Telling my ds1 (13) that he can't buy sweets or treats with his own money in front of my ds2 (8) as it is a wind up

[tigermoth]

My 13 year old son tends to have more money than my 8 year old son. This is because he gets given money at christmas and birthdays while ds2 gets toys, we give him slightly more pocket money than ds2 as he does more chores and is older, and he saves some of his school dinner money.

So, when I take both sons out, my oldest son usually has a few pounds on him. This means in theory he is free to buy sweets, fizzy drinks or whatever else takes his fancy - pokemon cards, comics etc. This freedom to shop really winds up my younger son who thinks it's unfair that my older son has these treats.

Sadly, ds1 takes pleasure in winding up ds2 about his spending power. I don't want to be forced into buying ds2 sweets, fizzy drinks and comics etc just to keep the peace.

So, I have banned ds1 from buying any sort of food or drink or treat for himself when we are out with ds2. Is this the best solution and how do other people cope with pocket money spending in front of skint younger siblings?

[tigermoth]

Ah, yes I am familiar with the dispensing largesse The negotiations between giver (ds1) and receiver (ds2) are certainly interesting to listen to. Ds1 will ask ds2 to do his fetching and carrying and tidying up in order to earn a sweet ration.

I think it's a good compromise, though, to get ds1 to share his treats with ds2, if he buys them in front of him.

[frogs]

Our strategy has the pleasing side-effect of encouraging the younger ones to impressive displays of sucking up in an attempt to encourage the older ones to get their money out. And gives the older ones the feeling of being able to dispense largesse.

[Hecate]

I think that you could have a chat with him about not winding up his brother and that if he can behave more sensitively, he could use his money more freely.

Dangle a carrot in front of him, give him something to work towards. Help him to see that there is a positive side to being less of a meanie-pants

[ComeOVeneer]

Sounds reasonable. If he can't be mature enough to do it in a discrete way in front of ds2 then he is still young enough to be treated by you in this manner.

[frogs]

In the frogpond anyone buying or consuming sweets in front of others is expected to share them. So if either dd1 (12) or dd2 (4) is there, ds (8) is only allowed to buy sweets if he is prepared to share them on a reasonably equitable basis with his sisters. Ditto for dd1, who obviously has far more spending power than either of the other two.

If one of the older ones wants to buy sweets for their sole consumption, then they have to do it privately. That seems pretty reasonable to me -- after all, I wouldn't buy a big box of chocs in front of them and snarf it myself. Common politeness, really.

[edam]

Sounds fair enough to me. (And I'm the eldest in my family.)

[emkana]

My children haven't reached that age yet, but I think it sounds reasonable, after all the 13 year old could go by himself to buy treats? How did he take the ban?