My mum keeps calling my DD 'hers'...

[October13]

I know I am probably completely overreacting and being overly sensitive but I can't help that it annoys me! Every time my mum asks about her she always says "How's my baby?" "How's my girl?" or even "Our girl". I just wanna snap at her and tell her that she's mine and not hers (again I know this is silly). Has anyone else felt like this?

[johnd2]

You are not being unreasonable, your mother is not either, you are all entitled your feelings.
What you must do is communicate and be sensitive to reach other.
When a new baby comes especially a first, everyone has preconceptions of what a parent or grandparent role is, no one discusses it before hand they just try to wing it over sleep deprivation and all the rest.
Once you discuss it and realise everyone has the best of intentions, maybe it won'tSeem such q big issue on either side.
I had a moment where i stopped the pram 6 weeks baby in the supermarket and turned to look at something, when i looked back the pram was gone and mil was just disappearing down an aisle with it. My point was i want her to push him and enjoy and have a good relationship with him, but she is not to effectively grab him off me. Once that was realised on both sides it was easier (that pattern of behaviour there from the beginning but it wasn't until then it came up for direct discussion)

[yoyoyo5678]

It's a turn of phrase, don't think there's a kidnap on the horizon. She sounds like she loves her grandchild very much.

[Boomclaps]

I think it totally depends on the relationship as a whole.
My mum is my best friend in the whole wide world. I love her more than anything. She texts me every morning “how are my beautiful girls” referring to DD, the dog and I.
I don’t for a second dispute that her calling DD hers comes from a place like this. As a PP said. Look at it this way, the way you adore your DD, love her completely with ferocity and instinct, that's how your Mum feels about you and she's watched her baby produce her own baby. That baby is hers. It is part of her family.
I grew up in massive maternal family, if my grandma, my aunts, cousins and so on called DD theirs I would feel totally at peace with the fact that they are ours and we are one unit that I totally adore.

MIL on the other hand, fairweather as anything- I’ve been in a relationship with her son for seven years. Cohabitating for about 5. Have met her about a dozen times.
She has no interest in our lives. Didn’t know that Her son had retrained and got a new job, didn’t know what I did, didn’t know DD had a severe allergy.
Just invited herself over when she was feeling miserable -
Started passive aggressively calling my mum “nana number 2”, pushing her ideas about using cloth nappies and not having dummies, and saying the only way to parent was to be a SAHM. Etc.
If she calls DD “hers” I would be furious

[MazDazzle]

I agree. It depends on the relationship as a whole. Try to look outwith these comments. How is she otherwise?

What you’ve said SquigeBum strikes a chord though. My MIL would make comments such as ‘my girl’ etc whilst never, ever giving any comments that could be seen as positive towards me. For example, if I were exhausted, on the brink of tears, and complained we’d had a tough night, she’d say ‘I don’t believe it! My girl would never do that.’ Fucking unhelpful! At the time, it almost felt like she was accusing me of lying.

Out of desperation, sometimes I’d take my daughter for a walk, as that seemed to help calm her down or get her to sleep. When we returned home my MIL would declare ‘Her hands are cold! Oh my...my little darling. She’s freezing!’ And make a big show of wrapping her up.

Looking back, I wish I’d called her out on it. Fucking ridiculous behaviour! This deep concern for them only lasted while they were babies. She wasn’t interested in them once they were old enough to have their own opinion. Mothers of newborns need reassurance, not petty point scoring. Sometimes it’s hard to see what’s what though, especially with hormones raging.

I always go out of my way to reassure a new mum that I’m there for HER and support HER in any way I can. When my sister had a baby I was desperate to hold him, but he cried all the time and just wanted his mum, so I backed off even though I just want to squish him!

[MazDazzle]

By the way, he’s 2 now and still not up for my squishy cuddles! I’ve resigned myself that I’ll just have to wait,m. Maybe he’ll be up for a kick about in the park when he’s older!

[seayork2020]

My mum says things like that and as my son is not a handbag, vase, painting etc. I have no issues

[1forAll74]

A grandmother phrase, very common indeed.

[nc1000]

We had this exact problem with MIL.

DP (on my request- in hindsight I would have left it be) asked her to stop and it caused WW3, apparently she did it because she is widowed and felt like her and the baby should be a 'we' as they are the only single people so they can be each other's 'we'....

[nc1000]

Ugh swap 'we' for 'my'... too tired

[Lou2120]

@october13

Correct her. If it bothers you do it now rather than letting it go on. Tell her it bothers you. Honestly is the best way

[hopeandhorses]

I would explore why you feel threatened by that. We look at it as a casual comment because we don't know your situation or your relationship with your mother.
Does she control you? Have you set boundaries?

It's not the actual words, it's the meaning behind them that is upsetting you.