I said a terrible thing to my son.

[AnnBoleyn]

I am a regular and have namechanged, as I'm ashamed.

My DS1 is now 8yrs.

When he was about 5, he was going through an awful period for a couple of months of being nasty to his youger brother and generally rude and difficult to handle.

I told him, probably on 2 occasions, that if he didn't behave then there were poeple you could phone who would come and take him away, so he could live with a new family if if didn't like us (which he didn't seem to much at that time).

He beahaviour was resolved pretty quickly (in fact can't really remember the behaviour only the anger I felt).

He is now a lovely, happy 8yr old, we have a great relationship. We always have really, he's always been a lovely boy with just the odd behaviour blip, which I have handled very badly.

But am a haunted that I could say such a terrible thing.

I asked him if he remembered anything like that being said afew weeks ago and he said he couldn't.

I'm afriad that this will have left a long term effect on him and a belief that he's not really loved or wanted.

Why did I do such a terrible thing?

[EBenes]

I was joking about this with a Scottish friend (I'm Scottish), our mums always said they'd put us in homes and thought it was standard threat, and our English friends were horrified. We always felt loved by our parents and are close to them now and not traumatised.

[reethi96]

My mum always said things like that to me when she was at the end of her tether, I knew that she never meant it and even at a young age I knew that it meant I was really pushing her to her limits.

It obviously isn't the ideal way to parent but we are only human and we all make mistakes.

[suzywong]

have read all the thread now, it is nice to read supportive things like this as I am often in same boat as you, Ann Bolyen.

And boys always love their mums, look at Elvis ( I heard a rumour that he kissed her toes as she lay in her coffin on display)

[suzywong]

I say that to my kids as the ultimate expression of displeasure. I also flesh it out with details of the things I will allow them to pack to take with them and if then I will send them up and down the neighbourhood knocking on doors until someone takes them in.

And I'm not ashamed

[Ledodgy]

My mum once 'took' me to the naughty girl's home with a suitcase when we got to this big house by the Church we went to she made me apologise and gave me another chance! She had Christmas cards in the suitcase and we posted them in friend's houses on the way back. It makes me grin today but didn't at the time!

[cheesesarnie]

ds1 got it in his head that only naughty children go to boarding school but he couldnt say it it was boring school.driving past one,one day when he was being very 'trying' in the car he started crying saying i dont want to go to boring school!we couldnt work out where it had all come from until we told my mum!

[Upwind]

Don't worry! Everything has turned out alright

And PMSL at windygalestoday's account!

[Pinkchampagne]

My mum used to threaten me with childrens home frequently - even pretended to phone them in front of me! She also told me the men in white coats were coming for me, and all day at school the following day, I was waiting for them to suddenly appear & whip me away!
I have grown up semi normal!!

being a parent is tough, and we all do things we regret - I know I do at times. Don't beat yourself up as it sounds like your DS has pretty much forgotten about it now.

[windygalestoday]

anne im exactly the same - i mentioned to my doctor how sad i felt about the boy dying and how i was forever telling my children to be careful and sty safe etc nd that im a bit of a sob bucket and he said its normal i cry at assemblies and everything in fact i used to cry at supermarket sweep if they didnt win!!

i think the reason your son doesnt remeber it is because hes happy secure and loved if he felt he wasnt maybe he would have dwelled on it more?

shitemum i am lmo @ threatening a 2 year old with borstal!!!

[electricbarbarella]

I was threatened with boarding school on many occasions, at the time I really believed it as well, now I think it is funny and that I was a right little madam.

[Shitemum]

My 4 yo regularly threatens the 2 yo with 'borstal'. I think they know when your're winding them up...

[AnnBoleyn]

Oh God, it's commonly used here, honestly.

But I appreciate what you are saying-that in the overall scheme, he is loved and will be alright.

I just wish I'd never said such a thing, I never want him to think I'd ever let him go.

[Mamazon]

I know loads of families where the threat of "naughty childrens home" is commonly used.

its not a big deal honestly.

[hughjarsss]

I was adopted and my dad always told me he was going to put me back in care when I was behaving really badly!

I don't blame him though, I was blardy awful at times!

Oh and I still think he was the best dad I could ever have had.

HTH

[AnnBoleyn]

Windygales, I don't thonk there is anything specific that has happened, but I think I am generally very emotional about childhood. For instance I can't go to a school assembly or sports day without having to seriously hold back the tears, often failing, with overwhelming emotion about how beautiful, innocent and perfect they are.

I also try to hold moments in my memory all the time, thinking 'it'll never be like this again, remember this'.

But not sure if that is just normal, or quite over emotional?

I don't mind you asking at all, an interesting question. Why does ths incident bother me so much years later??

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

My dad threatened me with the naughty girls home all the time.
One time, he even packed some of my stuff in a black bag and dragged me out the car.
It sounds horrible and at the time I was hysterical, but I laugh about it now.

[bogie]

My mum always said things like this to me she used to put me in the car and say she was taking me to the orphanage, she also said the milkman was my real dad She has a strange sense of humor

[Poppychick]

I think you're really giving yourself too much of a hard time over this. Okay so it wasn't a good thing to say but he doesn't remember and it was years ago, everything is fine now. Stop beating yourself up - you are a great mother!

[Morloth]

This was a common threat for us growing up! We knew she didn't really mean it

[allgonebellyup]

i say this to my daughter all the time! sometimes she is so rude, vile/obnoxious and bullying to her younger brother that it is the only thing that makes her listen

[Anna8888]

Several times in my childhood I remember my mother, at the end of her tether, saying "Why have children?" in a totally exasperated way and going out for a drive, leaving me and my sister (still at primary school) alone in the house.

Do I (indeed, did I at the time) feel traumatised? No, because even then I could empathise with exasperation and knew myself that I said things in anger to my mother (I hate you etc) which I really didn't mean.

So don't worry. It's all part and parcel of family life (as long as that level of exasperation is only very occasional).

[windygalestoday]

Ann can i ask without being to pokey nosey - has something happened thats made you very aware of the fragility of childhood? why i ask is because im quite a emotional person nd last year a lovely boy from my sons school was killed in a road accident and since then ive been very aware about getting het up about insignificant stuff and wsting thir childhood away this holiday i made myself cry thinking this might be the last time ds1 came on holiday with us hes nearly 15 and i really am like a lioness protecting her cubs.

[ilovemydog]

It really doesn't sound that bad. Really! Even in anger, at least you gave DS a choice - i.e. start behaving a bit better or....

I was convinced I was adopted when I was growing up. there was a photo of me in an orphanage, so I assumed I was adopted, although my parents never mentioned anything...

Turned out that the photo was taken for one of my dad's newspaper stories (he was a journalist) and it was illegal to take photos of orphans,so they used me.

Still not sure I believe that story

[AnnBoleyn]

That is one thing I do do Blu. I don't have any problems with apologising to my children or admitting when I'm wrong.

For instance, about an hour ago I was doing some reading with DS2 who is struggling with this, phone was ringing, I shouted to Ds1 to answer it, it rang and rang, I called again, it went to answer phone, I heard it was a friend with a message I needed to get, so left ds2 and ran into kitchen to find Ds1 just looking at the phone, I shouted in frustration 'why didn't you answer it?'.

After I finished the call I went and found DS1 upstairs and asked him calmly why he hadn't done what I'd asked, he said he felt shy answering the phone, I said I was sorry for shouting and that I know how horrible it is to feel shy sometimes, and we had a cuddle.

I am quite an emotional person, and freely express extremes of emotion, good and bad. But will talk about what goes wrong.

I guess I'm just so sad, and sorry I ever said that to him.

[Blu]

Actually, having raised it with him would explicitl tel him what you just wrote then about love and anger, et, and that once you remember being soangry that you said that, but you didn't mean it then and you don't mean it now, and whatever he had ever done, you would never thin of such a thing.

I am an oldest child (which may or may not be relevant) and y (very good ) mother occasionally threatened children's home, which i thought was a slight possibility as I knew she used to work in one. Also my g'mother once thretened to swap me for 'a nice little girl who does want her hair washed'- also a possiility in mind as hair washing seemed to be such a big deal to adults

I have always felt 'temporary' or dispensible - I think that people think I am good at my job' (usually they seem to) until they find out the real truth, which could happen at any moment', that relationships are not gurnteed etc. Maybe I was affected by the things I was told because I had that srt of personality anyway...of course I have known since I was a tiny bit older than when it was said that in no way would she have sent me away!

But I really don't think you should beat yourself up or be unduly anxious - the fact that you are sensitive to it kind of proves that you are not a parent who would make thier child feel insecure. We all (everyone i know, anyway) experience the anger - and the love - you so eloquently descibe.

But I think the premise of any relationshi, really is that if you feel you did or said something wrng, then SAY so..acknowldgement is a magic eraser.