Babysitter Incident

[dixia]

We had a really nasty experience last night. We have been using the
daughter of a good friend of ours as a babysitter. She is 15. We used her lots
last year, without incident. Then we were away for 9 months. Since we came back she has been coming every week (or twice a week) since we arrived back in December. My son (2) always screams
when she comes, and I mean really screams. He clings onto me for dear life.
Now, he is going through a very clingy time, and doesn't like anyone
touching him really, apart from the people he knows well. We put his
behaviour down to the fact that he relates the coming of the babysitter to us leaving, which is why he is so upset. Last night, the
same reaction happened. I was due to go and meet my partner at a juggling
convention (where he was already), about 30kms outside Malaga. After
leaving the flat I decided to listen outside the door to see what
transpired. The babysitter has always said that he has calmed down within 5 minutes
of us leaving. I wanted to check. So I waited. He screamed. She told him
to shut up. He was clearly in a different part of the house from her. She
told him to shut up again. Then she went into the front room (he was in his
room at the back), turned on some music, and turned the volume up really
loud (you could have heard it down the street). Then she went onto the
balcony and had a fag, leaving him crying in his room. Obviously, this was
too much for me and I stormed in and told her what I thought of her and her
'child care' methods. I spent 40 minutes having it out with her. She was
very apologetic and I know I got through to her. I calmed my son down and
told her exactly what I wanted her to do. Then I left and went to get my partner.
We both came back straight away. She was reading to him in his room and he
was fine. We sent her home and rang her dad, our friend, and told him what
had happened. So the question is, what do we do now? Part of me doesn't
want her to ever look after him again, because no matter what I think is
happening, I don't know. But part of me thinks that she should be given
another chance. I guess if we decide that, we will have to set very clear
parameters and keep checking on her for a bit. It goes without saying that
I don't want to put my son in a bad situation, with someone 'looking after
him' who isn't treating him properly. But I'm not sure that this will be
the case again.

We don't have many other options for babysitters. We had her because we know her family very well. I know her Dad will talk to her too (they have a good relationship), he is a very good father.

I feel guilty about leaving her at all last night. I wish I had told her to go home straight away, don't know why I didn't. Emotional reaction,not thinking clearly? Benefit of hindsight.

So what do you reckon? What should I do?

[Amanda3266]

Hi dixia,

What a difficult situation. Personally I wouldn't use her again. Her actions showed that she's not yet mature enough to cope with the stress of a crying child - that will come in time but she's not ready yet. As another option, could her father sit round with her when she babysits? Her being paid but him on hand for support if she needs it. I can understand that you want to give her a second chance but in my opinion she's just not able to handle the reality that sometimes children are difficult.

[duster]

I think it's admirable to want to give her a second chance, but I don't think I'd be so trusting. I'd be thinking, well she seems to have changed, but how do I know?
I would worry that the previous maltreatment (is that a word?) of your son would override the 'new' her,and he still would howl when left with her.
FWIW, I used to work in a Montessori school and a lot of our younger children would be very distressed when Mum or Dad etc left. We had a policy of calling to let them know when thier child had calmed down. There was a lot of this at the start of new intake terms! Most children settled down within minutes and within the first few weeks.There was one case, while I was there, when a little boy continued to be very upset all afternoon. After half a term of this, the parents withdrew him. A good decision, I thought.
Find another babysitter.

[Dahlia]

I definitely wouldn't use her again, I wouldn't be able to relax at all. She sounds too immature. We have used several teenage babysitters for several years and they have all been brilliant, so I don't think age is necessarily an issue, a babysitter of 30 could just as easily leave a baby crying. But if she can behave like that as soon as you have gone out, what would she have been like if you hadn't heard her and you'd gone out and your baby had carried on crying?

[Caligula]

I think Blu has said it really well.

I don't think her age is the problem (I also used to babysit from the age of 13 onwards and I would have been able to cope with an accident), but it's her attitude. She is simply not mature enough or positive enough about the whole babysitting experience to risk leaving your child with her.

You're not responsible for her feelings, but if you do want to take them into account you could tell her DF that she's welcome to come and play with DS when you're there. You can always use her age as an excuse if it gets a bit awkward (just say that this incident has made you re-think the advisability of using a 15 year old).

[dixia]

I think you are probably right, caligula. I don't think it will be an issue to 'take them into account' as both her and her father understand that what she did was wrong, and that it's her that should be taking us into account really.

I would like to let her continue to see my son. But, until I have complete trust in her (maybe when she is a bit older), I don't think that I can leave her with him.

wickedwaterwitch, I did mean that she thinks my son hates her - and can't deal with that.

I imagine she just doesn't have enough experience of young children to be able to differentiate their emotions from those of an older person with more rationality and less instinct.

[tigermoth]

dixia, just adding my 2ps worth to the rest.

I think you need to check how your son is when left with another babysitter. I know you say it's difficult to find others, but assuming it's not impossible, I think that's the first thing you should do.

You must be guided by your son's reactions and your gut feeling and when you try out a new babysitter, pop back unexpectedly to help check things are ok. I think at the very least you need to find out how your son settles down with someone else. It could be that your son is upset being left with anyone, but unless you are absolutely sure about your present babysitter, I think you should say goodbye to her for now. The risk is not worth it.

I agree with Blu, it sounds like this particular 14 year old is just not ready to take sole responsiblity. Just because she is good with children does not mean she can cope alone. As blu says, stopping her babysitting now could prevent her from feeling a failure. You could see how she is in a year or so's time, perhaps ask her again when she's grown up a bit. Also, once your ds is a couple of years older, he will be more able to tell you about his evening with his babysitter - a major plus.

If you are really worried she and her father will get upset, is there any way she can do some very occasional mother's help like duties (entertaining your ds while you do housework) while you are around? You don't have to use her very much, just do this as a softener. It also gives you a chance to see how she is changing.

I have used teenage babysitters, with their parents on hand close by for emergencies. Usually things have been ok. However, one girl was not ok. As well as refusing to change ds, she stole a couple of very special pieces of jewellery. As the family were friends of ours, dh and I just couldn't believe she would do this and we hunted for months before admitting to ourselvs that 'x' had done it. The girl was going through a very troubled time. Dh metioned it to her father, he asked her and she admitted it. By then the jewellery was long gone

[joash]

Don't give her the time of day, let alone another chance.
Agree with much of what's been said here - even though I used to have to babysit as a teenager - teenagers are much too young to take on this sort of responsibility (and, I'm not trying to make you feel any worse than you already do, but,you are legally responsible if anything happens to the child in the babysitters care - not them. God forbid, but, If your child did get hurt in the siters care - you could be prosecuted).

[dixia]

Its very sad about your jewellery. She must have been pretty troubled. I think it is sometimes really hard to tell when teenagers (or anyone come to that) is going through a hard or life-changing time.

Don't need to worry about softening it. She'll be ok. I will still see her regularly. Her step-mum is our other babysitter (and is fantastic!! he loves her by the way) but she only really does it at her house. We use her when we need to during the day and he goes over and 'helps' with the household jobs. He sees step-daughter there too, but largely ignores her.

I think I wont use her again. At least for now. Thanks so much for all your advice and helpful comments. It helps to get a tricky and emotional situation into perspective. Lets face it - he is fine. Nothing serious has happened to him while in her care. Things could be a lot worse. I can now try to find alternative solutions for the future.

I think I may not leave him at all for a little while. Do you think he will grow out of reactions to being left? He is 2 and 4 months at the moment. He is very cuddly and always wanting to be held and carried. It is lovely, but not when I'm doing the washing up. How long is this likely to last? Any ideas to make him less clingy & Mummy-minded?

[WestCountryLass]

I think the trust has been broken and you will alwasy worry. Find another sitter.

[chipmonkey]

Find another sitter, teenagers are always sorry and apologetic, then they'll do the same thing again. its not worth making your ds unhappy.

[happymerryberries]

I once had a babysitter who I initaily thought a lot of. She was 16, I knew her mother, a trained nursery nurse, and the mother was always 500yards away incase of problems when the girl was baby sitting. I once came home to find that the girl had invited (without first asking me) her boyfriend to the house. I asked the boy to leave and explained to the girl that their was not satisfactory. I also had a chat with the mum, who was very annoed at her daughter and was very applologetic. I could never ask the girl to baby sit again

[MancMum]

if you kept her on would you ever enjoy yourself when you were out... doubt it! Sack her now and if it means staying in for a bit whilst looking for a new one, time well spent for everyone's emotional well being, I think!

[SeaShells]

It's such a shame but I think the damage has been done, regardless of whether she realises her behaviour was wrong, is your DS going to react any differently next time she babysits and if not how is she going to deal with it.
I think your DS has grown to associate her arriving with you leaving and is going to scream and cry whenever she babysits, she has already proved that she doesn't react well to this behaviour, so unless your DS settles and feels comfortable with you not being there, I can't see how she can babysit for you in future.

[SleepyJess]

I wouldn't use her again. I was a teenager babysitter.. but a very responsible one. I used to look forward to putting the kids to bed and having peace and quiet in the house on my own.. or having a friend round.. or even my boyfriend.. but the people I babysit for were fine with this. I wasn't a 'perfect teenager' by any means.. but I always put the kids first. I would have expected to be 'fired' if I hadn't been.

I agree it's a bit pot-luck with teenagers.. but you can get some very good ones. I also agree, no second chances though.. not where your children are concerned.

SJ x

[KarenThirl]

I wouldn't use a teenage babysitter myself. My ds has only ever been left with grandparents or on one occasion an adult friend, and he was asleep the whole time. His safety is too valuable to me to risk on someone who might not take the appropriate care.

[charleypops]

Sounds like she was really stressed out by your ds's crying and she was trying to block the sound out by turning the music up loud and calm her nerves by having a fag. To me this is not a good sign in a babysitter. It's selfish and shows a lack of empathy which a teenager either has, or doesn't have, it's instinctive. I did a bit of sitting at that age, but would never have done this. I'd get rid, like someone else said, how are you going to relax when you do go out?

The phoning round nurseries to see if anyone would like to make a bit of extra cash sounds like a great idea.

Good luck whatever you decide to do

[SleepyJess]

Surely she hadn't had TIME to get that stressed?! The original post gives the impression that Dixia hadn't been waiting/listening that long when it happened. Either way, bad sign.. but worse if she automatically behaved that way. Sounds like she just couldn't be bothered to give him any attention.

SJ x

[Tortington]

at 15 you dont automatically have the techniques of a parent or the experiences and we often leave our children with a teenage sitter and especially with young children - how the hell are they supposed to know what to do - lets face it - for a 15 year old its a way of getting money - if they can do it by turning up the music and ignoring the problem - they will.

so if you are going to use her again i would put my son in bed before i went out and then the sitter should be used in case of emergency.

i dont think - knowing that you have a child who gets distressed around other people that you should have left him with someone he would get distressed around! easy to say in hindsight though.

if you use a sitter again. make sure your son is asleep. and think about all the 14/15 year olds you know and how responsible they are and how well they cope in foreign situations. then just use the sitter as a "body" to phone the police and you in an emergency.

[happymerryberries]

Only recently have mu baby sitters seen my children as prior to this years they have always been asleep when the baby sitter arrives. They are now 5 and 8 and may well be awake when the sitter arrives but already in bed.

A friend of mine has got them ready for bed and sat for me when I had to got to work for a parents evening and dh was away

[suedonim]

I agree with Custardo that at 14/15 a babysitter is too young for such responsibilities, they don't know how to react to varying situations. I have my own teenager and two other children in their 20's and haven't even left them in charge of their own siblings until they've been 15yo or older!

[dixia]

ok, I now feel quite crap and a poor parent. I left him with her because I trusted her, which she has clearly now broken, but hadn't before. I don't see that there is much difference between leaving your awake child with someone and leaving your asleep child with someone. Surely if you trust a babysitter to look after your children, you trust them to do that whether they are awake or asleep. She used to come round when he was asleep, but I changed that so that she came earlier, because I wanted her to look after him when he was awake. If he woke up while we were out, he would expect to see me if I had put him to bed.

Are the people who only have babysitters for when their children are asleep saying that they never woke up when the sitter was there? If so, you have remarkable children. If not, then your sitter has also looked after your children when they were awake. I don't see the big difference.

Hypothetically and this situation aside, I would rather that he gets to know the sitter while he is still awake, and plays with her, and she puts him to bed. So that if he then later wakes up, he isn't shocked or upset to see her. Am I on my own here?

Sorry about the rant. I know that I made a bad judgement about this girl, and I feel bad about letting it happen. But I trusted her. I thought I knew her well.

[charleypops]

You're so not a bad parent! You cared enough to check her out and to post here in the first place. It's just one of those things - how were you to know? How would any of us know? hope you didn't think I was judging you. I didn't think people were myself? I hope this gets sorted for you soon.

[dixia]

Sorry. Just feeling a bit wobbly and over-emotional. Thanks for your kind words and help.

[Amanda3266]

Oh dixia - don't let it get you down. Your DS is safe and well and you dealt with the situation really sensitively IMO. I occasionally use a 15 year old babysitter too although it's rare that we go out . Usually we just go to the pub up the road with her Mum and Dad for a couple of hours. DS fortunately sleeps like an angel from 6.30pm and hasn't ever woken up while she's there. I've always said to her to ring me if he does and I'll come straight back. She is a sensible girl and I trust her but if I found out that she had behaved in the way your sitter did I'd probably react the same way as you have.

[soapbox]

Dixia - I don't think anyone here was doubting your parenting choices!

I think what they were doing was giving advice for the future. I think there is a clear message that most would not trust this girl again. But the other point being made was that if you are going to use a teenage babysitter - most mums wouldn't like to leave a young teenager to put a baby to bed.

FWIW I do agree - putting a young child to bed is stressful even for us mummies and daddies - it would be even more stressful for a teenager

If you want to leave a child who is awake or who you think has a high chance of waking up, then I would look to use your other older babysitter who it sounds like your DS likes and is happy with.

I think you need to think hard about what will make things less stressful for your baby boy, and even if you could trust this girl again, I doubt very much whether your DS will.