I feel awful...

[whatahorriblemum]

I'm such a bad mum, and so ashamed of my behaviour today that I've had to change my name. My ds aged 2 has been really playing me up today because he is tired - didn't go to sleep until 8pm and woke up at 6am - and this is just not enough sleep for him. So, I put him down for a nap after lunch, and have been into his room 9 times because he keeps getting out of it. The first couple of times I just picked him up and explained he needed to stay in bed and have a sleep. The rest of the times I smacked him .
He just keeps getting out, even after I made him cry because I threw him on the bed. What is wrong with me? I feel so horrible.

[80sMum]

Take heart, wahm. There can't be very many parents out there who haven't 'lost it' at some time or another with their children and later regretted it. We're all only human and we all have our breaking points - and there's nothing like a difficult toddler to help you discover just where your breaking point is! The important thing is that you stopped before it got too far and decided to post your feelings here instead - thank goodness for MN; what a great means of 'unloading' it is. I so wish that such a lifeline had been around when my own children were small - a problem unburdened tends to diminish in intensity, and I hope you felt calmed and reassured by the other posts (even the more judgemental ones); it's just good to know that there's always someone 'out there' to listen. You come across as a lovely, caring mum who's a bit scared of what she may be capable of doing when she's angry, and upset that she's not the 'perfect mum' that she would like to be (wouldn't we all?!). Just accept that being 'good enough' is OK; you don't have to be perfect; you are allowed to make mistakes - learn from them and move on. Try to understand yourself and then if you can, find ways of avoiding or preventing those situations that really 'get you going.' If that's not possible, and if you feel yourself losing control, remove yourself from the situation by going into another room for a few minutes to give yourself space to calm down; try to avoid smacking if you can, as it's all too easy to really hurt a child when we're feeling really angry. You're doing OK, and you're not a horrible mum.

[marthamoo]

Wahm, you don't think of them at the time because you get yourself locked into a downward spiral where you just get more and more cross - it's easy for someone else to say "oh well, you should have done that." Much harder to put into practice when you're in that situation. If you can stay calm though, and defuse the situation - getting out of the house always helps - you at least don't have to contend with the guilt afterwards of knowing you could have handled it better.

Sometimes I've found myself tantrumming right back at my two year old - and it's so hard to take a step back and say "hang on, I'm the adult here!"

Hope you all get some sleep and have a better day tomorrow.

[whatahorriblemum]

nikkim

[nikkim]

see we can be nice

[whatahorriblemum]

thankyou so much all you kind mn's, for all those really practical things to try. Why is it that I don't think of these things at the time? . Reflecting on today, I realise how I could have diffused the matter, it all seems so logical now but in the heat of the moment.... well, it's all a huge learning experience. Just checked on them sleeping, and feel so protective of them.

[marthamoo]

Wahm,

Definitely, the next time you feel like that - stick him in the buggy and go for a walk. Benefits are numerous: 1. You're unlikely to lose your temper/smack him in public 2. You will feel calmer and more in control for getting out of the house 3. He will probably drop off to sleep without any fuss.

Don't beat yourself up about it - tomorrow is a whole new day, and I hope it's a better one for you.

[nikkim]

I am not condoning smacking for one minute but I don't believe there is a parent in the world who hasn't smacked or felt like smacking their child.

My dd is very demanding and she has pushed me to my limits, when this has happened I have either run her a bath with lots of toys and bubbles to diffuse the situation, water always cheers her up. Or a similar tactic put on our coats and go out, gives us both a break and even if i am still finding it hard I know I have to act calm because I am in public!!

If she is being moody and difficult because she is tired I put on a video or cbeebies give her a blanket and leave her to watch on her own while I sit in another room with a cup of tea - in desperate times it has been something stronger- while we both calm down. Sometimes she goes to sleep other times it just gives us both time to calm down.

I don't like smacking but I have done it - and regretted it - that doesn't make me a bad parent just one who struggles and maybe needs more support - don't we all. On the rare occasions I have smacked her I have also gone back and apologised to dd when we have both calmed down and explained that sometimes I find it very hard when she has a tantrum which is why I smacked her but I will try not to do it again and can she try not to have such wobblers!! I am not sure if your ds is old enough for that conversation although he will understand a big hug.

I hope everything is ok.

[WestCountryLass]

When I have been unfair to my DS (I have never smacked him though, not that it matters) I have sat down with him and talked about what happened and apologised. If I were you I would have taken a few minutes to get my head together then sat down with him with him and said that you thought he was tired because you were and you wanted him to go to sleep so you could have a rest as well and when he did not go to sleep you got angry because you were tired and that you are sorry for smacking him. Then I would ask him what he wanted to do the rst of the afternoon and go and do something nice together to make up for what had happened.

FWIW, rather than resorting to smacking him which as you have found out will not help in those circumstances, maybe you could encourage a quiet time where he watches a video/CBeebies and reads books and has a rest even if he doesn't got to sleep?

[bundle]

wahm, my dd1 stopped having naps at 2 and the transition was tricky, especially if she'd had a bad night. I can't see what's wrong with enid's post. you felt bad about the situation, so did enid. what you have described happens to many people, every day, and like enid wondered if you & your ds would benefit from a break. i'm sorry that it's made you feel worse, i'm sure it wasn't intended to.

[whatahorriblemum]

soupdragon - that's exactly what has just happened lol! I've just gone to check on him, and he's fallen asleep sitting up on the sofa... awww!
Why oh why are they so stubborn Now I've got to wake him up to go and pick up kids from school!!!

[neetsmassi]

Agree with Agy - try a walk in the buggy - or a drive in the car - that usually gets most kids off (not very green I know but sometimes you have to do it).

[agy]

Ah - that's ok then.

[SoupDragon]

I'm guessing that what's wrong with you is that you're tired too, WAHM. I get wound up easily by my DSs if I'm tired or have been in their sole company for any long period of time. You know what you did wasn't right so just give him a hug, apologise, tell him you love him and put it behind you.

Rather than putting him to bed when you know he's tired and needs a nap, try putting him in front of the TV with a video or CBeebies on. 9 time out of 10 DS2 (3 1/2) will simpy fall asleep by himself on the sofa like this whereas he'd kick up a fuss if I tried to put him to bed for a formal nap.

[agy]

I reckon, like Misdee - pop him in the buggy and see if a walk will get him off. Try and find somewhere quiet.

[Angeliz]

Oh, glad you're both o.k+

[enid]

Oh blimey, don't let me put you off, you've got enough support here anyway wahm, surely it doesnt have to be unanimous??

Anyway, FWIW, I am very happy that you have made up with your son.

[MUMINAMILLION]

sorry whata - didnt mean to rant when you needed support. These thoughtless comments just make me so upset. Am shaking and angry on your behalf.

I hope you are feeling a little better now. x

[whatahorriblemum]

thankyou, most of you, for taking the time to post - i feel ok, have had lots of hugs and cuddles with ds and he is fine, happily watching tv . The heat has passed, the reason I didn't phone a friend was because I just needed to chill for a few minutes and compose myself.
It is sad about MN now isn't it? That you can't turn to it when you just need a few positive comments, and different views of how you could have dealt with something?

[poppyseed]

I vote for the cuddle, especially with a cry and a kiss to make friends again.

[poppyseed]

Here here lou33

[Heathcliffscathy]

hopefully either asleep or getting cuddle from his mum and cuddling her back...

[Angeliz]

wahm, can you possibly get someone to watch ds for an hour while you take a walk?
(Or is the situation already better??- where is he??)

[Heathcliffscathy]

wahm?