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Parenting

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Original poster

eating out with a screaming baby/tantrumming toddler??

24 replies

nappyaddict · 30/10/2007 00:01

what do you do if this happens? do you leave, do you take the baby/toddler away from the table or for a walk outside weather permitting or do you carry on with the meal??

at work yesterday a woman had both a screaming newborn and a tantrumming toddler to deal with. she came up to me really embarassed and kept apologising and then in the end decided to pay for their drinks and not bother with the rest of the meal saying she didn't want to disturb the other customers

i told her not to be silly - it's a family restaurant after all but she really thought other customers would be annoyed with her for staying.

made me mad that she had to leave cos she thought others would judge her if she didn't.

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ruddynorah · 30/10/2007 00:05

when i had a screaming baby i'd have given her a breastfeed and carried on with my meal while she fed. she's now a toddler but doesn't tantrum at meal times, loves her food, blw so she just shovels her food in, too busy for tantrums.

hana · 30/10/2007 00:07

I rarely took my kids out when they were that age - just wasn't worth the effort and work! Even now with a 6 year old, almost 3 and 1 year old...far too stressful as baby is into making lots of mess and toddler has fantastic tantrums at the drop of a hat

did she not have anyone else to help her out?
she prob left as it was getting to her

but no, I wouldn't have apologised or worried about what others thought of me

Original poster

nappyaddict · 30/10/2007 00:07

they hadnt't yet got the food. they were deciding what to have. they couldn't calm either of them down so decided to leave because other people were giving them looks. i wanted to say to the other tables don't come to a family restaurant and not expect a bit of noise.

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Original poster

nappyaddict · 30/10/2007 00:08

she was with her dp and 2 older children.

OP posts:

hana · 30/10/2007 00:08

i dunno
if they couldn't calm either one down, where's the enjoyment in having a meal out?

hana · 30/10/2007 00:09

that is why most meals out I have are with dp on a sat night with no kids!!

Original poster

nappyaddict · 30/10/2007 00:10

i suppose. it's just the 2 older children looked very disapointed that they had to leave and i felt a bit sorry for them.

and they hadn't really been there that long. most probably they would have calmed down in time but the lady didn't feel like she had that time and had to leave immediately cos of other people.

OP posts:

SpeccieSeccie · 30/10/2007 00:11

She might have thought everyone wanted her to leave but really the other customers were probably just thinking 'poor woman' - it doesn't take much empathy to work out it's easier to be next to a table of tantrum-ing children than to be at a table of tantrum-ing children.

I guess it's just part of parenting. Nice that you were so supportive of her though.

onelittlelion · 30/10/2007 00:15

In an ideal world you wouldn't feel judged but I think most peple do at least sometimes. I take ds out until the food arrives but we only have the one to deal with or give him bf or box of raisins etc. Maybe she decided it wasn't worth it as more stressful then enjoyable and you never taste your food etc. Is a bit of a shame for the older ones tho I agree.

berolina · 30/10/2007 00:56

tbh I wouldn't bother going in the first place (I have a toddler and a 5 week old). I get enough Looks when I'm out with both and ds2 is getting unsettled in his sling, but I'm somewhere (eg relatively short bus trip) where I can't really get him out to feed.

That said, I get enough Looks (curious stares) anyway. Somehow it doesn't seem usual to go out with two children in tow here, never mind two with a relatively small age gap - and ds1 and I both look younger than we are.

qwertpoiuy · 30/10/2007 07:54

Once, my DS (then 4) took a huge tantrum in the middle of a shopping centre. People gathered around to stare, and I sat there grabbing his legs so he wouldn't run away (which is what he normally done while tantrumming - so "ignoring" as advised by others was dangerous in his case). Eventually, I said loudly "Now, *, look at all those silly people staring at you". The crowd thinned very quickly! Eventually, one lady did offer to help wheel out my DD1 while I carried DS out. She was critical of the starers too, but indicated DS would probably be very temperamentnal when he's older! What a day! I'd just love to add DS is now 6 and great for taking out shopping as he wheels DD2 in her buggy and wants to help out as much as he can.
If I'm in a restaurant and I see a situation like na's, I smile at the people concerned to let them know it doesn't bother me and might say I've been through it too. Basically, I don't give two hoots once the tantrumming child is not mine!
But I do feel sorry for this lady that she felt she had to leave.
Usually the people who are critical are older people. They went through parenting when smacking was the norm, so the poor child was terrified to make any noise in public - not good in the long run! You can hear them say as they stare "That child needs a good hard slap!" Ooh, it makes me mad (their attitude, not the child taking the tantrum!)

juuule · 30/10/2007 08:25

We have had this once. Baby wouldn't settle. So dh took the baby outside while me and the older children with us ate our meal. I finished mine quickly, and took over from him while he ate his. The children ate their food at their own pace and didn't seem too disturbed by our to-ing and fro-ing.

LoveAngel · 30/10/2007 15:50

Things are hit and miss with my son (nearly 3) Sometimes he's as good as gold in restaurants, other times he is a nightmare. I try to limit meals out with him to family friendly restaurants and early dinners (he goes into melt down if he gets over tired), partly because he just doesn't enjoy having to sit at the table and be 'good' for long periods of time and partly because I get easily stressed out by people tutting / staring etc and usually end up starting an argument (I'm aggro, I know!).

Personally, I think it's ridiculous that toddlers are expected to behave like adults at the dinner table, and find the more relaxed attitude of some other cultures (Italian, Spanish, Portugese come to mind...) much more civilised. We ate out every night in Barcelona with our 2 yr old. Families were welcome wherever we went and nobody batted an eyelid at screeching babies or young children running around causing mayhem. Lovely.

LoveAngel · 30/10/2007 15:51

p.s. when DS has kicked up, I tend to try to distract him by playing with him or producing 'treats' from my handbag (I'm such a bribe artist...argh!). If he reaches tantrum stage, I take him outside for a walk to cool off.

DynamicNanny · 30/10/2007 18:34

I remember reading something where the author said to feed your child before you go out and then they can have an icecream sundae whilst the adults eat their meal

qwertpoiuy · 30/10/2007 19:25

LoveAngel, you are so right - eating out is a pleasure with the whole family in Spain and Portugal!

busybusymummy · 31/10/2007 20:45

DS kicked off in M&S yesterday - we put him in his buggy, lay him down and covered him, then rocked him til he went of to sleep. Think he was just over tired.

If not overtired should be able to get away with crayons (although still eats them), bricks (of the wooden variety), raisins, breadsticks or an apple.

mrsgboring · 02/11/2007 14:22

I come armed with immense amounts of food and amusements, and DS is really very good most of the time (so far, touch wood he's only 2 and there's only 1 of him), but I would no way leave because of "stares".

If all else was failing, I'd either go outside (if I felt like it) or I would grab any waiter and ask for an icecream or bread (depending on baby's preference) as quick as possible.

Have developed a very thick skin, helped by my DS being a fidgety boobaholic who took 6 months to learn to do it properly.

lemonaidtreasonandplot · 02/11/2007 14:29

If DS has a meltdown whichever of me and DH he is less fixated on at that point takes him outside, leaving the object of adoration inside, and we wait outside until he has calmed down, have a recap of the fact that he needs to [insert proper behaviour here] or we will have to go outside again, then go back in. It works pretty well, except that DH has a higher level of tolerance for mucking around in restaurants than I do.

WriggleJiggle · 02/11/2007 14:41

If either dd1 or dd2 are being a pain and the usual sorts of distraction or bribery don't work we take it in turns walking around with them outside. Not sure what I would do if I was on my own, I suspect I would make a hasty exit.

Meltdowns in the supermarket or in a shop are different though, then I just ignore the stares and continue my shopping.

morningglory · 02/11/2007 15:02

I am on several food boards where people take their food very seriously (mostly Michelin *ed dining, and gourmet cooking), and this topic has come up on some of them. Posters here might think that other diners would be sympathetic, but I know that most people are rigidly intolerant of any peeps of noise from children/babies. Many even feel that simly the presence of a child ruins their dining experience. You don't even want to get me started on their view of breastfeeding in restaurants...

One might think that it would be OK in a family resteraunt, but I have had bad experiences in even those. DS and his friend were giggling loudly and banging their silverware on the table...not terrific behaviour, but not atrocious. An eldely gentle man came to our table and starting chastising my friend and me, telling us that we were preventing his table from having a pleasant dining expereince, and if we couldn't control our children we should leave. This was at an outdoor cafe near the playground at Regent's Park!

Unfortunately, tin out child intolerent society, your friend probably did the right thing.

emmaagain · 03/11/2007 20:47

the employee: I'd want to make sure my company had a child pack I could offer, with toys and colouring or whatever. That's a really nice way of being friendly and saying "you're welcome here, and so are your children". I love it when restaurants have some form of welcome for a child.

the parent: like people have said upthread - being armed with entertainments for the children, making sure child isn't starving hungry and waiting for table service, going to family friendly restaurants (in which I would include most curry houses - they are really tolerant of small children spraying half chewed popadum all over the floor IME). And if a child is distressed, trying to alter the situation so they are happy as a priority. If that involves walking around outside for a bit, then so be it.

Being in a restaurant is meeting the parents' agenda (and that of the older children, in this anecdote) so it's the responsibility of the parents to make sure it's a happy experience for the whole family. That might involve not confining children to high chairs, not expecting them to sit still for 45 minutes...

the outraged diners: I can see their point of view in one sense. If a child is crying, that's pretty distressing to hear. When a parent responds immediately and tries to help, then that's soothing not only to the child but to everyone around - that someone has heard the child's distress and is doing their best to help them. But when a crying child is ignored, and their distress is palpable to everyone in the room except the parent... then I can see why others might get agitated. Why don't they just HELP their child? (although I agree with the posters above. Most outraged diners are probably sucking their dentures and thinking "spare the rod and spoil the child" in a sour way)

lennygirl · 03/11/2007 21:01

Message withdrawn

gybegirl · 03/11/2007 21:32

I've only had to take my DD who is 19 months out of an eating place once - last week! I can normally bribe her with the usual crayons, books, breadsticks etc if the food takes too long - she's normally great. But this time we were in a tiny, but posh cafe, she was overtired and screamed the place down. I did leave, no one asked me to and the other people seemed really nice about it. I think it really depends on the venue and the time of day. Also on whether it's raining. I don't think it's fair to ask tiny children to sit in posh restaurants in the evening and expect them to behave, although if they do fab. But a noisyish pub / place for lunch is a different matter - there people should be pleased to see families out eating together and kids learning how to be sociable out.

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