Second baby - 100% certain?

[EssexMamisoa]

I have one DC who I absolutely adore. I always thought I’d want two DCs, but since having my first DC I am not so sure that I actually want two DCs anymore. I think probably because I vastly underestimated how exhausting having a baby is (I am also pretty certain I had a high needs baby).

Is there anyone out there who has had two DCs but not been 100% sure beforehand? If yes what was your experience?

I don’t want to leave it too long but I don’t feel I can bring a second DC into the world without being sure.

My initial reasons (and the reasons that still prey on my mind) for wanting a second DC are factored around giving my DC1 a sibling, as well as a hint of social pressure.

I don't have 2, but I'm highly certain that I should stick to 1. I have many reasons, but if I had another it wouldn't be to give my son a sibling. Some siblings really don't get on with each other. The older one can resent you having another child. It really depends on your reasons for either having another or for not.

Following as i'd also like to know. Mine is 6 so i need to decide on a second soon!

I hope my initial post didn’t sound too flippant. It is something I think about everyday and there are many factors that I think about. I just highlighted the main two factors that make me feel pressured in my initial post.

What are your reasons for not going for a second, or what's stopping you?

In a similar boat really, waiting to hear more opinions from others.

My reasons for being uncertain about a second are:

Not being able to focus on my DC1 properly when a) pregnant or b) have a newborn. It terrifies me that I may not be able to give DC1 the one on one attention I currently give them.

On a personal and maybe more selfish note I struggled in pregnancy (awful morning sickness mid way into second trimester) which I didn’t enjoy. Also links to the above about not being able to be such a good mum when pregnant.

I struggled with the newborn phase with DC1 and I don’t know how I could get through that again with a DC1 to look after too. Limited wider family support. My hubby is brilliant though.

Concerns over lifestyle sacrifices and financial implications.

Concerns that I wouldn’t love my DC2 as much as DC1. I honestly adore DC1.

My biggest overall reason is probably with DC1 I was elated when I found out I was pregnant. If I was to find out I was pregnant tomorrow with DC2 I don’t think I would feel elated. And I don’t know how I could not hate myself for not feeling the same way about DC2 hypothetical pregnancy as DC1 pregnancy. If that makes any sense.

Hopefully some of the above is relatable.

I only have on DD atm who is 13 months but I definitely want another. I think my reasons are I grew up as a sort-of only child as my sister is 9 years older than me, wasn’t interested in me in the slightest and we don’t come from a close-knit family. I always knew what I was missing because I had the sibling but not the relationship so from a young age I vowed to have 3 kids close together- that is until I had one and realised how bloody expensive they are so have settled on having two. DH is 1 of 4 and has a very close knit family so I want to follow his family setup rather than mine. I also would love to redo the newborn stage and first 6 months again with the experience and knowledge I have now and be able to actually enjoy it rather than panicking about everything and second guessing myself all the time.

I always wanted a big family. I'm one of four. I had my daughter when I was 38. I'm now 42 and she's 3.5. It's taken me a while but I'm now selling all her baby stuff and very much in the "one and done" camp.

I hated the baby phase, don't much enjoy a lot of parenting now and have struggled to get back to work at the same capacity as before (I run my own business). So why would I have another? Guilt, mainly. Everyone else has more than one, why can't I? Won't she be lonely?

Actually I think I can give my daughter a much better life by NOT "giving her a sibling" as I don't think I'd be very good at it. I'm already a much shoutier, stressed mum than I want to be.

Do what's right for you now that you know what parenting involves. You don't need to have two just because that's what you imagined before.

I have two DC (2.5 and 6 months) I had all the same concerns as OP

We conceived DD1 via IVF after trying everything for four long years to get pregnant. He was my absolute world. He was born at start of covid so we had a rocky start but it's all good. My DH was ready for baby 2 before me. I wasn't sure I could go through all the ivf again and what it did to me. I had a traumatic delivery and horrendous recovery due to awful after care thanks to covid. All of the previous posters worries. Could I love another as much as I lived my DS. Could we afford another? How would I split my time. Would I still get quality time etc etc.

We decided to try for 6 months naturally to see what would happen then book into
Clinic to start cycle for a sibling. We had sex once that first month and I fell pregnant worn DS2!! I was so so shocked! It took a long while to get my head around. I was r to totally convinced I had having a baby until walking into theater to deliver him. I still felt very nervous. He was born via ELCS and it was so calm and such a positive experience. Very 'healing' the minute he was delivered he cried and then came to my chest and I was like 'oh there you are. Of course' everything just clicked. I know that's cliched but it's true. I can't imagine life without him THEY both are now my whole world. Don't get me wrong it's mental and hard lots of the times but Jesus the love is something else and to see my DS1 with his brother is simply amazing. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have 2, I wasn't sure of having the second because I'd had some pretty awful pregnancy losses and fertility issues. They are now 12 and 8. Second baby just slotted in and I couldn't imagine life without her. The kids get on great.

I'm sure if I'd not had her I'd be posting saying it's so much better so I don't think there's a right or wrong here. However, I just wanted to say that my choice was a fantastic one 😊

How old is your child OP?

These are all interesting experiences and a lot of comments seem to link into me being concerned I won’t be the best parent I can to my current DC if DC2 arrived. The positive experiences are heartwarming too though and have made me think.

Current DC is 14months. I was hesitant to post the age as I know DC1 is young. However I don’t think, if I was to have DC2, I want to have a big gap as I don’t feel that I’d be able to “go back” to the newborn phase if I left the gap too long. Also I am not a million miles away from the upper limit age wise where I wouldn’t want to have a baby after so I feel like I have some time pressure there to make a decision. Hence me wondering if it is right to make a decision without being 100% sure on it.

I think MN is obsessed with anything over 18months being a big age gap- I think anything under 4 years is still close enough to not feel like such a transition back.
I guess I always envisaged 2 kids but didn’t really think about it until my eldest was over 2 and then just after 3yrs old her sister came.
I would ease up on yourself, toddlers are such hard work it’s hard to imagine having time for another.

We were uncertain but having a second has been fantastic. Watching them grow and interact and experience holidays, days out etc together has been the very best part of parenting.

I had my first son was I was 18 and I didn't think I wanted anymore. 8 years later I had my second son who is now 3, my third who is now 2 and then my fourth who is 1 next month (he was extremely prem).

I won't lie, it is bloody hard work, but I do have four and three that are all close together and still young. My 2 and 3 year old barely play nicely together and just fight over anything. But I think when they get a bit older it's going to be nice that they are close in age and fingers crossed will be close brothers.

My experience is slightly different. I had my first DD, easy pregnancy, pretty easy baby and toddler. Like you say I adore her! But I was 100% I wanted another. I loved motherhood more than I thought I would. Anyway after a few struggles to conceive a 2nd we had out DS. 5 yr ago gap, not by choice. He was prem and much more challenging baby/ toddler/ now child. I love him to bits, but the family dynamics have changed, as I guess you would expect when you bring anyone new into the fold, but they have changed more than I would have thought they would!

I won't say I regret having my 2nd as that would be saying I wish he wasn't here, which i don't feel at all. But some days I do think how much easier life would be if we had one and done. I am an only child myself. My reasons for wanting a 2nd had nothing to do with that though, like I said before it was to do with how much I loved been a mum. I have to say I like been a mum less now as he's more challenging! I certainly had, and still have less time for my DD. Now I look at my 2 who fight a lot and how much more work it is, I feel quite happy I never had any siblings to deal with!!

Lots of interesting perspectives. I don’t see how I could cope with DC1 being so young and another possible high needs baby. The sensible answer probably is to wait, but then risk not having a second DC.

My biggest worry is I can’t imagine loving another as much as I do dc1. But everyone says you do.

cheesy but true. I have 3 and am utterly obsessed with them all.

You can have a totally rich and fulfilled life with 1. It’s such a hard decision because both outcomes are good. And every situation is different so no one can decide for you.

Hi OP,

Have you had any more thoughts on having another since your first post?

I am in a very similar boat. Pregnan was tough, traumatic birth and then high needs baby with reflux and barely slept until now (he's recently turned 2). We are debating whether to have another but financially it really change things for us. We're comfortable now, have nice holidays and meals out, we're just about sleeping properly again. We will also need to move to a bigger house if we have another as we're in a 2 bed that's just not big enough for a family of 4.

I loved certain aspects of the baby phase but in general, I found it very very tough. The lack of sleep, baby constantly screaming just meant I lived in solid anxiety for over a year. Returning to work was so difficult. I have to remind myself that part doesn't last forever, you're having another child not just a baby and I want my son to know what it is to have a brother or sister. I also think that whilst it will be hard, our love for our kids is infinite and we'd love another just as much once they're here. Part of me says just go for it, I'll be more confident this time and it'll all work out. The other part says don't rock the boat, it's too hard and too exhausting so stick with one 😖

I was very up and down about it and after DD2 arrived I was so sure we had made a mistake and I would never love her like DD1. Probably some PND mixed in there too. But she's 10mo now and I love the bones of her, and she and DD1 adore each other. We had a 3-year gap which I think made things easier in some ways as DD1 is at nursery three days a week so I had time just with DD2. I think if I had them both all the time I would have found the early months extremely difficult and not very enjoyable. They are starting to get to the playing together phase, obviously DD2 is too small for anything organised but they will sit and DD1 will act out stuff with figures and DD2 will clap or wave her own figures around and it gives me a glimpse into how it might be in future with two playing together.

Hello 🙂

I can relate to absolute everything in your mesage. It’s so tough isn’t it.

it is still something I think about most days. Actually I’m often now thinking yes I would like to try for two Dc and should get on with it asap. However I have “panic days” where I think I can’t possibly have two DCs (for the reasons in my OP) but mainly because I’m scared to lose the amount of time I can have with my current DC1.

You say this in your post - and I want my son to know what it is to have a brother or sister - this is a key driver for me too. Its so so so hard to know what is best isn’t it, for us, DC1 and DH.

That's exactly it. I feel like I'm having to decide what's best for my son and I just don't know if that's a sibling, or the additional time we can devote to him as an only child and the experiences we can afford if we don't extend our family.

I have two older brothers, 4 and 5 years older (my mum started trying immediately after having her first, she wanted them super close in age so there's only 12 months between them! How she did it I'll never know) and she says it just all falls into place. They were best friends growing up and remain close in their 30s though not as close just due to different lifestyle choices. We're all adults now but we have eachothers backs. My mum and dad always regretted not having another as a friend for me as I clung to them a lot and they often took my best friend on holidays with us. As morbid as this sounds, I don't want my son to have to care for me and my husband when we're elderly or to mourn us on his own. I know others will but only he will feel the loss of his parents in that way if he doesn't have a brother or sister. I'm basically telling myself to suck it up, to look forward the good bits and to know that whatever happens we'll survive it and be an amazing family of 4. Yes it might mean one holiday ever year or two as opposed to two a year, but that's not a huge thing and my gut tells me I should jump in.

We didn't have a lot of help the first time round at all and would be even less this time I guess with having two. But I think I'd be more relaxed and put less pressure on myself, if I don't tidy the house or get out that day, so be it. And who knows, maybe we'd have a "dream baby" next time who sleeps through from 6 weeks and never cries?! I think it's better to have experienced the demanding, non sleeping baby so you kind of expect it next time and can try to mentally prepare, than to have had the dream baby and think it'll be the same then be in for a total shock!

Sorry huge message but it's on my mind so often and it's only now that I'm kind of on the turning point of sod it, let's do it! We can't actually start trying for another few months as need to make sure our first gets his 30 free hours in April by the time I'd be on mat leave otherwise we wouldn't afford the nursery fees! (I'm the main earner so the drop in income for mat leave will be excruciating but I will have to curb my taste for take aways 🤣)

My first was an high needs baby and I wasn't sure i wanted to go through that again .
When I finally decided I did we suffered secondary unexplained infertility 😩so there's nine years between them.
When I decided I definitely didn't want another we had a surprise pregnancy (felt a familiar feeling of a baby kick and I was 25 weeks😳).
Love them all dearly but would have preferred two two years apart 😂🤣

We had two, by the time our first was 4mths old we knew we wanted another, I was pregnant by the time our first was a year old, so we had two under two. Hard work but, no regrets, our two are grown up now, they are best friends as well as brothers.