Do you ever let your children out of your sight? (follow on thread from the Under what circumstances...)

[thesleepingbeauty]

Sorry, but I think it was getting a bit confusing.
The original post (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/67/617524) generated a lot of discussion, but what I found most interesting was the idea that some parents do not let their children out of their sight at all, even around the house.

Mine is often playing in his room or living room (or bathroom!) while I am cooking / cleaning/ on the loo etc which means there are times, often minutes, in which I cannot see him, and in which, technically, anything could happen.

Is this neglectful? I thought it was normal.

[Dotsie]

giving (slightly older) kids responsibilities is so important. if i want something from the local shop, either i'll leave dd (10) and ds1 (9), and go myself, or send one of them. it's no big deal. when the post office was there too (closed recently, grrr) they'd post parcels or me too. they loved sending parcels to usa etc!
i have left them to take/fetch their dad to/from work in the past (gone maybe 15 mins), and as they are both quite sensible, i have no problem with this. however, i always take my mobile, they know how to ring me on speed-dial, i lock the door, but leave a key in it. the biggest likely hood is that i return to find the kitchen covered in cereal where they've been arguing over it. other than that, it's fine.
we live in a "what if..." society these days, and it can be taken too far. I certainly don't supervise them 24/7!
ds2 is a little different as he's only 8 1/2 months, but i'll leave him alone in the living room while i wash up etc. it's not a huge house, and now he can crawl, he usually comes to find me anyway!
(I wouldn't leave ds2 with dd and/or ds1 unless i'm around somewhere nearby btw)

[Bramshott]

Yes I think you're right Cory - with an older child certainly it is better to leave them while they're awake than asleep. I would leave DD1 (5.5) while I go to the postbox (which is in our road) with strict injunctions not to answer the phone or the door while I am gone. I would not leave her asleep though if DH were out - even to do the same trip. DD2 on the other hand, I probably would leave to go to the post box if she were asleep (2 mins max, I can see the house the whole time) as she's still in her cot.

[cory]

You'd go mad if you couldn't!

I wouldn't leave the house with a sleeping child in it and go for a drive (which was being discussed on one recent thread), but then I wouldn't do that with an older child either if they were asleep. I think it's an important issue of trust not to sneak away and not tell them. But that is a totally different question to needing to see them all the time.

[Tolalola]

Ooh this seems a bit strange to me, but maybe it's different living in the tropics...DS is 9 months and I very often leave him to play in the living room with gates across the doorways while I get on with other stuff in the bathroom, study, kitchen, laundry room etc. I will go out into the garden if I need to without a second thought. The doors are always open and our house is small so I could hear him if he yelled.

If I want a shower I have one - I leave the door open so he can come and visit if he feels like it - he sometimes just climbs in and sits on the floor getting soaked...

[Bramshott]

I am aware that I let DD2 (18 months) out of my sight in the house a lot more than I did with DD1 at a similar age.

I am often amazed by people who maintain that they can't have a shower with the kids in the house unless their DH is there to mind them. I have always just got in the shower and both kids potter about upstairs (we have a stair gate) while I am doing it.

[SoupDragon]

BabyDragon is often asleep in her room whilst I'm 200 ft away at the end of the garden. I can see her window but that's not much use unless she's climbing out of it really.

[PrettyCandles]

I encourage my LOs to get on with stuff out of my sight - but within safe boundaries, say at home or in the garden, or at friends' houses. I periodically check up on the youngest, but that's because he's a walking disaster zone, the sort that you know is up to no good when he's quiet! He's 23m, so that's to be expected.

In the last 6m I've started sending my just-turned-8yo out on errands to other houses in the close, and letting him and 5yo dd stay at the playground when I've gone home with the baby. They then come home together a little later. Once I'm happy that ds1 can cross roads safely alone, I'll be encouraging him to walk to dd's school from his at collection time, rather than wait for me to pick him up after I've picked her up.

It's important to ease the children into independance. If you never allow them the opportunity to take a degree of risk, how will they understand the need to keep safe or be able to judge whether to take a risk?

[n5rje]

I didn't see the original thread but this is a subject I've thought a lot about as amongst my friends I seem to allow my DSs a huge amount of freedom.

I don't know if this is because I was brought up in a time when children were "safe" to do more (born in the mid 60s) and so want my children to have the same childhood as I had but I am happy for my older three school age DSs (all under 10) to play pretty much as freely as they wish.
Yes I am lucky that we live in a v quiet area and there are lots of similar age children to play with but its not unusual for me not to see them for hours at the weekend and I certainly don't check up on them if they are in a different room on the house.
I am consistently told that my children are very independent and I'm not always sure that this meant in a positive way but I don't think its good for our future society for us not to allow our children to learn from their mistakes and make their own decisions.
Terrible things have always happened to children and always will do and I think often the fear of danger well outweighs the actual risk.
We won't all be able to let our children run free but I think they would all benefit from time away from us and alone with their peers.

[annoyingdevil]

I will leave my 2.2 and 3.6 year old for short periods eg in front of Cbeebies whilst I do housework upstairs drink my coffee in bed. They soon scream if they need me.

I also allow them to play alone in the garden (with me glancing out every so often)

[Twelvelegs]

I don't think anyone is saying you need to, literally, watch your child every second. I think it's a little more balanced and many feel as long as you can hear them or see them at a young age then that's okay.
I doubt toddlers unaccompanied in the garden have Mummy or Daddy playing loud music at the front of the house oblivious to all activity.

[wasabipeanut]

I didn't take part in the original thread which is probably just as well.

Obviously people need to parent as they see fit but personally my aim is to encourage my ds to be independent. Much as I'd love to hold him to me 24 hours a day it wouldn't be great for him and he is such a stubborn independent little thing. So yes, I will let him potter with his little wheelbarrow and spade in fully fenced garden while I wash up. I can see him most of the time but not every second.

I also leave him in the living room (as child proofed as it can be)if I need to go upstairs for a minute. There is a theoretical risk he'll climb the sofa and fall off but its not like thats anything new.

I get quite cross with this idea that you are somehow lacking if your kid isn't stapled to you 24 x 7.

[Twelvelegs]

Connor, you've not found ds1 picking up, feeding or pushing DS2 over then? My my you are lucky!!

[ConnorTraceptive]

I leave ds1 (3) and DS2 (7months) alone together in the sitting room quite often, but only for a few minutes at a time. I left them whilst I hung out the washing this morning.

I will leave DS1 to his own devices whilst I feed and put ds2 to sleep and that can be up to 30 minutes.

I leave ds2 on his bedroom floor with toys whilst I have a shower.

DS1 is allowed to play in the garden but I keep doors and windows open so I can hear him and I check on him every five minutes.

I guess it depends on your children I suppose

[jeee]

I left a 3 year old, and nearly 2 year old to their own devices (yes I was in the house), and found they'd put a stool on the loo, a box on the stool, opened a cupboard, got out bathroom cleaner and 3 year old told nearly 2 year old to drink it. I still let my DC run amok too.

[McDreamy]

Around the house and garden yes, out and about no!

No1 rule here - Stay where we can see each other - if you can't see me I can't see you!! DD is 5 and is generally very good but we've had our moments.

[Morloth]

DS is 4 and has free run of the house/tiny garden. I make sure the front door and side gate are locked so he can't get out.

Don't like for him to be out of my sight when we are out and about though, but he is pretty good at sticking close in any case.

VAAAAST difference between kids pottering around their home with an adult around and leaving a baby asleep in a cot in the middle of the night - not even comparable situations IMO.

Ripeberry is right, when it goes quite around here I know something is up, that means he is concentrating.

[Ripeberry]

My DD1 and DD2 have the run of the house and the garden. I need to get on with things and they entertain themselves.
It's when they go QUIET that you have to worry .
DD1 will go out around the estate with her friend and his sisters (DD1 is 6yrs old, friend 7yrs old) and all the kids look out for each other.
But i won't let DD2 (aged 3yrs) out with them as she has a habit of just marching off by herself.
And to think at the age of 7yrs i used to be out in the woods by myself sometimes ALL day in the 1970's.
If kids over 3yrs old can't have freedom in their own house and garden then it's very sad.

[SaintRiven]

what ages we talking here? From 6 mine played out the front, from 8 walked to the shops. From 11 went camping with friends and also caught buses places.

[Bubbaluv]

My 1yo scampers about all over the place by himself. The house pretty well baby proofed by now and he shouts if he needs/wants me.
He loves wondering around the garden chattering to himself and laughing at insects, pointing at birds etc but if I'm right there with him his focus is on me.
I have a friend who has never let her boys out of her/the nanny's sight and persoanlly I feel they have very poor problem solving skills and are overly reliant on her to reassure them all the time.
Where is my DS btw??

[FILLYJONKhasayarnshopASBO]

oh god yes. I even let them out of my sight when we are not even in the house, in a safe environment.

I really think it is better that they learn to take care of themselves, are confident dealing with adults who aren't their parents, etc, gradually and at a young age. This way, if for any reason they DO find themselves alone temporarily, they should be ok. I am very confident that if they got lost in a store they would have the wherewithal to go and ask someone on the tills, and no one else.

I would, for example, let ds go to the loo alone in our local coffee shop (where he knows pretty much everyone), he quite often goes and buys things for himself even if it means being out of sight for a moment, etc.

Ds is 5 and dd2 is 3 and they are confident and assertive (where necessary!) with strangers. They also both have an excellent spatial sense, and basically don't get lost. I have no idea if this is because of their early neglect training but it does make it possible to give them some independence.

There are serious risks associated with not allowing children to develop independence, imo.

[Elkat]

Yes. I do. I believe in children having freedom and independence (so long as they know the rules). My eldest DD (almost 5) I now let her walk to her childminder's house alone. It is four houses away, but on the next road (we live second house into the road, and she lives second house before the bend). I will send her on errands, just to try and give her some independence... that said, we have been working on the green cross code for a long time, and she knows all about road safety etc (she even tells me off!). Also, if we go into a large store (like a mothercare world) I let her run off to the ELC section whilst I browse because I know she knows the rule that she is not to leave the shop without me. I am confident that she is inherently a sensible child (and I appreciate that not all children are), so I am able to give her that little bit more freedom, and she flies with it.

My DD2 is almost 2. She needs a bit more supervision, but as the house is baby-proofed, I am happy to leave her in the playroom whilst I am upstairs or whatever. She knows to come to me if there is a problem.

I think at the end of the day, it is all about values. Personally, I am a very independent person, and so I value independence ... and want to give my children that. Therefore, I probably take risks that other mums find uncomfortable. I know I do in RL... for example, I let my DD1 run further on ahead than many of my friends do... because I want to trust her judgement, not saying I'm right and they're wrong, just we have different values. We all need to do what we're comfortable with, because everyone views it all differently!

[FanjolinaJolly]

Oh,that is a bit different,then.I really wouldn't leave the dcs alone in the house by themselves.

[MrsMertle]

can I just clarify that in the orginal thread sleeping beauty is talking about leaving her 18 month old baby alone in the house while her husband goes to pick her up after a night out.

that is a lot different than your children being in a different room from you

[pinata]

i don't think i could get anything done WITHOUT letting dd out of my sight - she is nearly 10 months. go in the kitchen while she's in the living room, i pop upstairs to the loo...

living room is fairly baby proof so i don;t think it's a problem for a minute or 2, especially if she's busy doing something

i also leave her in her highchair after lunch sometimes so i can hang the washing out, which takes about 10 minutes. would obviously not leave her crawling about for this length of time on her own

i think watching her at all times would be completely impossible, and actually it's safer for her in the living room than the kitchen

[hifi]

agree hrm.