I am not sure if you will find it useful actually as I ended up just typing up the 'A Quick reminder' sections from the book. I am going to get DH to read them (they are good reminders for me too) and to look through the cartoons in the book. To be fair he has picked up on a lot of the differences I have made already and although dd1 is still kicking off dramatically we are dealing with it better and diffusing the situations rather than contributing to them..... (In case of copywrite the extract quoted below are from How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and I HIGHLY recommend reading the book. It is great .)
Helping children deal with their feelings.
Children need to have their feelings Accepted and Respected
- You can listen quietly and attentively.
- You can acknowledge their feelings with a word. ?Oh?Mmm?.I see?
- You can give the feeling a name. ?That sounds frustrating!?
- You can give the Child his wishes in fantasy. ?I wish I could make that banana ripe for you right now!?
All feelings can be accepted.
Certain actions must be limited: ?I can see how angry you are at your brother. Tell him what you want with words, not fists.?
To engage a child?s cooperation.
- Describe what you see, or describe the problem. ?There is a wet towel on the bed.?
- Give information. ?The towel is getting my blanket wet.?
- Say it with a word. ?The towel.?
- Describe what you feel. ?I don?t like sleeping in a wet bed!?
- Write a note.
Instead of punishment.
- Express your feelings strongly ? without attacking character. ?I am furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!?
- State your expectations. ?I expect my tools to be returned after they?ve been borrowed.?
- Show the child how to make amends. ?What this saw needs is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.?
- Give the child a choice. ?You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.?
- Take action. Child: Why is the tool box locked? Father: You tell me why.
- Problem solve. ?What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I?ll be sure they?re there when I need them??
To encourage Autonomy.
- Let Children make choices. ?Are you in the mood for your grey trousers today or your red trousers??
- Show respect for a child?s struggle. ?A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the side with a spoon.?
- Don?t ask too many questions. ?Glad to see you. Welcome home!?
- Don?t rush to answer questions. ?That?s an interesting question. What do you think??
- Encourage children to use resources outside the home. ?Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.?
- Don?t take away hope. ?So, you?re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.?
Praise and self-esteem.
- Describe what you see. ?I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf.?
- Describe what you feel. ?It is a pleasure to walk into this room.?
- Sum up the child?s praiseworthy behaviour with a word. ?You sorted out your pencils, crayons, and pens and put them into separate boxes. That?s what I call organisation!?
To free children from playing roles.
- Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself. ?You?ve had that toy since you were three and it almost look like new?.
- Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. ?Sara, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers??
- Let children overhear you say something positive about them. ?He held his arm steady even though the injection hurt.?
- Model the behaviour you would like to see. ?It?s hard to lose, but I?ll be a sport about it. Congratulations!?
- Be a storehouse for your child?s special moments. ?I remember the time you ?..?
- When the child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations. ?I don?t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you.?