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Parenting

I hate being a mum

33 replies

Babiesandboardgames · 15/12/2020 20:23

Hi all
Cant believe I'm posting this.
I'm a mum to a 14 week old DC. Have nice supportive dh. We both have loving families and good jobs despite covid.
I really really love children and have wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember.
I acknowledge that mums go through baby blues, and have a hard time the first few weeks of a baby's life. However, I feel like the struggle isn't getting any better.
My DC was horrible for the first six weeks (understandable), after a difficult birth , crying at all hours every day, always having a tummy ache, never happy. He got slightly better for a while and at ten weeks just became a pain again. Combined with lockdown cancelling all my doctors appointments and everything being closed over and over again, I'm wondering what the f have I done. Why did I become a mum. I am not cut out for this.
He gets better for a short enough time to think yes, I can do this, I like being a mum. But he smiles so rarely and is just not a contented little baby, and has such an irritating whine and despite feeding him all I can and trying to give him naps whenever I can, he just loves to whine and whine and whine. He has laughed once. He smiles rarely. He hates tummy time, his little chair, car rides, no longer likes the sling. He likes the buggy but still wines in that. He only seems happy in front of the TV but I don't want to put him in front of it all day.
I've been to the gp and had a couple of appointments and they've told me what I am feeling is completely normal, thank god it is. And that babies do cry. But I am really resenting my life. I love other people's kids, and children in general, but I hate being a mother.
Can anyone reassure me this will get better? I have a night away right now and wish I didn't have to go home in the morning...
Thank you for reading xxxx

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insiwinsi · 15/12/2020 22:17

Another thing is I echo the previous poster about the evening fussiness. Babies take a lot in through the day and hit a point of sensory overload in the evenings. The best thing to do is put them in a quiet dark room with you for as long as it takes, maybe with some white noise.

Also bear in mind the "wonder weeks" - this was instrumental in helping me get through the difficult patches. every few weeks for the first couple of years babies go through a development stage which means they are "levelling up" mentally. This can be disorienting for them and cause them to be more fussy than usual for a few weeks whilst the changes happen. Lots of info online if you're interested. The phases usually pass.

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MrsTumbletap · 15/12/2020 22:16

I felt exactly the same OP! My DS was a whiny grizzler, I posted on here saying I cannot cope with this and the other mumsnetters were great. Talk on here loads.

I hated the first year, honestly hated it. The crying, whining, hard work, mess, tiredness hated all of it.

That's why we stuck at one.

But honestly, it DOES get better. My DS is now in year 3 and the loveliest most delightful boy ever. He is hilarious, sweet, easy to be with and life is great. You just need to suck it up and get through the first year. Stuff everyone else that has easy babies, they have no idea.

Honestly keep talking, there are sooo many women in the exact same position as you, feeling the same.

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sproutsnbacon · 15/12/2020 22:14

I’m really sorry you’re finding it difficult. With a grumpy baby you have basically got to be a detective find out what’s wrong with them. Common allergies are milk and soya. Eggs as well if you are really unlucky. As PP said milk and soya are in everything, it take a good two weeks for it to be out of your milk. Are you eating spicy food or food with chillis in? As I have found it does affect them. Orange juice can as well.
Could be wind, I spend hours winding.
Teething, rub some anbesol on the gums so if that works.
You could try giving a dose or two of calpol during one 24 hour period, if he’s much more settled you know it’s pain and probably digestive but you would have to rule out other possibilities.
Both mine hated tummy time. DD learnt to roll over a fortnight ago but doesn’t bother anymore because she hates being beached on her front.

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insiwinsi · 15/12/2020 22:07

I quickly learned to do whatever I needed to, in order to give myself a break. So, as you say, if he is happy in front of the TV then let him watch more TV! It's not going to damage him, he's a tiny baby. Needs must at this point. Do what works and don't question it or feel guilty.

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Barmyfarmy · 15/12/2020 22:05

OP it's completely normal to feel like this, especially considering how crap the world is right now!

It does get better and it will do soon but your little one sounds unhappy. Try to get him seen again by the GP and be firm that he's more grizzly than he should be. You are his advocate now and you need to make sure health professionals take you seriously. When your LO feels better, you will too so it's important you get him seen.

Go easy on yourself, it's okay to just survive for a bit even if it isn't fun. Watching crappy christmas films while you pretend to be interested in your son's weird musical toys. Make sure your health visitor is aware of your feelings, they can refer you to get extra support and help and can support you in pushing for your son's health to be dealt with properly.

You can do this, you're a great mum already. You're still a great mum even if you don't enjoy it yet, but you will. Keep smiling at your LO even if you don't want to, it's important he feels safe and loved even when you're fed up of his crying.

If possible, see if there's a hobby of yours or something interesting you can do while your LO naps or if you get 5 minutes. It's important you have time to be just you, not Mummy for a bit.

Sending you lots of luck Flowers

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Indecisivelurcher · 15/12/2020 22:05

I've skim read the thread so sorry if I'm repeating anyone. But evening fussiness is pretty normal. Both my 2 were in the witching hours from 5pm onwards. Also they are all different personalities, which sounds like stating the obvious but crickey my second was so much easier than my first. So I think I'm saying, its not you. It can be a slog. It will improve. When they can sit. Crawl. Walk. Interact. Get their own way! In the meantime do whatever makes it better for you. Get out. Stay in. Eat cake.

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Brandaris · 15/12/2020 21:58

Not a chance that a gp could accurately tell you if there’s a tongue tie- I had half a dozen midwives and health visitors tell me there was no tongue tie and it was only a very specialist breastfeeding midwife who finally saw it and sorted it!

On everything else, some people enjoy having tiny babies, I didn’t. I found it soul crushingly boring and so frustrating trying to keep dd happy as she couldn’t tell me what was wrong. It is so much easier once they can properly talk. Obviously then you have tantrums etc to deal with, but I would take a tantruming toddler over a crying newborn any time!

Do tell your health visitor/ gp how you’re feeling though, I definitely had postnatal depression and I wish I had sought more help. It doesn’t necessarily feel like you’re depressed when you’re in the middle of it, it’s when you come out of it and think wow, I feel so much better- that’s when you realise you weren’t well.

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Bitbusyattheminute · 15/12/2020 21:56

Dd was like this. She was my 2nd and I was wracked with guilt, not only because she was hard to love, thanks to the constant misery and volatility, but because I felt she'd ruined the life of my ds. Not only that, I was constantly terrified I wasn't meant to have her and that she'd die.

I probably should have spoken to someone about that, tbh. It was a v hard mat leave. We had quite an intense relationship.

She was my difficult child, in one way or another, for about 6 years. Doors were slammed (by me). I fantasised about moving to my local supermarket cafe for some peace.But she's a fabulous tween.

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Piwlyfbicsly · 15/12/2020 21:53

It never becomes truly easy, but I like how nice it is seeing that your baby turned into a child from the age of 4-6... to whom you can talk and discuss different things, listen to their opinions and enjoy their company. I mean... baby stage doesn’t really represent all parenting, it’s a very difficult stage and I was definitely not happy. I’m sad to admit that, but it was very very hard and now I feel so much better (children in primary school).

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SlB09 · 15/12/2020 21:49

Same OP, I did have PND and it was the 'dont want to go back home' feeling that did it fore and I rang my HV, blurted it all out and the same day I was referred for counselling. It really did make a difference. I didn't magically like being a parent or feel massively more connected but I could cope with the day to day stuff in a way that didn't make my heart sink.
I reber asking my mun'is it worth it's whilst crying my eyes out! My LO is now 3 and love him to absolute bits, I still have days where I think 'bloody he'll this is hard, I'm not good at this, this is too much/intense/testing my patience, I just want to not be crawled all over but these are days now and then and not a constant feeling.
My LO has tongue tie, colic, severe reflux, cows milk allergy and soya allergy - I so get the constant crying and whining!! Genuinely think we had PTSD from those early days. Be kind to yourself but know that it will get better, in the meantime if it doesn't get better with sleep/a break etc then please speak to your HV as you do not need to feel like you do xx

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/12/2020 21:46

Push for a referral to see a paediatric dr OP- gps fob new mothers off that “this is what babies do”, this is why recently I’ve been suffering through silent reflux with my newborn. After pushing and pushing I finally had the diagnosis and have started on gaviscon which is helping!
Babies cry yes but a continual whining cry is an indication something could be upsetting their system

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Vivarium · 15/12/2020 21:44

My DS was like this. It was a nightmare. He woke every couple of hours during the night for well over a year as well. In retrospect I think he had silent reflux, but he was also just naturally irritable.

Some babies really are much, much harder than others. My friends had easier babies and I don't think they really understood.

As DS got older, he became generally happier and I finally got some enjoyment out of being a mum.

Later I had my DD and she was SO much easier and happier as a baby!! Like a different species! So it wasn't just me...

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happytoday73 · 15/12/2020 21:41

Lots of good advice on here.
Just popping in to say I found being a mum to a young baby terribly hard. The life adjustment and sheer monotonous days were horrible. My baby was restless, slept little (despite my mums intervention... Still up v early a decade later) and never managed a full baby massage class for example. I hated it despite the fact I was ok financially, supportive DH and family and didn't really feel I was in a position where could complain.
I felt like a terrible mother.
Covid undoubtedly would have made it even worse for me.
Can't add much to the suggestions above but just wanted you to know it's not uncommon. I enjoyed being back at work after 6 months. Also I loved the toddler stage and beyond... And that's a much longer time

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Koolandorthegang · 15/12/2020 21:36

Hi OP,

I really feel for you. My DD is now seven months but she was a very unsettled, unhappy baby until she was about four and a half months. There was a time when she was crying and screaming or asleep, never anything else. The GP and health nurse suggested it was colic, then silent reflux. I brought her to an osteopath, tried several colic drop brands, gavisgon etc. My neighbours were commenting on how much she was crying and telling me to bring her to the doctors (I did, many times Hmm). Nothing helped except time. She turned a corner around 4.5 months and now she’s great. Still has her moments but so much better. Please believe it will get better, it really does. Hang in there, you sound like you’re doing everything you can, try not to be so hard on yourself Flowers

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JingleJohnsJulie · 15/12/2020 21:33

And if he's FF have you tried changing the formula to another brand?

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HarryHarryHarry · 15/12/2020 21:33

My second baby was like yours - either whingeing and crying or just completely blank - and I found it very hard to connect with her and just sort of went through the motions of caring for her without really feeling anything for her for a LONG time. But she’s 1 now and her little personality is coming out and she’s an absolute treasure.

It’s tough but I think the way to get through the early weeks and months is to change the way you think about it. You have a little person who doesn’t have anybody else in the world to look after him except you. Get yourself fully into the mindset of being a parent and then try to be the kind you would want for yourself if you were him. Challenge yourself to do the best you can for him, and then even better the next day, and the next day. As he gets older, you’ll start seeing the results of all your input. It’s harder when you’re still thinking about your old life and your old self and mourning their loss!

Also if you do think it might be a PND thing, go to the doctor! I denied I had PND for a long time because I thought I was just having a perfectly normal human reaction to a crappy situation - and I still kind of do (I mean, who can honestly say they like screaming babies and shitty nappies and no sleep for days on end?!) but I think it was also more than that. So it might be worth getting yourself checked out just in case.

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JingleJohnsJulie · 15/12/2020 21:32

The gp said it wasn't tongue tie either.

Unfortunately a GP is very unlikely to be able to diagnose TT, unless you have one of the exceptional ones.

If you've read the link on tongue tie and some of the symptoms sound familiar, it really is worth getting it assessed properly Thanks

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JingleJohnsJulie · 15/12/2020 21:29

The gp did say it might be colic, and it was better for a while. It wasn't cows protein allergy because I cut out dairy and Caffeine when I breastfed him, and it didn't help. can I just ask how long you cut them out fir and did you cut out dairy completely? Milk is in bloody everything Confused

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FourPlatinumRings · 15/12/2020 21:29

I find it helps to remember that they're not crying to be annoying. They're crying for a reason, even if we can't work out what it is and it's frustrating when all you want is to solve the issue for them. Because it's upsetting when they're upset.

I had an unsettled baby. Looking back:

-She was massively overtired. We kept trying to get her to sleep in the light and noise during the day, as recommended by health visitors. This did not work for her, but we didn't know that was the problem. One day, at about four months old, my DH put her under a blanket she was screeching in a cafe. And she slept. From then on, we always put her down in the dark and quiet (even though it meant me sitting on a dark room for all her sleeps until she was six months old) and she was a different baby.

  • I had an oversupply and breastfed. This meant that she has constant severe wind and an unsettled stomach, causing her pretty constant stomach pain before she got big enough to cope with it. We did not know this at the time.


Those are the biggies for us. We looked out for them with our second born- I feed him using a variety of techniques to lessen the impact of oversupply- and he is such an easy baby by comparison. That's not to say that these are the issues for your baby, but there will be something. I know it's frustrating not to be able to find out- perhaps you'll never know, and he'll outgrow it before you figure it out- but as long as you're there for him, responding to his cries, he'll be just fine.

Be kind to yourself.
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JingleJohnsJulie · 15/12/2020 21:28

But it's come back and I'm not sure if it's colic, teething, tummy aches or wind.

If it's a tooth, can you get a clean finger in there and see if you can feel a tooth? Have you tried giving him a dose of paracetamol to see if that improves his mood? If it does, you know there's something bothering him.

For wind, have a look on YouTube for the Tiger in the Tree Hold, that usually works a treat.

And there are some tips for coping with Colic here.

The links I put on earlier should cover the tummy ache Thanks

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Babiesandboardgames · 15/12/2020 21:23

Thank you for your comment.
The gp did say it might be colic, and it was better for a while. It wasn't cows protein allergy because I cut out dairy and Caffeine when I breastfed him, and it didn't help. The gp said it wasn't tongue tie either.
Do you have any other ideas? We thought it might be teething but he doesn't have any symptoms of it(apart from crying) but any other suggestions would be welcome xxz

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museumum · 15/12/2020 21:22

It’s ok to not enjoy this stage, especially with a discontent baby. He will likely change personality entirely once he can sit / stand / walk. And everything changes when they start weaning too.
I know six weeks seems like a long time right now but by the end of January it’ll be a very different child you’ll be caring for, and before you know it he’ll be running about, laughing and then speaking.
Honestly, it’s fine to just get through this bit. You’re not a bad mum if you don’t love it.

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PlantDoctor · 15/12/2020 21:21

Sorry, cross posted with you! In response to your last comment, I'd say it gets better as they get older because they can do more and interact more. Your DS will soon be much more engaged with toys, and the comes the fun of weaning! He's also going through a developmental leap as his age which will make him more tired and grumpy, but once that's out the way it will improve some more.

Can your family come to you rather than you going to them?

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Babiesandboardgames · 15/12/2020 21:21

Thank you for your comment

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Babiesandboardgames · 15/12/2020 21:20

I'm not sure what it is that bothers him. He was always whiny between 4and 7 and that sort of went by ten weeks, and the gp said it was colic so we just took him for long walks. But it's come back and I'm not sure if it's colic, teething, tummy aches or wind. GP says he's healthy and maybe he just likes moaning, I'm nott sure.

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