I hate being a mum

[Babiesandboardgames]

Hi all
Cant believe I'm posting this.
I'm a mum to a 14 week old DC. Have nice supportive dh. We both have loving families and good jobs despite covid.
I really really love children and have wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember.
I acknowledge that mums go through baby blues, and have a hard time the first few weeks of a baby's life. However, I feel like the struggle isn't getting any better.
My DC was horrible for the first six weeks (understandable), after a difficult birth , crying at all hours every day, always having a tummy ache, never happy. He got slightly better for a while and at ten weeks just became a pain again. Combined with lockdown cancelling all my doctors appointments and everything being closed over and over again, I'm wondering what the f have I done. Why did I become a mum. I am not cut out for this.
He gets better for a short enough time to think yes, I can do this, I like being a mum. But he smiles so rarely and is just not a contented little baby, and has such an irritating whine and despite feeding him all I can and trying to give him naps whenever I can, he just loves to whine and whine and whine. He has laughed once. He smiles rarely. He hates tummy time, his little chair, car rides, no longer likes the sling. He likes the buggy but still wines in that. He only seems happy in front of the TV but I don't want to put him in front of it all day.
I've been to the gp and had a couple of appointments and they've told me what I am feeling is completely normal, thank god it is. And that babies do cry. But I am really resenting my life. I love other people's kids, and children in general, but I hate being a mother.
Can anyone reassure me this will get better? I have a night away right now and wish I didn't have to go home in the morning...
Thank you for reading xxxx

[Bitbusyattheminute]

Dd was like this. She was my 2nd and I was wracked with guilt, not only because she was hard to love, thanks to the constant misery and volatility, but because I felt she'd ruined the life of my ds. Not only that, I was constantly terrified I wasn't meant to have her and that she'd die.

I probably should have spoken to someone about that, tbh. It was a v hard mat leave. We had quite an intense relationship.

She was my difficult child, in one way or another, for about 6 years. Doors were slammed (by me). I fantasised about moving to my local supermarket cafe for some peace.But she's a fabulous tween.

[Brandaris]

Not a chance that a gp could accurately tell you if there’s a tongue tie- I had half a dozen midwives and health visitors tell me there was no tongue tie and it was only a very specialist breastfeeding midwife who finally saw it and sorted it!

On everything else, some people enjoy having tiny babies, I didn’t. I found it soul crushingly boring and so frustrating trying to keep dd happy as she couldn’t tell me what was wrong. It is so much easier once they can properly talk. Obviously then you have tantrums etc to deal with, but I would take a tantruming toddler over a crying newborn any time!

Do tell your health visitor/ gp how you’re feeling though, I definitely had postnatal depression and I wish I had sought more help. It doesn’t necessarily feel like you’re depressed when you’re in the middle of it, it’s when you come out of it and think wow, I feel so much better- that’s when you realise you weren’t well.

[Indecisivelurcher]

I've skim read the thread so sorry if I'm repeating anyone. But evening fussiness is pretty normal. Both my 2 were in the witching hours from 5pm onwards. Also they are all different personalities, which sounds like stating the obvious but crickey my second was so much easier than my first. So I think I'm saying, its not you. It can be a slog. It will improve. When they can sit. Crawl. Walk. Interact. Get their own way! In the meantime do whatever makes it better for you. Get out. Stay in. Eat cake.

[Barmyfarmy]

OP it's completely normal to feel like this, especially considering how crap the world is right now!

It does get better and it will do soon but your little one sounds unhappy. Try to get him seen again by the GP and be firm that he's more grizzly than he should be. You are his advocate now and you need to make sure health professionals take you seriously. When your LO feels better, you will too so it's important you get him seen.

Go easy on yourself, it's okay to just survive for a bit even if it isn't fun. Watching crappy christmas films while you pretend to be interested in your son's weird musical toys. Make sure your health visitor is aware of your feelings, they can refer you to get extra support and help and can support you in pushing for your son's health to be dealt with properly.

You can do this, you're a great mum already. You're still a great mum even if you don't enjoy it yet, but you will. Keep smiling at your LO even if you don't want to, it's important he feels safe and loved even when you're fed up of his crying.

If possible, see if there's a hobby of yours or something interesting you can do while your LO naps or if you get 5 minutes. It's important you have time to be just you, not Mummy for a bit.

Sending you lots of luck

[insiwinsi]

I quickly learned to do whatever I needed to, in order to give myself a break. So, as you say, if he is happy in front of the TV then let him watch more TV! It's not going to damage him, he's a tiny baby. Needs must at this point. Do what works and don't question it or feel guilty.

[sproutsnbacon]

I’m really sorry you’re finding it difficult. With a grumpy baby you have basically got to be a detective find out what’s wrong with them. Common allergies are milk and soya. Eggs as well if you are really unlucky. As PP said milk and soya are in everything, it take a good two weeks for it to be out of your milk. Are you eating spicy food or food with chillis in? As I have found it does affect them. Orange juice can as well.
Could be wind, I spend hours winding.
Teething, rub some anbesol on the gums so if that works.
You could try giving a dose or two of calpol during one 24 hour period, if he’s much more settled you know it’s pain and probably digestive but you would have to rule out other possibilities.
Both mine hated tummy time. DD learnt to roll over a fortnight ago but doesn’t bother anymore because she hates being beached on her front.

[MrsTumbletap]

I felt exactly the same OP! My DS was a whiny grizzler, I posted on here saying I cannot cope with this and the other mumsnetters were great. Talk on here loads.

I hated the first year, honestly hated it. The crying, whining, hard work, mess, tiredness hated all of it.

That's why we stuck at one.

But honestly, it DOES get better. My DS is now in year 3 and the loveliest most delightful boy ever. He is hilarious, sweet, easy to be with and life is great. You just need to suck it up and get through the first year. Stuff everyone else that has easy babies, they have no idea.

Honestly keep talking, there are sooo many women in the exact same position as you, feeling the same.

[insiwinsi]

Another thing is I echo the previous poster about the evening fussiness. Babies take a lot in through the day and hit a point of sensory overload in the evenings. The best thing to do is put them in a quiet dark room with you for as long as it takes, maybe with some white noise.

Also bear in mind the "wonder weeks" - this was instrumental in helping me get through the difficult patches. every few weeks for the first couple of years babies go through a development stage which means they are "levelling up" mentally. This can be disorienting for them and cause them to be more fussy than usual for a few weeks whilst the changes happen. Lots of info online if you're interested. The phases usually pass.