Feel like I'm sinking

[singingpinkmonkey]

Firstly I apologise for this post as it's me feeling sorry for myself and moaning.

I'm a new mum to my beautiful 10 day old DS and I feel like I am not doing very well.

Today he has spent all afternoon (from 12ish - 5) screaming with occasional 10 minute bursts of sleep. My DH has finally rocked him to sleep. I am currently sat anxiously watching his crib waiting for him to cry again. I just feel so clueless and pathetic. I know some of it is down to hormones but I have spent much of the past few days crying and frantically googling for answers from everything from feeding to sleep routines.
We had a rocky start as I've struggled to breast feed due to my baby having tongue tie and me having flat nipples so now am trying to express breast milk with a crappy Tommee Tippee hand pump and giving that to DS alongside formula.

I read so many books while I was pregnant on what to do when the baby was here but just fee overwhelmed and confused. Everyone else seems to cope brilliantly and have happy babies and I just feel like I'm failing massively and that the poor mite hasn't got the mummy he deserves.

I don't know what I'm expecting by posting this - I know rationally that babies just cry sometimes and that there are a lot of new mums worse off than me but just felt the need to write something down. Does this get easier?

[mainlywingingit]

Oh yes great call on the visitors.... that bit I found really stressful. People can wait- give them a white lie that you are not recovered from stitches or something to bide you time.

Try to roll with the blurry haze than fight it. It stays blurry for about 6 weeks and then you come out the woods at 10 - 12 weeks but these times can differ of course.

Try not to aim for being perfect mum as it's really virtually impossible and also not necessary! You just try your best on that day and if it goes tits up - well, tomorrow is another day!

Sleep deprivation was a key thing for making me feel bad. It's annoying to be told try to sleep when the baby sleeps but it is quite important.

Try to enjoy it - it's a magical time too x

[OldBooks]

Good to hear you are feeling a bit better OP. Be kind to yourself, ditch the books and go with your instincts, and repeat ad nauseam that "this is just a phase".

[singingpinkmonkey]

I am so thankful at how supportive everyone has been on this thread. It really has helped to read everyone's responses. I felt so down last week and although I'm still not back to normal, I at least feel like I'm not on my own. Thank you all

[Harveyrabbit76]

Hi, my DD is nearly 6 months old and it's only now that I feel I know a bit more about what I am doing! You are doing brilliantly and just focus on that. Use the books for basic advice but otherwise ignore. I thought I could get my baby into a routine and I think I stressed myself out. Also people kept telling me to trust my instincts but I was so tired that I felt I didn't have any! Try and sleep when you can. Forget housework. Make a list of things for husband to do. Our baby cried for 4 hours every night at one point and I thought I would seriously lose it but it was just a phase as all these things are. Make sure you have some sort of time to yourself and remember this isn't forever.

[Splandy]

Not sure if this has already been suggested, but the sure start will loan you hospital grade pumps for expressing. I also had home visits from a woman from the breast feeding network. The only reason I managed to breastfeed is because of her and my very involved midwife.

I was on my second baby and was an absolute wreck when we brought him home! I was convinced I had a blood clot, convinced he was starving and going to die... just sat there crying at the midwife with my dressing gown open and my breasts out. Everybody thought it was my first baby

[singingpinkmonkey]

Thank you all so much for your replies and reassurance. I felt very low last week and at my lowest I had to leave the baby crying in his crib while I rang my mum in tears and just said I didn't know what I was doing.

It is reassuring to know that other mums have felt like this too. I just felt so guilty for feeling so miserable even though I have this beautiful (albeit screaming) baby. My DP is lovely and supportive but he is so so laid back I think he finds it difficult to understand how I'm feeling so low. He is fantastic at comforting the baby though so has been doing his fair share.

I have decided to step away from the books for a bit as think they were just confusing me and also I have decided not to agree to any visitors this week. I have had so many people coming to the house and having to entertain. Although I am super grateful and think everyone means well, I can't face anymore and I think it's stressful for my baby!

Thank you all so much again, it really does help to know I'm not on my own. I hope it settles down and I start to feel better soon.

Xxx

[gosh123]

You will be fine. It's so normal to be feeling how you are..
I was the same and I cried and cried the first 2 weeks.. Felt so overwhelmed by it all..
But 10 months later were both still here and happy, we survived and you will too.. It's just time.. Get as much help and sleep as you possibly can that's so important..
And remember your not alone xx

[Mama2708]

@amysmummy12345 😂😂 honestly I thought It'd never stop. It must be a hormone thing!!

[amysmummy12345]

mama the sweating! I'd forgotten the sweating!!

[Mama2708]

This is so normal and you are so not alone

This will pass eventually and I promise you that you will find your own routine that suits your little family, things absolutely do get better. Every baby is totally different and for me it was just trial and error until we found what worked for us.

The first week or so I was literally full of adrenaline and hormones and then motherhood hit me like a brick.
I had so much love for my little tiny baby but I literally spent most of my time sweating, crying, eating or just generally bumbling through the day 😂😂😂 Oh and throw in loads of visits from people you hate whilst you sit there on auto pilot, probably still dressed in a dressing gown covered in baby sick, wishing they'd just leave you to be a tired mess in peace.

There's always someone you know who's got the perfect baby and seems to have their sh#t together but I assure you, we all have those days where we want to die from tiredness and I bet most of the mamas on here have felt like you do.

You are doing a great job, each day is an achievement and another step closer to finding the right routine for you all.

Enjoy these early days as they go so quick, hang in there mama

X

[OldBooks]

How are you doing OP? Hope today was a bit easier

[amysmummy12345]

Just been on google as i'd never heard of flat nipples, only inverted ones. They're seems to be lord of tips about breastfeeding with them though, such as hand expressing some out before feeds so that the boob isn't so engorged when baby goes to latch, hope some of these help?

[876TaylorMade]

There is no right or wrong...

All babies are different, while books are a good insight nothing prepares you for YOUR baby. All advice should be taken with a pinch of salt.

I think most mothers will tell you they fumbled through the first year ... you are doing just fine.

At this age... as PP have said its more about cuddles... feeding, winding, and nappies.

If you need a break let your DP look after him while he sleeps and run yourself a nice bath... I used to take half hour in the shower to relax... washed my hair and shaved my legs. I'd also do morning feeds and have coffee in bed while DH looked after our DD. Try to see if you can find at least 10 mins to regroup each day , it helped me massively as DD was on the breast every hour and it all seemed unrelenting, but it does get easier.

[Mysterycat23]

Nct does not have a link the buggers

[Mysterycat23]

It's called newborn cues

[PurpleBun]

Firstly, congratulations!

Another vote here for "massively normal"! My DS is 5 months now, and we've come such a long way since those first few weeks.

Like you, I have flat nipples and found breastfeeding so difficult. My nipples ended up a mess and were so painful (lasinoh is fantastic).

I tried a MAM hand pump and it was worse than useless - my boob hurt, my hand hurt, and I had no milk to show at the end of it. My DP did lots of reading around it - the flat nipples make it harder to express comfortably, and different brands have success for different women. I found that a Tommee Tippee electric pump works well for me.

I sobbed at times, convinced that I was an awful mother, terrified I would never get more than 30 minutes sleep at a time. Thankfully my DP was amazingly supportive and helped both my DS and me. I can't count the number of times I sat crying with DS when trying to feed, and how many times DP would sit with me and talk through everything.

Luckily my milk supply kicked in, I finally found a position that DS would feed in (for quite a while it took both DP & I to get DS to latch - DP's never touched my boob so often!), and DS settled down for feeding.

Until we got to that point though, there were a few times we topped up a feed with formula, and there were numerous times DP & I discussed going to pure FF.

I feel your pain OP (as I think all new mothers do!). And I definitely agree with a PP about biscuits next to your bed - lifesavers!

Best of luck with it all

[Mysterycat23]

6 day old PFB here!! Watching you tube videos of baby facial expressions and what they can mean has helped me massively to better see what he wants before he starts full on screaming for it. That was the starting point and now I'm learning what other little sounds faces and gestures he makes to communicate beyond the classic ones. I think nct have a link to vids?

[OldBooks]

Posted too soon...

Was also going to say that expressing is hard. I had so much milk (huge engorged breasts, waking up in a puddle of leaked milk) and I could hardly get anything even with an electric pump. There is just some hormonal/emotional aspect missing. Try not to get hung up on BF - my DD wasn't thriving and I agonised for days about giving up BF but when I caved both DD and I were so much happier.

Also while I agree with PP that the way you feel is normal, if it doesn't go away please talk to your GP or HV about PND

[OldBooks]

It is so so hard. Google "4th trimester". Surrender to the idea that your job now is cuddling and feeding the baby. Don't worry about anything else. Stay in bed all day. Get a pod cushion (I had the PurFlo Nest) which makes their crib feel less big and scary and also means you can safely lay them beside you on the bed so at least you are lying down.

[Mol1628]

Everyone feels like this. And it's normal to feel like everyone else can cope but you. People only share the good bits and lovely photos, a lot of people are scared to admit that having a newborn is rather shit.

It'll be fine. Just do the minimum to get through the day.

[PeachBellini123]

I had to check I hadn't written this..you sound like me! Down to the flat nipples which I have as well.

Honestly you sound like you are doing brilliantly. My DS is 3 weeks old - these first weeks have been a massive learning curve. I still have down moments but it does get easier. We can read DS better now. I.e we knew the signs he was constipated earlier.

You are doing great. Hang in there.

[amysmummy12345]

the only thing I can say is that it gets easier until they turn into a three year old tantrum throwing devil child

The way I rationalised was by imagining being nicely tucked up in bed in the dark, all snuggly warm, then all of a sudden someone comes and tips you out into a cold, bright noisy room, I'd be crying too for a while! Plenty of skin to skin, cuddles, set up camp on the sofa or in bed with plenty of drinks/snacks and let people wait on you for a while if they're about!

[Phoenix76]

Nothing I have read in your op is "failing massively", what I read is "normal massively"! If you've managed to get any milk out with one of those crappy Tommee Tippee manual pumps you're a hero, I tried and tried with that flaming thing it almost got launched into space, and my God did my wrists hurt. I understand completely you wanting to express and if you want to do, if it's more trouble than it's worth than don't. If you do, I did btw, it is worth getting some kit that will make it easier. If you can afford it, or some places will loan cheap, get a hospital grade electric pump on loan. I hired a medela at £40/ month. I agree with mainlywingingit those are great tips. Also, Kellymoms is great for bf advice. Please don't be hard on yourself, these first months will test you to the max and you really are, despite how you feel, doing fantastic. We've all spent those weeks in tears convinced we're failing but that's hormones and tiredness talking not fact. It does get easier and believe it or not, you'll probably look back on these days with fond memories. Keep talking about how you're feeling and know you're not alone and are very normal! X

[Whatsername17]

I'd recommend stopping expressing if I were you. Unless you can get enough for every feed. I'm convinced that, with my first dd, trying to do both breast and formula when I ran into problems with breastfeeding caused her to have an upset tummy which led to crying. Focus on getting a routine established and try and sleep when he sleeps. If you need to hold him, then do so.