What to do when adult kids don't want to leave home?

[Diamondzzz]

I'm a single mum to a son 20 and daughter 24. Apart from a few years when I was married (not to their dad) I've brought them up on my own and always put them first. They have never gone without and fortunately we've always been ok financially because I have always worked.

A year ago I decided to downsize to a smaller house so that I could pay off the mortgage and have less financial commitments and work part time. To do this, it has meant that they have a bedroom each in the house and I have a caravan in the garden. This was something I was willing to do to have a less stressful life and still give my kids somewhere to live.

The problem is that I planned on each of them contributing financially. I only want £25 a week from each of them which works out as them paying a quarter each and me paying half of the bills. I think this is fair as it is much cheaper for them than living anywhere else and it should be nicer to share with family rather than strangers. My son's girlfriend has also been living with us since January and I haven't asked for any extra money from her. If I lived here on my own, I could just about afford it. The bills would be cheaper as I wouldn't be paying full council tax and using as much water and electricity, etc. so I think it's reasonable for them to contribute something. However, my son and his girlfriend won't hold down a regular job and always say they don't have the money to pay me. Yet they always have cash for takeaways and trips out. Until recently, my daughter has paid me and didn't mind as she said it was very cheap compared to what she would have to pay to rent a room somewhere else. But now, she is understandably fed up with being the only one paying and I've had to agree to her stopping paying me until her brother does. The house is also a complete mess as nobody ever cleans up and everyone denies it's their mess. I've given up as I would spend most of my evenings cleaning and doing chores to keep on top of it and I'm rarely in the house so resent clearing up other people's mess. There always seems to be arguments because my son and daughter, don't want each other living here.

It's got to the point where I have told them that in January I want them all to leave. This has caused a lot of discontent. My daughter is moody and says I'm being selfish and blames her brother for causing the situation. She thinks it's perfectly acceptable to live with your parents indefinitely. My son is cocky about it and says I won't throw them out in January and that if I do, he will never speak to me again. He thinks that I am being totally unreasonable to expect a penny from them and tells me to get a full time job if I'm worried about paying the bills.

I really don't know what to do. I left home at 17 and most of my friends did at around the same age. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to provide for themselves at their ages or at the very least for them to contribute a small amount here and stop acting like kids.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this?

Thanks.

[Lovelytreeoutsidemywindow]

The son and gf won"t see sense, no point trying to rationalise with them. He sounds like an entitled shit frankly.
Chuck him and his gf out asap, move back in, put your dd"s rent up enough to pay for a cleaner, and stop them all bullying you.

[puppymouse]

Really shocked reading this OP. Please don't let other ADULTS - regardless of whether you gave birth to them - make you pick up all the bills and live in that fucking caravan. It's disgusting behaviour.

Tell DD she can stay if she pays her way, son and gf can have the caravan if they pay or move out.

[Roussette]

I am in shock at this thread. Total shock. They are adults the same as you. They have two arms, two legs and are capable of working and contributing. For your son to more or less tell you to eff off and go and work full time should have been the catalyst for you.

She has no plans to move out any time soon because she did for a year when she was 20 and realised it was expensive so came back to me

First mistake - you should've made her pay slightly less than she was paying before to not make it so easy.

You need to tell son's girlfriend you don't run a free boarding house for anyone who fancies living there and she needs to get herself off home or wherever.

Your DS has an appalling attitude. I would give him till end September to find a job and contribute a decent amount.

I would make both of your DCs move into the caravan (minus girlfriend who needs to bugger off) and you should redecorate your home and make it just as you like.

If either of them don't, tell them they're out on their ear. You OP have spent your life working hard to provide for them and they are taking the piss. In fact if this were my DCs I would be heartbroken.

P.S. I too left home at 17 and supported myself from then on

[Diamondzzz]

Thanks for the messages. I've tried to speak to them again today and got the usual load of abuse about how unfair I'm being and how I've never done anything for them! I've told the girlfriend that if she doesn't like it she can leave now.

I've agreed that my daughter can stay if she pays, as to be fair she made her plans regarding leaving her job etc. before I said they all had to leave in January and it isn't really her that has caused the problems.

All your replies have highlighted the massive issue of their lack of respect for me. More than the money, this is the major problem and I can't see a way of rectifying that. I am going to the council with them on Monday and perhaps they will see I'm serious then.

I think the only way to deal with this is to force them to leave and stand on their own feet.

[YeTalkShiteHen]

Did they say you’ve never done anything for them with a straight face????

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but I’m glad you’ve realised they’re treating you so badly and are going to do something about it.

[InDubiousBattle]

They gave you a load of abuse? Bloody hell op, taking about biting the hand that feeds you. You don't need to go to the council with them, that's still you taking some responsibility for them. They are adults. You have to tell them that they adults and they need to leave.

[YeTalkShiteHen]

Actually abuse is the right word. It’s domestic abuse, only they’re not a partner, they’re your children and some random woman who clearly hasn’t got any manners.

So if they continue to abuse you OP, you can have them removed from your home.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

Since they aren't vulnerable and have no children, they won't be a priority for council housing in most areas. They will be expected to sort themselves out. So please don't rely on that, or accept them staying until they get a council place. Personally I'd want the girlfriend out right now, just for the bloody nerve of complaining!

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I'm sure at the time you felt like you were helping them.

[sickmumma]

Like PP have said as long as they contribute and do their fair share round the house I think it's okay for adult children to live at home.

My mum relocated when I was 18 to live with my Nan which meant I had to rent somewhere with my now husband at the time. IMO we were far too young, I was at uni and we couldn't actually afford the rent between us and we ended up getting into debt which took us a few years to then clear. We are now still renting but much better off however I would say moving out early means we have sacrificed owning a home as rents are so high and savings are not massive plus house prices have doubled in the last 8 years where we live. My brother on the other hand is 25, still lives at home with my dad however because of this has between him and gf managed to raise a deposit for a house and so will be much better off than us due to lower mortgage costs. Because of
This I will allow my children to stay and save, however will expect them to respect the house and help out.

I think I would put son and gf in the caravan for a start, get daughter to pay rent again for a room and then follow through with the jan thing is son then doesn't start stepping up!

[ignatiusjreilly]

My mother had a similar problem with my brother, who refused to move out and didn't see why he should pay to live in his own home. He was suffering from depression so my mother was reluctant to insist he go, but eventually she realised she wasn't doing him any favours and helped him get set up by himself and find a job. It really was a case of having to be cruel to be kind.

It was the making of him. He felt so much better about himself once he was working and independent, and is in a very good place today.

The fact that you're happier in the caravan shows that deep down you're ready for them to fly the nest now. You're ready to move on to the next phase of your life, and they need to move on too. That's completely natural and healthy for everybody so don't feel guilty.

[Diamondzzz]

ignatiusjreilly How did your mother do this? I'd like to help my son to get set up on his own, but I feel I'm fighting a losing battle. He doesn't want to go.

I really think this is making us all depressed. We all hate each other because of the situation.

[ignatiusjreilly]

She sold the house and downsized! Once he accepted that he HAD to find his own place, he was willing to accept help with finding a job and houseshare.

Would you consider moving again to a 1-bed place? That would solve the problem! Or you could rent out your current home and rent a 1-bed place just for you, eventually moving back in to your house in 6 months or whatever.

But if you can't face moving again, I think you just need to get really tough. Remember it is YOUR house and you are not responsible for housing and feeding your children past the age of 18.

Start by asking yourself, in an ideal scenario, how do YOU want things to be? Would you ideally like to be living there alone? Or with just your daughter?

I think the easiest first step would be to speak to your son's girlfriend (preferably alone) and explain that you can no longer offer her a place to live. Your son has a very cushy set-up right now, and that needs to stop. Give him some incentive to move out.

Once she's gone, you can demand rent from both your children. If either of them won't pay, or if they start paying but stop, start getting tough. Change the internet password, cancel any tv packages, you can even cut off electricity etc if things get really bad. Change the locks as a last resort.

They are treating you appallingly and it needs to stop right now.

[Ignoramusgiganticus]

The situation won't actually change magically unless you make it. It's up to you. they aren't going to change. You have to. You need to stop accepting this abuse - and abuse is the right word - from your kids.

[PoshPenny]

They are walking all over you unfortunately. I would kick them all out and start again. It is so so wrong that they have taken over your house and turned it into a pig sty whilst you live in a caravan. Consider selling up once you've thrown them out and moving into a 1 bed place WITHOUT THEM.

[ignatiusjreilly]

@Diamondzzz have you managed to make any progress?

[Cheeseislife]

Obviously we dont kmow where you are in the country but safe to say a lot of councils are massively oversubscribed for housing so that may not be an immediate solution for your son, and really why should he get council housing anyway, hes not in need, he's just a pisstaker. Maybe him and his gf should move in wth her family for a while, if they're less of a soft touch than you it could teach them a lesson!

[Diamondzzz]

I feel as though I've made a small step in the right direction today. My daughter has come out of her sulk and told me that she will carry on paying me as she will have to pay to live somewhere else anyway. My son's girlfriend, my daughter, my mother and I, had a good long talk today and cleared the air. As usual my son had disappeared.

Basically his girlfriend is as fed up with him as everyone else is. He's not being nice to her and is spending a lot of time out with his mates, leaving her here on her own. She has nowhere else to go because her parents split years ago and have new homes and young children, with no room for her. They rarely contact her and she is upset about that. Her extended family consists of various foster grandparents, step brothers and sisters, etc. and it sounds like she's just a bit of an inconvenience to them. To be honest I think she is only with my son now as she has no other support except my family and also nowhere to go. She has been making a bit more of an effort to tidy up and after talking to her today, I think she's actually very lonely and sad. She is earning a small amount each week from a part time job and I know she is looking for a better job because she has had a few interviews. She is also trying to find work for my son as he isn't making much effort. She told me that he is taking her money as soon as she earns it, to use it for petrol, etc. She also agreed that she isn't good at managing money and we agreed that she is going to give me all that she earns to look after for her and when she wants cash for something (after paying me) I will give it to her, so the money doesn't just disappear on nothing. My son is also working part time but she says he always says he has no money left but can't explain what he's done with it.

My mum went with them to the council last week and they now realise that they don't have a hope of getting a council place. She has also said that although she has helped my son (mostly financially) to date, that she will not help him any more as he has to take responsibility for himself.

My son is the big problem for everyone involved. He briefly turned up and I told him what me and his girlfriend agreed. He agreed to do that too, but I don't believe him for one second. This is his last chance and I'm still sticking to the January deadline for an improvement as I feel this should give them time to sort themselves out. As it stands now, they are in debt, would not be able to rent anywhere privately due to having no deposit, no references and no money and I'd be kicking them out to be on the street. I just can't bring myself to do that yet.

[Diamondzzz]

Also, just to add, I don't want to do anything hasty as things may have to change in March as my job is only contracted until then. If it ends, I've decided that it will be my opportunity to rent the house out and spend some time travelling which is something I've wanted to do for a while. The rent would give me an income so I could do this.

[ivykaty44]

You’d be better of selling the house, purchasing a flat - rent it out and live in the caravan. Take the caravan somewhere nice like the algarvoff course your son will talk to you , when he wants something

Gosh poor you they both sound very entitled, especially your son.

[ivykaty44]

You could rent the house out and travel, then when you return use spare room dot com to get a room - all bills included etc no contract so up and go south in the winter. Big community in caravans in Portugal and Spain

[huggybear]

You're going above and beyond here and they're aren't appreciating it. No qualms about saying give them the boot.

I'm against adults living with their parents in general as I think it breeds 25 year old children but if they pay their way then possibly. This, no!! Enjoy your little sanctuary.

[Diamondzzz]

I have a few options if the house is rented out. It's not a problem as I already own rental properties so it will just be another to deal with. I'll be ok and Spain is a strong possibility for me. I also have a campervan so travel in this country is something I'd enjoy having more time to do. The only reason I didn't rent the house out when I bought it was because my son was still in college and dependent on me at that time. Obviously I had to provide a home for him and also wanted to help my daughter. I didn't realise it would turn into the nightmare it's become.

I honestly thought I was helping them and giving them a good start to their adult lives so that they'd have savings put away for when they moved out. I've always been good with money and kind of assumed they would be too.

[anewyear]

I also have a 19yr old, 20 next month, I'd love for him to move out.
However, he earns minimum wage £5.90 ph,
Unfortunately around here, private rental for bedsit/apartment £600 + pcm
by the time he's paid his monthly payment for hire purchase off for his moped, which he uses to get work, he's left with approx £700, not a lot left over for rent, insurance for bike, council tax, electricity/gas/water/food.

I really need to get him to put his name down on the council housing list.
Something to do next week.