so upset (long)

[berolina]

Had ds (first baby) 16 days ago and, as some of you will know, am having problems with bf. Am mixed feeding at the moment after we had to give him formula in hospital (short spell in scbu), but am trying to establish bf. A lot of feeds though (and every feed today ) he will refuse to latch on, scream and cry - even if I calm him down it will start up again when I resume the feeding attempt. It's hard but I keep persevering because sometimes he does latch on and I so want to bf. However he exhausts himself crying and he has to be fed so we are giving hm EBM and formula. Anyway, this evening he was screaming and crying again and he'd got himself into such a state that when dh brought his bottle of EBM he didn't take it at first. Usually when I give him a bottle he has it lying on the feeding cushion and me supporting his head a bit and that almost always works fine. However, this time he didn't take it and just carried on being upset. dh said I should lift him up a bit. I was feeling a bit fraught and over-sensitive (particularly because his tone implied my method was rubbish) and said 'you do it if you're so much better at it'. Then he said 'no, you have to learn it so he (ds) doesn't end up being allergic to you' I couldn't believe it! I am unhappy about the bf situation but I do my very very best not to transfer any of these feelings to ds and just feed him with love, however he gets fed. But dh has just implied he's picking up all kinds of negative vibrations from me. He has completely knocked the rather fragile confidence I had. I worry already about our bond because of the bf problems and I hate that he ends up screaming before a feed, and what dh said is making me feel worse and worse. Am I damaging our relationship? Will he never feel good with his mummy? I can comfort him when he is crying for other things - I'll pick him up, rock him and he'll fall asleep in my arms - but now I'm even doubting that. I'm afraid I lost it and cried and also screamed at dh to stop when he started going on. I'm so upset - what am I doing to my relationship with ds? Also, dh keeps saying things he thinks ds has to 'learn' to do - I pick him up immediately if he's crying and try and feed him immediately if he's hungry, dh thinks he should be able to wait a while - yes, when he's older, of course he should, but he's 16 DAYS ffs. dh is also a lot more relaxed about giving formula than I am - I HATE giving formula and worry about ds's health if I don't manage to get bf established. dh and I have a fantastic relationship and he is wonderful with ds (he's at home and we're child-caring equally), but I'm now just wondering how divergent our ideas really are - and what he said has so upset me. Am I a useless mummy who's ruining her bond with ds at only 2 weeks old?

Here is another link to clear pictures of latching on

last but possibly most useful link. Scroll to bottom of the page for better video clips of feed

I promise that is my last link! The last post there perhaps is the most useful. It will give you pointers to recognise when your baby is feeding well.

I know with a new baby you don't have a lot of spare time but they really are worth watch. Get DH to watch them too and then he will know better how to assist you.

Wish I had posted them earlier to you but I only remembered about them this morning.

berolina,
congratulations on your persistence! can't add anything to mears postings, but hope things improve soon.
where are you in Germany?
I am near Dusseldorf Mon-Thurs, shortly moving to Munchen.

Thanks mears. dh and I will have a telly session now
nightynight, I'm in a small town east of Stuttgart, a coupleof hours away from München. Before that we were in lovely Berlin (hence my name - Berolina is the personification of Berlin, bit like Britannia).

Just echoing the thanks for the links, mears, they are excellent. I dunno if I am just mental (or lived in Sweden for too long) but I wish my dh could have come to my breastfeeding workshop with me as I want him to be able to watch and make sure the baby's latched on correctly - esp since everything I've read suggests a bad latch is the main cause of early problems. Admittedly I didn't ask if he could come with me as I thought the midwives would think I was, indeed, mad. Anyway, I have made him watch some of the video clips and will print out some of the link pages for him also.

Bero, keep up the good work with young Samuel and make sure dh gets the message you are here, that whilst no-one's suggesting you starve your ds, too much formula feeding at this stage is most definitely not going to help your breastmilk supplies. It's great that he's putting on so much weight, I think you're doing much better than you think you are! Take care.

berolina havent read all the messages, but just wanted to add,

when i read your post, it reminded me of the trouble i had with bf

i remember starting to get wound up well before ds wanted a feed because i knew what was to come, he would latch on sometimes, and other times try as i might, we just couldnt manage it

it was awful at times....

14months later i stopped bf'ing, but im glad i perservered, it does get easier honest

just one thing to watch out for

make sure you massage your breasts so theres no blocked milk ducts.

i didnt, and on top of coping with a new baby i bloomin had a fever because i had blocked milk ducts, was awful

if in the end you decide not to continue bf, remember you are not a bad mother, you are doing what you see as the best option for the both of you

with regards to your dh, he is feeling helpless, try not to snap at him, he means well im sure, and this is all new to him as well

good luck with the bf'ing,...once again, remember, it will get easier, i felt exactly the same then like i said earlier, i fed my ds till he was 14mths and loved every minute of it and was so so glad i stuck with it