The haves and the have nots......

[fatnfedup]

And I don't mean money.

I've came to the conclusion the world of having small childern isn't split between the SAHM or the WORKING mum.
Oh no.
It's split between those who have non-elderly parents/ sisters/brothers nearby who can take the kids off your hands even for a few hours to give the exhausted and worn out parents a break...and those who don't and never have time together during the day or weekend as a couple, who have to go out separately and who have never sat and read a Sunday paper in 7 years.

I've got a neighbour who claims children are a breeze, always has her hair done and make-up too, wears loads of trendy clothes and looks at me with a look of amazement when I seem to be having a hard day (most of the time...). And I look at her as she is driving away from her parents with only her and her dh in the car, away for another childfree weekend/Sunday lunch/dinner together without a care.

It's not fair. I love my dh but we never have any time together as I can't afford a childminder or babysitter. So we're just going through the motions now instead of being as close as we once were. Don't get me wrong, I adore my kids but I want time with my dh and we never get it

[Davros]

amen jimjams!

[suedonim]

Haven't read all the replies but I'm in the have-not category and was often completely on my own when dh was working away for two weeks at a time. But I never felt bitter at anyone else being one of the haves - that's life, isn't it?

And I agree that some people cope better than others but I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with extra help. I have a friend with five children under 12 (and a dog!) and she is a wonderwoman yet her family are all 5,000 miles away in the US. She's just very organised and energetic, something I don't have in my nature, sadly!

[Jimjams]

My mum has the kids as already explained, in fact she comes in every day to help out with bath and bed and ds1 after school. But I haven't had lunch with my husband since before II was pregnant with ds3 (now 3 months), and I can't remember us ever having lunch together before - since having kids.

I get my haircut at night when the kids are in bed.

It's very easy to assume that everyone has it better than you- I oiften find myself thining "they have normal kids what the hell have they got to moan about, they don't kinow what it is like" blah blah blah, but it is not a healthy way to be. It is not a happy way to be. And everyone has their own problems.

[fatnfedup]

jampots, I sympathize with you.
I guess I'm just having a moan. It was seeing my neighbour dumping, sorry dropping off her kids with her mother again at the weekend and my dh was in town himself having a bit of peace and I'd have loved to have been able to join him for a wander together and lunch but of course couldn't.
I feel I can always tell the mums who have regular family help with the kids, they are more relaxed and have time to get their hair done/ lunch with dh or friends etc and the mums who always look worn out and a bit stressed are the ones with no outside help and the kids 24/7.

[jampots]

fatnfedup - im in the same position. Dh's parents live abroad but to be honest when they are over here they never have the kids - they barely speak to them. My parents are both dead. I have 2 sisters who dont babysit and dh has none. We never go out as a couple so tend to go out to lunch when dh is home during the day. We never go out for our wedding anniversary, birthdays, valentines day, etc. and there's always one of our two children at home (usually ds). It gets very wearing knowing that regardless of how you feel there is no-one who will take the children and ease the burden. All of my friends rely on their own parents to babysit so consequently they are not in need of forming a babysitting circle and we cant afford babysitters either although wouldnt leave my kids with sometime I and they didnt know. Its no good teaching them not to talk to strangers then inviting one into the house to look after them IMO

[WestCountryLass]

Most of my friends are childless and the one friend that has kids has gt a 5 and a 12 year old and she works full time now. My Mum lives in Spain and my Dad lives in Dorset, my MIL is dead and my FIL could not cope having them on his own.

I knew it would be like this but I too would love to go away for the weekend with my DH when my DD is older and 'leavable', it ain't gonna happen! My DD sleeps through the night but my 3.5 yr old has never slept through all night Some kids just don't sleep through no matter what you do!

Whilst I would really appreciate a ahelping in ahnd every now and then for the most part I am glad that I don't have the interference.

[WestCountryLass]

Most of my friends are childless and the one friend that has kids has gt a 5 and a 12 year old and she works full time now. My Mum lives in Spain and my Dad lives in Dorset, my MIL is dead and my FIL could not cope having them on his own.

I knew it would be like this but I too would love to go away for the weekend with my DH when my DD is older and 'leavable', it ain't gonna happen! My DD sleeps through the night but my 3.5 yr old has never slept through all night Some kids just don't sleep through no matter what you do!

Whilst I would really appreciate a ahelping in ahnd every now and then for the most part I am glad that I don't have the interference.

[Frizbe]

Have you tried getting the kids to stay in their rooms until say 8am? We did this with ss, we brought him a colour coded clock, off the internet (I can list the details if you like) if he woke in the red zone, he had to stay in bed, amber, he could get up and play in his room, green he could come into see us! Within two weeks of him getting this we were getting an extra two hours in bed at the weekend, how marvelous! I do recommend it!

[Jimjams]

Agree that its a case of the grass being greener.

We moved to be near my parents -- they provide us with invaluable support. My mum has all 3 kids. But she's the only person we have who can cope with ds1 (severely autistic) - she will remain the only person who can cope with him other than us for a long time. He will require a lot of supervision (full time? quite possibly) until he goes into residential care- hopefully as an adult- I really want him at home as a child. So time for "us" is pretty non-existent. Family days out are pretty impossible as are family holidays - we are going away without ds1 in June- not faer - just 20 miles down the road- to give us all - and especailly ds2 a break. We can do that because of my Mum. but to be honest I'd swap her help for ds1 notto have his problems in the first place.

It is very very very easy to get bitter. But bitterness is not a healthy characteristic. I remind myself- that OK we have a lot of hassle compared to many, but we have a strong marriage (just as well really!) and allthough ds1 is severely autistic he has a lovley disposition (when he's not headbanging walls that is) and we have many blessings. I try not to do bitter- although sometimes I fail. I'm happier when I'm not bitter though.

I've foound craving something you can't have too be aroad to unhappiness. I've given up on the idea of a family pub meal as not being able to have it was driving me to distraction.

[WideWebWitch]

Well, if you spend all evening every evening putting kids to bed (why does it take 1.5 hours bellababe? My 2 take half an hour or sometimes 45 mins and that's with stories and bath but maybe you've got more children?!) and then spend ages doing chores then life will be absolute misery I think, of course it will! If your day starts at 6am and doesn't finish until, what, 10pm? with the last 3 hours being pure drudgery, blimey, well I'd be fed up too! Fetnfedup, does your dh pull his weight? If not, why not? Could you defer some chores, do lunches in the mornings? I find the ONLY good thing about 6am starts (we have them too) is that there's tons of time in the morning to unload the dishwasher, put washing on, make packed lunches, get breakfasts, go on mumsnet and I'm still completely ready to leave the house at 8.30am! I do think you've got to
a) crack the sleeping with the children. It colours EVERYTHING if you're not getting enough sleep
b) cut down the chores and make sure dh/kids are pulling their weight
c) Consider lowering your standards so less time is spent on chores
c) Sort out a babysitting circle, or, if you can't, budget for a sitter (Sitters are v good and there's a discount through mumsnet by cutting back on something else maybe?
d) Make time for you and dh at home if you can't go out. We sometimes go to bed early with a bottle of wine, I'd recommend that.

I hope there's something in there that helps but obviously, feel free to ignore it if not!

[vict17]

Where do your family live? If it is making you this miserable have you considered moving to be closer to them. Do you really need to work all weekend? I live 3 hours away from my parents, and 6 hours away from my in-laws. I have a good friend at work who babysits every once in a while - she brings her boyfriend and I leave something nice for them to have for dinner and she doesn't ask to be paid. My other siblings who live in the same place as my parents do get babysat for at weekends etc but they don't take the kids for whole days. I think it's easier to accept what you've got, if possible make your life more what you want it to be if you really can't accept it.

[maria1966]

Custardo,just had to say agree with your opinion on coping.Like you i am of the barely coping variety as well and their's nothing to be ashamed of .Admiting it and asking for help takes a lot of guts.
I hate it when my Mil comments on me not coping with my ds and dd,and says what would you do if you had 10.
Really helpful comment,not.

Fatnfedup,i am not a selfish person as far as my children are concerned,but you should'nt feel guilty about wanting some time away from them,for your own well being.

[bellababe]

fatnfedup I absolutely agree.
Last week I was near my inlaws for a few days. ds1 had a temperature and I couldn't take him out and I found that all my medicines were well out of date. And we were half an hour from the nearest shop (literally). For once everything slipped into place and someone was able to get to a chemist for me and my MIL was able to take dd and ds2 off for a couple of hours. (ds2 is 3 and really neeeds entertaining). It was such a simple thing but it chaged my world and I really think that people who have others nearby who can at the very least help out in a crisis really have no idea how lucky they are. I have no family, no neighbours, and while there are people who I would call on if it were a real crisis (ie chld in hospital or similar) they generally have their hands full with their own families - plus a lot of them do have family nearby so I know the favour would never be reciprocated.

I also have early risers. And the chores in the evening are non-negotiable. It takes me 1.5 hours to do the bedtime thing, then they are down for the night at about 7, 7.15, then I have to start clearing up, cook for dh, do the lunches, and all the things I haven't had time or space to do during the day. I am damn grumpy by the time I do sit down and dh and I barely talk to each other. Plus, haven't had a holiday in four years.

I'm not trying to hijack this post. Just saying I know how it feels and wholeheartedly agree.

[maria1966]

Mud, I not saying that I would want to be without them for a weekend,but knowing the help was their if needed is a comfort.
As for the jelousy,I am coming from the point of view that I lost my parents,and they never got to see my children or I never got to have that relationship with my mother that some new mums have.That is what upsets me ,and is so difficult to accept.

Fatnfedup,you would probably find like i am sure i would that even if we got the chance to have time away from our children we would be worrying about them and itching to get back to them,i know i would

[Tortington]

although i completely understand your POV i think its a touch of "the grass is always greener" syndrome. families dont just turn up to take the kids away for the weekend to give you a break - they are there, constantly with whatever drama comes along. with the " well in my day we didn't do that" and the back handed critisisms.

the truth is - some people cope with kids better than others. i am of the barely coping variety. who despite having my MIL on the same street - never got a babysitter to go out with my dh.

i dont know how old your children are - if you have a baby then ok - they wake up. if your kids are not babies then why are they waking up?

also am not quite sure about your job situation - are you not getting taxed to fck having 3 jobs?

the way i got time alone was to go out without dh. it sounds like you need to get some time for yourself doing a course or going out getting drunk - just one night a fortnight where your dh could sit the kids. you could return the favour.

having kids should come with a warning lable

[sacha3taylor]

Fatnfedup, where abouts in the country are you?

I am in Bath, if you are anywhere near me I would look after your children for you.

[Mud]

I didn't have children so that I could be without them for a weekend or week or however long so no I don't feel jealous

as for babysitters, start a babysitting circle with friends - you do for them, they do for you

[maria1966]

Fatnfedup,I totally agree with you.I have long been of the same opinion.
Most of my neighbours with small children have grandparents visiting all the time,taking them off the parents hands for weekends etc and i have to admit makes me upset and jealous to watch.
My parents died a few years ago and dh's parents live away and even if they did,nt would not be the sort of grandparents we could ask to babysit.They only just tolerate them when we visit.
I know what you mean about spending quality time with your dh,it is really important when you become a mother,as i know i feel like i am a mother,nurse maid,cook,bottlewasher but not a wife or a woman.
Like you my children would have a problem with staying away for a night from me.
For me even though i know i don't have the support around me i think some people take it for granted and it must be nice to know if you ever need it, their is support there for you means a lot.
How old are your children?
Have you parents or in laws nearby?

[MaryP0p1]

We begged my mil to have ours this weekend so we can pack for our move. She agreed begrudgely and when we collected then less than 24 hours later with her in a fowl mood with them.

I had said DS1 (age3) v tired needs to go to bed soon. 3 hours later went to be and up at normal time (6am). She won't take them out during the day even though she lives by the sea and then wonders why they fight like cat and dog and ds1 is in a very distructive mood. My children are used to doing something every day.

Its going to take me at least 2 days to get himback to normal and we that kind of support I think I'd rather cope on my own.

[WideWebWitch]

Hi fatnfedup, could you say sod it to the chores at least a couple of evenings a week? Get the children to clear the table/tidy/hoover (I don't know how old they are but my 7yo can hoover perfectly well) so that once they're in bed you can spend some time together, get a bottle of wine, cook a nice meal, watch a dvd? If I was bothered about the state of my house I'd have less time with dp in the evening, it's true. But there you go, we live in a mess most of the time but we're happy! Also, why aren't they sleeping? How old are they? I do know how awful it is when they don't sleep, my baby is only JUST sleeping through at 16mos but it seems to me you really need to sort this out or you will be constantly knackered. I do know it's easier said than done but you could alway start a thread for advice. I got loads of ideas, which really helped.

[tortoiseshell]

I really notice the lack of grandparents to help out - our parents are 140 and 300 miles away, and neither sets like travelling! I think it would make a real difference to be able to take them to grandparents for a few hours - just to be able to get something done!

[fatnfedup]

Good idea but I work Saturdays and Sundays...

[NotQuiteCockney]

I don't really use family to take the kids - DS2 is too young (6 months). I do trust my in-laws to take DS1, but not for more than a few hours, he's only 3.5. We have a neighbour who will certainly take them both for short times when DS2 is bigger.

Now that DS1 is three, though, I'm finding swaps with other parents easier and easier. I'm happy to have a spare three-year-old, it's not actually any more work than just having DS1. And then the other parent can take DS1 at some point (or not, whatever!).

Depending on your kids' ages and temperaments, I'm sure you could get a Saturday off this way.