What made you “stop” after one child?

[Toastandtea1]

So those who’ve seen my other post will have seen I’m (with husband obv) trying to work out whether having another child is a good idea. We’re very happily married, with DD (3yr old) but I have several disabling chronic illnesses (pretty much all of which came on after DD turned 1).

We’re 99% sure we won’t try for another and stick with the happy unit of 3 we are, but I’m genuinely intrigued what other people’s situations are that made them “stop” as it were with having more babies after their first.

I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone, please don’t feel you have to answer if you’re not happy sharing. I just want to hear about others experiences of having an only child (from those who are comfortable sharing that is) x

[Toastandtea1]

@MrsApplepants

Only ever wanted one. Had one. Done and dusted.
My own parents had too many children so I knew I would never have more than one, was an easy decision and the right decision.

Totally fair enough!

[Toastandtea1]

@Leftrightatthelights

I just felt happy with one. I’m not a natural born mother in that I was never sure I wanted them. I had one child and I love them more than anything and am a great mother (if I say so myself!) but don’t want any more. I’m happy

That’s totally fair enough, thank you for sharing

[Toastandtea1]

@Manteo

I hayed the baby and toddler bit. I cannot believe people are willing to go through the pain of giving birth again. The sleep deprivation made me feel like I was losing my mind a bit.

She's 6 now and it's great.

Loving your honesty. The sleep deprivation def was brutal. Not sure I could cope with that again. So glad things are great now.

[Toastandtea1]

@MrsL2016

I appreciate your concern. I am honestly fine and it's not something I give much thought to most days. My son is thriving and I am pretty happy with my lot. I just think motherhood has taught me a lot about my limitations and I have had to adjust my expectations. I come from a big family and always thought I would have more children. Luckily my husband is happy with one too.

Really hope you’re ok. It sounds like you’re very reflective and sounds like you’re a great mum.

[rottiemum88]

Key things for me were a horrendous pregnancy experience, plus DS is and has always been a terrible sleeper. I love him to bits, but don't "like" being a mum and find that I gravitate towards all the general household tasks like cleaning, cooking, washing etc rather than playing and interacting with him. DH is great at all the things I'm not and is really natural with it, so I don't feel like DS misses out on anything and we do read together/bed share still, so have a lovely bond in that sense, but I wouldn't subject myself or another child to my lack of maternal instinct. For some of us I just think it isn't there. I was an only child for similar reasons and my mum much preferred spending time with me once I got a little bit older, so I'm hopeful there'll be a turning point in a few years for me and DS.

[GlowingOrb]

Two things

1. dd was a very difficult infant and toddler Wouldn’t sleep without being touched. Screamed in the car. The list goes on.
   
   
2. we live on the United States and have to pay for university. We know we can manage 1 tuition, but 2 would be extremely difficult.

[Beckidewinter]

Although my husband Is hands-on (he works part time; I work full time) and I'm lucky enough to have a supportive extended family, I found the baby years pretty exhausting and just didn't want to go through it all again. I've also been very career-focused and wanted to keep studying and progressing. My husband has an artistic hobby that's really important to him and making space for that has also been a factor...

No regrets at all. I love my son, but I love that as a family, we have lots of flexibility in how we live now and in the future. My two siblings have three children each, and I know they are equally happy with their choices...I think it just depends on what you can cope with and what you want for your life. I didn't find it a difficult choice though, so I'm perhaps not best-placed to advise!

[sohypnotic]

I'll admit for a while I wanted another, in the midst of all the hormones lol, but now totally happy with the decision. I feel I can give my best to one child, that with 2 I might be spreading myself too thin in terms of pain and fatigue. I'm lucky that I haven't had a significant flare up in almost 2 years, and am coping well with the day to day demands of me. I had a lot of support through pregnancy and newborn stage from my mum, and I guess as they get older the possibility of that happening again becomes slimmer, which is another thing to put me off doing it all again.

Also obviously financially 1 is also more practical, I'd love to be able to help her out in the future the way my parents were able to with me. And on the more negative side, if I ever became too ill to work then just having the 1 child will be slightly less of a financial disaster!

[Tanfastic]

We both nearly died, me severe pre eclampsia, ds hypoxia.....tried again after three years and lots of reassurances from the hospital that they'd do things differently next time but I couldn't get pregnant. Maybe it was nature's way of telling me something.

[lineandsinker]

I was really on the fence about having a child. DS1 was unplanned but we decided to run with it.

I love DS1 to bits and can’t envisage our family unit being any bigger. With 1, DH and I can still pursue our careers and hobbies and have enough disposable income to lead the life we want to lead.

[Superstardjs]

1. I like having one child, I didn't want more than that.
2. I hated having a sibling.

[Weirdfan]

I had 3 mc's before DD and I worried every second I was pregnant with her, not sure I could have gone through that again. I obviously didn't enjoy my pregnancy and DD's birth was horrific (she was back to back but no one realised and we almost lost her, then a forceps delivery and some fairly nasty birth injuries for me) so it would have taken a braver person than me to attempt a second baby. I pretty much felt like I'd got through the whole thing by the skin of my teeth tbh, somehow after all that I had managed to get her here safe, I didn't think my luck would hold a second time.

I had times when DD was older when I wondered if I'd deprived her of having a sibling (although she does have 2 older half siblings) and even times when I had pangs for another but I would have been pushing 40 by the time I felt anything like ready (and recovered enough from what happened with DD) and it just felt like setting myself up for potential heartache if I struggled to get or stay pregnant.

She's 12 now and it was right for all of us to stop at one, eldest DSC (24) has provided us with our first grandchild so any broody feelings on my part and any desire for a younger sibling on DD's are being nicely taken care of by a delightful little boy who goes home when we've had enough It feels like things turned out for the best, hope you can find the right way for your family too OP

[DidTheEndOfMySentence]

Several reasons:

At the risk of being savaged, I want to send my DC to private school and could only comfortably afford one.

I was an only child and appreciate it.

My DH isn't close with his sibling so I know there are no guarantees on that score.

I like being able to give DC1 my full attention without the guilt of being pulled in two directions.

I like the fact we've clawed back a decent chunk of adult time and can't imagine doing the baby stage again / being busier than we already are at weekends!

[Crapbuttrue]

Traumatic birth here too but that in its own wouldn't have stopped me. I still thought we might have more. But the longer we left it the more I realised I just couldn't be bothered with another pregnancy and bringing up another baby. I felt it would be a delay fo be getting my life back to normal.

Yes, life never gets back to normal. My DS is hard work with extra needs. I regret having only one when I think of the benefits that a sibling could have brought to the family, mainly DS being less reliant on us. But that's COULD have brought. In reality it might have been harder work. Quite often I wish I'd stayed childless.

[taskmasterfan]

I have 2. My BF has 1. For them it was always going to be one-the choice was made before TTC. Their choice was based around unhappy and unusual relationships with siblings that left them feeling siblings were not the be all and end all. And also they have a lovely lifestyle and are quite focussed on that and wanted to keep it. I adore my BF but she is quite controlling in terms of being a neat freak etc and i am just not sure she is the embracing the chaos type-which you have to have a bit of inside you somewhere to have more then one.

[ValpolicellaPrimitivo]

We have one by choice, reasons include- awful delivery with a huge haemorrhage and severe tear, silent reflux, PND, awful sleep. Things started to sort themselves out and at 18 months we started worrying about DS development and at 2.5 he was referred for ASD assessment. I was so worried about him, a lot of the intrusive thoughts from my PND started again and he still didn't sleep well. We just felt we couldn't do it for a second time, plus wanted to give all our resources, emotionally, physically and financially to DS (private speech therapy is ££££)

He's 4.5 now, talking and doing so well at school I'm considerably less worried about him. I've had pangs of worrying that it was the wrong decision however, I'm very certain that it was the right decision at the time. I'm 34 so would have time to have another but now feel the baby days are long behind us, things are so easy now compared to 2 years ago and I've gone back to work after 4.5 years as a sahm,

I felt I owed it to myself, dh and our marriage and of course DS to be the best and happiest version of myself and I felt that was best achieved by not spreading myself too thin with another child.

[Weirdfan]

Quite often I wish I'd stayed childless.

Me too.

[PTW1234]

I thought I did want another, but it hasn’t happened in 7 years.... if it does happen I wouldn’t mind. But we are not actively trying or trying to prevent a pregnancy.

DS probably wouldn’t benefit from a sibling now, as the age gap would be too large. So it kind of feels a bit selfish to have another now.

Life is a bit more simpler and less expensive with just one child.. I have more time to focus on my career whilst not having to sacrifice the time I give to my child also.

[thethoughtfox]

We had talked about two children but we looked at baby the first night we brought her home and we both knew our family was complete and didn't want any more.

[GhostWhisperer]

We would need help to have no. 2 (egg donation) but we discussed it and if I had the choice (in that it would be straight forward) we still wouldn’t have a second for a number of reasons.

One has allowed a level of adult time we can enjoy (together or on our own)

One of our careers would have taken a back burner and neither of us were prepared to do that for a second child.

Disposable income. I see other friends with 2+ children and they struggle and/or make sacrifices that I’m not prepared to make.

The world in general worries me (this year alone is frightening to being a child into the world). My DD was born as the riots in the UK started (summer 2011) and it scared me that I brought this little person into such a flawed world, I almost regretted it.

I have very little patience for children in general. DH is amazing, the little things irritate me and I worry now that dd and I will have a “snappy” relationship (as she’s very like me).

It sounds very selfish of me writing it down, but all of the above amounts to me being a better parent. If I was a parent of more than one, I would be shit.

[FizzingWhizzbee123]

@PatchworkElmer Just to say, I had a horrific HG pregnancy too, a horrible labour and a long recovery. For a long time, I was determined that I was “one and done”, primarily because I couldn’t imagine how we could survive another HG pregnancy, with a toddler on top.

However DS1 hit 2 years old and I suddenly felt I wanted another and mentally felt I could handle it. DS2 is now 8 weeks old and I’m very happy with our decision.

I can completely understand how HG stops people having further pregnancies and if you are happy with your family, then that’s great. I just wanted to share that, should you think about changing your mind, then definitely speak to your GP before conceiving. I had an action plan in place and started medication as soon as I got a positive pregnancy test. Yes, I still ended up bed bound for months and felt ill right through to labour. Yes it’s was hard for us all (particularly given that my first trimester was in the March lockdown so the nurseries closed and DS1 was home full time!), yes I felt guilty for the impact on DS1 (but he coped surprisingly well and has completely forgotten all about it now and dotes on his baby brother), but it was 1000x better than my first pregnancy. With proper medication, support and mentally feeling better prepared, it was a totally different experience.

[FizzingWhizzbee123]

@Toastandtea1 In case you haven’t seen it, there’s a specific One Child board on here where lots of people shared their experiences of having an only child and how/why they reached that decision, you might find it an interesting read.

[madcatladyforever]

Not enough money for number two as I was a single parent anyway and also for the planet, we can't keep breeding endlessly.

[Harrysmummy246]

Honestly, even though I didn't have a bad pregnancy, I hated being pregnant and not being able to keep up the physical things I enjoyed. Many women can but I really couldn't. Then sleep deprivation, being puked on, breast feeding and PND. I barely remember his first 6 months and I don't want to go back there, when 3 years on, we have a nice balance and i'm finding time and fitness and enjoyment again.

[HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli]

I nearly died and my DC very easily could have, although by luck was and is absolutely fine. The condition I had is likely to recur in any future pregnancy. I'm not sad about it though, although we probably would have had one more, I love being our little gang of three