Babysitter Incident

[dixia]

We had a really nasty experience last night. We have been using the
daughter of a good friend of ours as a babysitter. She is 15. We used her lots
last year, without incident. Then we were away for 9 months. Since we came back she has been coming every week (or twice a week) since we arrived back in December. My son (2) always screams
when she comes, and I mean really screams. He clings onto me for dear life.
Now, he is going through a very clingy time, and doesn't like anyone
touching him really, apart from the people he knows well. We put his
behaviour down to the fact that he relates the coming of the babysitter to us leaving, which is why he is so upset. Last night, the
same reaction happened. I was due to go and meet my partner at a juggling
convention (where he was already), about 30kms outside Malaga. After
leaving the flat I decided to listen outside the door to see what
transpired. The babysitter has always said that he has calmed down within 5 minutes
of us leaving. I wanted to check. So I waited. He screamed. She told him
to shut up. He was clearly in a different part of the house from her. She
told him to shut up again. Then she went into the front room (he was in his
room at the back), turned on some music, and turned the volume up really
loud (you could have heard it down the street). Then she went onto the
balcony and had a fag, leaving him crying in his room. Obviously, this was
too much for me and I stormed in and told her what I thought of her and her
'child care' methods. I spent 40 minutes having it out with her. She was
very apologetic and I know I got through to her. I calmed my son down and
told her exactly what I wanted her to do. Then I left and went to get my partner.
We both came back straight away. She was reading to him in his room and he
was fine. We sent her home and rang her dad, our friend, and told him what
had happened. So the question is, what do we do now? Part of me doesn't
want her to ever look after him again, because no matter what I think is
happening, I don't know. But part of me thinks that she should be given
another chance. I guess if we decide that, we will have to set very clear
parameters and keep checking on her for a bit. It goes without saying that
I don't want to put my son in a bad situation, with someone 'looking after
him' who isn't treating him properly. But I'm not sure that this will be
the case again.

We don't have many other options for babysitters. We had her because we know her family very well. I know her Dad will talk to her too (they have a good relationship), he is a very good father.

I feel guilty about leaving her at all last night. I wish I had told her to go home straight away, don't know why I didn't. Emotional reaction,not thinking clearly? Benefit of hindsight.

So what do you reckon? What should I do?

[Newyearmum]

Dixia
You are not a bad parent! We all take a chance when we leave our kids with anyone else but it has to be done.

Personally however I definitely wouldn't use her again...

1. I agree with those you say that you can't give someone a second chance when it comes to your kid.
   
   
2. your son doesn't like her
   
   
3. she's shown that emotionally she's not mature enough to deal with the responsibility (I'm sure some 15 y/o are though)

[juniperdewdrop]

OMG no way would I leave her with him again I remember being 15 clearly and would never have treated a 2 year old baby like that. Haven't read all the replies btw, was just adding my opinion. It must be hard for you dixia but I hope you can find someone more caring.

[vess]

I agree - I think it would be a bit of a shock to a child to wake up at night and find someone else, and his parents missing!
Don't know what to say about what that girl did, though...obviously awful, but at least she didn't get angry with him and hurt him or something...
A friend of mine left her daughter with me when she was about two, for one and a half hour - and she cried (very loudly) the whole time (!). Nothing helped - huggs, television, food, ds bringign her toys to play with - nothing! And it's not like she didn't know me or something (same age as my ds, seen each other often). I had her on my lap most of the time, thinking that would provide at least some comfort, but thinking about it, it wouldn't have made much difference if i had left her in another room - except I would have felt guilty. Sometimes it is better to leave the child to settle on his own, especially if no effort seems to help. But your babysitter should have been checking often if he was ok, which she didn't.
By the way, my friend's girl grew out of the clingy stage a few month afterwords and was perfectly happy to be left.

[Caligula]

Dixia you're not a poor parent. You had bad luck with a babysitter, that's all. And no real harm done. And it's very nice of you to have even considered the girl's feelings!

[Blu]

caligula is right - and listen up everyone - Dixia said way down that she isn't going to leave him with this girl again until she has grown into it.
Dixia - what happens is that once a thread grows a bit, people tend to just post their answer to your q without reading through the whole thread - you weren't being nagged!

2.4 is a really clingy age - they are v conscious of the whole separation thing - but if you can leave him with someoen he knows, the cahnces are that the fuss will only last for a minute ot two once you leave. Espweciallyy if you can find someone who has the confidence to do a really good energetic cuddle and distract routine!

I agree with you about having the sitter around before they go to bed - I think it would be really scary for them to wake and find a stranger, or even if it's someone they know, that Mummy and Daddy have gone unexpectedly.

Good luck with finding a new sitter.

[KarenThirl]

Dixia, please don't beat yourself up over this. You used a family friend and made all the right checks, but in the end it didn't work out. There was nothing you could have done differently to avoid what's happened. But now that you know you can't trust her and that your son doesn't like being left with her, I think it's time to consign the experience to the past and move on. You'll find someone else, I'm sure.

[AussieSim]

Don't feel bad Dixia. In defence of teenage babysitters, I have an absolutely fabulous girl 16, with 3 younger brothers who lives right next door. I used to get her around and let them play for a bit and then put DS (2) in bed before going out, but I soon realised that she was quite capable of handling it. He loves her, which I think is a great indication of the good job she is doing. DH and I are lucky to get a wave of the hand as we head out the door as he is so busy reading books or playing with his train track with her. She always tells me if she has to resettle him later in the evening.

On the other hand I babysat once when I was 20 with no previous experience of kids and was absolutely terrible. It was a 3yo girl and a 5 yo boy, the girl was so lovely and the boy was such a prat and I had no clue of how to get him to bed and I hate to think back on that evening. Understandably I wasn't asked back. Anyway, just illustrating that it is not necessarily a matter of age.

[Tortington]

i was just on another thread about some mumsnetters being sanctimonious. and i realise that when something seems fairly straight in your mind and you write it down - it can come out as " how dare you be so utterly stuuuupid" so didnt mean for my post to sound that way - sorry.

and actually you bought up a good point about introducing your babysitter to your child before they go to bed - once i certainly hadn't thought of. i would still make sure if possible that ym kids were asleep though.

an example - my mum used to come and sit the kids during the holidays whilst we were at work - my kids were then 10 and 13. my mum is 63 and couldnt run after them - shout loudly or anything. i packed the kids lunches for the day and gave them breakfast - so mum didnt have to cook anything - hen icooked tea when i came home

my mum was only their incase someone set fire to the house, flooded out the bathroom, tortured each other ...etc. she was there to phone me in case of an emergency.

i use my 15 year old son to babysit whilst i go and get slaughtered down the local pub. he gets the 12 year olds in bed at 10 - so he can watch what he wants on the telly and he gets a curry when we come home - not becuase he is responsible and wonderful at all!

so albeit slightly diferent i also use a teenage babysitter - a resource i wouldnt do without