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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

I feel a little closed in by step daughter and new baby

12 replies

Rogerp33 · 14/06/2018 08:57

It really is a blessing for our 22 year old daughter to have a baby. Our youngest daughter is 3 so a big gap but it seems like now the eldest is going to be our ours very very often leaning on my wife for support. This is fine but I worry that we will end up completely inseparable. Our daughter doesn't drive and now wants to move to the same village as us. I feel terrible but I still want to create memories and experiences as a dad with my 3 year old and with my wife. It's nice to have a family close by but I worry it's going to take over everything and become something that frustrates me and every activity will be the entire extended family. I can't talk to anyone about this as it just creates arguments. So I can't express my feelings to anyone and just feel quite low

OP posts:

Jinglebells99 · 14/06/2018 09:11

I’m confused. You say step daughter, but you are actually talking about your daughter and grandchild? Not step daughter? 22 is still young and it’s not really her fault you have moved on to a younger wife and child. You are still her dad. My brother was in a similar situation in that his partner had an older child, she was seven when they got together but about 18 when they had a child together. The first step child had a baby a couple of years after his daughter was born. The children are very close, more like siblings than aunt and nephew, and it’s been really nice for my niece to have another child to play with. They are really close.

Original poster

Rogerp33 · 14/06/2018 12:08

It is my step daughter who is 22.
My wife left her father 19 years ago.
My daughter of 3 is my blood relative but of course the 2 girls are sisters

OP posts:

Owllady · 14/06/2018 12:11

It is part of being a step parent and being part of a family. I think you are catastrophising a bit but I empathise that it's affecting you. Can you not talk to your wife about you spending time doing things, just you?

Cadencia · 14/06/2018 12:14

You say you can't talk to anyone about this as it creates arguments. I assume this means that you've spoken to your wife about it but she is adamant that she wants to provide this support for her daughter and grandchild? If so, I don't think you can tell her that she can't do this.

However, I think it would be reasonable for you to request some family time for just you and your wife and 3yo. Maybe at the weekend?

specialsubject · 14/06/2018 12:19

any partner in this? How does the 22 year old propose to support herself with finance, housing etc?

Jinglebells99 · 14/06/2018 12:38

Ah, sounds similar to my brother’s situation then. It’s worked out quite well for my brother, he’s very close to his step daughter, his own daughter’s Sister. She has recently been the one to collect him after an hospital admission, and it’s been great for the children, as they play together. I think the grandmother does childcare so that the step daughter can work.

LivingMyBestLife · 14/06/2018 12:44

I can see what you mean OP, you want time with your wife and your daughter (the three year old) without your older daughter and her child with you. That seems fair to me. What are the arguments, is your wife objecting?

Original poster

Rogerp33 · 14/06/2018 12:46

My step daughter has a boyfriend but neither drive and it seems like living within walking distance could lead to us doing the shopping and more and more. I just want a balance between us helping out and them actually standing on their own two feet. I didn't suddenly move closer to my parents when I had my child and while we all need help In the past this has gone beyond that, to simply doing everything for her.
It's nice to get help but how can you learning everything Is put on a plate in front of you. My step daughter doesn't work so it's going to be hard as we have a big mortgage. I know my wife is giving her money and has been for a while.

OP posts:

mydietstartsmonday · 14/06/2018 12:53

I am sorry but she is your family as well and probably wants the support of her mother.

I think you are going to have to take a deep breath and make the most of it. It will be great for your little one to have someone to grow up with.

Your wife has 2 daughters (and I can see you love your DSD as well) who need her support.

Talk to your wife set some boundaries and maybe teach DSD to drive!!!

specialsubject · 14/06/2018 13:44

they can shop online, get buses etc . doesnt work , eh - so what are her plans for funding?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 14/06/2018 13:49

I moved away from my parents when I had my first baby! my mum was taking over!

I agree with you OP, they need to stand on their own feet. They have created a family and need to realise that. Yes, lovely for grandparents to be near for visiting and babysitting when necessary but not as a crutch.

Rebecca36 · 20/08/2018 10:12

I think you will be alright Roger. You won't have your stepgrand with you all the time, just sometimes and your daughter will love having a baby around. As they are not too far apart in age they will grow up almost like sisters.

Stop worrying in advance, these things have a way of working themselves out. You'll have plenty of time to be a nuclear family with your wife and little one.

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