Help - 8 day old baby and not sure i can cope...

[oysterpots]

My baby is 8 days old and we've been back from the hospital for 2 days now (he had pneumonia so we were in for longer than had hoped).

I hated being in the hospital but now that we're home I'm finding things really hard. I've got these terrible feelings of anxiety which are making me sick and have totally lost my appetite. I know that the tiredness and sleep deprivation have probably got a lot to do with this, but I can't help pining for my old life and feeling like we've made a terrible mistake.

Please tell me everyone goes through this and that it gets better! I just feel so alone

[marie1978]

thank you SO much for posting this, makes me feel better.
the first couple of weeks, I was genuinely questioning whether or not I'd done the right thing having a baby. I felt like I was never going to sleep again, never going to be able to cook a meal again, never going to be able to eat a meal with my husband again without one of us consoling a baby etc etc. And on top of that, I felt awful for feeling like that, especially as everyone kept saying "Oh, don't you just love her more than anything in the world? isn't she wonderful?" and I'd think, well, yes, I do love her (I think) but at the same time it feels like she is slowly and systematically torturing me!
Now, at 10 and a half weeks things are a lot better. Most nights she is in bed by 9pm so we eat together. Most nights she sleeps for at least 6 hours and only has a couple of feeds, so I am no longer a sleep deprived zombie. Last night was dreadful, and me and DP were both sitting together saying "if you knew it was like this, would you have wanted children?" We decided we would, but only if we'd also known how amazing it is when they smile at you, start playing with their own reflection, how gorgeous their little tiny feet are etc.
Sorry to ramble on, good luck!

[Katy44]

fantastic post by morningpaper
whatever problem you're having now, in a couple of weeks you'll have a new one...hang on, i was supposed to be helping
In a few weeks your LO will smile at you for the first time
In a month or so he'll grow out of his first size clothes
At some point very soon you might even consider doing it all again!

[Leati]

I know I felt very insecure the first time I was left alone with newbie. Don't worrly it gets better. Pretty soon you will be an old pro. In the mean, you can get on MN if you need help or advice.

[mckenzie]

that was of course supposed to have been

[mckenzie]

I've just remembered a post-it note that I was given by a good friend to put on my fridge door. It said "you need to have some bad days so that you can recognise the good ones!"
[smile[

[oysterpots]

hello everyone

thanks so much for your words of wisdom - it's a great comfort to think that everyone goes through this and that it will get better.

it already has got a bit better in fact, and we had a good day today with a long walk and lunch out. so a big improvement on yesterday.

i really appreciate how everyone on mumsnet is just so honest about all this. it seems awful thinking about my baby in any way other than positive but to know that i'm not the only one makes it more bearable.

thanks again everyone x

[meandmy]

i felt down about three days post birth my mw said it was my body getting rid of the pg hormones i cried all day made my sister take my dd as i said i didnt love her (i did was tired /hormonal)
i felt lonely too talkig is good it will get better mention how your feeling to your mw/hv they can keep an eye out then

[GibbonInARibbon]

Hope you are ok oysterpots

[WaynettaSlob]

Oysterpots - I think most of us have been there, and it DOES get better...give it a few more days for you to feel like yourself again, and after that everything gets better bit by bit.

[theprecious]

great advice - ds is a month old tomorrow (ekk where did the month GO??) and that's a really good list.

[tibsy]

oysterpots, you're feeling like this. it will pass. Motherhood is such a lifechanging thing, possibly the biggest thing a woman will do i think, and its completely natural to have moments when you just think 'oh s**t,what have we done?'
it really does get easier and theres so much to look forward to, holding your lovely baby in you arms and watching them sleep,the first smile, the first laugh/word, it just gets better and better.

Morning Paper's post just sums up what you should be doing at this stage, wish i hadnt tried to do too much in the first week,... i learnt pretty quickly tho
take care of yourself xx

[AuntJetPetunia]

Are you there, Oysterpots? How are you doing?

[haychee]

Motherhood is quite lonely, but you have to make the most of what youve got. Your lucky its summer and you can at least take babe for a little walk or sit out in the garden or park. When i had dd1 it was winter and it was bloody miserable.
Id say another week or two at most and youll start to feel more human again. Grin and bear it for the time being, it soes settle down. Youll find youll move from one problem straight onto another, weather it be weaning, potty training, teething or whatever. In my experience (nearly 7yrs now) i cant say that ive had much respite from one problem or another. There always seems to be something for me to be anxious about. At the moment its coping with them both at home without killing them or letting them kill eachother.

Im afraid you have no choice but to get on with it. I told myself this several times over during my times of dispair as a mother. I have no choice, but to get on with the problems in hand and suffer the difficult times until they pass.

Something someone else told me once was to make a concious effort to get out of the house (with or without child if poss) at least once a day even just for 10minutes. It does make a difference, just to get the fresh air and a little exercise. Also, then you have a focus other than the child, even if it be just a walk to the shop to get some milk.

Good luck and keep your pecker up!

[KITTENSOCKS]

Oysterpots, I really do sympathise. I remember feeling afraid to go out for the first 2-3 weeks after the birth of my son, in case I needed to feed him, sore nipples, episiotomy and piles giving massive pain. I had no appetite either, despite eating for England while pregnant.
The midwife told me I was really confident with DS, I didn't believe her, a work colleague of DH said I looked better than she had after childbirth, I didn't believe her !
And a (then) child free friend brought me some magazines (Cosmopolitan and Red) but I couldn't bear to look at the thin and glamorous models, it just made me feel ugly and inadequate. BUT the light at the end of the tunnel came at 3 weeks post-natal, when I could finally drive again, body was healing, and I was out of shock.
Take each day as it comes. Be kind to yourself. Sleep when he sleeps. Find support in other new mums. Look on parenthood as embarking on a new career.

[Sakura]

Yes, totally normal. Can you try to take one day at a time. I was amazed that each weak was slightly better than the week before. I thought I was going to be in hell for ages, but its not like that. Youll find at 3 weeks that shell sleep for slightly longer, for example. And at 4 weeks, itll be a little quicker to get out of the house. The change sneaks up on you. <br /> Just try to get through each day, and when the week finishes, look back at how difficult the baby was the previous week compared to this week, and Im sure you`ll start to feel a bit better. My baby had colic and screamed all evening, so sorry if your baby is like this too! It does pass.

[funnypeevesculiar]

what mp said.
specially the slings & getting out thing. DS was born in Feb (not known for walking weather ) and I STILL went out every day

Don't get the paper thing myself ... but then I stocked up on fiction paperbacks when pg - give me pretend life everytime

[margoandjerry]

agree with tribpot.

If you are bfing you need the sofa, the remote control, the phone and a constant supply of tea and cakes by your side. Settle in for the duration.

Nothing else needs to be done. Ditto formula but you might have to get someone to wash a bottle for you now and again.

[skatergirl]

I am sure you are right that sleep deprivation is largely to blame. You should try and tell your midwife, health visitor or gp how you are feeling - they should be able to help you through it.

[tribpot]

Oh my god - the wind that's too windy! I had completely forgotten that, but that genuinely is a valid concern for a first-time mum. I obsessed about stuff like that!

[tribpot]

God, yes. I hated hearing the "it gets better" advice. You've had a very rough start and at the beginning it just seems endless and horrifying and - yes, it does get better but right now you just have to figure out how to survive.

You need to take care of you and ds. That's the only priority. As long as you are fed and warm nothing else matters. Not the housework, not the post that needs answering, not the phone calls that should be returned. All of that can wait. I genuinely regard an essential of first-time parenthood to be a hard disk recorder full of crap-but-good telly so that you can just slob out on the sofa and not have to worry about disturbing a sleeping baby to get up and change the DVD.

I still have moments when I think "we've made a terrible mistake" (ds is 2) but they are moments. I know, and you will come to know in time, we have done the best, hardest, most amazing thing in our lives. If only it didn't have be so effing hard as well! As Tom Hanks said in A League of Their Own "the hard is what makes it great".

Whereabouts are you? I guarantee there are MNers nearby who will want to meet and coo and hopefully help you feel less alone.

[margoandjerry]

oh oyster!

I think you're getting the message loud and clear on here...it's normal to feel awful despite all the cards arriving showing beautiful chubby babies smiling like angels. Fact is newborns are ugly, noisy and awful!

I was "lucky" in that I had phlebitis after the birth so literally could not walk. We had to hire a maternity nurse to bring her to me and then take her away again. In retrospect, it gave me time to recover. Had this situation for about three - four weeks after the birth. Plus you've been really ill. No wonder you feel horrible.

Also, things get better. Things got more manageable after four weeks or so and were sorted by 3 months. But don't worry if you don't feel bonded. I fell in love with my daughter when she first laughed at about 3.5 months. Before that I felt very responsible for her and I was constantly worried about her but I didn't feel the joy of love for her.

Come on here lots and tell us how awful it is. You'll love it soon enough. Promise.

[veryverytiredmum]

This message could have been mine just over four years ago. My first son (I had waiting over 10 years for him) came 5.5 weeks early, I actually went into labour whilst at work. I desperately loved him, but did not know how I would ever cope. My first day out was when he was 4 weeks old (I had to walk from one end of the village to get him registered) - it was the most awful thing I have ever done, the cars were too fast, the "youths" too scarey, the wind too windy etc. You do get through it, the best is yet to come. [GRIN]

[Wilkie]

BTW - I think my BFs exact words to me about a week after the birth of her DD was 'Wilkie, honestly, I think I could chuck her out of the window in the middle of the night when she is crying and just won't stop'.

You are not alone.

[Wilkie]

Oh god Oyster I could have written that post 6 months ago (in fact I think I did).

It does get easier, it took me about 8 weeks to bond properly with my DS and I felt hugely guilty for feeling that way.

He is now the most amazing little man in my life, I utterly uttlery adore him and wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Morningpapers advice is excellent. Please follow it - wish I'd had that 6 months ago.

[Tamdin]

well said MP
I think that should be handed out in hospital with the Bounty packs!

for oysterpots i felt exactly the same way for at least the first month and it is because you're tired and no-one can prepare you for the total sense of loss you feel for your old life.

IT DOES GET BETTER. MY ds is 18m old now and I love him so much it hurts and our life together as a family is wonderful.