into being a mum, From day one I just seem to have gotten on with it, we have night where he's hard work but they are few and far between but it doesn't mean I need them? I get through it.

They have an expectation that I should just hand over a baby and its been made to be all about his Grandma. We dont see my parents behaving like this.

They are being unrealistic. They are being selfish. They have always been like this, over intensive and living in their childrens pockets.
Its rare his parents ever go and do things separately or alone, if they go anywhere even just a trip down to the park they all have to go. If they go shopping they all go! It does not promote independence of any shape or form.

[Whowhatwherewhenwhynow]

Has your partner, his siblings and father all enabled her behaviour before this? Is this the first time what she wants has been challenged?

[maddy68]

I am going to play devil's advocate here.

Are they worried about you not coping?

You overheard a private conversation between them and your DH

Maybe you aren't t coping? Maybe they are offering to help and offering solutions ?

[KMoo22]

@Calphurnia88

The baby is your dependent if you are breast-feeding.

@Akmc

I know this won't have been your intention, but just to say that babies are dependent on their mothers even if they are not breastfed. Obviously there is a more literal dependancy with BF, but babies need their mothers for more than just food.

Good example - my baby is BF but will have a bottle. This meant my MIL could have him for a few hours while me and DP went out this weekend. Was he fed? Yes. Would he settle? No. We came home to an extremely exhausted, crying baby who hadn't slept for 6 hours, but fell asleep as soon as he was in my arms.

@KMoo22 this also is a good example of why bottle feeding isn't some magical solution to FIL/MIL having alone time. Babies are more than just a digestive system.

@Calphurnia88 i think his mother is just missing the point completely.
I wanted a baby as Id lost 2 prior, I didnt bring a baby to earth for her amusement and satisfaction only. The whole time he's been born its just been about her, her bond, her time, her memories, her role, her purpose.

I am not a milk factory. I am not changing to formula or mix feeding like they suggested, I am not expressing so his deluded hormonal mess of a Mother can start getting broodier and more possessive. If i start giving her inch she will take a mile! She will take the piss, i let her change and dress him ONCE and guess what? The minute she'd done it every-time we visited or she came here she would just take the baby without even saying hello, she'd have her head and hands in the moses basket pestering him whilst he was fast asleep. If he screamed for me to feed she'd go 'get a bottle of expressed made up, ill do it...' no... just no. Learn your place in the damned pecking order you deranged woman! Your son and daughters of 25,27 and 30 may still allow you to wipe their arses but I am more the capable and dont need you, my mum or ANYONE for that matter to wipe mine for me!! Let your children be adults and get a grip.

Id love to say these things too her, but what do I get in return? A mouthful of abuse off the sexist pig of a father in law who supported his beloved wife to breastfeed them 3 but where im concerned im selfish and im not being fair on them for not letting them feed him ??

Do you see where this is going? Me me me me me me me. All about them, their bonds, their way of caring..
Basically I dont exist and I have no feelings.

I don't struggle AT ALL, I have bad days like every parents but I dont go running to my family or his. Rest assured my partner is always there for me on all good and bad days; he picks me up when its bad, he praises me daily at how well im doing; so I don't need her intrusive pushy help or unsolicited advice. I dont care that she birthed my partner and her 2 daughters. That was then and this is NOW. They are her children, this baby is not!

[Whowhatwherewhenwhynow]

Oh goodness they sound awful and entitled!!

If I were you I’d step back from them completely and let your partner manage the situation with his parents. He needs to back you 100% and be firm with his boundaries. They’ll either get the message that their interaction with the baby is determined by what you are comfortable or they won’t and they won’t have any relationship at all.

were they overly intense in your partners life before this or has this behaviour just sprung up since the baby.

my parents were always (still are) over bearing and when I was pregnant I really set strong boundaries from the beginning as I knew without that they’d over step. Mean blocking them on everything for 6 weeks and then frequently reminding them if they start to get too intense, which is rare now because their ability to interfere is not so high due to their own needs now.

[KMoo22]

@antelopevalley if you chose to spend that money that was your choice entirely. But I absolutely REFUSE to allow someone in my close family life to think that she can just waltz in an assume the position of parent for the duration of a visit or that she feels she is entitled to tell me when she is having my less than 3 month old child.

NOONE has a right to tell me what to do or when ti hand him over. Its women like her who cause Postnatal depression and she in on the verge of causing it for me. I enjoyed breast feeding and her constant demands for me to give her a bottle so she can enjoy feeding a baby and bonding makes me feel physically SICK. Why the obsessiveness of wanting to feed and bond alone? Shes had her babies, she needs to stop trying to take over this one!

[EL8888]

@BangaloreLulu all this! This sounds like a nightmare

[BangaloreLulu]

I have absolutely no sympathy with your PIL and would be sorely tempted to get your MIL a Reborn baby, maybe one that looks rather like your baby, and hand it over to her as if it was her sleeping grandchild, and then leave her to it.

[Akmc]

@Calphurnia88 yep, having been able to bf with one and bottle fed the other, totally agree in both circumstances. Definitely just a food source! 😂👍 Clumsy wording as written in indignant haste!

[ThePumpkinPatch]

😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵 OMFG!!!! What did you do???? I'd have called the Police

[antelopevalley]

@Puffalicious

Yes, but you also need to respect other people's culture. If you were overbearing towards my babies I'd have told you to back off too- your culture or not, it's my child.

Not overbearing. But when my only role seemed to be to spend lots of money buying presents and occasionally say aren't they gorgeous as they slept in their mum's arms, they did not seem much point in engaging at all. I ended up just feeling a cash machine.

[Calphurnia88]

The baby is your dependent if you are breast-feeding.

@Akmc

I know this won't have been your intention, but just to say that babies are dependent on their mothers even if they are not breastfed. Obviously there is a more literal dependancy with BF, but babies need their mothers for more than just food.

Good example - my baby is BF but will have a bottle. This meant my MIL could have him for a few hours while me and DP went out this weekend. Was he fed? Yes. Would he settle? No. We came home to an extremely exhausted, crying baby who hadn't slept for 6 hours, but fell asleep as soon as he was in my arms.

@KMoo22 this also is a good example of why bottle feeding isn't some magical solution to FIL/MIL having alone time. Babies are more than just a digestive system.

[Akmc]

Don’t you give that up until you feel ready / can’t physically cope / are advised to by someone with you and the baby only in mind. And I don’t know what to advise you here, these people are being outrageous. The baby is your dependent if you are breast-feeding, and for them not to understand that - and for your OH to even allow this nonsense to be said - is incredible. It should be obvious that for both the baby AND you, these weeks are precious, vital, precarious. If you think the pressure is likely to continue and you think it will affect your mental health, it might be worthwhile to talk to your midwife to get some support/ an opinion you can bank on.

Solidarity and respect to you. Standing up against this sort of thing is difficult with family & extended family, but if you can maintain your position safe in the knowledge that it’s best for the two of you, then they’ll have to realise another approach is better eventually.

My side of the family has lots of strong histrionic personality types (male and female), so I understand how someone can feel powerless to object when the behaviour starts up, so you have to work with your OH to make him understand that you have to have the freedom to make these decisions. Do you get home visits? If he could stay for one and you could mention this to a MW it might help him understand too.

[Calphurnia88]

They sound completely unhinged OP. This is far from normal behaviour.

Putting myself in your shoes, I think I would have to go no contact. All communication through DP, but very clear that any visits are at your house only, at specified times and never unsupervised.

He needs to reinforce your JOINT stance AS PARENTS (because you as MUM are being unfairly demonised) on bottle feeding and unsupervised visits/overnight stays. If they continue to ask, then visits stop. I don't see any other way.

[KMoo22]

@bellac11

Well yours sound as mad as the one I remember reading about too!

Ultimately you cant carry on like this, you're not going to get anywhere trying to justify yourself each time, you'll be tired, or in shock, not articulate yourself properly and lose momentum

Write them a letter telling them how unreasonable they are, how inappropriate, how controlling, how un child centred they are, that no one dictates to you how you bring your child up, how stalkery and harrassing they are and this is not normal behaviour

@bellac11 this is what I find thr hardest. Having to Justify myself.
I dont care what Culture/age group/religion anybody comes from NOONE has the right to tell a Mother what they do with their child.

Nor should they have been assuming I was struggling. I think for me as well I hate the constant hints and pointing towards the MIL. Its every time we plan to visit or when were there with them we get 'oh grandma wants to do this, Grandma wants to do that, Grandma cant wait to spend some time alone with him. Its like forcing me to hand him to them.. personally I think I would struggle to get him back, I hate the fact they go to the pub a lot so I don't want them taking him too a pub. And the last time we met them at a cafe the MIL was a PAIN, I didn't take his pram as he hates his pram atm and prefers his sling. We got there and she burst into tears and said it was unfair on her for me not to bring the pram as she wanted to take him and push him around. The constant 'ohhh really reminds me of his daddy when he was a baby. He looks so a like him, brings back my memories of breast feeding and being a mummy'.

The first thing she ever said was 'hows the bottle feeding going?' And when I replied im not I'm breast feeding exclusively, her face hit the floor and she started welling up and I could see and feel the anxiety in her building. The FIL then started with bottle feeding talks and saying that they could help being having him on their own, I KNEW from that first point of contact when she cried and he started they had been planning things for themselves with the baby and it put me right on the edge of my seat

The more they or anyone else hints the further in that I dig my heels. Or the more someone in their family suggests what I could do the more angry and upset I get!

I seriously think there's empty nest syndrome and some jealousy that they can't do the parenting. Then they wonder why every time the make plans for themselves and disappearing for an hour or two on their own excluding me I go into a panic mode and think nahh you can sod right off...

[bellac11]

Well yours sound as mad as the one I remember reading about too!

Ultimately you cant carry on like this, you're not going to get anywhere trying to justify yourself each time, you'll be tired, or in shock, not articulate yourself properly and lose momentum

Write them a letter telling them how unreasonable they are, how inappropriate, how controlling, how un child centred they are, that no one dictates to you how you bring your child up, how stalkery and harrassing they are and this is not normal behaviour

[KMoo22]

@bellac11

Is this the situation where the inlaws said they wanted to co sleep with baby?

In any case, you say you are too polite to respond with what you want to say.

The time for being polite is over

You need to write a carefully crafted letter, let your anger show but dont be rude or offensive. Set out the complete inappropriateness/control that comes from his mentality (does the wife share the view?) and refuse to have anything more to do with them

Fair enough if someone had these views or expectations and then in the early fe days of the babys life came to understand that this is now inappropriate and they shifted their thinking perhaps. But youve said this is now 10 weeks with rows frequently about this

This isnt good for you and your partner, not good for baby.

Time to say goodbye to them

@bellac11 noooo mine was about them overstepping boundaries set in place and just ignoring my wishes. Its was atleast 2/3 weeks ago i'd say! Where she kept planning to visit as and when she felt, as often as she felt.

My situations been going on since he was 2 weeks old she's been relentless. She visited on her own Sunday my MIL and whilst she was quite that bit better and she showed more willingness to try and be respectful and she seemed to be more understanding, my FIL took his bat and ball home dropped her off and buggered off to the pub in a strop and refused to come in the house so I just thought sod you then! We saw the great-grandparents today they've obviously been talking and it turned to basically why not let his Grandparents take him for a walk in the pram alone for an hour whilst you sleep or do something in the house you need too? I had to just brush it off and nod and agree, I cba even saying anything as I really really like my partners grandparents, his grandma reminds me of my grandma so much that I lost in 2013 so I hold her very dearly and shes been very supportive!

My grandma and Grandad again both brilliant very respectful and supportive, very attentive towards me and the baby AND my partner. Iv only got one set of grandparents left now; so I don't like anyone (the FIL has mentioned them before taking shots that I see them more than them) saying anything to me about me seeing them regular with the baby as I only have them left. My grandad was always super close with me growing up and I absolutely adore him, I absolutely dread loosing him as he's my best friend and great-grandparents are bloody lucky if they see their GGC arrive! So I'd always pick my time to be spent with his or mine as they won't be here forever and my partners yet too experience that kind of a loss!