Disappointed in how relationship with ds has turned out

[zez]

Hi
Not really sure if I will make any sense in what I am about to say.

My only ds is now 7 years old and although I have tried my best with him I am so disappointed in my relationship with him now.

I always thought we would share alot of joys together get along and have fun.

Instead I seem to have raised a cheeky, mouthy, back chatting monster.
I just don't seem to be able to get along with him these days and feel as though I am always at loggerheads with him.

He likes everything his way and if things are not going his way he plays up terrible.

It is an effort getting out of the house with him if its not somewhere he wants to go.
If I need to go out to carry out a essential task such as pay a bill he will sit defiantly on the stairs not moving because he does not want to go.

He is happy to just sit and watch the telly and if I suggest we take a trip to the park or anything he will just shout quite ignorantly no to me.
If I tell him off for his behaviour he copies what I say.

The other day we went to town and he complained the whole time that his legs were aching and then he decided to sit on the floor in a crowded shop and refused to get up.
After asking him several times to get up I had to pull him up myself I then pulled him to one side and gave him a good ticking off.
He then unexpectedly hit me in the side.
This is not the first time he has lashed out.
All I ever wanted was a happy nice child that I could get along with but instead this is what I put up with.
He also hates going to bed and he will sit on the stairs refusing to move until eventually I have to carry him up kicking and screaming.
I feel responsible in that maybe there is things I shoud have done differently with him and that maybe I have spoilt him.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

Hang in there. I have posted soooooooooo many times about my almost 7 year old and the problems I have had and we have just had 2 lovely days. (DD is playing up now but we won't go there!)

Start afresh tomorrow.

[squilly]

My DD is just 7 and we had the most brilliant relationship for the first 6 years, but it's like teenage hormones have set in way too early.

I have the backchat...never being wrong...always having to have the last word. She lies (I didn't do it, when I've just watched her) snatches stuff off me then says she didn't mean to, says she knows it all, when she SO clearly doesn't. She's started to be a little mean to me too...never had that before and she's certainly not mean to her friends.

Most of the time she's a complete sweetie pie and well behaved, but I definitely feel like our relationship is heading down a bit of a hill right now. I'm hopeful that it's temporary, but I guess we'll see. As long as she's o.k. with others, I can live with the strops...though I do get cheesed off with raising my voice sometimes.

Like Nab3wishes2008 says...we'll start afresh tomorrow.

[juuule]

Are there any things that he has a choice over? Have you tried to negotiate things with him? Given him plenty of warning that you are going out to pay the bills etc.
In the shop, I might have told him that when he'd had his rest to come over to me, walked a short distance away and sat down and waited.
I know they can drive you to distraction, I'm just putting a couple of things down that I've done with my dd (nearly 8y).
Bedtime could you agree a later bedtime as long as he goes with no messing. Something like that?

[cory]

If you treat it as a temporary blip, then that's more likely what it will turn out to be. If you let him know that you are disappointed in the person he's turned out to be, then that's not a very good starting point to improve your relationship. There is a risk that he will start thinking of himself as a bad person- and behave accordingly.

On the other hand, I think you can be quite firm with things such as how long he is allowed to watch television (the thing can be switched off and disconnected). I would think you could probably make life easier for yourself by having a set of fairly well defined house rules for the time being.

If he disobeys, stick to the tariff you have decided beforehand.

But try not to get too worked up. The fact that he is defying you does NOT mean he is a nasty person. (doesn't mean he has to get his way either) He is testing the boundaries, it is normal at his age. A certain amount of aggression is also normal. But at the end of the day, you are the person providing him with all the goodies and you are the one that sets the rules.

And don't forget most relationships have absolutely rotten days- it is not a sign that you've failed as a parent.

[HonoriaGlossop]

agree with all these posts.

Also just wanted to say remember that if you want a polite, well mannered, smiley child who doesn't back-chat or speak rudely, then you need to pretty much ALWAYS speak to your child politely, be well mannered to them, smile and them, never respond to back-chat (instead find other ways of asking/negotiating) and not speak rudely yourself.

Of course no-one can do this 100% of the time but IMO it's all down to how they are dealt with.

A sense of humour is often the first thing to go but with boys of this age it is such a valuable tool

[cory]

In short, the more you laugh with your child, the less likely they are to want to laugh at you. Try to find something you can enjoy together.

[wannaBe]

"I always thought we would share alot of joys together get along and have fun.". The reality is though that a lot of parenting isn't like that. I think so often we imagine having these children who, because they're our children, will grow up to think as we do/want to do the things that we do/want to spend time with us doing things together and having fun. But the reality is that when we have children they grow up as individuals with their own way of thinking/their own preferences/opinions that just don't always coincide with the ideals that we had for them.

"He likes everything his way and if things are not going his way he plays up terrible.". And so often as parents we want things our own way - in fact it's human to want things to go the way we want, but if his way and your way are different then it goes without saying that clashes will occur.

So I would try to negotiate. He doesn't like going to the shops - can't say as I blame him - not keen myself tbh . But maybe you could say "well we have to go to the shops now, but we could stop at a cafe for a drink/go to the park on the way home/buy a magazine etc, but only if you come without a fuss. Make it clear to him that the trip itself is non negotiable, he, but the level of enjoyment he will gain from it can be negotiated, so if he doesn't play up he can choose a drink/magazine/trip to the park etc.

You say all he wants to do is watch tv, tbh I have found that the more tv my ds (5) watches, the worse it makes his behavior, so I would be inclined to limit the amount of television he watches to a set time, not more than an hour a day, and make that time at say, just before/after dinner, but make that hour dependent on behavior - ie "if you're going to sit on the stairs and talk to me like that there will be no television." and be sure to follow through.

He is testing his boundaries atm but it's important to be consistent, and to remember that you are the parent and he is the child, and that although he is an individual with his own thoughts/feeings/preferences, as a child he needs to learn that sometimes we need to confirm to the needs of others.

As for wanting to do things together, perhaps you could replace his telly viewing time with a joint activity, ie baking (if he's still interested at 7) a board game/books/something he really likes doing that you can do together.