separation anxiety - mine! some words of comfort please...

[damnfinefilly]

I'm living in the States and today I'm flying home to the UK without dh and my 2 dc's - ds (4) and dd (1). I have to go to spend time with my best friend who recently had a stillbirth - I couldn't get back for the funeral and feel it's important to be there for her now.

Anyway, dh and I decided that it would be easiest if I went on my own and now the time has come, I'm a wreck! I have left them before for the odd night (like, once or twice with the IL's) but I've only been down the road from them, and the thought of flying across the Atlantic and being so far is making me feel sick. I hardly slept last night! What if the plane crashes? Am I doing the wrong thing here?

My ds was begging me last night not to go - he's a sensitive soul and it was breaking my heart.

Tell me if this sounds the best way to do this - I don't think I'll be able to say goodbye to them without ds having a total meltdown - these episodes are so hard to cope with - so my dh is going to take them both out to the shops to buy him a new dvd and some treats, and I'll slip away while they're out. Is this cruel or the easiest way to do this?

Has anyone ever had to leave their dc's behind before? How do you so it?

[damnfinefilly]

I'll be gone for a week, btw.

[TrinityRhino]

Personally wouldn't slip away
if your ds is sensitive it may set him up for thinking you may alwasy woithout warning dissapear
please tell him your going, quck kiss and walk away quickly so you can keep it together infront of him

[MamaG]

First of all - well done for being there for your friend when she needs you. You sound like a wonderful woman.

Re the DC - the week will fly by and certainly DD will have forgotten all about hte week mummy went to England in about 2 weeks time! Can DS be "bought"?! i.e. lots of presents (guilt buying!) from you bought over here and maybe extra attention at home whilst you are gone? I'm sure he'll be fine

best of luck, let us know how you get on

[MamaG]

oh yes - don't slip away

[MaureenMLove]

Gosh, that's a toughy! I don't think I could slip away unnoticed, tbh, but you know your children best of all. If you have both agreed that's the way to do it, then so be it.

Its going to be a very difficult trip for you, I'm sure. Not only do you need to be there for your friend, which I think is absolutely fab of you, but due to the nature of the trip, you're gonna have to try not to make a big thing about missing your children!

[damnfinefilly]

I know - but my friend is so great, even since losing her baby girl she always asks after my two - she's Godmother to both. She's such an amazing friend and I know she'd be with me in a heartbeat if it was the other way around.

My dd will be fine - she's pretty independent! But my ds is so attached to me - not in a freaky way! But he just loves his mummy (aw!) and I know he'll be very upset when I go - he is the master of getting getting himself so worked up when he's upset and it's very hard to calm him. He just seems more aware of situations than you'd expect of a just turned 4 year old. If I say goodbye and leave with my suitcase he will freak out, and then dh will have a dreadful time with him.

[MaureenMLove]

Could you maybe avoid him seeing the build up? Maybe don't pack anything until he's in bed and put the case in the car, when he's not looking! Try not to talk about the logistical bits of the trip around him. It probably doesn't help him, if he can see & hear it all happening and he'll get more and more wound up before hand iyswim.

[damnfinefilly]

yes, we had decided not to mention it at all this morning before I go - it's only 7.30am here! I'll be leaving about 1pm. He hasn't mentioned anything yet so fingers crossed it'll be easier rather than harder.

I feel so sorry for him - I can't bear the thought of him being upset and me not being here to cuddle him. And I'm the cause of his sadness..

[MaureenMLove]

Aw! They are tough little things really. As MamaG said, give it an hour or so after you've gone and he'll have something else on his mind and won't give you another thought!

Hope you have a safe trip and you're friend is very lucky to have such a wonderful friend in you!

[Alambil]

He'll get over it in minutes when you are gone I bet!!

Could your DH plan something really "against the rules" for when mummy is away? I don't know - watching telly in bed/bouncing on all the furniture etc... just make it really fun, fun, fun because Mum's not here to tell us off?

[damnfinefilly]

that's a good idea, LF - like pulling all the cushions off the sofa and making a 'castle'? Usually drives me mad....

[cory]

Castle sounds a great idea.

But do say goodbye when you go. Children need to know Mummy is absolutely reliable.

And don't forget to tell him that you will be coming back! I made this mistake when dd was 4 and I went to France for work. I had talked about what we would do together in the following week, so assumed she knew I would be back then, but she was distraught when saying goodbye, until dh suddenly asked 'did you explain that you're coming back?'. After that had been done, she was fine. And I did buy her something specially nice, which made me feel better too.

[damnfinefilly]

cory, I tried telling him that Id be gone for a few days and then I'd come back, but he was having none of it.

We just told him that daddy will take him to get a new dvd later, but no, he wants mummy to take him. He knows fine well that we're up to something. Am I just making this into a bigger issue than it is for him?

[MaureenMLove]

I think he is playing you, to make you feel guilty. Job done eh? I know he's only 4, but is he pefectly happy generally, when you go out and leave him with dad? If so, I wouldn't rise to it anymore. The fact is, you're going, so he's gonna have to get over it. Tough love, but maybe this will stop him being so clingy in the future. You realise that when you get back he will be most indignant and want daddy to do everything! That's kids for you I'm afraid, if they can see you getting upset or edgey about things, they will play on it!