My son is so different

[auntysocial]

I've just been watching my kids playing outside with the kids down the street. My 6 year old is a typical lad, my 8 year old however seems so "different" to the others. He was trying to explain to one of the boys outside that our houses were built during the 2nd world war and the other kid just raised an eye brow and said "ya what??" as if he was stupid. Then a little girl threw her sweet wrapper on the floor and my ds started kicking off saying it was illegal to throw rubbish on the floor and that it caused rats, was dangerous to wildlife and damaged the environment and they all just looked at him as if he was an alien.

Even after they carried on playing DS was still concerned about the sweet wrapper warning her that she could be fined. When she went to ride a bike that was too big for her DS warned her that she should try a bike that was more for her age range and they all burst out laughing she then asked them all "do you think I can ride it?" and ds replied "I think you should pick that sweet wrapper up..." etc.

He gets bullied at school and I think this is why but whilst I'm proud of who he is, I don't want him to continue to get bullied throughout childhood.

Is he really different from most 8 year olds or is it just the kids around here are not on his "level"?

[princessmel]

The boy I look after is a bit like this. He is on a different level to lots of the boys in his class. He doesn't like silly or naughty games and fads like yu gio cards etc.
He has friends but has been picked on in the past.
He has older brothers and his house is very intellectual. He reads the times at breakfast. They dont watch x factor etc!
He's a lovely boy though and I'm sure your son is too. Does he have any friends who are similar?

[Isababel]

Thanks Aloha, I have added it to the next Amazon order.

[Anna8888]

I think he's different from the children around him. He sounds as if he is very thoughtful and intelligent. Maybe he needs a different school?

[pagwatch]

Xenia,
I think that is perfectly reasonable. Of course I would prefer that my son did not have any issues - particularly as his are so severe that I worrry terribly about what will happen to him when I am too old or not here anymore to care for him.
People were reacting to the 'oh my god how terrifying' type reaction from an earlier poster - that is all.

It is hard to see this kind of reaction because it is not unusual and because it has as its undertone the concept that an autistic child looses their humanity - that a child with adhd is a child with some issues but a child IS autistic, as if it defines them rather than being another crop of symptoms. Does you see what I mean ( a bit early for me )

[kittylouise]

Your ds sounds lovely. However it must be so hard for you to see that he is not mixing well with others, and is being misunderstood and teased.

When growing up, my brother and I were complete misfits, in different ways. We were just both interested in different things than our peers, and couldn't relate at all. I became chronically shy and introverted, my brother was the opposite and was proud of his differences. We were not exactly bullied, but we were both scorned, laughed at and mocked, which was hard.

I think we just took our time to develope social skills, now we are both incredibly social and confident, but it took until our twenties to feel that we 'fitted in' somehow. I certainly have no feelings of inadequacy and freakiness, as I during my childhood and teens.

I hope things work out for your son, and he makes some friends, as it is horrible to feel so isolated and eccentric as a child.

Somehow, though, my dd must have been born with terrific social skills, is a real mixer, joins in with everything and is popular and confident. Wish that I was like that as a child!

[Judy1234]

I don't think it's wrong to suggest most parents would prefer not to have a child with special needs, surely? Obviously you love them and in some cases are very pleased you have a diagnosis and know what the issue is but most parents would prefer their child didn't have those needs.

There are also children who are "nerdy" to use someone else's word or very clever or just individual/eccentric in all schools and groups of children who do not have special needs. They are just different personalities. It would be awful if every class at school were full of clones. As aloha says particularly as they get older (teenagers etc) then those groups do tend to stick together and the rather strange nerdy ones or whatever words you want to use will get teased by others etc but I don't think you can cut it down into two groups - normal and nerd. It's much more complex than that and children in schools tend to find a group they are comfortable with of friends more like them unless they are a complete loner.

[gess]

If you want to explain ways to behave to him I'd really recommend looking into social stories (type it into google along with Carol Grey (Gray?) and you'll find the info). Yes they were originally designed for spectrummy children but you don't need a diagnosis for them to be useful. They're a good way of explaining the rules of the game to any child who isn't quite getting it.

[aloha]

Isababel, well, I do think it is very useful but my ds is only five, and I think it will come into its own more as he gets older. I have found it useful as an insight into different personality types too - including ds's and even my own!
My ds does have friends at school (despite the Aspergers!) and has been to quite a few parties and isn't being bullied. If I felt his social skills meant no friends and bullying I would certainly be more proactive. We have other more pressing problems at the moment. I do spend time with him explaining which behaviours are more socially acceptable than other though. I think it's my job tbh, with a child like mine. He enjoys having friends and it's important to him.
IMO it's fine - wonderful! - to disapprove of dropping litter and great to be interested in history. BUT...not so great to go on about your interests to people who clearly don't care, or to nag other children. We all do have our pet subjects that are dull to other people, I'm sure. But it can be helpful to our children to gently point this out.

[pointydog]

8ish 9ish is the age when most kids stop being such sticklers for the rules and it becomes a negative thing to tell others the right and wrong of the matter or clipe on mates.

I think a little gentle suggestion that he shouldn't tell others what to do might help, if you've not already.

Your son, of course, is wonderful. His type of character isn't particularly uncommon, but yes, he will be different from most 8 year olds in this particular respect.

[Aefondkiss]

oh auntysocial he does sound like a wee old man, which I don't think is a bad thing, but it will probably make his life more difficult, because he is not relating to his peers.... it does sound like he is very mature to be thinking such things, but I can see he is different and being different is not always the easiest thing to be when you are a child....

I do think you could take heart in the fact that he is beating his own path, would you really want to change him? He does sound very sweet.

[Isababel]

Aloha, has the book improved the social skills of your DS? did you see a good diference (Isabel starts counting pennies to see if she should get yet another book to help DS in this month)

[aloha]

He doesn't have to learn to drop litter to fit in, btw! Just not go on and on and on at people who do

[aloha]

Auntysocial's ds is clearly right about the litter, but that doesn't mean his social skills are right. Even in 'academic private schools' poor social skills are a recipe for unhappiness. My stepdaughter goes to one, and there are bossy, nerdy girls who may be on the spectrum who are shunned - not bullied exactly, but not totally happy either, I would guess.
If your child was struggling with reading or writing and it was having an impact on their happiness, you would try to help. I think social skills are the same. If they are completely happy being an oddball and they have one or two great friends, well, that's fine - fantastic. If they have no friends and are being bullied, and you can help them fix things, why on earth not try?
I found the book a fascinating read anyway. And very practical.
It doesn't stop them ALSO joining a maths after-school club or a chess club or whatever, in order to find twin souls.
I have to explain to ds exactly WHY it's not his job to boss other people about and why people don't like it. Some children, ASD or not, just need a little more help with social rules and conventions.

[cornsilk]

aloha - I think what yo sai was ok

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[aloha]

As I posted, I have a child with Aspergers. I find posts saying 'omg' and 'shut up you will scare the poor woman' really offensive, actually.
His behaviour does sound similar to ASD behaviour, as I said. It is not helpful IMO to say, don't try to change him if he is unhappy and being bullied. I think the book I recommended is excellent for all children having social difficulties, ASD or not. Aspergers is not a term of a abuse, you know.

[Judy1234]

He sounds lovely. I would hope both my 8 year olds would points out if any child dropped litter.

In mmy twins' two classes (0f 20 boys each in a private school) I would guess about 20% of the class is a bit different not in an aspergers way actually but just a bit precious some of them, some prone to crying for no reason, some more mummy's boys than others, some very very clever but at age 8 there just isn't as much bullying as children tend to suffer when they're 13+ so I don't think it's a major problem at all. They tend to group with similar children if they're able to group/have friends at all.

As they get older they tend to learn what makes other children laugh at them and what doesn't which is quite sad, it's a loss of innocence really.

i do think an academic private school helps but I realise that's completely unhelpful for most people who can't afford it or just him finding friends into what he is into in due course and hanging out with them which is the usual solution too.

[pagwatch]

ummm -NT&E whilst i see what you mean I think omg and shut up are pretty harsh.
As the mother of a child with AS I am not sure why the idea that a child may have high functioning AS or aspergers is so horrendous it should not even be mentioned.
And in fairness the OP is sufficiently concerned to post here and ask for honest opinions about her child being different.
She also did not post "is my son different becuase he talks about the enviroment and history" Her post included her DS being overly persistent about what the other children saw as a minor issue and talking about subjects without seeming to realise that the other children were not interested and found it funny. That is a very different thing.
I spent a recent weekend with a charming boy with aspergers who simply cannot understand that not everyone wants to talk about the same things as him/ Aspergers kids CAN be like that.

I personally think he sounds like a kid who just has different interests but I don't think that anyone raising something that could feasibly be a possibility should be told to shut up as if it is so beyond the pale. There are probably people contibuting to this site who have AS/aspergers !

[NattyThomasandEllen]

omg are you serious? so just because he is concerned about the environment (pos covered in school recently) and interested in history he is autistic? shutup you will scare the poor woman

[EdwardG]

Obviously it's hard to comment without meeting the lad, but some of the traites your describing sound like high functioning autistic behaviours.

The sweet rapper story reminds me of one of the guys I work with.

Loads of really intelegent chaps on the spectrum experence very similar issues. Normally people who are mild or just touching the spectrum.

[NattyThomasandEllen]

my BIL is the same he is 8 too and yesterday we were on the train playing 20 questions and his person he thought of was ANN WIDICOMBE!
there will be loads of kids out there the same, he may well find some more like him at senior school

try not to worry

xxx

[aloha]

He sounds lovely, and I am totally with him re the litter (!) but I can see why he isn't making friends, frankly. He will be lonely if he thinks he can nag and correct people. It is infuriating and odd. I say this as the mother of a son with Aspergers who shouts at children coming down the slide, 'not like that! You could be killed!' - it makes me laugh, but I know he can't carry on like that if he wants to make friends. And of course, being bullied is making him miserable. I think he does need to change the way he behaves in social situations.
This book is good, I think. www.amazon.co.uk/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b/20?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 3-1344803-9739124
What do his teachers say about his friendships?

[MellowMa]

Message withdrawn

[hk78]

auntysocial and everyone on this thread: my dd1 is just like this too

shall we all form some kind of club?where the kids can be different together lol

i worry about dd1 getting bullied or ignored at school, it happens already, but what can you do? i wouldn't want to change her, it's all those other kids that have got a problem

[3madboys]

sounds like he would get on brilliantly with my ds1, who just turned 8 in august.

he too is 'different' to all the other kids and has few friends at school because of it, it sounds like your ds reads a lot? to know the stuff he does? like my ds, he has a head full of the most amazing facts and information etc and can talk for hours about stuff, but kids his age wont listen to him at all his teachers and lots of others have said that he is too grown up and he talks like an adult making it difficult for other kids to relate to him etc.

but what can you do? you cant change your child, and like you i wouldnt want to, they will both grow up to be wonderful, caring, considerate men. i did a thread about my ds on bmc a while ago as i have the same concerns as you and i got some fantastic replies, lots of people saying they had similar childen or their brothers were similar etc and turned out well