Sleep issues with 9 and 11 year olds

[PDM31]

With lockdown it's been a struggle to set a routine for our two children, one thing we're struggling on is getting them to sleep at a reasonable hour.

Last week I found a way to block their access from the internet at 10pm for xbox and Ps4 and 11pm for their ipads. However now they've resorted to watching offline stuff after 11pm.

I think now I'm going to have to take the ipads off them at 11pm. I'd say most nights my Wife is asleep before them.

Has anyone got any tips? It's also been difficult to get them out of the house for exercise. It's like living with two teenagers. The blame lies at the feet of myself and my wife however.

I'm more like the bad guy and shes the good guy. I'm more strict trying to get them into a routine than my wife.

[Mamabear12]

Also; 9am to 3pm of no screen is achievable. Get them to do things they like. After they finish school work. My kids lately like doing activity books and can spend an hour at the table doing this. They also play with their toys an hour two a day (alone). We do lego at the table or games. I juggle this with the baby. My kids will complain they are bored sometimes and I’ll pull out a book and get them to read to me. I understand it’s hard when you work. But you can set them up w activities and then work. Tag team with your wife. I set my kids up w activities for after their school work and I check up or am beside them in between breastfeeding, changing diapers, laundry, cooking etc. Perhaps if you are in charge of the kids in the morning. And your wife the afternoon. That gives you time to have full focus on work a few hours and then working while managing the kids a few hours. Then screen for them for a couple hours.

[PDM31]

The morning routine went well until I told them it was time to do 30 mins of reading and 30 mins of exercise.

My 9 year old went completely off on one, he's called his brother a Twt. He's screamed at the top of his voice he's not doing it, then called his mum a fucin pussy when she told him to be quiet.

To be honest he's usually the one who's easy going, it's my 11 year old who usually acts like this - he's started to copy. Anyway needless to say all electronic equipment have now been removed from him.

He's saying he'll read and do his exercise if can have them back. Too late for that buddy.

[Mamabear12]

Take away all electronics unless they do their school work and exercise by walking or playing sport in the park for an hour a day! You are the parent. They don’t have a choice. My kids moan about going outside sometimes, but once they are out they love it. They are 6 and 8 though so easier to force out. However; we have enforced this rule of going outside, as it’s important for physical and mental health. No screens or tv until 5:30pm. They are allowed two hours and then it’s playing or reading until bed. They are up later then normal these days, which is frustrating! As when the time changed we didn’t manage to change their sleep time. So instead of being asleep by 9pm they are sleep by 10pm. And as previous posters say iPads so late in night make it difficult to sleep. I would say no iPads after 8pm and no tv after 9pm. After that it’s reading, drawing; playing or sleep!!

[PDM31]

Last night was a lot better. They were in their beds at 10pm.

I agree with the poster about buying some educational books, their schools haven't really given them anything to do except from a few my maths tests online. I've just ordered some books, plus that way it get's them of screens and looking at books instead.

I'm going to set up a timetable today.

[ATomeOfOnesOwn]

It is hard during lockdown especially when you're trying to work but you need to be firm on certain issues. We're working from home and have an 11-yr-old too. We:
work in the same room
no electronics during schoolwork
no electronics after 9pm
no electronics in the bedroom
exercise every day
outside time every day
Sometimes, I'll let them stay up a little later to watch something as a family but the electronics times don't change.

[INeedNewShoes]

Normally when they are in school the routine is a lot better.

I think you need to accept responsibility for their routine. Some small investments of time from you will probably help a huge amount. Kids this age aren't going to just self motivate themselves all day especially when they've been conditioned to choose screens and to think they rule the roost.

I'd start by making a timetable, segmenting the day into something like:

8:30am breakfast together

9–10:30am school work. If there's none set then I'd be buying some activity books for maths/reading/science of the appropriate stage so that they have something to do.

10:30–midday free time to play - their choice but not screens. Make sure there are engaging things sitting in view for them to choose

midday: they make a simple lunch for everyone (sandwiches, wraps etc.)

12:30: lunch - sit down together to eat

1pm: you go out for a walk/bike/run with them

2–3pm: screen time

3–5pm: free time - no screens

5pm: half an hour of chores

5:30pm: half an our of screens

6pm: cook and eat dinner together. Play a short game together after (like Boggle or Dobble)

7:30pm: upstairs, get ready for bed and they can entertain themselves with books/jigsaws etc. (no screens) until lights out at 8:30pm.


If you can be brave enough to tackle the massive over use of screens you'll probably see a positive change in behaviour fairly quickly.

I'd choose an approach of getting them set up with some new fun activities (magician's set, fimo, Lego, board games). If you can show enthusiasm and find half an hour here and there to sit and do some things like this with them they might start to find other interests.

I do know how hard it is working and looking after children but a little bit of attention really goes a long way (I'm a single parent, self-employed).

[theyoniwayisnorthwards]

We both work and have a 9 and a 7 year old and I feel your pain. I’m so drained from trying to homeschool during the day and catch up with work at night and my normally super-active boys are cranky from lack of exercise and too much screen. These are unprecedented times that none of us saw coming and I don’t think you need to self flagellate.

That said, we have also learned the hard way that letting the boundaries slip just makes it harder and harder as time goes by. I also have a techie child. Screen time works but you need to change the passcode every day or so, have a different passcode for each child and when you set app limits check to see if your child has changed permissions for apps that are ‘always allowed’ (‘mine did this!).

We had a totally screen free day for the first time in months today, several tantrums, lots of playing outside, kids slept earlier and easier than usual (and I got zero work done).

[BakewellGin1]

We have kept a routine here although a very different one to normal... Ds11 day goes something like...

Wake Up 8:00 to 8.30, Bath/Shower, Teeth, Clothes, Hair.. Makes bed and brings down any washing
Breakfast and TV half hour
School Work 9.30 until 12.00
Lunch and TV or Phone Time
Goes for a jog
School Work 2.30 until 3.30
Watches a film, spends time with his brother then tea at 5.. Helps wash pots or dries then he has free time so spends it on ps4, phones friends via video calls etc
Off at 9.30, sorted for bed etc then allowed film or reading until 10 then sleep

[Sostenueto]

They can't sleep because they are spending hours and hours on their I pads gaming things and all the other tech things. It's a well known scientific fact that hours on these devices upsets their sleep patterns memory and other such things. What is a 9 and 11 yr old doing up at 11 pm? Try and get routine back as if they were going to school. After all they will be going back very soon! Good luck!

[RedCatBlueCat]

You need to get them out of the house.
We had a sugar and screen laden day in Sunday, and noone slept well that night.
It doesnt need to be exercise, but definitely get outside into the sunshine for an hour every day, ideally with some exercise as well - we have done Joe Wicks some days, biked, walked, gardened. Some sunny days I just chuck them outside for an hour.

We also have MUCH earlier bedtimes than you (just turned 9 and 11 here), and no screens for an hour before lights out.

[PDM31]

@CoronaIsComing

WTF???? Who are the parents here? You tell them when they can go on their XBoxes/ IPads and when they can’t. Honestly , I don’t get some parents.

Absolutely correct and I understand that.

I just wondered what had worked for others during lockdown. Normally when they are in school the routine is a lot better.

Plus as I said we're both working full time from home and trying to educate. The school basically have given them hardly anything to do.

[CoronaIsComing]

WTF???? Who are the parents here? You tell them when they can go on their XBoxes/ IPads and when they can’t. Honestly , I don’t get some parents.

[IndieRo]

They will resist and try and wear you out with the moaning but they will get the message. The days are long enough already, that's why I need them in bed at a reasonable time.

[IndieRo]

@PDM31, we have breakfast between 8 and 9, previously they were lying in bed and eating separately whenever they wanted to so that had to stop too. We do chores from 9 to 9.30 and then we start school work. We have two laptops that they do school work on. We do about 2.5 hours schoolwork as set out by their teachers. Then we have lunch from 12.30 to 1pm. They help me tidy up. In the afternoon they play in the garden, cycle their bikes, do arts and crafts, they like to help prepare dinner, clean my car inside and out, my daughter practice's her football and my other daughter does her hair /make up etc. I don't tell them what to do, they have to entertain themselves. Dinner is usually at 5pm and again they clean up afterwards, then it's showers and up to their room for a movie. If it's nice out they can stay playing in the garden.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

He's just told me thats not happening and he'll just start smashing things up.

Remind him that everything he smashes will need to be cleared up (by him) and then replacements will need to be paid for (out of his pocket money) and that agressive behaviour and vandalism will be met with him being confined to his room (without tech, obviously) until he's proven that it's safe to have him in the house.

[TorysSuckRevokeArticle50]

I would seriously think about physically removing devices at a certain point and restricting access beyond that.

So yes they do need access to do schoolwork but why can't that be at your kitchen/dining room table rather than in their rooms?

If they can't be trusted and bypassing the controls you put in place on the router is evidence they can't be trusted then they can't use the device in their room out of sight. That can change when they demonstrate better responsibility.

[jamandtonic]

You are the parent. So parent.

And if your ds is threatening to smash things up, then you confiscate the the tech completely for a week and he will have to pay for replacements out of his pocket money.

[PDM31]

@GreyishDays

Ours do go and find other things to do with a hard ‘no screen’ period. It surprised me actually, as usually the middle one is either out doing something active or on a screen.

Are you getting them up in the morning? I wake mine up at 8. Oldest is 11. She’s ok with bringing her phone down at ten. Younger ones don’t have screens after dinner.

Ours have taken on board some hard limits, you just need to stick to them. And tell them if they push it/sneak then they lose time the next day.

Do you need to set up a family account so you can monitor better? It sounds like you need better controls.

Yes getting them at 8 is the plan. However they were like two dead dogs this morning trying to rise.

I thought by switching the internet off their ipads at 10 it will mean they would put them down. They didn't so now it's time to physically take them off it.

Just told my 11 year old the new plan. In addition to the normal bits of schoolwork they're doing of a morning they have to do at least 30 mins of reading and 30-60 mins exercise before being allowed on their ipads/computers. He's just told me thats not happening and he'll just start smashing things up.

We're off to a great start! ha.

[GreyishDays]

Ours do go and find other things to do with a hard ‘no screen’ period. It surprised me actually, as usually the middle one is either out doing something active or on a screen.

Are you getting them up in the morning? I wake mine up at 8. Oldest is 11. She’s ok with bringing her phone down at ten. Younger ones don’t have screens after dinner.

Ours have taken on board some hard limits, you just need to stick to them. And tell them if they push it/sneak then they lose time the next day.

Do you need to set up a family account so you can monitor better? It sounds like you need better controls.

[PDM31]

@IndieRo

I'm in the same boat, 8,10 and 12 year old. Hubby out working all day and I'm at home.Hit breaking point two weeks ago, behaviour was terrible, wouldn't do chores, bed time out the window. We made the decision to take all the devices. The only thing they had was the television. Then we set a 8.30pm bed time as it was taking them at least an hour to go asleep after lights out. They go to their room at about 6.30 and are allowed watch a film on TV but that's it. If they misbehave then bed time is at 8pm the next night. They feel we are being unfair and that nobody goes to bed that early. It's working for me as they are not like zombies during the day and I know they will be asleep at 9.30pm at the latest. It's hard with three to listen to the moaning but it's worth it.

How are you managing to home school/entertain them during the day?

[IndieRo]

I'm in the same boat, 8,10 and 12 year old. Hubby out working all day and I'm at home.Hit breaking point two weeks ago, behaviour was terrible, wouldn't do chores, bed time out the window. We made the decision to take all the devices. The only thing they had was the television. Then we set a 8.30pm bed time as it was taking them at least an hour to go asleep after lights out. They go to their room at about 6.30 and are allowed watch a film on TV but that's it. If they misbehave then bed time is at 8pm the next night. They feel we are being unfair and that nobody goes to bed that early. It's working for me as they are not like zombies during the day and I know they will be asleep at 9.30pm at the latest. It's hard with three to listen to the moaning but it's worth it.

[PDM31]

Yes i agree with the majority of posts.

It's not been easy having to home school two kids and both also work full time all at home. So things have been allowed to slack.

Time to set some new boundaries.

[Natsku]

If your son can get past security features then you just need to physically take away the ipads at a reasonable time, put them in your room. They can read/write in a diary/draw or listen to audiobooks on CD to relax before bed, its much better for helping them settle to sleep. They need exercise during the day, only allow screens after they've been for a walk/cycle ride/jog. They don't have sleep issues unless they can't sleep after these measures have been taken.

[Krong]

I think it's fairly normal at the moment. I've been struggling to sleep!

What about some meditation before bed? I've done this with my children since they were babies (usually without voice, just music, and later as they were older some guided stuff) and it helps us all relax and reset. Especially before bed or when they're riled up.

[pinktaxi]

You and your DW both need to be the adults in this situation. Your children do not get to make the rules about when they turn off their iPads, or stop using gaming.

Sit down as a couple and set rules and boundaries.

Frankly I'm pretty disgusted reading your half hearted attempt to parent.