What do you do when you have made so many mistakes you don't know how to fix them?

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

When your kids fight and argue all day, when they won't listen, whey they constantly tell tales and hit each other, when they act like they would be happier without their siblings and you are too tired, sad, worn down and fed up to know what to do?

[UndeadLentil]

I hope the rest of the day went well too.

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

Hello

I was up early and hoovering at 7.30am. DS1 got stuck in and has helped all morning so DH is taking him out on his own this afternoon. DD will have to stay at home as she hasn't done as she has been told and DS2 will be napping and will also miss out.

Have made a start.

Thank you .

[saggyhairyarse]

My kids kicked off the first day of the school holidays and I thought I couldn't spend the rest of the holidays that way so I devised a reward chart.

Basically mine got 10p if they achieved the following:

1. Did what they were asked to do when asked to do it.
2. Helping around the house.
3. Were kind to each other.
4. Read a book.
5. Being polite.
6. Tidy bedroom.

There were three other things, and I said if they got the 9 things, I would give them an extra 10p to make it up to a pound. Bear in mind we were going on holiday at the end of the holidays so they were earning the holiday money i'd already allocated to them.

So maybe start with four things they need to achieve on a daily basis and you could make it up to 50p = £3.50 p/wk.

Try and ignore the 'bad behaviour' and praise the good in a big way.

So far as your 8 year old goes, mine was getting a little big for his boots and was whacking his sister at every opportunity. I sent him to his room, took away computer/TV etc and nothing worked. I saw red one day and smacked him on his arm, told him everytime he hit his sister he would get a taste of his own medecine and a smack back and he has not hit her since (but I have never smacked him before so this came as a shock). It wasn't my finest moment but I ould not allow him to think it was OK to keep hurting his younger sister.

[Sixer]

Tomorrow's another day. Just don't let the Dc down for brekkie until beds are made, bedrooms tidy and they are dressed and washed! They want to eat first thing, but chores need doing too! You'll be amazed how quickly things will be done!

[RedLentil]

Sorry to hear you had such a tough time.
Do try to get a good night's sleep.
Take care.

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

I was in care but saw m other and she didn't want me from day one. if I WAS HAPPY SHE RUINED IT IF I WAS SAD SHE SATYED AWAY
I HAVE to go now but thank you

[RedLentil]

DH needed the computer for ages there to book flights so sorry for disappearing.

It does sound as if it would be worth untangling the threads of your experiences as a child and a parent with a bit of help from a counsellor.

From the outside, it is hard to see why you are accepting harsh and judgemental language from a small boy. If that is the kind of thing you got from your mother, and that is shaping your response, it would make more sense if you see what I mean.

I do think you need to draw a line in the sand with your oldest DS, and start again with him. I can't imagine that being able to claim he's the boss leaves him feeling very secure ...

If you can take time out to reassess that would be great. If not, a proper family chat to redraw boundaries might really help.

Praise him whenever you can, and pick battles as others have said, but be very clear that you demand respect too.

Let us know how tomorrow goes ...

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

Thank you but it just makes me cross that I can't change anything and can't tell her how I feel. I also don't want her to think I care.

[RedLentil]

Would it help to talk about that here? We're happy to listen if it would help.

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

I am thinking about my mother a lot at the moment and when I post stuff like this, it just complicates things.

[foxinsocks]

yes, but what you are saying is that you want someone else to take control off you (having someone come in and help you draw up what needs to be done).

A few people have said it but it is worth saying again...until you sort out how you are feeling, this will not change.

Your children do not see you as being in charge because you do not FEEL in charge but it is almost impossible to feel like you are in charge when you are feeling so shit.

Your boy needs to learn that what you say, you mean it. Take away his nintendo, ban him from going on the computer, send him to his room. Also, make sure you are picking your battles with him. But really, it is hard to be this way if you are feeling low.

If you think your sadness is a problem, it might be worth talking to the GP.

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

HV not interested as kids at school now.

Kids are angels at school and I have been told several times how much they enjoy having my kids there.

[juuule]

Could you speak to your hv about the situation?
Perhaps s/he could suggest something in your area that is available to help you out.
How are your children at school?

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

I just want someone to come to my house and help me write a rota of what I need to do jobs wise and a list of ideas for how to react when X does Y.

[TheMysticMasseuse]

IWTLOF- is there anyway you can take one or two days off. it sounds to me like you have had enough. whcih is fair enough, we all feel like that sometimes.

ok I know you are going to say you can't- but really, think hard- can you go away for a night and let dh in charge? go to a relative, a friend, sleep in a hostel or whatever. you need to step away from your situation so you can see things more clearly, and recharge your batteries.

then think about what it is that you don't like. then convince yourself you have the power to change them. there are no mistakes (even if you have made them) that can't be rectified.

books can help- a good one often quoted on MN is "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk". professional help can also help- health visitor, gp etc can recommnend parenting seminars and counselling which can really be helpful. or try parentline

good lucK!!!

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

Penalties are our problem.

As in, nothing seems to work or he just refuses to do them.

I am so rubbish.

[RedLentil]

I don't want to make you feel worse. And you clearly feel awful ...

But if he is acting like this at 8, and isn't checked on it, then at 13, things are going to be tricky.

Saying once that you are his boss, and letting him have the last word is not enough. He can't have the last word in this kind of conversation ...

I have boy who is nearly 7 so I know how bolshy they can be, but there are lines they cannot cross, and if they do cross them there need to be penalties.

If the penalties have to be enforced 100s of times before they get the message about respect, so be it.

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

I tried telling him I was the boss once and I got that I wasn't, I was his skivvy and he was the boss of him.

[RedLentil]

Well, I would lay down the law to him about rights and responsibilities at the family talk tbh.

It sounds like he has got wind of how worn down you are and is testing the water in terms of claiming to be your equal.

You are the boss, not your ds.

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

One of mine says he will only do what I ask if I pay him, let him build a fire in the garden, get him something he wants from the loft, etc etc.

[Danthe4th]

I'm dreading the long winter nights, today has been hard enough, I usually work saturdays and have been with dh and the kids all day and i'm panicking about winter, the kids have spent so much time just playing outsidefor the last 4 months or so that suddenly the house seems tiny again.
Take them all swimming or some activity to break the day up, try doing it after they have done their share of chores in the morning, mine all do some, the youger boys are great at cleaning the skirting with flash wipes!!

[foxinsocks]

I mean, what I am saying in my roundabout way lol, is that you need to fix yourself first. Then you will find the strength to deal with the children. When you are 'tired, worn down and sad' all of this is too much to handle.

When you are feeling a bit more envigorated, you will find tactics to deal with the behaviour (like andlipsticktoo, I dragged mine out a lot, even just for a walk round the corner to look for acorns and conkers when they were like this)

[RedLentil]

I have also in the past gone on a very dramatic strike.

They were asked to tidy up a lot and ignored me a lot, so one Sunday I declared I was on strike, made a huge performance of besporting myself across a sofa with the Sunday papers and a sandwich and said they would have to fend for themselves for the afternoon.

They made some truly boaktastic chicken and cheese sandwiches before caving in to the fact that I am actually quite handy to have around.

They thought the whole thing was a bit of an adventure as well as a lesson.

DS still has to have his ears singed off in order to tidy, but it had a great effect for a while.

[andlipsticktoo]

Are they better if you are out of the house? Mine are, I try to do lots of outdoor, active things - it keeps the house tidier too!

[IWantToLiveOnAFarm]

They clear their plates, I prefer to do the dishwasher, very rarely tidy up any mess and definitely is painful. Tidying their rooms is debatable and i don't ask them to clean other than sweep the floor where most of their dinner seems to go .